Safe in His Arms (13 page)

Lindsay balanced her elbow on her leg and held her chin between her thumb and forefinger. “How long have you been feeling this way?”

“Ever since,” he began, and then had to start over. “Ever since—”

“Since the day when you pulled one sister from the
wreckage of a car accident and her other sister died,” she completed for him. She didn't pose it as a question.

“I've questioned myself every day on the job since then.” He squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I should have—I don't know—maybe if I'd…”

He let his words trail away because even now he couldn't name a single thing he would have done differently if he'd come upon an identical accident today and the victims had presented in the same manner.

“I'm done swimming now.”

Joe startled at the sound of Emma's voice, and he was surprised to see her standing right in front of them. When had she jumped out of the water? When had Lindsay wrapped her in that fluffy beach towel? At least Lindsay had been paying attention to her while she swam.

“Can I watch a movie now?” Emma asked her aunt.

“Okay, but just for a little while.”

When Lindsay stood, he started to stand as well, but she indicated for him to remain seated. “I'll get her into some dry clothes and situated, and then I'll be right back.”

He watched after her as Lindsay let Emma pull her by the hand into the house. It took him a few seconds to realize she wasn't using her cane. While he waited for Lindsay to return, he sifted through the rest of the things he should tell her—those final details from the accident and why his lost confidence signaled that he shouldn't have tried to get close to her. She deserved to know all of it.

But when she stepped outside again, closing only the storm door so she could still see into the living room, and he joined her on the steps as she'd indicated, all of
those things he should have said flitted away. Instead, he found himself blurting the question that had been plaguing him for weeks.

“How can I ever be sure that a decision I make won't hurt someone else or get someone else killed?”

For a long time Lindsay didn't say anything. She must have been waiting for him to look at her because when he finally did, she was watching him, her face heartbreakingly compassionate.

“I'm sorry, but you can't.”

L
indsay's heart squeezed as Joe leaned forward on the step next to her, bracing his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands. Her throat burned with the words she'd just spoken, the words that must have placed more weight on Joe's shoulders than he could bear.

Why hadn't she noticed all of this before? The worry lines that had formed on his forehead, the loss of that strict posture he always carried in uniform. She could have excused herself by saying that she had no history of Joe before the accident for comparison, but even she had to recognize that his feelings about that night went beyond simple guilt. He blamed himself for her sister's death.

She'd been so selfish to press him for answers about the accident when he felt that way. In all the time he'd spent with Emma and her, through all of the feelings she'd developed for him, she hadn't been sensitive enough to give him the absolution he craved.

Even today, she'd only been thinking about herself and that almost-kiss from last night. An event she just might have imagined. Well, her selfishness stopped
now. He deserved a break, and she was going to give it to him.

“What happened the night of the accident wasn't your fault,” she told him. “You did the best you could. We both wish you would have been able to pull Delia out, too, but it wasn't meant to be.”

He shook his head. “But I could have—”

“You did everything you could. Everything,” she insisted. “More than most people would have done. Like at the hospital…after.”

His laugh bore no real humor. “You know we're not supposed to get involved with victims like that.”

“Maybe not, but I appreciated that you did.”

Though he'd become a lot more involved with her since that first night at the hospital, neither of them mentioned it. Still, the truth of it hung heavily in the silence between them.

He lifted one shoulder and lowered it, but it was obvious that he either wasn't accepting anything she'd said or that her words only upset him more. From the strange way he was acting today, pulling away from her, she wasn't sure she would have many more opportunities to tell him, so she wanted to do it now.

“You have to stop blaming yourself.” She waited until he looked over at her to add, “I don't blame you.”

“You don't?”

The skepticism in his eyes seemed to battle with belief, and even though she wasn't certain that she meant it in the deepest part of her heart, she wanted nothing more than to remove his questions. “No, I don't.”

“Thanks.” He paused, as if considering what she'd said, before continuing. “I wish I could say the same.”

“Don't you think it's a little narcissistic to believe you wield that much power or control?”

Joe blinked, signaling she'd surprised him as she'd hoped she would. He watched her with his side vision, his lips lifting.

“If you're trying to make me feel better, you might want to try a different approach.”

“All I'm saying is that unless you can take full credit for every life you help to save, then you can't take full responsibility when things don't go your way.” She held up her hand before he could provide some witty comeback. “And in case you haven't figured this one out yet, you
can't
take full credit because you're not in control. God is in control.”

She waited, expecting an argument from him, but he only nodded.

“I know I can't.”

“Trooper Rossetti, sometimes you surprise me. If you understand that, then why are you wasting so much time worrying about what can go wrong?”

“I can't help it,” he said with a shrug. “I'm not in a field where I can backspace over my mistakes. Mine get zipped up in plastic and sent off to the morgue.”

His words were uncomfortably blunt, inspiring scenes that she still couldn't produce from memory, but she wouldn't allow herself to be sidetracked by the thought. Joe needed her support this time, and she was determined to give it to him.

“Listen. You can't buy trouble like that, waiting for the worst. Don't you remember, in Matthew 6:34, that Jesus says, ‘Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.'”

It was Joe's turn to grin. “Did you know that one off
the top of your head, or did you memorize it just for me?”

She elbowed him. “I knew it, but it sounds like one you should memorize, too.”

“I'll try.”

Lindsay turned to check on Emma through the window, but when she shifted back she found him watching her. Like always, her skin warmed and she just seemed to awaken under his steady gaze.

“What are you looking at?”

“An amazing woman. You might know her. She's the one who always surprises
me
with her insights. The one who helps me get my head on straight.”

Her cheeks burned over his compliment, and she didn't know what to do with her hands, so she gripped them in her lap. Something had changed between them in the past few minutes, something that felt monumental, and all she could do was to sit there and wait for whatever he planned to tell her.

“Did you know that I came over here today to tell you I couldn't see you anymore because you remind me of the accident where I made my biggest mistake?”

Lindsay swallowed as disappointment buried hope under a pile of rubble. It only made sense that Joe would feel that way because he reminded her of her darkest day as well.
She
could get past that, but maybe
he
couldn't.

Her eyes burning, she blinked back the unfortunate tears that were attempting to make an appearance. “Oh. Is that all? I just figured you were coming here to embarrass me by apologizing for almost—I mean, I thought—”

Joe stilled her words by resting his hand over the two she gripped together so hard that her fingertips
reddened. He brushed his thumb back and forth over the back of her hand, his touch feeling so warm and comforting, even if it was only offered in kindness. She stared down at their hands because it was easier than looking into his eyes.

“Please let me explain,” Joe said. “From the beginning, I felt as if I should steer clear of you if I ever wanted to get my head on straight on the force again. I just couldn't stay away. I told myself we were only friends, even though I could feel that changing. But then, after last night and the incident at the station, I was convinced I had to put space between us, for both of our sakes.”

That he continued to brush her hand with his thumb was beginning to confuse her. Shouldn't he have pulled away his hand as he was stepping back with his words? Finally, the questions were too much for her.

“Is that what you want? Space…between us?” Although her voice caught, she was surprised that she'd managed to get the question out at all.

“No, I don't.”

Lindsay blinked. What was he saying? That he didn't want space, sure, but what did that mean? That his worries about the reminders she gave him weren't as significant as he'd thought? She couldn't get her hopes up when he might just be saying he wanted to stick around so he could continue to be a protective figure in Emma's life. Lifting her head, Lindsay stared into Joe's eyes. Whatever he said, she was going to take it like a woman, not a child.

“Then what
do
you want?” she asked.

“You.”

“Oh.” She swallowed as he lifted his free hand to her face and curled his index finger under her chin.

“And this.”

He gently lifted her chin just enough, so they were looking into each other's eyes, and he leaned toward her by slow, steady steps until there was but a breath between them. Whether by instinct or need, Lindsay helped him close that last distance as her eyes fluttered shut.

Suddenly, his lips were brushing across hers in the most gentle, perfect kiss she couldn't even have predicted in her best dreams. Her first. From the
first
and
only
man she'd ever wanted to kiss her and the only one she hoped ever would.

When he pulled back, her eyes flew open in a moment of misgiving. Had her innocence been terribly obvious in her kiss? Had he decided he'd made a mistake and was bowing out now? But Joe only smiled at her and leaned in again, slanting his mouth over hers and pulling her into the sweet caress of his kiss. Her thoughts and worries fled until there was nothing and no one in her mind but this moment and this man.

Lindsay was awed and breathless when he finally eased his head away. She didn't even care that her momentous first kiss had taken place on her front porch, where everyone, neighbors and strangers alike, could have witnessed the moment without recognizing its significance. It had been a perfect moment between Joe and her, and that was all that mattered.

So this was what it felt like to be adored. Looking down at her hands, she discovered that she and Joe were still touching as they had been, only somehow their fingers had become entwined.

“Well, that was a surprise,” she said, more than a little shocked that she could find any words at all.

It was a profound moment of discovery, like the sky
clearing to pristine perfection following a storm, but now Lindsay had no doubt that she was in love with Joe. Why was it that her heart could so easily comprehend the truth that her mind had not been ready to see?

“A surprise?” Joe answered with a chuckle. “Not to me. Kissing you has been on my mind since I first met—well, way before I thought about it last night. Anyway, I wanted to apologize.”

She was still mulling over his confession that he'd been thinking about kissing her for a while when his last comment sunk in. “Apologize? Why?” Not when all she wanted to do was to gush and
thank
him.

As she felt his grip loosen on her hand and his fingers pulling away, Lindsay was tempted to hold on tighter, but she resisted. She might not know what to expect from him, but she wouldn't allow herself to be needy now. She did have a little self-respect, after all.

“I've done things a little out of order here,” Joe said with a sheepish grin. “I was supposed to take you out on a real date and impress you, and then, if I was very well-behaved, you could decide whether to let me give you a good-night kiss.”

“Sounds like a pretty rigid set of rules. You have to realize our
friendship
—” she paused, unsure how to define their relationship now “—hasn't ever been by the book. Even the way we met…”

“Even so, out of order or not, I want to take you to dinner. Tonight.” He nodded his head. “I mean, if you're available.”

She couldn't help grinning at him. “I am, I guess.”

“Wait. You never told me your news.”

“Oh, that.” Funny, how her shiny news had lost some of its luster in light of recent events. “I just wanted to tell you that I'm starting to remember.”

“Remember? Oh,” he said, as he appeared to realize what she was talking about. An unreadable look fell across his features.

“Just a few details, but it's something.”

“Well…that's great.”

He didn't seem all that enthusiastic, but she didn't expect him to be after he'd once asked her if she really wanted to know those missing details. Maybe as someone who'd been there, he wished he could protect her from having to remember the things he'd seen.

Pulling his cell phone from the pocket on his belt, he tapped a button and looked at the screen. “I'd better get back to work if I plan to keep my job.”

She hated to see him go, but she still had dinner tonight to look forward to. “You didn't even get anything to eat for lunch.”

“I have everything I need.” He reached over and rested his hand on hers again. “So I'll see you tonight, then? And if I impress you and I'm very well-behaved…”

Lindsay didn't even hesitate as she leaned in and touched her mouth to his in a tiny demonstration of the overwhelming feelings filling her heart to bursting. She could feel Joe smiling against her lips, and the sides of her mouth lifted, as well.

“Why are you kissing Trooper Joe?”

Jerking their heads apart, they both turned to find Emma standing with the glass door cracked open, staring out at them.

Joe was the first to recover. “Hey, Emma, is your movie over?”

Lindsay pulled herself to standing, using the rail, and then held her breath as she waited for her niece to answer. What if Emma asked more questions? How
could she explain their relationship to a three-year-old when she and Joe hadn't even defined it yet?

But Emma only shook her head as she stepped out on the porch and let the door close. “It's not over. I'm hungry. Can we have lunch?”

Joe and Lindsay exchanged looks and then laughed.

Lindsay cleared her throat. “Lunch. I think that could be arranged.”

Careful not to touch Joe as she passed him and give Emma another reason to ask questions, she rested her hand on the child's shoulder to lead her inside.

“But remember not to eat too much now,” Joe said.

“Why not?” Emma wanted to know.

“The three of us are going out to dinner at six,” he told her before looking up to Lindsay. “Is six okay?”

She nodded.

“And dress casual. Is pizza okay with everyone?”

“Yay! Pizza!” Emma announced.

He glanced at Lindsay, waiting on her nod. “Then six it is. One romantic dinner for three coming up.”

Joe smiled that grin that still made butterflies dance in Lindsay's belly, and she knew she would be counting down the minutes until dinnertime. She wondered how she could have been so blessed to find such an amazing man, one who was more than happy to make their first date a trio outing.

She hadn't reached the point of planning the logistics of a date—who she would find to care for Emma, what she would wear, how she would do her hair—and Joe had taken care of the most important detail. Ever since she'd become Emma's guardian, she'd felt this need to handle everything, and here Joe had given her the chance to just sit back and enjoy the ride. She couldn't help feeling relief in that.