ROMAN (Lane Brothers Book 5) (84 page)

Becky

“What’s his problem?” I mutter, balancing the bowl of chicken noodle soup on my eight months pregnant mountain and keeping an eye on the TV as Ryan keeps flicking through channels so fast I can’t see anything but blur.

Devon has been great, fantastic, insatiable the last few months. And so cool about my mood swings and obsessive cleaning it’s weird. But he’s also been snapping at me in random spurts that make me so mad sometimes I want to rip his face off.

Okay, and maybe sometimes it makes me want to cry like a baby, but the point is he’s been weird since the football game to end all games-I say this because it was the first and last I got to attend after he took offense to the American pastime of trash mouthing the other team.

Now I just get to watch it on TV, thanks to Ryan taking the camcorder with and taking footage of all the action. A waste of time since Day can’t keep himself controlled long enough and almost always starts grinning the minute he walks in the door.

I don’t mind much anymore. I am big as a freaking house with his mutant spawn and so off the thought of moving most days it’s a wonder he can get my slothful ass to have sex with him every might.

‘Kay, maybe that’s a lie. I am still in the land of the living, possess my olfactory senses and have perfect eyesight. Being apathetic to Dev when he walks out of the bathroom naked and sporting wood is like saying chocolate isn’t yummy. Not happening.

But he has been acting weird, a lot weirder than usual and I can’t get a bead on him no matter how much I nag and try to weasel the answers out of him.

He’s not talking, not at all and instead of me being okay about it-we’re buddies after all-I find myself on edge and ready to throw a major tantrum. After I cry and admit that I love him and he’s attitude is hurting me and scaring me and-

“I heard him on the phone this morning. He sounded tense and when I walked in he ended the call right quick.”

“Did you hear anything?”

He looks at me guiltily and darts his eyes away before turning back with a sigh.

“I heard the name GiGi and…this can’t be what it looks like hun so don’t go getting upset or anything.”

“Tell me.”

Oh God, please don’t let him be sniffing other tail this early in-but this isn’t a relationship Becky. Remember? You told him you wanted a friends with benefits deal. You made it clear you wanted nothing else.

Yeah! Before he moved all my stuff to his room and started making me sleep in there. I even started having sex with him in the bed despite my earlier insistence that it wasn’t happening ever. Doesn’t that count for anything?

But no, even I’m smart enough to know I can’t get pissed if he’s got another thing on the side since I refused to lay claim to him in anyway but the physical.

Stupid pride!

I don’t want to ask, my pride is screaming that I keep my mouth shut and pretend a nonchalance I don’t feel but I can’t allow that stupid orc to rule me anymore. Just look where she’s gotten me so far.

“Who is GiGi?” I ask tonelessly, keeping my eyes locked on his and as dry as possible.

I don’t want to cry now and that’s got nothing to do with my pride and everything to do with the fact that he’ll clam up and try to coddle me the minute a tear rolls.

“Hun-”

“Who. Is. GiGi.”

I’m so sure I want to know that I will him to tell me, only realizing later that instead of knowledge being power, it’s a sharp, icy hot blade that twists in the gut and leaves you gasping, flailing for breath and nowhere near a resolution to my problem.

Because GiGi, Gia to be accurate is the tall, leggy, totally sexy, smoking hot, have I mentioned how hot this bitch is?, blonde that Dev had loved enough to put a ring on.

They’d been engaged for a few months and halfway to the altar when Dev and her had called it all off and gone their separate ways. This hurts, a lot because she’s the chick he’d wanted to marry while I’m the lard ass he feels he has to marry thanks to a lack of brain cells and condoms eight months ago.

“Hun-”

“Er, thanks for telling me and no I am not about to have a nervous breakdown or anything so you can quit looking at me like I’m about to blow. Just, don’t tell him you told me or things could get awkward.” I plead, jumping when the front door slams and the man of the hour walks in, bending to lay a fat smooch on my parted lips.

“Hey imp.”

So nonchalant and carefree, as if he hasn’t just ripped my heart out and put it under his tyre. I should have really gone to see mama and dad when they’d called a few weeks back. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like such an idiot for choosing a guy I can’t ever really have, not fully anyway.

“Hey.”

Maybe plan B isn’t such a bad idea after all, I think, slurping at the chicken soup I don’t want and pretending I don’t care while inside I am a raging mass of hurt anger and foolishness. Yeah, I’ll call Dillon tomorrow and see what he thinks of this whole situation.

***

“Ask him.”

“That’s it? Just outright ask him if he’s nailing his ex and me at the same time?”

I snort when Dillon nods and pick at the potato chips he forced on me the minute I walked in the door an hour ago.

“No. That would be like saying I care if he’s nailing her and then-”

“And then your pride would be hurt and you’d be in exactly the same place you’re in now only this time things will be honest and clear and you won’t be in limbo about what your relationship is Beck.” He points out reasonably, laying a palm over my belly.

“But-”

“Look. You took the pride route and made things so murky between you that I don’t think you now up from down when it comes do him. You should never have made him think you’re only in it for the sex. It’s cheap and demeaning and it lessens the role you have in his life as the mother of his child.”

Well damn.

“I just wanted to keep a little power in the-”

“Yup. Classic love tactics Beck. I don’t know if he loves me and I’m afraid to say it out loud, even to myself, so I’ll give him what he wants and hope he gets there quick and puts me out of my misery by professing his undying love. And then we live happily ever after.”

Dammit.

“Newsflash babydoll, unless a guy is born with a million times more oestrogen than his balls can handle he ain’t saying squat first. That’s the chick’s thing. If you’re giving a guy the goods and keeping level, not saying a word, he’s gonna figure you’re okay with the status quo and assume things will be fine.”

“So it’s my job to do all the emotional heavy lifting?” I screech, springing to my feet-it’s more of a groaning heave that I can’t fully complete without Dillon’s help, but I want it to be a graceful movement so that’s what I’m calling it-and glare down at his golden head.

“Naw Beck, you’re misunderstanding me babe. All’s I’m saying is that if you give a man the idea that you’re tight with being a fuck buddy and a‘Friend’ he’ll see that as an easy out. If you want more you’re gonna have to tell him.”

“But I did.” I say, blushing profusely.

Yeah, I’d let that one slip too and told him about being so afraid that Devon had heard my screamedavowals of love. Mortifying but who else can I say these things to? Lila would call Devon up and start blasting him for not reciprocating and the rest, well I want Devon to have full use of his legs so I wouldn’t dare tell Lo or Grey.

“Doesn’t count sweetpea. I love you during sex is like saying ‘oh yeah, harder’.”

Crumpets!

“So…”

“So go home, sit down with your guy and give him the scoop. Be totally, brutally honest about your feelings and expectations and then, if, and only if he doesn’t reciprocate you come on home to me and we’ll get you a baby daddy. Capisce?”

My palms are sweating, like profusely as I make my way to the front door and into the quiet house. It’s only two in the afternoon so the boys are at school, Garret has officially started college and has elected to rent an apartment off campus ‘to experience the culture-I know college kid code and I know he’s just looking for a place to take and make tail.

That leaves the house empty but for Devon who I know is sitting at his desk right now on a conference call to his UK offices.

I’m nervous, like shitting pellets nervous, as I let myself in and press an ear to his door. The low drone of voices tells me he’s nowhere near done with his call so I make my way to the kitchen and scan the refrigerator, deciding to make some sandwiches before I head in there and totally strip myself bare.

“Ham on rye?”

I squeak and jump when a pair of muscular arms surround me from behind and weak fool that I am I relax back into him and close my eyes, soaking up his heat and comfort like a starving puppy.

“Hhhmm, thought you could use something light after your calls.” I murmur, pulling away to seat myself at the table. I’m so big-yeah, the baby is gonna be a house like his dad and uncles-that I feel like a T-Rex trying to get at my food, it’s so far away thanks to my belly.

“This is good babe.” He says around a mouthful. “What did you do today?”

“I went to visit Dill.”

That gets an immediate response and I see his sandwich drop back to the plate and feel the silence lengthen before steeling myself and looking back up at him.

Devon hates Dillon so I usually don’t tell him when we get together for coffee of just a hang out session. Usually. Today however I’m going for full disclosure so…

“I don’t want you seeing him Rebecca. At all.” He finally says and from that coldness I see in his eyes-the mention of my name too-I know he’s not kidding.

“Dillon is my friend.”

“Afriend who wants more than just friendship!”

“Like you?” I yell back, reaching the end of my tether. “We’re friends aren’t we?” I screech, curling my fingers around the words, letting him know how scornful I am of the term.

“Because you set the parameters! You wanted to be roomies. You wanted to be friends with fucking benefits! I bloody proposed to you!”

Hoo boy, he’s angry now.

“What’s more I basically had to trick you into staying in our bed after we made love. I give you everything you need imp, everything I could possibly think you need, space, fuck; you don’t even let me hold you at night! What more do you want from me!”

Taking a deep breath because I feel so choked by his snarled confessions that it’s hard to breathe, I force myself to hold his eyes and say the only thing I can. Jesus I hope Dill is right on this one because ripping my barriers down is not easy for me.

“I want you to love me.” I whisper after a beat, blinking once only to keep our eyes locked. “I want you to love me the way I love you or I…I have to leave. Living with you and the boys is great and I love having all the energy and affection that you guys share. It’s like walking into the candy store and having no limits, but it’s hard to keep up when I feel like I’m allowed to eat everything but the peanut butter cups.”

Stop rambling Becky!

“I love you. I think my feelings went from girlhood crush to full on love when I brained Lila’s mom and you laughed and pulled me to safety. I wouldn’t have slept with you if I didn’t. And yeah, I’ve been a total bitch because you hurt my feelings when you just left without saying anything the next morning.

“So here’s the thing. I want you to feel more for me, no I need for you to feel more, but if you don’t, you need to tell me now so I can get it in my head that we’re friends and soon to be co-parents. Only. I can’t keep fooling myself that less is enough and I don’t want to force you to have to say anything you don’t feel. And-”

“Shut up imp.” He finally whispers, cutting off my flow.

When I finally refocus on his face I see that he’s smiling and reaching for me and I go willingly, wrapping myself around him as he pulls me into his lap.

“Of course I bloody love you woman! I went without sex for months just waiting for you to finally want me. And honestly, what’s not to love? You’re sexy, smart, funny and you fit in with my lads like you were made for us.” He growls, cupping my jaw and turning my face up for a gentle kiss.

“No-”

“Yes.” He whispers against my lips, blending his breath with mine. “You’re fucking perfect.”

And just like that my world, no my universe has new possibility and meaning. You’d think I would have locked on to the ‘I love you’ like a fish to water but it’s the conviction in his eyes and the reverent kisses against my trembling lips as he calls me perfect that seals the deal and makes my heart start beating again.

With tears threatening I do the one thing every feminist on the planet will orgasm over.

“Will you marry me Devon Baxter? Please. I love you so very much and I want nothing more than to be yours.”

“Yes.”

He kisses me before the syllable is finished, turning me to straddle him, his gentle hands pulling my sex as close to his erection as the weight and size of my belly will allow, not nearly close enough but I don’t care as he continues to suck at my mouth and pushes himself into the weeping well between my legs.

“You’re mine imp. Mine.” He growls before clamping a hand over my ass and surging to his feet.

We make love in his office, an awkward but passionate showing of everything we feel.

“I love you imp.” He murmurs minutes later, his hot breath sawing into my neck as I melt into the sofa and close my eyes on a smile.

Everything is so perfect I feel weightless and free. Nothing can hurt me now. Can it?