Roc And A Hard Place (18 page)

“Oh, Monster Ella,” Metria said, finally recognizing the type.  It came from the ella monster, famous for casting long sticky strings of gunk over its prey and smothering it to death.  She wondered how the Mundanes had managed to slay an ella; it was a formidable creature.  But it tasted wonderful.

This was magic, all right.  But since Metria didn't need to eat, she was soon bored.  So she explored the house.  “What's this?” she asked, opening the curtain to a very small bare room that was behind a less small room.

“That's the shower,” Dug said.  “You want someone to take it with you?  Ow!” Because Kim had kicked him for no apparent reason.

“Take it with me?” Metria repeated.  “It doesn't look as if it can be moved.”

“I can show you how it—” Dug began.

“I’ll show her,” Kim said as he dodged another kick.  She got up, trailing a string of cheese, and approached the chamber.  She closed the door to the larger chamber so no one else could see in.  Then she turned two handles in the wall of the smaller one.  Water gushed from a high nozzle.  “Vanish your clothing and step in,” she said.

Metria did so, and the warm water struck her bare body.

“Hot rain!” she exclaimed.  “More magic.”

“For sure.  When you've had enough, just turn these handles this way, and it will stop.  That's how you take a shower.”

“It's weird.  But nice.”

“Exactly.” Kim pulled a curtain across and departed.

Metria basked in the shower.  She turned smoky and let it pass through her- It was as if she were a cloud, and was raining below.  “Move over, Fracto!” she muttered.  Then she assumed various shapes, seeing how the water bounced off them.  She became a giant pot, and let the water fill it.  More fun!

But soon enough she tired, so she turned the knobs and the water ceased.  Then she turned smoky so that all the water on her fell away, and re-formed, complete with her Mundane blouse, shirt, and footwear.  She stepped back out to the dining room.  “I could almost get to like Mundania,” she said.

“Mundania would certainly like you,” Dug said, and Ichabod nodded agreement.  Kim looked studiously elsewhere, perhaps because Dug's shin was out of reach of her foot.

Metria was catching on to the nature of their interaction; it was as if there were an invisible string of monster ella cheese that Kim used to dangle Dug from.  Like most men, he needed to be leashed.

The others finished eating and took turns in the shower, except for Arnolde, who was too big to fit.  So he put his front end in, then his hind end, and Dug wielded a hose attachment to get most of the centaur showered.

Meanwhile Kim turned on a box with a picture on the side and voices from within.  It was interesting, but seemed to be filled mostly with violence and loudmouthed hustlers.  Metria noticed that (blush) panties were openly shown, surely freaking out every male who watched.  No wonder Mundane males were such louts!

In due course they settled down to sleep, setting up mats beside Arnolde.  Metria didn't need to sleep, so she stayed to watch the magic box.  After a while it showed scenes from some far-off land, and became a story, between increasingly obnoxious bouts of hustling.  After that was done, there was another story, with different scenes.  It was about a young man who fell in love with a young woman, then lost her, then regained her.  Metria had never seen such a story before, and marveled at its originality.  She wished she were back home with Veleno, making him deliriously happy.  For her husband had no other purpose in existence than to be made delirious by her.

She observed the stories interminably, until the others woke.  “You watched the movie channel all night?” Kim asked.  “You must be worn out!”

“No, it was interesting.  I wonder if we could get one of these magic boxes in Xanth.  It's almost as much fun as the gourd.”

“Maybe Com-Pewter could arrange it,” Kim said, laughing.

Jenny entered the shower-room.  “Oops.”

“I don't like the sound of that,” Kim said.

“I felt the edge of the magic,” the elf explained.

“But the bathroom is well within the ambience,” Kim said.  “Metria took a shower.  Arnolde is exactly where he was yesterday.”

“Maybe I'm confused,” Jenny said doubtfully.

Whereupon Kim, in exactly the manner of a woman, reversed.  “I'm not sure of that.  We'd better check.”

They looked at Metria.  So Metria stepped very cautiously toward that chamber.  She extended one arm through the door, feeling a tingling and then a numbness.  And the arm dissolved into a swirl of wind.

Jenny squeezed by her to enter the chamber.  As she did so, her ears and fingers changed.  She faced back toward Metria and walked up to her, pushing the swirl with her body.

As it crossed the border of magic, the swirl became a cloud of demon substance, and Metria was able to grab it and merge it into herself.  That was a relief, because she had felt diminished without it.

They exchanged a three-way glance.  “The aisle has shrunk,” Kim said gravely.

“Hey, what's up, girls?” Dug asked, approaching.

They were silent, mutually hesitant to spread the alarm.

“Aren't you going to call me a sexist?” he asked Kim.

“Because I didn't say 'women'?”

“The magic's fading,” Kim said bluntly.

“Oh, shucks!  I thought our love was forever.”

“The magic aisle, numskull.”

He sobered in a hurry.  “How much?”

“The bathroom's out of it now.”

He angled his head, which was his way of doing a mental calculation.  “Maybe fifty percent.  The question is, has it been fading steadily from the time Arnolde left Xanth, or is it just giving out now?  We'd better hope that the fading is steady, because that will give us time to get the hell moving before it poops out entirely.”

“Yes,” Kim agreed tersely.

Both Arnolde and Ichabod remained asleep.  In that state, it was clear just how old they were, because of the lack of animation of their features.  And maybe fading magic.

“Let's get this organized before we wake them,” Dug said.  “So there're no wasted motions.  Kim and I'll load the truck—has it got enough in the tank?”

“Yes,” Metria said.  “The magic dial says half of its bloat is left.”

“Its what?” he asked.  Then, immediately, “Oh—gas.”

“Whatever.”

“And Jenny and Metria must stay close to Arnolde,” Kim said.  “For moral support for the elders.”

That was one way to put it.  Metria had to stay close to maintain her existence, and Jenny to maintain her elfhood.

The two Mundanes loaded the truck efficiently, and set up the box so that Arnolde could climb into the back.  “Okay, it's time,” Dug said grimly.

Jenny woke Arnolde, and Dug woke Ichabod.  Both were slow to be roused, and looked around as if befuddled.

“We were afraid of this,” Kim muttered.  “Their physical health is tied in with the magic.”

“Arnolde, we'll help you up,” Dug said, as if things were routine.  Then he and Kim helped haul on the centaur's arms, while Jenny and Metria helped steady his rear end as, he lurched unsteadily to his four feet.  They walked him forward, then half shoved him up into the truck, and made him lie down again with his head toward the front.  That was so Metria could sit in the cab, within the aisle.

Then they looked back to the house.  Ichabod was tottering, walking erratically away from the truck.  “God, he's gone senile,” Kim muttered, and jumped down to intercept the old man.  Soon she had her arm around his waist, and was half encouraging, half hauling him onto the truck.

“Nuh-uh,” Dug said.  “He's not fit to drive.  Put him in back.”

Kim nodded.  They got the man in the truck.  The dog and cat joined the centaur there, too.

“Now who drives?” Kim asked.

“What kind of shift is it?” Dug asked.

“Stick shift,” Metria said.

“That lets me out,” Kim said.  “All I know is auto.”

“Me too,” Dug said.  “But I guess I'd better learn in a hurry, because we can't wait.”

“I can drive it,” Metria said.

They both stared at her.  “But you're a demoness!” Kim said.

“I had noticed,” Metria said.  “Ichabod taught me to drive yesterday.  I drove us much of the way here.”

“This is crazy, but we can't waste time,” Dug said.  “We don't know how fast the magic's fading.  Maybe with a licensed driver up front with her—”

“Me,” Kim said.  “I won't be distracted by her legs.”

“Good point,” he agreed.  “Let's move out.”

They closed up the back, and Metria turned smoky and phased through the truck directly to the driver's seat, rather than risk stepping to the side and maybe out of the narrowing aisle of magic.  Kim joined her.  “I'll do map duty,” Kim said, digging into the panel in front other seat.  “Put on your seat belt.”

“But no belt can hold me.”

“Put it on anyway,” Kim said, buckling hers.  “We don't want to attract any traffic cop's attention.”

Metria used the key and started the motor, remembering to use the clutch pedal.  She knew she had to do everything right, because they couldn't afford any accident.  She put it in gear and let the clutch pedal rise slowly.

“The brake!” Kim snapped.

Oh, yes.  Just in time.  Metria released the hand brake.

“Traffic's clear ahead,” Kim said.

Metria pulled the truck slowly in a circle and then onto the road, turning the steering wheel.  She was doing it!  She got it straight and used the pedals and stick to get it through the gears and up to full speed.

“Keep to the right of the road,” Kim said.

Oops, yes.  It was just as well that Kim was with her, because there were a number of details to keep track of, and they tended to get lost around the edges.

Kim studied her map and called out a particular magic symbol to look for, which marked the route they needed to follow.  Metria hadn't been aware of that; Ichabod had known the area, so hadn't needed any map or route.  This business of driving was more complicated than it had seemed.

Then, just as she was getting accustomed to it, something happened.  “Drunk driver,” Kim muttered.  “See that weewawing?  Stay clear of him.”

“What's a drunk driver?”

“Someone who's intoxicated.  You know, dizzy, crazy.  Liable to do anything.  Dangerous, in a car.” Kim glanced back.

“I hope Jenny doesn't catch on.  She'd freak out.”

“But what does Jenny Elf know of dunked drivers?”

“Just get the bleep elsewhere, fast.”

But the traffic had closed in, so she couldn't get away from the crazy car.  So she tried to keep some distance from it, following Kim's advice.

Then it happened.  A girl was crossing the road, and the drunk car was headed right for her, not stopping as it should.

“Drat!  I knew it!” Kim said, wincing.  “If they'd just stop coddling those lushes—”

There was a scream.  Another girl ran out in front of the car, getting between it and the first girl, pushing her out of the way.  But then the car struck the second girl.

Meanwhile Metria was slewing to a halt, so as not to hit car or girl herself.  She saw the second girl lying by the side of the road, and heard the first girl screaming.

“Oh, God, no, we can't stop,” Kim said.  “It'd be the end of you and of Arnolde, and maybe of Ichabod and Jenny if we get caught up in this.  We've got to get out of here!”

But already things were jammed, because of the accident.

They couldn't drive on.  They had to wait, while a screaming vehicle zoomed up and took the girls away.

“Of all the things to happen!” Kim moaned.  “All because of that damned drunk!  They should lock them all up forever!”

A Mundane demon garbed in blue came to the truck.

“You a witness?” he asked, glancing down at Metria's legs, which were very full and bare below her hiked-up skirt.

“The drunk car aimed for the smaller girl, but the bigger girl pushed her out of the way,” Metria said.

“Ixnay,” Kim whispered.  “We can't get involved!”

But the blue demon was already asking another question.

“How do you know he was drunk?” He glanced down her blouse, which happened to be somewhat loose above, showing the fullness thereof.

“He was sliding all across the road,” Metria said.

The demon nodded.  “Your license, please?”

“My what?”

“Here's mine!” Kim cried, thrusting a small card under the demon's nose.

He frowned, considering it, then nodded as he made a note.  “You may receive a summons to appear at court to testify,” he said.  “Have a nice day, ladies.” He took one more glance at Metria's assets, wavered slightly unsteadily on his feet, and moved on to the next vehicle behind them.

“That summons will come to me,” Kim said.  “Good thing he didn't think to get your identity too, or to look in the back of the truck.”

“Well, I did my part,” Metria said, lengthening her skirt and raising her décolletage.  “I've had some experience befuddling men's minds, and it seems to work about as well on Mundanes as on Xanthians, fortunately.”

Kim glanced at her, appraisingly.  “Yes, that sort of magic does seem to be universal, for those who have the equipment.

I was almost afraid that cop's eyes would bulge out of their sockets.  I suppose we're lucky he didn't ask you for a date.”

“I could have given him one, but it would have dissolved the moment it left my presence.”

“That's date, as in he gets to take you to a meal or movie and run his hands over your body.”

“Oh, I wish I'd known!  That might have been fun.”

“No it wouldn't.  Remember, you're married.”

“That, too,” Metria agreed, thinking of the cop's face on such a date when she made her body smoky and impossible to touch.  “But of course, I can't leave the aisle of magic.”

“Yes.  I hope we get out of here soon.  That magic must be fading all the time.”

Finally they did get moving.  The speed of the traffic became faster in direct proportion to its distance from the cop cars, so that they progressed rapidly toward Xanth.

But all was not completely well.  The magic was diminishing.  At first Metria felt it in her toes, which were the farthest from Arnolde; they tingled for a while, but then they were turning numb.  She looked down, and felt an almost mortal chill.  “Kim, my toes are gone!”