Sapphire and Shadow (A Woman's Life) (32 page)

“He was plastered all over the tee-shirt she was wearing the night of Bruce’s exhibition at the gallery. I figure you don’t wear a man’s face on your body if you hate him.”

But you might wear his emblem on your soul even though you hate him, Johanna thought.

“Mom?” Jocelyn squealed impatiently.

“What?”

“You didn’t say we could.”

“I think even if I said no, I’d be out-voted. Drive on, James.”

Joshua touched two fingers to his temple in an elaborate salute. “Yes, ma’am.”

Jocelyn clapped her hands and laughed, school, ostracism and homesickness temporarily forgotten.

Chapter Thirty-three

She had been holding her breath. Figuratively, perhaps, but the tension that had caused it was very real. She hadn’t realized just how real until she started slowly releasing it. She had left London four weeks ago and had managed to slowly pull the fragments of her life together. Harry had not contested her request for a divorce. He was too busy filing appeals. From what she’d heard, he’d even applied to his uncle, Senator Whitney, to help him beat the rap. But the senator had turned his back on him. Poor Harry. The court had found him guilty and had sentenced him to eighteen months in a British prison. For all intents and purposes, he was out of her life.

Starting over again was very difficult. She knew it would be. Being a single parent without the cushion of a housekeeper, the help of charge cards whose bills didn’t have to be dreaded at the end of each month, was decidedly much more difficult. For the last eight years, she had already considered herself to be a single parent. Harry had never been there for any of the traumas, any of the important things that mattered to a growing child. She had shouldered it all, made excuses and been there for Jocelyn in every way she knew how. But she had never had to worry about the financial end before. And she hadn’t had to worry about not being there. Now, with a full-time job, she wasn’t there as much as Jocelyn needed. With Jocelyn entering a new school and needing more than her share of understanding, Johanna, smarting from the irreversible step she had taken, needed understanding herself. It hadn’t been easy turning her back on Harry. Even as she boarded the plane, there was still a glimmer inside of her that cried out for her to stay, that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow would bring a change.

The eternal optimist. She had had to bury that part of her. And in so doing, she had eliminated hope from her soul. The kind of hope that went with romance. She could only pray that the rest of her life would proceed on an even keel. She wanted nothing more than to raise her daughter and pursue a career in art. If her mind occasionally strayed to other things, she ignored the yearnings and chalked it up to normal physical responses that had to be curbed. She was, after all, human. But that wasn’t an excuse to slip, to let her guard down.

She found that while she liked working at Joshua’s gallery, it had its drawbacks. Mainly Joshua. She liked him too much for her own good. He had changed since she had known him in college. All his good points had intensified and where once he had boyish charm, now he was attractive in a very manly sort of way. The kind of attraction that addressed itself to all her nerve endings, to the part of her that never stopped being a woman who needed to be loved. It had taken her only a few days to realize that. Somewhere in between his helping her settle into her apartment, training her at work and taking Jocelyn out after her first day at school, Johanna had realized that she could be very, very attracted to Joshua.

More than that, she was afraid that she was.

So much so that she hesitated when he invited her to attend the theater with him. He had only two tickets this time. She couldn’t take Jocelyn along as her convenient shield as she had on their outing to Rockefeller Center and to the movies.

Joshua slipped the two tickets back into his shirt pocket. He was smiling easily, but his eyes told her that he saw more than she wanted him to. Johanna wished for a room full of patrons, but not a single one crossed the threshold to come to her rescue. The gallery was empty this morning. Even Kathy was busy with billing statements in the back room.

“I know you haven’t seen the play because it just opened last week.” Just then, Kathy approached with a letter for him to sign, then, assessing the situation, backed away discreetly. “And as I remember, you were always a sucker for musicals.”

She bit her lower lip. Lying never came easily to her. It didn’t now. “Still am.”

“So, what’s the problem?” He leaned a hip against the table where she had spread out the latest prints they had received for the gallery’s album.

Her hand trembled slightly and she silently called herself an idiot. What was there to be afraid of? This was Joshua, just Joshua.

Still, her heart hammered harder than it was supposed to around an old friend. She raised her eyes to his. “I don’t know if this is such a good idea, Joshua.”

He saw the doubt there, the hesitation. That she was wavering from her staunch position as his friend gave him hope. “I think it’s an excellent idea.”

She pressed her lips together. “But—“

“And, as your boss, I’m insisting that you attend.”

She couldn’t suppress a grin that came to her lips. “That’s called harassment.”

He raised and lowered his brows comically and flickered an imaginary cigar. “You ain’t seen nothing’ yet.”

“That was Al Jolson’s line, not Groucho Marx,” she corrected.

Because he had a need, he touched her shoulder beneath the guise of friendship. “See, I need you with me to keep me straight on this kind of thing. This play is about heaven actually being an old vaudeville house and I don’t know one comic from another. Besides, it’s lonely going by yourself.”

“Oh, and you can’t get a date, right?” she teased.

He looked into her eyes again. “Right.” His voice had dropped and his expression was very serious. “I seem to be striking out rather miserably.”

“On the contrary, I think you’re doing rather well.”

“Then you’ll go?”

“Then I’ll go.” The words had come out of their own volition, telling her that whatever she might say to the contrary, even to herself, she wanted to go out with Joshua, wanted to test herself. Or perhaps, just perhaps, enjoy an evening out with an old friend.

That was a long shot, but she clutched at it.

The problem with the loft was that there wasn’t that much privacy. Since Johanna and Jocelyn shared the sleeping area, Jocelyn considered it as much hers as her mother’s and planted herself there now to watch her critically as Johanna got ready.

“What’s on your mind, Jocey?” Hastily, she slipped on earrings that had been a present from her father on her twenty-first birthday.

“Is this a date, Mom?”

It was hard to tell from Jocelyn’s tone of voice if she approved or disapproved, but Johanna played it safe. For both of them. “Don’t be silly. I’m going out to see a play with Joshua. He’s taken the two of us out often enough, hasn’t he?”

“Yeah.” Jocelyn leaned back on the bed, looking at her with suspicious, accusing eyes. “How come I’m not going this time?”

“Because, kid, it’s a school night,” Mary said, coming into the tiny alcove that Johanna had partitioned off. She looked around critically. “Boy, this certainly can’t support a lot of traffic, can it?” She gestured toward the opening in the curtain. “Let’s go, kid, and leave your mother to her make-up.” With one arm around her niece’s shoulder, Mary turned back and pointed to Johanna’s lids. “A little longer on the lashes, Jo. It’s sexier.”

“I don’t want to be sexy. I just want to see,” Johanna called after her departing figure.

But she did, she realized as she looked back into the vanity mirror. She did want to be sexy, if only to prove to herself that she still could be. Was she vain because she wanted to hear a man’s compliment, see a man turn his head to look at her? No, it was only natural to want to feel like a woman once in a while, she thought, fastening the other small diamond teardrop to her ears. Even Mother Teresa must have had those kind of feelings once, she speculated. And she was a far cry from Mother Teresa.

Tonight, just for tonight, she’d pretend that she wasn’t who she was, pretend that she was just a woman out on a date in the company of a very handsome, attentive man.

So why did you tell Jocelyn it wasn’t a date
? she asked herself, looking into the mirror. The answer was too confusing, so she let it go. With a sigh, she pushed the partition aside and walked out.

Mary surveyed the figure that Johanna cut in her light blue dress. “You’ll knock him dead.”

“I don’t want to knock him dead.” For the third time, Johanna checked the contents of her clutch purse. Nerves again.

Mary grinned, knowing. “Then can I have him?” She watched her sister’s face for the reaction she knew to be hidden within.

Because she knew what Mary was up to, Johanna maintained a very cool demeanor. “I’ll let him know you put in a bid for ownership.” Johanna put her keys into her purse, then snapped it closed. “Get your homework done, Jocelyn and then you can watch television.”

Jocelyn looked at her sullenly from beneath hooded eyes and nodded.

“She’ll be an angel, won’t you kid?” Mary raised one brow in jest. There was enough truth behind the words for both to know that Mary would brook no less than what she asked for.

Jocelyn grinned in response and curled up on the sofa with a book in her hands.

Johanna wished she could manage Jocelyn the way Mary could. Nothing ever seemed to ruffle Mary. Mary wouldn’t have stood for the things Harry had done and he would have either had to straighten up or that would have been the end of it. None of this hanging on, hoping for better times for her sister. She envied her that trait. Still, she had Jocelyn and that meant the world to her, even though they were going through a period of readjustment just now. She knew it was part of being twelve and a female. Johanna only hoped she’d be able to survive it from the opposite end this time.

The doorbell rang just as Johanna picked up her purse. Nerves jangled again and were banished in an instant. This was Joshua, remember? Just Joshua.

With a quick intake of breath, Johanna opened the door.

Just Joshua, huh? So why did he look so damn handsome in his light gray suit? And where had her eyes been all those years ago?

Tonight, she looked different than the other times
, Joshua thought. Her hair, always so beautiful free, was swept up on her head, with tendrils falling at her temples. A goddess done up in a blue ribbon, he thought. But he didn’t want her to be a goddess. Goddesses couldn’t be touched and he wanted to touch her, to caress her and make her his.

Soon, very soon, he promised himself. This time, it would be different.”

“I believe the expression is ‘Wow!’”

The look in his eyes was enough to make her blush.

“If you stand drooling in the doorway, you’re going to miss the curtain,” Mary warned, peering at Joshua from behind Johanna’s shoulder.

“Hi, Mary.” He glanced at her, then looked back at Johanna, wondering how in God’s name he was going to go through the evening without succumbing to instincts that were far older than polite manners. “Hello, Jocelyn,” he said, only because he knew that Jocelyn had to be nearby. He saw no one but Johanna.

“We’ll exchange pleasantries some other time. Now go, you two,” Mary warned. “The theater isn’t around the corner.”

“Mary’s got the bossy streak in our family,” Johanna said. She felt both pleased and unsettled over the same range of anticipations that were thundering through her.

“Nice to know.” Joshua put his arm around Johanna to usher her out. He winked at Mary and Jocelyn over her head as he closed the door behind them.

Without the buffer of her sister and daughter, Johanna felt a wave of apprehension wash over her and told herself she was being silly.

The wave died down, but didn’t ebb away completely.

“So, aren’t you glad you came?” he asked.

She nodded. Yes, she was. The show had been wonderful and she couldn’t remember when she had enjoyed going to the theater so much. Dinner at the small, cozy restaurant Joshua had taken her to was simple, yet delicious and they had talked of old times. How could she have been afraid to come with him? she wondered. What was she afraid of? She laughed at herself.

He waved for a cab and was instantly answered by two that pulled up directly in front of them.

“Your choice,” he said.

She laughed. “The one with the little old driver.”

But as she climbed in, she listened to the address that Joshua gave the driver.

“That’s not home.”

“Who said we’re going home?”

“I just assumed—“ She fumbled. “It’s late.”

He looked down intently at her feet.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking you out for glass slippers.”

She flushed. “I just meant that we both have to go to work tomorrow—“

“I’ll give you a note,” he promised. “I happen to know that your boss is a very understanding guy. And he has a soft spot in his heart for blue-eyed blondes who have the good sense to like his paintings. Besides, I have it on the best authority that he might be just a little late coming in tomorrow himself. He’s out on a date with a bewitching woman even as we speak.”

She settled back with a laugh. “No arguing with you, is there?”

His hand closed over hers. “Glad you’re learning.”

She wondered if he could feel her palm growing damp.

The driver pulled up a few blocks later in front of a hansom cab. “This’ll do fine,” Joshua told him. He handed the man money, then stepped out of the cab. He extended his hand toward Johanna, waiting.

“Joshua, what are you doing?”

“We,” he corrected. “What are we doing.”

She took his hand, curling her fingers around it and holding on as she slipped from the cab. It was chilly tonight. She pulled her oversized shawl closer around her shoulders. “Okay, what are we going?”

“Going for a drive in a hansom cab.” He hurried her along the avenue, guiding her to a cluster of men in top hats seated in open horse-drawn carriages.