SCARRED - Part 4 (The SCARRED Series - Book 4) (7 page)

“Yes, we enjoy the quiet out here,” Samantha said. “Trevor and I both grew up in the city, and we spend a lot of time there for work and social functions. It’s always nice to come back to our quiet little safe haven.”

“Did you take dance classes or play any sports when you were younger?” Trevor asked her.

“No, I didn’t really do anything when I was a kid, except go to school.”

Again Trevor looked like he wanted to punch something. Samantha looked sad. She seemed to notice her husband’s building anger.

“Trevor and I were invited to have drinks and appetizers this evening with the mayor and his wife in the city. There’s a really nice new restaurant. It’s a Mediterranean Bistro. We would really like it if the two of you would join us?”

Chloe looked at Derek and he said, “It’s entirely up to you.”

“I only hesitate because I’m not sure what I brought to wear,” Chloe said with a smile. “I was so nervous about all of this that I may have forgotten anything other than my jeans.”

“Well, if you don’t have anything with you, I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to go into the city early and you and I could shop for something nice for you to wear.”

Samantha seemed desperate to connect with Chloe in any way. Chloe wanted to know her better too, but she didn’t want to bond over allowing Samantha to buy her things. The thought of the ride into town unnerved her a little bit too. She was still a little unsure what to say to Samantha. Here, Derek was a buffer so she didn’t have to struggle to hold up the conversation.

“I’ll go look and see what I brought,” she said. “Excuse me?”

“Yes, of course,” Samantha said.

Derek and Trevor both stood up like the gentlemen they were as she rose to her feet and left the room. When she got into the hallway she stopped and pressed her back to the wall and took a deep breath.
One hour at a time, she reminded herself.

Chloe went into her room and closed the door. She pulled the wardrobe carrier that she had brought with her out and laid it on the bed and unzipped it. She had brought a navy blue skirt and blouse and a nice silk pantsuit. She hadn’t worn the pantsuit yet and she’d bought it months ago. She picked it up and held it in front of her.

It was a really pale yellow color and she suddenly remembered why she hadn’t worn it yet. The color of it made her look slightly pale and pasty. She’d bought it during the winter however and now she had a slight tan on her face so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. She lay the suit back down on the bed and pulled off her shirt. Just as she reached for the suit, there was a knock on her door and Samantha poked her head in. The look of horror that was etched into her pretty features told Chloe she’d seen the scars on her back before Chloe turned around.

In a tremulous voice she said, “Omg...I’m so sorry, Chloe. I was just coming to...”

Tears seemed to stream down her face suddenly of their own volition, “I should have knocked...” she sucked in a deep breath and then she lost it, “Oh God! My baby....” Samantha clutched her stomach and sank down to the floor on her knees.

Chloe watched in helpless horror as the festering memories of the dead baby and the new realization that - that baby hadn’t been dead but tortured, ruptured to the surface. Samantha was hurtled head long into a festering old wound and with a deep, uncontrollable sob that sounded almost inhuman. She sat in the doorway on her knees and rocked back and forth, sobbing uncontrollably. The tears coursed down her cheeks unchecked and with the first breath she could manage she moaned out, “Chloe, I’m so sorry. I should have protected you. Oh dear God! I’m so sorry!” 

Chloe saw Derek and Trevor behind Samantha in the doorway. They’d heard her cries. Trevor looked on the verge of his own breakdown as he reached for his wife. He helped her to her feet and she practically collapsed into his arms. He was looking questioningly at Chloe. She looked at Derek and without words he was able to put two and two together since Chloe was still standing in her bra.

Feeling like her lungs were almost too depleted of oxygen to talk herself she forced out, “Can I talk to her, alone?”

Trevor looked from Chloe to Derek and then back down at his wife. Derek put his hand on the older man’s shoulder and in a calm voice he said, “Let’s let them talk.”

Samantha finally pulled her head back slowly and looked up at her husband.

“I’ll be okay,” she said almost in a whisper and touching the side of his face softly with her hand.

Chloe’s heart tugged at the anguish she saw in her father’s eyes. He had his own wounds, but it was obvious that his heart bled for his wife. Trevor helped her over to the bed and she sat down on the edge of it as Chloe pulled her shirt on over her head. She sat down next to her mother and took her hand. Trevor gave Samantha one last worried look and then suddenly he dropped to his knees in front of the bed and took both women into his arms. They held onto each other wishing away the pain that each one of them had to endure over each of their lives before he got up and left them alone.

––––––––

“I
’m sorry that you had to find out this way. I should have told you.”

Chloe felt guilty. If Samantha had known about the scars before she saw them, it wouldn’t have been so traumatic for her.

Samantha took her hand. “Please, don’t ever apologize to me again about any of this. I can’t imagine the horrors that you went through. The very thought of it feels like someone is reaching into my chest and crushing my heart in their bare hands.”

“Then we don’t have to talk about it,” Chloe said.

Samantha nodded and sat up straighter. “I think we do. I think that as horrifying and disgusting and heartbreaking as everything that happened to you must have been...it somehow made you become this strong, beautiful amazing woman that I very much want to know. I want to know everything about you. I have missed you every minute of every day for twenty-four years and I will thank God every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of my life that Derek found you and brought you back to us.”

“I’ve never thought about it that way...that it made me anything positive. All I’ve ever looked at or thought about was the negative...”

“That’s because no one should have to live that way baby girl. No one should have to live with...” Samantha choked up and it took her a few seconds to go on...“With monsters. Of course it made you think negatively about yourself. That’s a normal response. I feel sick and angry at just the thought of someone hurting you. I’ve loved you since the moment that I found out you were in my womb. I love you still today, and I never stopped in between even though I thought you were gone.”

Chloe opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She suddenly couldn’t breathe. The thoughts in her head were accelerating and firing off in ten different directions at once. Her heart was hammering inside of her chest and her whole body had begun to tremble again.

Samantha reached up and gently brushed a lock of hair out of her daughter’s face. Her touch was so gentle and filled with so much warmth. Once again, Chloe imagined what her life would had been like if she had been allowed to grow up here, with Samantha and Trevor. She would have had so many advantages in life and even if she had met Jesse and even if she had become involved in a relationship with him, the first time he hurt her she would have had someone to turn to.

Knowing that made her angry and sad and she alternated between wanting to cry and feeling like someone was sitting on her chest because it was just all too much. She finally stood up and went over to the window. Samantha sat quietly and watched as she threw it open and sucked in the fresh warm air. She made herself breathe in and breathe out slowly until the dizziness went away. She stayed there, facing away from her mother until the wave of nausea had passed.

Then finally, she turned around and looked at Samantha and said, “They adopted me simply so he would have someone to abuse.”

Samantha gasped and her posture was suddenly rigid, but she didn’t interrupt. She waited until Chloe went on.

“They had a daughter and my assumption can only be that Marg knew how twisted he was and she was doing what she thought she had to do in order to protect her own biological child. As long as I was available, he didn’t hurt them.”

Chloe could see Samantha visibly shaking and she felt horrible for putting her through this...but her mother was right about one thing, everything that had happened to her had led her to become the person she was today. She had never been proud of who that person was until recently and maybe some of what Samantha said was true, the abuse had not broken or damaged her spirit, but shaped and strengthened it instead.

She began her story then, telling Samantha everything. She didn’t give the gory details. Samantha didn’t need to hear them and Chloe didn’t want to say them out loud. But, by the time she finished, Samantha knew the bulk of the horrors that Chloe had survived. That is how she chose to look at it now. It was not what she had “endured” or “been a victim of”. It was what and how she had survived.

Samantha took several deep breaths before she allowed herself to speak. Then in a voice that still held traces of a tremor she said, “I want to hate them. I feel disgust and repulsion and more anger in my heart than I’ve ever felt. Then I look at you. I look at your lovely face and I remember that you’re mine. I’ve spent my life living by the philosophy that hate only colors the soul of the one who holds onto it. It can spread through your veins like venom and shut down all other feelings. It can cause your body to produce nothing but negative emotions. It pushes and pulls until there’s no room left in your heart or soul for love. I have spent twenty-four years fearing the love I felt for you because it also brought me pain. I’m free to feel it now, completely and I don’t want to color that or share it by holding onto that hate, but it’s going to be hard...and it’s going to take a lot of time. I’m so sorry for what they did to you. I’m sorry there are monsters in this world that are capable of dressing in human skin. I can promise you this, Chloe...you will never be alone again, and if anyone ever hurts you, they will have to answer to your father and I...and I strongly suspect, Derek.”

Derek was something else that Chloe felt strongly she needed to discuss with Samantha. It was also another subject that she didn’t really want to broach, but since they were on it already, now would be the time. She sat back down on the bed and said, “Is it weird for Derek and me to be together...for you and for Trevor?”

“Trevor and I love Derek like we would a son. We fell in love with him before Sarah did, I think.” She laughed and then said, “He’s a good man. He’s one of those men that were just born good and no amount of living in this jaded world can change him. When Sarah died, he was as broken as Trevor and I were. On top of that, he was blaming himself. I was worried for a while that he wouldn’t recover, but he’s strong and he did. But, in spite of getting on with his life, the first time he brought you here, was the first time since she died that I have seen him happy. I want him to be happy and I want you to be happy and if the two of you do that for each other than no, I don’t think it’s “weird” at all. I think we are doubly blessed.”

“Can I ask you another question, just between us?”

Samantha smiled softly and said, “You can ask me a million questions and unless you state otherwise, it will always be just between us.”

Chloe took a deep breath and said, “Should I worry that he’s with me? Should I wonder if it’s only because I’m Sarah’s twin? I don’t feel that way, but sometimes I wonder if people who knew her will look at us and think that.”

“I think that most of us have a specific type when it comes to physical attraction...would you agree?”

“Yes.”

“So, I think it’s probably safe to say that he was attracted to you at first for the same reasons he was attracted to Sarah. But Chloe, you are so different from your sister. We all see that and we all love you for your uniqueness, just as we did Sarah for hers. I think it is very safe to say that he knows the difference between you and your sister.”

Chloe breathed in and out again. She could feel her pulse and her breathing finally returning to normal. It had already been an exhausting day. “I wish that I could have met her,” she said.

“Me too.” Samantha had tears in her eyes again. “She was an incredible person and such a good daughter. She was always easy...even when she was a baby. I used to tell her that she saved our lives; your father’s and mine. Taking care of her those first few months was all that got us through the pain of losing you. The routine of diapers and feedings and baths...it taught us how to go through the motions until our hearts began to beat again. But, I meant what I said Chloe. You and Sarah are completely different people and I can guarantee you that none of us are going to confuse the two...nor would we want to.”

“One last question?” Chloe looked at Samantha with apprehension.

“Anything.”

“What did you name me?”

Samantha’s eyes began to brim with tears as she whispered the word. “Sophia.”

Chloe felt new tears spill onto her cheeks and surprised herself then by initiating a hug. The women held onto each other for a long time and by the time they walked out of that room, they had already forged a strong bond. They’d managed to repair the damage that was done to the one they should have had all along...through no fault of either of them. 

Chloe thought her emotional day was winding down, but she was wrong. The women finally returned out to the front room where Derek and Trevor were at and Samantha said, “I’m not feeling up to going out this evening. Is anyone else?”

They all agreed with her. It had been an excruciatingly long day and they were all spent from it, even Derek.

“Good then, I have some spaghetti sauce, I’ll just defrost it and make some pasta and a salad and we’ll be set for dinner.”

“Would you like some help?” Chloe asked her.

Before Samantha answered her Trevor said, “Chloe, I know that you’ve been through way too much for one day but there’s something I’d like to give you. You can look at it on your own time; it’s for you to keep.”