Running Wide Open (21 page)

“I should take you home. We both need sleep, and we aren’t likely to get much of it here.”

“I want to stay.”

“So do I, but it’s not practical.”

Kasey drove me to the trailer so I could get some clothes. Walking through the front door was spooky. Everything was exactly as we’d left it Saturday afternoon. The thirty hours that had passed since then felt like a lifetime.

By the time we got to Kasey’s house I was so tired I stumbled as I followed her down the hall to one of her spare rooms. I collapsed on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, focusing on a shaft of light that poured in from the hallway. Kasey’s cat, Winston, hopped up and stretched out alongside me. Warmth and comfort radiated from his body as he purred.

Out in the living room Kasey played back the messages on her answering machine. There must’ve been a dozen of them, all from people at the track. One was from Alex. I thought about how I’d yelled at him and felt a prickle of regret. None of this was his fault.

I closed my eyes and told myself it was okay to relax now, that Race was getting better, but the inside of my head buzzed like a busy freeway interchange. I knew a cigarette would help. I hadn’t had a one since I’d left the speedway the night before. There’d been plenty of times I’d been desperate for one, but I’d been too scared to leave the hospital, even to go out to the parking lot for a few minutes. I considered sneaking out onto the porch now to light up, but I was too wiped out. Besides, I didn’t want Kasey to catch me at it.

Sleeping that night wasn’t any easier than eating had been, even with Winston snuggled up against my side. My hand ached, and my mind was stuck in a groove, rehashing thoughts I’d spent the whole day trying to avoid. What if Race didn’t wake up? What if he did, but he wasn’t Race anymore?

When I finally managed to drift off, images of the wreck kept jerking me awake. At six o’clock I gave it up and went out to the kitchen, where Kasey was sitting at the table drinking coffee.

“I called the hospital,” she said. “Race is breathing on his own now, but he’s still unconscious.” She studied the dark liquid in her cup then looked up and forced a smile. “Would you like me to make you some breakfast?”

I shook my head.

“You have to eat.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Kasey sighed. “I know. I feel like my stomach is staging a rebellion. Let’s just get something at the hospital. I don’t want Race to wake up alone.”

“What about the shop?”

“I called Jake yesterday. He’ll take care of things.”

The ICU waiting area had a sick sort of familiarity. It was like I’d spent weeks there instead of hours. Denny had to work, but Grandma showed up just after we did, looking impatient and annoyed.

“I talked to your mother last night, Cody. She said she told you a week ago that she wanted you to move to Phoenix. You might have mentioned that yesterday.”

“Why? I’m not going.” I slumped in my chair, wishing she’d leave me alone. I was numb from lack of food and sleep, but the daze felt almost good. It slowed down the rush of thoughts in my head, and I didn’t want to be wrenched out of it.

Grandma settled herself in a chair across from us, her tailored skirt falling neatly into place. “When I told her about Race’s accident, she was particularly insistent.”

“So? That’s her problem.”

“It may be yours, as well.”

“Cody can’t leave,” Kasey said. “Doesn’t she understand what that would do to Race?”

“Saundra’s not thinking of Race, or Cody for that matter. She’s thinking of herself,” Grandma said.

I snorted. “As if that’s anything unusual.”

Grandma’s eyes skewered me. “Your mother has her issues, but when push comes to shove she comes through for you. You wouldn’t be here now if she didn’t.”

“That’s what I don’t understand,” Kasey said. “She sent Cody here. What made her change her mind?”

“With Saundra, who knows? She gets an idea into her head, and no matter how ridiculous or impractical it may be, she does whatever it takes to get her way.”

One thing you could say for Grandma—she was equally harsh with everyone. It gave me a little rush of satisfaction to learn that even though my mother was her favorite, she wouldn’t hesitate to call it like she saw it.

“Frankly, Saundra’s feelings are the least of my concerns,” Kasey said. “What will it take to get her to let Cody stay?”

“I’ll talk to her,” said Grandma, totally shocking me. “She doesn’t listen to most people, but she’ll listen to me. She has to if she wants to stay on the good side of my checkbook.”

* * *

Later that afternoon, Kasey came back from sitting with Race and eased herself down beside me. I looked up from my book. After reading the same page about five hundred times, I still had no idea what it said.

“He’s doing much better,” she told me. “They’re going to transfer him to a regular room.”

“Is he awake yet?”

A faint look of uneasiness flickered in Kasey’s eyes. “Cody, people with this type of injury rarely wake up all at once.”

“I know. You keep telling me. But has he woke up at all?”

“Yes, in a manner of speaking. Only for a few minutes at a time, though.”

“Is he . . . ? Can he . . . ?” I couldn’t come right out and say what I wanted to, but Kasey must’ve been worried about the same thing, because she figured it out.

“He’s still Race.”

The words released something in me that had been tangled up in unworkable knots, but they also brought a fresh surge of anger.

“He’s having some trouble speaking, and he’s not particularly lucid, but the doctor said that’s normal. It doesn’t mean he won’t get better.” Kasey’s eyes gently probed me. “Do you want to see him?”

My heart pounded, and suddenly there wasn’t enough air in the room.

“No,” I said quickly. I didn’t realize I was shaking until Kasey put her hand on my arm.

“I know it’s frightening.”

“I can’t,” I said. How could I explain? I didn’t want to see Race hooked up to a bunch of tubes and machines. I didn’t want to see him weak and helpless and maybe not knowing who I was.

Kasey patted my arm. “There’s no hurry. Maybe tomorrow.”

* * *

On Tuesday things were a little better because Race had been moved to a regular room, but hanging around the hospital still creeped me out. Kasey went down to the cafeteria with me at lunchtime. At least my appetite had returned.

“He’s retaining more of what the nurses and I are telling him, and that’s a good sign,” Kasey said. “The briefer the period of post traumatic amnesia, the greater the likelihood for a full recovery.”

I stirred my pool of ketchup with a French fry, annoyance building in me like lava pulsing toward the mouth of a volcano. I was so sick of medical jargon.

“I’m just thankful I don’t have to keep telling him what happened,” Kasey added. “You’d think it would get easier, but it’s more difficult each time.”

The thought of her going through that really pissed me off. “Why should you have to tell him? Let the nurses do it.”

“Would you want to hear something like that from a stranger?”

A comforting flood of anger washed over me. “I wouldn’t have to, because I wouldn’t have been stupid enough to get in that car with a crappy helmet.”

Kasey stared at me, her fork motionless in midair, but something kept her from telling me off. Feeling calmer as the anger flowed back and displaced my fear, I glared at her. Kasey could gawk at me all she wanted. It didn’t change the fact that this whole thing was Race’s fault.

* * *

On the way home that night, Kasey looked like she’d pulled a week of all-nighters, but a dash of her confidence had returned. Denny’d shown up after work—though there was still no sign of Jim—and he and Kasey had spent an hour with Race while I sat in the waiting room thinking I should be at karate practice. Even though Kasey would have taken me, I hadn’t mentioned it to her.

The angled rays of evening sunlight glanced off the hood of the Charger as we cruised up Alder. I caught a whiff of roses from someone’s garden and marveled at the contrast between what was happening at the hospital and out in the real world.

Beside me, Kasey rattled on about how well Race was doing. “He’s in remarkably good spirits, all things considered. Though I don’t think any of it has really sunk in yet.”

I stared out the window on my side, watching trees and houses flash by. The stronger Race got, the madder I felt. What right did he have to put us through all this?

“He said he’d finally broken something I couldn’t fix.” Kasey made a funny little noise, halfway between a laugh and a sob. “He’s such a smartass. I suppose I should be grateful he’s still got that.”

My sore fingers clenched the armrest on the Charger’s door, sending pain surging through my hand in a way that felt ironically satisfying. How could Race joke about something like this? Didn’t he understand how much it had hurt us?

“He wants to see you,” Kasey said. “I know you don’t think you’re ready, but it would help both of you.”

“No.”

“He’s worried about you,” she persisted. “You’re the first thing he asked about.”

“What, not his car?”

Kasey bristled, eyeing me across the front seat. “I know you’re hurting, Cody, but you could try being more compassionate.”

“I could,” I said. “But I won’t.”

Chapter 20

“I have to go to the shop today,” Kasey said Wednesday morning. “There’s too much for Jake to deal with on his own. But I’m taking you to see Race, first. He’s worried about you, and he doesn’t have the strength for it. He needs to know that you’re all right.”

Tired and irritable, I poked at the scrambled eggs she’d fixed me. My dreams the night before hadn’t been as bad as they were right after the wreck, but they’d still cut into my sleep. “Why should I care what he needs?” I mumbled. “He never asked me what I needed when he got in that damned car with a lousy helmet.”

A brief war played over Kasey’s face. Understanding battled with annoyance, and finally a pained look of patience won out. “I know you’re angry, Cody. On some level I am, too. But neither of us is anywhere near as angry with Race as he is with himself.”

“That’s his problem.”

The look of patience evaporated. “I’m beginning to get tired of your attitude. The thing you have to realize is that you’re staying with me for Race’s benefit as much as your own. I love you like one of my brothers or sisters, but if you make me choose between you and Race, you’re going to lose.”

“You think that’d be anything new? I’m used to people putting me last.”

Kasey gave me a hard look. “I might have a little more sympathy for you if you were the one recovering from a critical injury. Now finish your breakfast and get in the car.”

“Forget it. I’m not going back there.” My temper flared and the words spilled out before I could stop them. “Race should’ve known better.
You
should’ve known better! Why didn’t you buy him a damned helmet? You’ve got money.”

Guilt and pain flashed across Kasey’s face. She sank heavily into the chair across from me. “Don’t you think I’ve asked myself that question a hundred times since Saturday night?”

A tide of shame washed over me.

“I understand why you want someone to blame,” Kasey said, her voice shaking. “You think if you can find somebody to hold responsible it will help. But it won’t. Can’t you see that? Even if you pin this on Race—or on me—it won’t go away.” Kasey pushed back from the table, drained and defeated. “Finish your eggs,” she said quietly. “We need to go.”

“Kasey—” I looked at her desperately. “I don’t want to.” My fury had burned out, leaving me with nothing but fear.

“I know. But what you want isn’t as important as what Race needs.”

* * *

As we drove to the hospital I slumped in my seat, ashamed of myself for yelling at Kasey and confused over how I felt about Race. It wasn’t like I
wanted
to be mad at him, the anger just kept growing in me like a mudslide, huge and thunderous and out of control.

“I know you’re afraid,” Kasey said. “So I want to tell you what to expect. It isn’t like when Race was in ICU. There aren’t any machines—he’s just got an IV. He’s having some trouble finding words, though. It’s called aphasia and it can be a little unsettling.”

“Did they shave his head?” Somehow the idea of Race sporting the Mr. Clean look really bothered me.

“Only in two places, for the surgery and the ICP monitor.” Kasey took her hand from the wheel, reaching across the seat to place it on top of mine. “It won’t be as bad as you think.”

At the hospital I lagged behind, scared of what I would see in spite of Kasey’s reassurance. My heart thumped hard, doing that weird fluttery thing where it feels like it’s tripping over itself. I kept my eyes fixed on the floor as I walked into Race’s room.

“Cody.” Race’s voice exerted a strange power over me, drawing my attention from the speckled tile. Kasey was right—it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. But he still looked like hell. Just seeing him in a hospital bed would’ve spooked me, even if it hadn’t been for the shaved patches, and the stitches, and the remnants of that reddish-yellow stuff they slather on your skin before they slice you open. The worst part was the rigidity in his face, telling me how much pain he was in and how hard he was trying to hide it. It made my stomach twist. Pissed as I was at him, I didn’t want to see him hurting like that.

Race gave me a smile that was tired and pale in comparison to his usual smart-assed grin. “Hey,” he said. Then he noticed my bandaged hand. “What . . . what happened?”

I glanced at Kasey. Not knowing what I should say, I shrugged.

“He bruised his hand. It’s nothing serious.” Kasey’s fingertips prodded my back, giving me a gentle push toward the bed. I ducked to the side and took refuge in the chair over by the wall.

Kasey shook her head almost imperceptibly, but she didn’t tell me off. Instead she stepped forward to fill the void at Race’s side.

“I can’t stay, but Cody will keep you company this morning.”

“You’re going to . . .” Race faltered, “to the . . .” A faint look of aggravation flickered in his eyes and he swore. At least he could remember the important words.