Sand Glass (37 page)

‘Jared! You are
worthy… you do matter. And you were there when the Man brought me
back. He came with me…. And he was somehow you; I mean inside you
too. When I woke up alive, it was your hands and your voices… you
and Janey I could hear. They became one. I can see his face, but
only in the eyes and faces of people who are like him. I was there
Jared! I was there…. At that place beyond. And I choose to come
back. And it breaks my heart in a different way…. I have never told
anyone else. Not that…. Because you died at the caves, and I died
at the last shore before eternity begins…. I know what longing
there is. I know….’ I found the tears running unhindered. Silently
slipping down. Jared handed me some hankies; and then in barely a
whisper spoke:

‘I didn’t think
it would work, I didn’t know. I felt. I believed… I hoped I did…’
now Jared sniffed and rubbed his eyes too, ‘I just said whatever
came into my head. I wasn’t trying to be someone anymore. I had
given up…I was mortified when I got so angry later. But you were so
utterly forgiving. I was chilled to the bone by your kindness. I
was searching for a road home. But I needed to see that you were
that road…. And not only that…. That Marcia would fight for us
all.’

‘It was you.
Mainly you,’ I said, ‘You do know that, don’t you?’

‘Not really….
She’s… so strong.’

We were silent
for several minutes.

‘Is there
anything else?’ I asked,

He looked away
and sat back in the chair. He paused for so long I thought maybe
had had said all he wanted to say; then: ‘Let me tell you about
Janey. That other person….another reality. A dream perhaps…’

‘One of those
other possible worlds?’

‘Yes….’ he
grasped my hand, ‘and you know that she is not that one?’

‘Okay.’ I said
slowly, ‘our Janey now… is not the one you are telling me about
then….?’

He smiled and
seemed to gaze into another world that played in his mind’s eye. ‘A
dream once had and soon forgotten. Perhaps you will remember I told
you. Perhaps it is significant. But if I tell you I hope you will
see why it is dangerous to play with these other worlds….it can
break your heart. And divide your soul into bits and pieces.’

‘Go on.’

‘The first
expedition that we had. We all met. Aiden and I and all the others…
and Janey.’

‘Yes, I
know.’

‘We were all
getting to know each other and by the second week out there was a
storm…. Huge one. We had our camp set up and everyone worked hard
to secure the camp, so we would be safe. We all sat down for a meal
that our team had made. and because we knew we would not be going
anywhere the next day, we got some booze out that someone had
rather cleverly sneaked into the camp. It’s banned usually
right?’

‘Except for
clever sods like Jules getting a flask in!’ I said. Jared Laughed
and then was serious again.

‘Yes. Well…. We
had a jolly time as you can imagine. Usual ridiculous stories, daft
banter. And most of then went to bed. Aiden, Ellen, Janey, and
Myself were the only ones left. We drank some more… and…’

I waited. Jared
seemed to be wrestled with himself; ‘the thing you need to know. To
bear in mind was that this has only reordered itself in my mind
with all the rest of this since that night inside the mountain….
Once we get out; the path you have chosen is the path you remember.
I chose it. But so did all of us… you remember what I said… about
us all affecting each other?’

‘Yeah… I
remember that. You helped me understand what was going on.’

‘Yes, well,’ he
continued, ‘because of Aiden and Ellen, and them being still there
as well. Then you see the fact of time and memory overlaying things
in complex ways, there we were, at the time with no knowing who we
all were. Just a name, a role, being on an expedition. The spike
killed me. And I saw it. Divided I was to witness my own murder.
And they both saw it too… Janey and Ellen. Aiden was on the trip
but not officially. The stories are all wrong. He didn’t disappear.
He was killed and came back. Again and again. We made a deal, Aiden
and I. one would go. And one would stay. In the end we both did:
split in two…. but without the drugs. It’s something about the
mountain that did it. But Aiden on the outside was the one who made
Sandglass keep going. He has been there all the time…..’

‘Go on.’

‘Yes. So you
see. It has been confusion from the beginning. What was real. Even
who was real! But the thing about connections is that they never
fail to surface. They are reinforced by the repeating pattern as it
goes round again and again. That Deja vue that we all felt… in
which your nightmares and your dreams and your obsessions become
real. I know that she didn’t mean it. She wasn’t herself you
understand. She doesn’t know….Janey, she killed me…. I can’t bear
that she would ever find out! It wasn’t her fault, not a bit. You
do see that don’t you?’

‘Yes….of course
I do. It’s alright. I believe you.’ I turned my hand towards him.
And he touched my palm with his fingertips.

‘Yes. You
believe….and I can’t tell anyone else. They will watch her. I must
save her. I must protect her if I can. That is all that
matters….’

‘It’s alright.
I understand. I won’t tell. I will help you both….’

‘Ah! Davey. You
answer the question before I’ve asked it. So now it’s without a
point… the rest of my story.’

‘Tell me
anyway.’

‘She is always
going to be judged you know. I want to stop that from happening. Do
you see?’

‘Yes. Of
course.’

‘And she
mustn’t know. I need to know that will never happen. Even if
someone else tells about this….to find another explanation.’

‘Okay.’

He paused
again, and then sighed: ‘Janey and I were together; a long time
ago. In another world she was not what she now is….or even appears
to be’ He took a deep breath, ‘….I only knew who she really was
when we reached the caves on your expedition, the last one.’

‘Weird….’ I
said, ‘I mean; freaky. We could be changed or even all snap out of
existence… just like that!’

I watched his
eyes. He was looking puzzled then as if something was giving
way.

‘What was I
saying?’ he asked me.

I thought about
it, and didn’t really know. There were too many things wrong with
assuming you knew about people. I had still not grasped the basic
concept of the impossible paradox where someone could be their own
ancestor…. This was something like; and just when I thought I got
it I didn’t. Jared’s mind was like a deep tangled forest;
everything would make sense if that world was full of some sort of
magic. Earth magic and science, where nothing was what it seemed.
It was too deep in the forest of confusion for me. I didn’t want to
travel into the dark with other people’s private obsessions. I
wasn’t sure if I had understood him correctly; of if he just meant
it in some other way. If I understood anything, it was that we had
made our choices now. And that was it. Jared was looking at me
solemnly. ‘Are you okay?’ he said.

‘Yeah,’ I said,
‘I think I’m glad to be alive.’

‘Yes….it’s a
mystery how we got here. Perhaps there’s something else….’

‘I hope it’s
over.’ I said.

‘We were the
experiment. And it’s probably messed people’s heads up a lot more
than anyone’s admitting. We all lost ourselves for a while
there.’

‘Marcia
didn’t,’ I said, ‘she knew everything all along.’

Jared looked
away, ‘Janey got it. Totally…. She tried to tell me but I wasn’t
listening.’

‘Somehow the
long shot worked.’

‘Janey said
something yesterday… but I was in a bad mood.’ Jared smiled now,
‘She said that it is good to remember things. I guess I was annoyed
at her for being so…. Accepting of all the weirdness….perhaps it’s
better she never knows.’

‘Yes. Perhaps.’
I said, ‘but what about you?’

‘I’d die, if I
thought it would save her. She has nothing that I will not accept.
If that is the price; I will take it. A secret of another self.
Another time…. That is what it is. Janey is another person in that
parallel world and maybe it is better this way. The conditioning
never takes us to places that we could not go ourselves, given the
right circumstances.’

‘You mean we
were told what to remember?’ I asked him.

‘Yes….or
perhaps what to forget. But who can say?’

‘No one,’ I
sighed, and he looked at me and smiled. An easy smile. One now that
seemed suffused with peace.

I looked at the
glass in front of him still untouched, then I yawned, ‘How do you
feel?’

‘Tired…. Just
tired.’ Jared lay back in the chair and closed his eyes.

A couple of
minutes later I took both glasses back downstairs. Sam and George
both looked up at me. Sam was blowing smoke rings again.

‘Violette had
to go back to the other house.’ said George. He eyed the two
glasses questioningly.

‘I’d like some
herb tea if you have it.’ I said and sat down.

‘We do,’ said
Sam springing right up, ‘One cup or two?’

‘Just one I
guess.’

‘Is everything
okay?’ George looked in a worried way at me.

‘What time is
it?’ I asked him. ‘Is Marcia coming round later?’

‘Yeah, sure.’
Sam stuck the fag out the side of his mouth as he dialled the
number. He glanced up at me, ‘George, will you make the herbal
concoction? I’ll collect her. Just make sure she’s expecting me
first.’

I went back
upstairs. Sam followed me a moment later. He looked over at Jared,
relaxed in the chair; ‘What did you do?’

‘Divine
Alchemy.’ I said, ‘Do you think you can get him into the bed?’

‘No problem.’
Sam seemed to scoop Jared up easily and lay him on the half
folded-back covers.

‘How do you do
that?’

‘Practice. I
train twice a week normally too. But may be the fact that he’s lost
a lot a weight might have made it easier.’ Sam leaned over Jared
for a moment. ‘He’s as light as Jules at the moment.’

‘I think we all
are.’

‘They be
nothing left of you! You’re a scraggy stringy kid.’

‘I’m not a
kid.’

‘Apologies
Davey.’

George came in,
‘Marcia is on her way. James is bringing her over. He was round
there.’

‘Where at?’ I
asked.

‘At work. I
think they were pulling an all-night stint doing prep for some big
function.’

‘Devotion to
duty.’ said Sam, ‘I’ll get downstairs. I think we have the first
grey light of dawn peeping through. I’ll do breakfast in an hour
and a half. At eight thirty.’

‘It’s seven
now?’ I swayed slightly.

‘Whoa! Steady
there!’ Sam caught me, I felt very dizzy suddenly. They took me to
the bedroom next door. Everything felt like it was going round.
George bent over me. ‘You really need to rest.’

‘I really need
to puke.’ I said.

‘Stay here.’
said George. He came back a moment later with the necessary bucket
and towels and kitchen roll.

‘You are not
getting enough rest…. And I think this has all been too much. I’m
going to give you something to get you relax properly.’ George
pulled my sleeve up.

‘Please ask
Janey to come.’

‘She’ll be here
when you wake up.’ He touched my arm. Or rather that’s what it felt
like.

‘Where is
Janey?’

‘She’s nearby.
At Violette’s brother’s house. I’ll ring Violette in the morning.
You’ll see her. It’s alright now.’ He put his hand on my forehead
for a moment.

‘You really are
the strangest kid.’ He pulled open the buttons at the neck of the
sweater; ‘So it is true….’ My eyes opened for a moment, and then I
drifted into the warm soft enfolding blanket of the
tranquiliser.

I woke and felt
in some languid sense, better. This time relaxed. Sunlight streamed
in across the warm colours of a rug. In the arm chair by the bed
someone sat. There was a silence that was warm, enfolding as if I
had risen to the surface through tropical waters. I was now
floating on the surface of a pool of light and living silence. It
was like that pool the one we had dived into long ago. I saw images
from within: as if from another’s mind; entering the door while the
light was just breaking the gloom with edges of perspective and
dimension.

I saw myself
asleep. A pale figure, looking like a tall slender boy. I saw long
lashes and lips parted in an exhaled breath. I saw a slight
movement of his head; He was me….. turning in sleep as the one who
came in bent over and kissed him.... My perception mingled then, a
memory of two people connected.

I turned a
little. She was there.... Dressed in lilac colours, eyes closed;
hair in waves of reddish gold down to her waist.

I saw then a
memory. I thought her paler, distant, teasing as if playing with
me, but I remembered that kiss - that one at the egg land camp. And
this time I remembered it right. I thought she was full of colour
and light. A Medieval painting come to life.

Her eyes opened
and she regarded me without moving. What moment might follow? It
would decide everything.

She moved first
because I could not. She was blinking quickly, her eyes were a
deeper blue than I remembered, the pale hair was richer and warmer
toned, she knelt by the bed and her fingertips touched mine across
the covers.

'David.' she
said.

'Janey....’ my
mouth felt dry, ‘I wanted to see you.'

'Here I am.'
she spoke without defensiveness this time.

'Janey, I'm
still not right.'

'George will be
here in a minute or two.' she rose and sat again in the chair.

As on cue,
George appeared. And just behind him the lovely Violette, who stood
next to Janey while George checked me over.