Ruby Shadows (21 page)

“
Mon ange,”
I murmured, cupping her cheek and looking into
her lovely green eyes. “What is it? Why are you still so afraid?
You know I would never hurt you, do you not?”

“
I know.” Her eyes
flickered away. “It’s not that.”

“
What then?” I asked,
stroking her soft skin. “What has you as nervous as a rabbit when
the fox is at the door?”

She gave a soft, bubbling laugh.

“
Grams would say ‘as
nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs’ but
I guess it’s the same thing.”

“
I suppose.” I lifted her
chin and took her sweet, luscious mouth in a slow, lingering kiss.
She tasted warm and perfect and her lips trembled under mine. I
wanted to show her that I would be gentle with her tonight—that I
would bring her only pleasure and no pain. Then I looked at her
seriously. “But however you phrase it, I need to know why you’re
still so worried. Do you fear letting me touch you?”

“
Not…exactly.” She looked
away evasively, biting her lip.

“
Then what is it?” I
coaxed. “Come, Gwendolyn tell me. I swear nothing you say could
upset or surprise me.”

“
Well…it’s
just…”

* * * * *

Gwendolyn

I looked up at him uncertainly. For a demon
of lust, he was certainly being very sweet and gentle and kind. But
could I honestly tell him the real reason I was so embarrassed
about him touching me? Well, other than it being a sin and
incredibly dangerous territory if I didn’t want to lose half my
power, I mean.

“
Just tell me,” he
murmured again, stroking my cheek with those long, gentle fingers.
His ruby eyes burned into mine. “Tell me,
mon ange.”

Abruptly, I decided to just let it go—my
biggest secret, my hidden shame. It made me feel weird and wrong
and different but what the Hell—he wasn’t going to let up until I
spilled the beans.

I took a deep breath.

“
Remember how you said you
had to…wanted to…make me come tonight?”

“
Of course.” His eyes were
half-lidded with desire. “It will be my very great pleasure to
bring you to the peak.”

“
Well, it might not be as
easy as you think.” I looked down at my hands, suddenly ashamed.
“Because, well…I can’t come. Can’t have an orgasm, I mean. At
least…at least I never have before and it’s not for lack of trying,
either. I just…
can’t.”

“
Hmm…So you’ve never had
an orgasm?” His tone was intrigued, as though I had posed an
interesting problem. Well, at least he didn’t sound weirded out or
non-plussed as the few—the
very
few—
other people I’d admitted my problem
to had.

“
No, never.” I plucked up
a little courage and looked up at him. “I mean, part of it is
probably because I feel like it’s better to just avoid…anything
like that. Because when you start thinking about it, you start
wanting to do it and pretty soon you’re in trouble.”

“
What kind of trouble?” he
asked softly.

“
You know what kind. The
kind that loses you half your power and cuts your potency as a
witch in half. The kind that ruins your life.” I looked down at my
fingers, twisting in the white fur coverlet. “I just…don’t want to
end up like Keisha.”

“
Who is Keisha?” he
murmured.

“
My little sister.” Then I
realized I was telling too much. “Never mind—I don’t want to talk
about her.”

“
All right. We don’t have
to if you’d rather not,” he said. “So you try not to think sexual
thoughts or have sexual feelings but even when you allow yourself
to reach for pleasure, it eludes you?”

I gave a sad little laugh.

“
Ha—that’s a nice way to
put it. But yeah, I guess so.” I sighed. “I just can’t…seem to find
the right way. I mean, I know that sounds ridiculous—I’m a
grown-ass woman—I ought to be able to help myself. But nothing
seems to work.”

“
And have you spoken to
anyone about it?”

I shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

“
A few friends who thought
I was weird. I mean, it’s awkward to bring that up in the first
place and then to admit that I can’t…that I’ve never…” I shook my
head. “Anyway, so
that
didn’t help. Then I took a human sexuality class in college
and I finally got up the nerve to ask the professor about
it.”

I sighed, remembering the horrible,
embarrassed feeling I’d gotten when I finally stammered out my
question.

“
She was supposed to be
this big expert,” I said. “She’d written something like twenty
books on sexual expression and female sexuality.”

“
And what was her advice
to you?” Laish wanted to know.

I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my
head.

“
She said to get a
vibrator. Which is what I kept reading everyplace I looked for help
too. But I
got
one.” I vividly remembered how nervous I’d been, smuggling
the forbidden sex toy into Gram’s house and hiding it under my
mattress.

“
And did it help at all?”
Laish was being really understanding about this—I couldn’t help
thinking that it was easier talking to him about my problem than it
had been with any of the friends I’d trusted or the
well-credentialed professor.

“
It didn’t,” I said, with
a sigh. “For one thing I kept thinking every minute that I might
get caught with it. And it was so
loud—
I felt like everyone in a three
block radius could hear me…you know,
touching
myself.”

My cheeks got hot as I said it and I
couldn’t look at him anymore.

Laish still didn’t seem a bit perturbed.

“
But did the sensations it
gave you feel good? Or were you too preoccupied with your concerns
about privacy to notice?”

“
It was too intense,” I
admitted softly. “Too
much.
I felt like I was being shocked with an
electrical charge down there. Like someone put a live wire to my
coochie.”

“
Not very conducive to
pleasure,” he murmured and there was amusement in his
voice.

“
You’re laughing at me,” I
accused him. “This must seem really funny and pathetic to you—a
woman my age who can’t help herself…help herself come.” My cheeks
went hot saying it but it was the truth and it made me feel sad and
defective all over again to admit it.

“
On the contrary,
mon ange,
I do not find
your situation funny at all. But I don’t think it’s quite the
problem you make it out to be.”

“
Not a problem?” I flared
at him, feeling irritated. “Of
course
it’s a problem! I want to
have what every other woman in the world has! I want to be able to
feel sexual pleasure!”

“
Except that you don’t,”
he pointed out softly. “You don’t really want to feel it because
you fear it—fear it will lead to other things. Such as the loss of
your powers…or perhaps the loss of your grandmother’s good
opinion.”

His words hit home and I couldn’t deny they
were true.

“
Maybe,” I mumbled,
looking away again.

“
Gwendolyn…” He cupped my
cheek and turned my face to his so that I had to look at him. “I
submit to you that perhaps your problem, as you call it, is more
mental than physical.”

“
How do you mean?” I
asked, frowning.

“
Think of it. You fear
your sexual feelings because of the way you have been raised. Your
sister dared to go against what you were taught with disastrous
consequences which reinforced your fear.”

“
But I
tried,”
I said earnestly. “I really
tried and it never happened. And I don’t just mean with the
vibrator…with…with my fingers too.” I felt like my face was going
to catch on fire as I admitted this but I had to say it—had to let
him know I’d really tried everything before I finally gave up and
decided it was better to live a sexless existence.

“
You tried, you say,”
Laish mused. “But I’m certain every minute you felt watched…feared
someone might walk in and see you doing such a ‘shameful’
thing.”

I nodded reluctantly. “Well, yes I
guess.”

His words pretty much
summed up every attempt at self-pleasure I’d ever made. It just
made me feel so
guilty…
so dirty and wrong knowing I was doing something that would
be frowned on and that could get me into serious
trouble.

“
And so you put it from
your mind…try to forget about it…deny it,” Laish said.

I nodded again.

“
Grams always says
thinking leads to talking and talking leads to doing and doing
leads to trouble,” I murmured. “So I try not to think about it much
or…or
need
it.
But sometimes…sometimes I just get so…so…”

“
So hungry,” Laish
finished for me and there was a soft intensity in his voice that
made me look up at him again. His eyes were burning as he stroked
my cheek. “There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself a little
pleasure now and then, Gwendolyn. But I think it is very hard for
you to believe that after the upbringing you have had.”

“
Grams brought me up just
fine,” I snapped. “She did a great job and it was really hard on
her after my mom died.”

“
No one disputes that,”
Laish murmured. “But let us stop talking about her for a moment.
Let us put her from the room, as it were and concentrate on
you.”

I bit my lip.

“
All right—concentrate all
you want.
Do
whatever you want. But I don’t think anything’s going to come
of it.”

He frowned.

“
Of course not, if you’re
determined it won’t. All I’m asking you, Gwendolyn, is to try and
open yourself to the experience…to open yourself to pleasure, just
a little bit. Let yourself enjoy touching and being touched…let
yourself give in to being close to me.”

He gathered me into his arms again, pulling
me close to his big, muscular body. At first I stiffened against
him, unsure of what was coming next. But Laish just held me,
stroking my back soothingly, until at last, I began to relax.

It really was nice being held in his arms, I
reflected as I allowed myself to settle more fully against him.
True, it was still embarrassing being naked but it helped that he
seemed to like the way I looked so much. Also, I found his warm
cinnamon and dark spice sent deliciously soothing. The hard planes
of his chest were surprisingly comfortable and despite my nudity
and the fact that we were supposed to “sin” together tonight at
some point, I felt more at ease with him now than I ever had.

I examined my feelings, wondering why that
was. Did I trust him more now, because of the way he had saved me
from the devilkin venom? Or was it the way he had held me so gently
in the tub and then sucked my nipples, watching my reaction as he
pleasured me with his mouth? Remembering that made me feel hot and
bothered and I started to push the feeling away…then I stopped.

How often had I done that to myself? How
often had I denied my feelings, quenched my desire, hidden my
sexual need or pretended it didn’t exist at all? Though a little
voice in my head was telling me it was necessary to deny my desire
in order to keep me safe, another, stronger voice was saying
something else.

It’s not fair. Not fair!
Why should every other woman in the world get to have sexual
feelings and pleasure and not me? Why—just because I’m a witch?
Because that’s what I’ve been taught—to wait until the right man
comes along? But what if he never comes? Or what if I’m so used to
turning off my sex drive when I finally find him I can’t turn it
back
on
again?
What then?

Suddenly I wanted with my
entire being to give in to the warm, sexual need I felt pooling in
my belly. When Laish’s big, warm hand caressed my shoulder and side
and hip, it made me want to press closer to him. When he cupped my
ass, I shivered with desire, wanting more…so much
more
.

“
And you can have
more,
mon ange,”
he murmured in my ear, startling me. Had I spoken my wish
aloud? Or had he somehow plucked it out of my head?

“
Laish?” I whispered
uncertainly, looking up at him.

“
You can have as much or
as little as you like.” He stroked my cheek. “Would you like to
have pleasure tonight, Gwendolyn?”

I opened my mouth, not
sure what was going to come out.
Danger!
shouted a little voice in my
head but I was tired of listening to that voice.

“
Yes,” I heard myself say.
“Yes, I want to have pleasure. I want…I want to come.”

“
Very well.” He gave me a
slow smile. “Then I will help you. Come…let’s begin.”

Chapter
Sixteen

Gwendolyn

“
First let us get into a
better position.”

Laish sat up and propped a pillow against
the broad, padded headboard. Then he leaned back against it and
patted the space between his spread thighs. “Come, Gwendolyn—sit
with me.”