Say You Love Me (9 page)

Hearing Judd admit with his dying breath what she had always known but sought to conquer, Violet felt she no longer had any reason to live.

She spoke only once, to ask that Judd be buried in his favorite spot beneath the mimosa tree. After that, she remained silent, not even acknowledging those who came to pay their respects as she sat next to Judd's coffin in the big room of the cabin.

Jacie, seated beside her, accepted the condolences for both of them and worried about her mother.

Violet had not shed another tear since the night Judd died whispering Iris's name. Everyone thought she was in a deep state of grief, when actually she was wallowing in self-pity and rage. All the years of trying to make Judd love her, waiting on him hand and foot, treating him like a king, feeling guilty about deceiving him—her sacrifices had come to naught. He had never loved her. Only Iris.

Now her life was truly meaningless.

When Judd was buried and the last clod of red Georgia clay had been packed down with the back of a shovel, Violet went inside the cabin, to the bed she had shared with him. She lay down... and she did not get up.

A few days after the funeral, Dr. Foley went by to see Violet at Michael's request and reported afterward that there was nothing he could do for her. "She's wasting away. She refuses food and hasn't uttered a sound since the night Judd died. She's obviously made up her mind she wants to die too, and she will eventually get her wish."

When Michael drew Jacie from Violet's bedside to share Dr. Foley's dire prediction, she said drearily, "I know. I beg her to eat but she just lies there, staring out the window at Daddy's grave and acting like she doesn't hear a word I say."

"I should never have agreed to let him be buried there."

"I don't think it would have made any difference. She's going to grieve herself to death because she wants to, and there's nothing we can do."

Michael frowned to note Jacie's appearance. She had not left her mother's side, snatching a few hours of sleep each night in a chair next to the bed. There were deep circles under her eyes, and her face was pale, drawn. The ordeal was taking its toll and he voiced his concern. "Jacie, this has got to stop. I'm not going to let you make yourself sick. I'm going to move you and your mother to my house. The servants can look after her, and you can get some rest."

But she declined Michael's invitation. "I don't think that's a good idea," she told him. "I'll just do what I can for her and pray she comes out of this."

"I don't approve, and if she's not better soon, I'm going to move you both over there regardless. Meanwhile, I'll leave Sudie here. You can send her to get me whenever you need me."

Jacie was in no mood to argue.

"Something else," he said. It was twilight, and he had coaxed her to the front porch. "I know you've got other things on your mind right now, but I've been thinking that we shouldn't wait to get married. Everyone will understand how you need someone to take care of you and your mother, so as soon as she's better, we'll set a date."

"I don't think—"

He pressed a fingertip to her lips. "Jacie, we've waited long enough."

Jacie was suddenly feeling smothered. "I don't know. I can't think about it right now." As good as he was to her, as comforted as she felt when he was near, Jacie just wished he would leave her alone for the time being. "I really should get back inside."

She turned to go, but he pulled her close. "Listen to me. Fate kicked us in the teeth the night your father died. For so many years I had waited for that special moment to ask you to marry me, and I refuse to let anything else stand in our way."

She could see the misery and desperation in his eyes, and he unconsciously dug his fingers into her flesh, he held her so tightly. His face was lined with tension, and she was about to attempt once more to make him understand that she could not now cope with thoughts of marriage, a wedding, but he suddenly could contain himself no longer and brought his lips down on hers in a kiss that was almost bruising in its intensity.

She yielded only for a moment before turning her head away to say, "I really have to get back inside."

Releasing her, he stepped back, rubbing at his temples with his fingers. He turned his back on her to stare at her father's grave beneath the tree, anger helplessly rising as he silently cursed Judd Calhoun for dying when he had. It wasn't fair, damn it...

He admonished himself for being so childish and whirled back around. "I'm sorry," he said wearily. Then, attempting to lighten the mood, "I want to see you wear the necklace again," he said. "I'll never forget how it looked on you."

Jacie thought of it, wrapped in a handkerchief and hidden beneath her mattress. "I will. Now I really do have to get back to my mother." She hated to seem ungrateful or cold, but too much was happening. Her mind was spinning.

He took her hand and pressed it to his lips. "I'll be back in the morning."

She went into the cabin to find Sudie standing in the middle of the room staring at her with frightened eyes. "Your momma's been talkin' funny," she said.

The child was obviously upset, and as much as Jacie longed to rush to her mother, she instead dropped to her knees in front of Sudie to clutch her shoulders and say, "There's no reason for you to be afraid. This means she's getting better."

"No, it don't, 'cause she's been talkin' to your daddy like he's still alive, but he ain't, so that means she's talkin' to his ghost."

"There's no such thing as ghosts." Jacie stared past her into the bedroom. Her mother had likely been talking in her sleep. She gave Sudie a hug. "I'll go see about her now. I won't be long." Then Jacie entered the room quietly and eased into the chair beside the bed. Her mother appeared to be sleeping, but the chair squeaked ever so slightly and Violet's eyes flashed open.

"Jacie," she whispered feebly, raising a wan, beckoning hand.

Jacie leaned to clasp her fingers, alarmed at how cold they were. "Are you feeling better?" she asked anxiously. "Let me get you some soup. You need to eat."

"No. Listen. There's something I have to tell you before I go."

"Don't talk like that. You're going to get your strength back and everything is going to be fine. You'll see." Jacie forced a smile.

Despite her frailty, Violet was able to muster the strength to squeeze Jacie's hand almost hard enough to hurt her. "You have to listen. I don't want to live, child. I want to die, but first I've got to make peace with my Maker. I can't do that till I confess to you what I did. You have to know."

Jacie could only stare at her expectantly, and for some strange reason, fearfully as well.

"Now do what I tell you." Violet raised herself up to point to a dark corner of the room. "Go to my trunk, over there. Take everything out. There's a false bottom. Lift that up. You'll find a blanket there. Bring it to me." She sank back against the pillows.

Jacie did as she was told. The trunk was old. Her mother had had it as long as she could remember, using it to store linens. Jacie removed everything, then felt the bottom and realized it was indeed loose. Lifting it out, she found a soft bundle.

Her mother held out her arms for the bundle she had concealed for so many years. Jacie gave it to her and watched curiously as she ran her fingers along the blanket's hem.

Violet felt the telltale lump. From time to time in the past, as the thread had dry-rotted she had restitched the seam, but now she did not have the strength to break it. "Help me," she said.

Why on earth, Jacie wondered in alarm, was she wanting to rip open the hem of a blanket? Maybe she really was losing her mind. She started to take it from her, "This can wait till tomorrow. I'm going to get you some soup."

Violet held firm to the blanket. "No." Her eyes narrowed with determination. "Break the threads, Jacie. You have to see what's inside."

Jacie was bewildered. Leaning closer, she saw the bulge she had not noticed before.

"I couldn't tell you while Judd was alive." Violet felt herself becoming dizzier by the minute as the shadows were coming closer, reaching out for her. She prayed for enough time to tell her story. Only then could she die in peace, when her soul was at last cleansed of the sin of deceit that had tormented her for eighteen years.

"Judd would have been angry with me for not telling him the truth. He would have left me, and I couldn't let that happen, because I was foolish enough to think I could make him love me. I never stopped trying, and it wasn't till he died that I realized what a fool I'd been. He could never love anybody except her."

"My aunt Iris." Jacie wondered what her father's infatuation with her aunt had to do with the blanket and whatever secret her mother had kept from him.

"Help me rip the seam open, and you will understand."

Jacie decided to humor her. With a quick snap, she broke the threads and was surprised to see a locket and a small leather pouch inside.

"I never touched any of the money," Violet said, indicating the pouch. "I don't even know how much is there. I felt it belonged to you."

Jacie focused on the locket. Opening it, she gasped at her own likeness. "It's a daguerreotype, and it looks like me."

Just then, Sudie started through the door, curious to see if everything was all right. Before anyone noticed her she saw Miss Jacie holding up what looked like a tiny painting of a woman and heard Miss Violet say something that made her freeze in her tracks.

"That is your mother."

Backing away, Sudie went to stand outside the door. She knew it was wrong to eavesdrop but could not resist after what she had just overheard.

Jacie looked from the locket to Violet in astonishment. "No. It can't be."

"It is. She was your mother, not your aunt. And her husband Luke was not your uncle, he was your father."

Jacie shook her head. She could not grasp what was being said. Her mother had to be out of her head, yet, as Jacie continued to regard her own image, something told her Violet spoke the truth.

"You and I were spared when the Indians killed them and your brothers, so I told Judd you were his child. He never suspected anything, because he didn't know our own baby had been born dead a few days earlier."

"Why are you telling me this now? Why did you lie to me, and to Daddy, all these years?"

"Because it was like fate meant for me to, so I wouldn't lose him. Iris had given you to me to nurse that morning, because I still had milk for my own baby, and it was making me sick. I had to get rid of it. So I took you and walked away from the wagons and off into the bushes, and that's where I was when they attacked, and..." Harsh rasping sounds came from deep within her chest, making it difficult for her to talk. When she finally caught her breath, she begged, "You've got to understand that I only did it because I loved Judd so much, and I thought Iris was dead, so what good would it have done anybody for me to tell the truth? If Judd had left me then, how could I have taken care of you?"

Jacie's gaze had been fixed on the picture of her mother. Slowly, something terrible dawned on her. She looked up at Violet. "You said you
thought
she was dead. Didn't you know for sure?"

"I thought I did...then. You see, I fainted, Jacie. It was all too much. The last thing I remember seeing was your father being killed as he tried to protect your mother."

"But you didn't
see
her die?"

"No. And when the soldiers counted bodies after I told them how many people were in the caravan, a woman was missing."

Jacie was having difficulty taking it all in. "So she could actually have been spared."

Violet explained that the soldiers had not thought so then, and sadly, neither had she or Judd. "We figured maybe animals had dragged one of the bodies away, but then something happened about ten years ago that made me wonder."

Jacie tensed. "Go on."

"A man who was once a Texas Ranger with Judd came through on his way east to make a new life. Judd wasn't around, he'd gone off hunting, so the man talked to me. He wanted to tell us about something strange that had happened at a place called Bird's Fort. A white woman had been found living among the Comanche. The army rescued her, but she ran away, back to the Indians."

Jacie's eyes went wide. "What makes you think that could have been my—my
mother?"

"She had lavender eyes like he'd never seen before. The Ranger remembered Judd telling about his sister-in-law's pretty lavender eyes, so he thought Judd should know there was a chance Iris might still be alive, living with the Indians, especially since they were Comanche, the same as attacked the caravan."

"Oh my God," Jacie breathed. "Why didn't you tell him? How could you keep it from him?"

Violet seemed to shrink into the pillows, pressed by the weight of her conscience as she defended herself. "Because there was no real proof, but that wouldn't have made any difference to Judd. He'd have gone to Texas anyway, and whether or not he found her, he would have hated me for deceiving him all those years. I'd never have seen him again. I couldn't risk that, don't you see? As for Iris, if she was that woman, she was obviously happy where she was or she wouldn't have run away to go back there. It was just best to leave it all alone."

"But you had no right to make that decision!"

Violet nodded feebly. "I know, child, I know. I've lived with the misery of knowing that all these years, but I did what I felt was right. Now I see I was wrong, and I had to tell you so you can do what you want about it, and I can die in peace," she finished lamely.

Jacie looked at the daguerreotype again. What should she do? If her mother were still alive, she knew she wanted to find her, but if Michael found out, he would try to convince her it would be futile to look for her now. He would insist it was best to leave the past alone. And of course his mother would have another attack of the vapors to think her son might actually be marrying the daughter of a woman who lived with Indians. None of that mattered to Jacie, not if there was even the remotest chance she could be reunited with her real mother, for now she understood so much and knew, at last, why the people she had thought of as her parents had lived together in such misery.