Authors: Catherine Woods
Chapter 5
As the days passed it became clear to me that James had no real intentions of getting to know me. I tried my best to get in his good graces, but nothing I did seemed to help. No matter what I cooked or how well I cleaned, he would just grunt at me and continue on his way. It was starting to make me feel rather hopeless.
Louise did her best to keep my spirits up and I tried to stay positive for her, but it was hard. Billings was a desolate place. Of course I didn’t want to marry Jeremy. The idea of it was horrifying, but while I didn’t want to marry him, I’d always loved living in the city. Giving up city life was never something I thought I’d have to do.
I learned quickly that I wasn’t a woman made for the west. James took little pity on me, expecting me to work just as hard as everyone else, which presented a problem since I’d never really worked before. I knew how to cook on a very basic level, but I’d never cleaned my own house. I was at least thankful he didn’t try to make me work outside, but even the more domestic chores still presented a problem for me. I didn’t know how to do the things they were expecting of me. It left me feeling useless and unable to cope with my situation. How could I possibly be expected to thrive in a place where I felt like I was constantly doing everything wrong?
It wasn’t just the chores that wore me down. The winter was cold and the imminent threat of being sent back to Richmond was always hanging over my head, instilling me with a fear that made my life even more complicated.
Louise tried to calm me, promising that she would fight for me, but I knew just as well as her that it wouldn’t matter. If James wanted to send me away, then he would. Neither of us were going to have any kind of say in that matter.
I sighed softly, kneeling by the fire as I scrubbed the walls of the fire place, black, sooty water trailing down my arm and leaving long black trails of grime. It soaked into the sleeves of my plain dress, though I’d learned to ignore it at this point. The pot of dirty laundry water was still hanging from the little hook, having cooled overnight.
I heard the sound of heavy footsteps coming down the hall and I tensed up a bit, knowing it was James. Louise treaded lightly. I didn’t look over my shoulder and just continued to scrub, not wanting to get caught ‘slacking off.’
The footsteps came to a stop just behind me and my chest tightened, ready for the barrage of words that were about to come my way.
“How many times do I have to tell you to remove the pot before you clean the fire place? The soot will soak into the pot and we’ll never get our clothes clean!” he grunted, grabbing the pot and yanking it from the fireplace.
I gasped as the water splashed and soaked my dress, the water dirty and brown from the laundry. For a moment, neither of us said anything, though he seemed to understand that what he’d done was completely out of line. He waited silently, just watching me with his intense, hazel eyes.
My hands began to shake and I grabbed the skirt of my dress, yanking it up and all but running to the room I shared with Louise. I slammed the door closed and started yanking the few things I’d brought with me down from the closet and stuffing them into a suitcase.
James pushed the door open and stood in the doorframe, watching as I frantically packed. “Where are you planning on going?” he asked calmly.
“Anywhere but here!” I snapped, turning on my heels to stare at him.
He looked slightly amused and it made my blood boil. I crossed the room and put a finger in his chest, glaring up at him. “If you wanted me gone, you win. I don’t want to be here as much as you don’t want me here!” I snapped, turning back to the suitcase.
My hands shook as I shoved everything into the small bag, working until my shaking legs finally gave out and I crumpled to the floor, pressing my calloused hands to my eyes. “IThis wasn’t what I wanted!” I sobbed, my entire body heaving with the effort of it. “I didn’t come here because I wanted to! I came here because I had no other choice!” I choked, shaking under the weight of my own tears. “This isn’t what I wanted!”
I heard a soft exhale and then the sound of footsteps again as James crossed the room. I just shook my head and held my hand out weakly in an attempt to stop him. “This isn’t what I wanted. I was supposed to fall in love and get married! Have children! But I…I was afraid. I was afraid of what he was going to do to me! I thought that God meant for me to come here. I prayed and I prayed and I thought…I thought I would be safe here, but clearly I was wrong!” I choked out, slamming my hand on the bed.
Silence filled the room again and I couldn’t make myself stop. I didn’t want to sit in the room, engulfed by silence. “I have been trying! I’ve been trying so hard! Do you think I like being useless? Do you think that I’m trying to mess up at every turn? I’m trying, but it’s never good enough! It will never be good enough for you! I’m working with a death threat over my head and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t-“
My rambling was cut off when he closed the space between us and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to his chest and holding me tight, his hand cradling the back of my head. I wanted to hit him or kick him. A part of me wanted to retaliate, but I just ended up sinking into his arms and letting out a soft sob as I clung to him.
He rubbed my back for a moment, holding me close and offering me the comfort I’d so desperately needed since my arrival. He held me close and stroked my hair. Then he spoke the words I never expected him to say.
“I’m sorry, Madison. I’m sorry.”
Chapter 6
The words took me by surprised. Even weeks later, I’m still surprised that he ever apologized to me or that things changed. I hadn’t been expecting much out of the apology and assumed he was just using it to placate me. Father had always said that men hated to see women cry.
James was far kinder to me in the coming weeks. He helped me improve my work and offered constructive critism rather than insults. It was something I hadn’t expected in the least. He was gentle and offered kindness and support when I failed, and because of it, I got better. As the snow started to melt, so did his heart.
The first of the flowers were starting to emerge from the damp ground, the sunlight kissing their petals. Louise and I were coming back from market with some of the first fresh fruits and vegetables of the season. We were laughing and enjoying each other’s company. She had a habit of telling dirty jokes and while I would never tell one myself, it was hard to deny that they were funny.
As we came to the farm James stepped out of the barn, tilting his wide brimmed hat up a bit, smiling in my direction.
“There you are, Madison. Will you come give me a hand?”
I blushed a little but nodded and offered Louise my basket as she threw a knowing smile my way. I rolled my eyes at her, but picked up the skirt of my dress and trotted over to the barn where James waited patiently.
He guided my inside to one of the stables and motioned inside. There, in the hay, was a young colt who’d obviously just been born. My eyes widened and I gasped, hands flying to my mouth as I watched the horse struggle to its feet, shaking a little and leaning heavily against its mother. It took a few moments, but soon enough the colt was steady on its feet, trotting around excitedly.
“It made me think of you,” James said after a long moment.
“A colt made you think of me?” I asked with a cocked brow.
He chuckled and nodded. “The way they wobble before finally getting to their feet. I’d say you’re standing on your own now,” he said with a smile, nudging me gently.
I blushed a little and looked down. “Oh, well, thank you,” I said softly, feeling the burning in my cheeks.
He laughed a little but shrugged. “No need to thank me. I just wanted you to know that I was proud of you and I wanted to apologize for the way I acted when you first got here.”
“Oh, well, we’ve already been through all that. No need for you to apologize,” I said with a soft smile.
He chuckled a little and glanced over at me. “Well…That’s kind of you, but I do owe you an apology and an explanation,” he added softly.
I raised my eyebrows at that a bit and chewed my lip. “An explanation?” I asked, almost breathlessly.
He nodded and sighed. “I know Louise has already told you that I’ve lost so much. She can’t keep her mouth shut,” he said, glancing over at me.
I blushed and nodded a bit, tucking some hair behind my ear. “Yes, she told me your wife and brother died.”
He nodded, glancing back down into the pen. “Well, I lost my wife to the elements, but that wasn’t why I was so bitter towards you,” he said softly. “You look so much like her and it made me feel things I promised myself I’d never feel again,” he said softly. “I feel like I’m betraying her,” he whispered.
My eyes widened a little and my heart ached for him. “James…”
He closed his eyes and looked down. “I promised myself I’d never fall for anyone else and then you came and you nearly stole my heart with a single look. I’ve been fighting so hard to ignore it, but the longer you’re here the harder I fall. You’re so much like her, Madison,” he said softly, looking over at me, his face red with embarrassment.
I could tell it was taking a lot for him to confess all this to me, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t shocked. I’d never expected him to admit his love to me. My own cheeks were flushed and hot as I stared down into the stables, trying to figure out what to say. I wanted to tell him it was okay. I wanted him to know that I forgave him and that I didn’t hold it against him. I wanted him to know I wasn’t angry, but most of all, I wanted him to know that I felt the same way.
Over these past few weeks my heart would race at the sight of him. I would imagine his arms wrapped around me and butterflies would flutter in my stomach. I couldn’t believe that these things were an accident. When I first arrived in Montana, I started to doubt that I’d done the right thing. I questioned if this truly was God’s path for me, but as the flowers began to spring from the ground I had faith that it was everything God had planned for me and more.
I looked to James and I was overcome with a sudden understanding. I was here for him just as much as he was here for me. I reached out and touched his arm gently, my delicate, pale fingers curling around his leathery arm.
He turned to look at me, one eyebrow cocked, expecting me to say anything, but I just smiled softly. “I forgive you,” I said simply.
I’d never told him I forgave him before now, but I think he knew there was no bad blood between us. He opened his mouth to thank me, but I silenced him before he could say anything and instead pressed my lips to his, smiling into the kiss.
Chapter 7
That was the beginning of a wonderful romance. James finally let his guard down and let me in. He wasn’t putting up the wall around his heart anymore and that made me happy. It made me hopeful. Those first few days were spent in a kind of romantic limbo. We would run into each other in the hallways, our cheeks red with embarrassment when he put his hands on my hips. We shared a few kisses those first days, but our romance was still quiet and budding.
Now that we were more comfortable with each other and our own limits, we found ourselves kissing at every opportunity. He would wrap his arms around me and hold me close as the fire crackled. It really was a dream.
James was everything I could have ever wanted in a man. He was strong and brave, but he also had such a kind heart. He loved working with the animals, while Louise mostly worked with the land. The kindness and tenderness he showed me was also offered to the creatures that occupied the farm.
Darkness was starting to set and a rainstorm had come through earlier in the day. The air smelled fresh and the damp air cooled my face. It felt wonderful to be outside, watching Louise scamper up trees. She was such a free spirit and part of me envied the fact that she didn’t seem to care what society expected from her. I wish I’d had that kind of bravery when I lived in Richmond.
James put his arm around me and smiled down at me. I looked up at him and he pressed his lips to mine, holding a hand to my warm cheek. I sighed into the kiss, only parting when the need for air was too strong. As we pulled away we gazed into each other’s eyes, smiling as our free hands tangled.
“I’m so glad you came my way,” he whispered, pressing his forehead to mine. “I thank God every night that he brought you here.”
I smiled and brought his hand to my lips, kissing his open palm. “There is a reason for everything. I believe that with all my heart,” I whispered, looking up at him. “We were meant to be together and that’s why we’re here. We were meant to heal each other.”
He smiled and kissed my cheek. “Well, you have done a fine job of that. Even the people in town tell me I look happier,” he said with a chuckle.
I smiled and leaned into his shoulder as he held me close. “Are you sure you’re going to be alright while Louise and I go into town?” he asked, looking down at me.
Billings was still a small town and the trading outpost was a half day’s ride away. It would be the first time I was left on my own, but I wasn’t scared. Our house was sturdy and I was leaning more and more about the land every day. I smiled and took his hand, kissing the back of it this time.
“I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about me,” I said softly.
“You know I’m going to worry about you no matter what,” he said, cupping my cheek.
I rolled my eyes playfully, smiling and nudging him. “I’ll be alright. I know there are things you can’t get here.”
He nodded and looked down at his own hands for a moment. “Yes, I had something I had to order from the city.”
I cocked my brow. “The city? There are cities around here.”
“Of course not. Chicago. I ordered it from Chicago,” he said with a cocky little smile.
I leaned back and crossed my arms over my chest. “What in the world did you have to order from Chicago?” I asked, hardly believing him.
He grinned and pushed me onto my back gently, leaning over me with that same playful smile on his face. My cheeks burned as he tangled our fingers and leaned down to steal a kiss.
“You’ll see,” he hummed, kissing me again, though it was deeper this time.
My eyes widened just a little but I returned the kiss, freeing one of my hands and tangling it in his hair, my eyes fluttering closed for a moment. This felt so right. I lost myself in that kiss, my heart thudding harder and harder in my chest with every minute that passed. I held him close, never wanting that kiss to end. Unfortunately, it had to eventually.
“Ewww! What are you guys doing?!” Louise called from the tree.
James couldn’t hold back his barking laughter. Our lips were still touching as he laughed to himself and pushed himself up into a sitting position, looking at Louise who was hanging from one of the branches.
“Kissing!”
“That’s gross,” she said, sticking out her tongue and shaking her head back and forth.
“You’ll find someone you want to kiss one day, child!” I called towards the tree.
She looked horrified at the idea and rolled her eyes, pulling herself up onto the branch. “I don’t think so. It looks messy. I don’t want any part of that!” she grumbled, scampering higher into the tree.
I laughed and just shook my head, leaning against James. I didn’t want him to leave, but I knew he had to. This was just part of living in the west. I knew the only reason he hadn’t invited me to go with them was because he was worried about my safety. Traveling to trading posts could be extremely dangerous. The land was flat and offered no cover whatsoever. It made me worry for their safety, though they’d made this trip plenty of times. They knew how to handle themselves, though it didn’t bring me much comfort.
The moonlight illuminated his face and I knew I couldn’t let him leave without telling him how I felt. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close, kissing him deeply, sighing into the kiss.
“I love you, James.”
His eyes widened, but he smiled into the kiss and held me close, uttering the words I so desperately wanted to hear.
“I love you too, Madison.”