Rum Spring (20 page)

When Rebecca concluded her visit, Dylan drove her to Lutz and parked outside her uncle Amos’s house. She gripped the steering wheel with both hands, afraid to let go.

Rebecca turned around to look into the backseat. Michael was strapped in his car seat, a half-eaten candy cane in his hands. Rebecca rubbed his round belly. “Merry Christmas, nephew.”

“Mewwy Kwismas, Becca.”

Rebecca turned back to Dylan. “I was wrong. He isn’t going to be a heartbreaker one day. He’s one now.”

Just like his aunt.

Rebecca leaned and pressed a kiss to Dylan’s cheek. Dylan had to use every ounce of her willpower to stop herself from turning her head and meeting Rebecca’s lips with her own.

“Merry Christmas, Dylan. If I don’t see you before you go back to school, have a safe trip.”

“You’re going to see plenty of me. I’ll be at the bakery bright and early Monday morning for two of your famous German chocolate cupcakes.”

Rebecca blushed. “I’ll be sure to sprinkle an extra helping of coconut on them just for you.”

Dylan waited until Rebecca was safely inside the house before she drove away. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. How could she be so happy and so miserable at the same time?

It was too late to meet up with her parents for dinner so she headed to church instead, hoping to catch the parish priest before he began his final preparations for midnight Mass. She parked in front of Saint Peter’s and strapped Michael into his stroller.

“Come on, big guy. Let’s go see Father Liam.”

Inside the cathedral, she walked up the aisle, kneeled at the transept, and quickly crossed herself. Then she headed to the vestry.

Father Liam ruffled Michael’s hair and welcomed Dylan into his office with a warm hug. “How is my favorite undergrad?”

“Conflicted.”

Father Liam looked concerned as he directed Dylan to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk. He sat opposite her and took one of her hands in his. “Are you having a crisis of conscience or faith?”

“Conscience. I need some advice.”

“That’s why they pay me the big bucks.”

Father Liam was only a few years removed from the seminary. His youth endeared him to the younger members of his congregation but distanced him from the older ones. Dylan had been a fan of his since the day he took the helm of Saint Peter’s. She had sought his opinion before, but not his advice. She usually turned to her parents for that. But this time, she needed an unbiased opinion.

“How can I help you?”

“I need to know how you subjugate your desires.”

“How do I or how do you?”

“I should probably explain myself.”

“That would help.”

“I’m in love with someone. She loves me, too, but her faith won’t allow us to be together.”

“And she has chosen to remain celibate rather than express her sexuality?”

“Yes. How did you know?”

“Lucky guess.”

“I respect her wishes and I’m trying not to take her decision as a personal affront, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to act when I’m around her. I still want…the same things I used to want. My feelings for her haven’t changed.”

“Most likely, her feelings for you haven’t changed, either. She’s probably feeling the same confusion you are if not more. The decision to remain celibate is not one that is taken lightly. Don’t think of it as a denial of her love for you. Think of it as confirmation.”

“So what do I do? And don’t tell me I should pray about it, because I already have and it obviously didn’t work. If it did, I wouldn’t be here.”

“As you well know, love takes many forms. Romantic, platonic, fraternal. None of them are any better or worse than the others. They’re equally worthy in God’s eyes. You don’t have to stop loving her, Dylan.”

“I know, but how do I stop wanting her?”

“Short answer? You have to want to. You have to learn to separate love from desire. It takes time. It takes practice. It’s not something you can do overnight. But it can be done. If you truly want to see it through. Is that what you want?”

Dylan examined her heart. Would friendship be enough or would she always long for something she couldn’t have?

“I guess I’m going to have plenty of cold showers in my future.”

December 26, second Christmas, was a day set aside for family dinners and visits with friends. Dinner wouldn’t be the same without Sarah, Joshua, Michael, and Moses at the table, but Rebecca was determined to make the most of it.

She and Uncle Amos made the short walk to her parents’ house, where they climbed into the large buggy her father saved for family trips. Her parents sat in the front, Rebecca and Uncle Amos in the back. Her father and Uncle Amos sat on the right side, her mother and Rebecca on the left. When a man and woman rode together, the man always rode on the right and the woman to his left. Rebecca smiled as she remembered the times she and Sarah used to fight about who would have to ride on the “boy” side. Her parents made sure they had the same number of turns on each side. That was her parents in a nutshell. Firm but fair.

Her father drove to the Hershbergers’ farm first. Rebecca played Scrabble with Esther while her parents and Uncle Amos talked with Mr. and Mrs. Hershberger.

Esther totaled the scores. “You win again, Rebecca. That’s three games in a row. You should be teacher’s assistant instead of me.”

Rebecca packed the tiles and game board and put them away. “You’re doing a fine job at the school, Esther. All the students love you and Mrs. Knepp wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

“Everything I learned, I learned from you. Except how to beat you at Scrabble.” Esther warmed her feet next to the gas heater. “Tobias is to be baptized next Sunday. Did he tell you?”

“No, we haven’t seen much of each other lately.”

“I wish things could have worked out for the two of you. Now it’s too late. He’s spending all his time with Naomi Rader.”

“Is he serious about her?”

Esther lowered her voice as if she were revealing a state secret. “I think they are to be wed. Why does that make you smile?”

“I am happy for him. When he’s published, I will tell him so.”

Rebecca felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Tobias, who had claimed to have no interest in other girls, had managed to find love. Perhaps Dylan would be able to do the same. The thought didn’t hold as much appeal as Rebecca thought it would. She wanted Dylan to be happy, but part of her longed to share that happiness. Though she had relinquished her rights to Dylan’s heart, her heart would always belong to Dylan. Whether Dylan knew it or not.

After leaving the Hershbergers’, Rebecca and her family traveled to Joshua King’s farm. Joshua and Marian, who had gotten married the previous month, seemed surprised but pleased to see them.

“Come in out of the cold,” Joshua said warmly.

The house was as Rebecca remembered it. Small and cozy. Marian sat by the fireplace. She was feeding eight-month-old Moses, who sucked greedily from a bottle of fresh milk.

Her father gazed fondly at Moses. “That looks like thirsty work.”

“Would you like to take over, Mr. Lapp?”

“It’s been years since I held a baby. I might not remember how.”

Her mother gave him a gentle push. “It’s like riding a bicycle. Once you learn, you never forget.”

Marian stood and waited for her father to sit down before she placed Moses in his arms. He cradled Moses in the crook of his left arm. Moses wrapped his tiny hand around one of her father’s work-calloused fingers and drew the bottle to his mouth.

“He has his—he has a good appetite.”

The room quieted at the near mention of Sarah. Before the silence stretched on too long, Joshua cleared his throat.“Marian and I have an announcement. We are expecting a child.” He placed a hand on Marian’s stomach.

Marian covered Joshua’s hand with hers. “If the child is a girl, we will name her Sarah.”

Her mother dabbed at her eyes. Her father looked as if he were fighting back tears of his own. “That is a fine name,” he said.

Christmas was a time for forgiveness and fellowship. Rebecca, who usually strived to make every day like Christmas, had not been able to forgive Marian for her role in Sarah’s downfall. Seeing Marian’s apparent contrition compelled her to make amends.

“I am glad Moses will have a little sister or brother to play with.” She wrapped her arms around Marian and drew her into a hug. “Congratulations, sister.”

“I look forward to being able to say the same to you in a year or two. The love of a good man can change your life.”

So can the love of a good woman. It certainly changed mine.

“There you are. Two German chocolate cupcakes with extra coconut.”

Rebecca pushed the bag of sweets and a cup of hot chocolate across the counter. Dylan handed her a ten-dollar bill and waited for her change.

“Do you have time to share the fruits of your labors with me?” Dylan asked, dropping a pair of ones into a nearby tip jar.

Rebecca looked around the bakery. The morning rush had not quite ended. She didn’t want to leave Mrs. Dunham shorthanded.

“I can handle this unruly mob for fifteen minutes,” Mrs. Dunham said. “Take a break.”

“Thank you.”

She and Dylan sat at a small round bistro table by the window. Rebecca drew doodles in the condensation on the glass but stopped when she realized the doodles looked suspiciously like the hearts lovesick boys carved into trees. She erased the artwork with her hand and folded her arms on the table.

Dylan ate her cupcake with a fork instead of pinching it with her fingers like she used to. “Mmm. These are so much better than the stale bagels in the school cafeteria.”

Dylan’s smile stopped Rebecca’s heart. She seemed so different after only seven months away. Her hair was longer, her energy still vibrant but far less animated. A sweet tomboy had left for college and a sophisticated woman had returned in her place. And yet her effect on Rebecca was the same. Attempting to break the connection, Rebecca turned her attention to her cupcake.

“How were your holidays?” she asked, dipping her finger into the thick coconut-pecan icing.

“Enlightening.”

“Mine, too. Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?”

“Almost. Santa didn’t bring me the Harley I asked for, but maybe next year. How about you?”

Their knees brushed under the table. Rebecca, enjoying the contact, didn’t pull away.

“I got everything I wanted and more. I got my friend back.”

Dylan smiled. “And she’s glad to be back.”

“Will friendship be enough for you?”

“It will have to be.”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I want you in my life.”

Dylan covered Rebecca’s hand with her own. “And I want you in mine. Don’t worry about me. I’ll deal. Don’t I always?”

Rebecca nodded. She longed to link her fingers with Dylan’s but resisted the urge. Dylan seemed to be doing a much better job than she was separating who they were now from who they used to be. “Have a safe trip back to school,” she said after Dylan pulled her hand away.

“I’ll try.” Dylan pushed her chair away from the table and zipped up her jacket. “I’ll see you next spring.”

“I can’t wait.”

They parted with a hug that left Rebecca wanting more.

“You two make a cute couple,” Mrs. Dunham said after Dylan left.

The statement shocked Rebecca. Not the statement itself but its implications. Were her feelings for Dylan that obvious?

“We’re not a couple.”

“You could have fooled me.” Mrs. Dunham put a caramel cake in a box and taped the original order form to the back of the box. Then she looked up at Rebecca and smiled. “I guess it’s safe to say your parents don’t know you’re gay.”

Rebecca didn’t know what to say. Lutz was a small town. Admitting the truth could cost her her job or, more importantly, her friendship with Mrs. Dunham. Swallowing hard, she decided to take a chance. “No,” she said. “No, they don’t.”

“They won’t hear it from me.” Mrs. Dunham’s hug provided much-needed reassurance. “Thank you for sharing your secret with me.”

Relief washed over Rebecca like a wave. She felt like crying. “How did you know?”

“I may be straight but I’m not narrow. My gaydar’s always been pretty good. Is Dylan your girlfriend?”

Rebecca’s gaze dropped to the floor. “She was for a time. We’re just friends now.”

“Those are important, too.”

“She’s taking me to the beach this spring.”

“Which one?”

“We haven’t decided yet. Atlantic City is closest.”

“You don’t want to go there. It’s like Vegas without The Strip. Why don’t you go to Provincetown? It’s the largest gay and lesbian resort in the country if not the world. You’ll love it there. It’s small, quiet, and close enough to be accessible but far enough away to be liberating.”

“How do you know so much about it?”

Mrs. Dunham grinned. “Like I said, I may be straight but I’m not narrow. If you go to Provincetown, there are four things you’re going to need for your trip: sunscreen, a swimsuit for the days, a sweater for the nights, and courage for everything else. You can get most of those things at the mall, but you’re going to have to find the courage within yourself.”

“Why would I need courage?”

“As I’m sure you’re beginning to find out, it takes guts to be yourself. Use them on your trip. Don’t stand in your own way. Go for it. Don’t be afraid to let whatever happens happen. Don’t force it. Don’t run away from it. Just follow it to its natural progression. If you do that, you’ll have an experience you’ll remember for the rest of your life.”

Rebecca absorbed the advice, but didn’t know if she should follow it. If she did what Mrs. Dunham said, would she have an experience to remember or one she longed to forget?

No matter how great the temptation, she had to keep telling herself that she and Dylan were just friends. She had made her decision. Now she had to live with the consequences. She suspected the trip with Dylan would test her resolve as never before. Would she pass the test?

Chapter Fourteen

Rebecca counted the days until spring. Until she could see Dylan again. Until they could go away together. Even though she and Dylan were no longer a couple, Rebecca missed spending time with her. She missed talking to her. Exchanging letters was okay, but it wasn’t as good as hearing Dylan’s voice. As seeing her face. Sharing a room with her was bound to be awkward after everything they had experienced, but Rebecca thought she was up for the challenge. When the day of their departure finally arrived, she was so excited she felt like she was jumping out of her skin.