Scary Dead Things - 02 (29 page)

* * *

I unlocked the front door, and we went in. I led the way up, Gan took middle, and Sally brought up the rear. We reached my door, and I let us in. I was a little surprised to see that the lights were all still on, considering the late hour. However, it wasn't unheard of. I soon saw why. Tom and Ed were still up. They were both seated on the couch, facing the...still broken TV?

“Hey, guys!” I said. “Hope you don't mind, but we have guests.” I waited for a moment, expecting a tirade from Ed, since I imagined he was still pretty pissed about the whole Gan thing, but neither of them said a word. I continued, “Sorry for the late notice, but there's some shit going down. Sally and Gan need to stay here for maybe a few days. Oh yeah, Tom, this is Gan.”

There was still no acknowledgment from either of them. They both still sat in the same place, quiet and unmoving. Odd. Even with Tom not knowing Gan and Ed not liking her, I would have expected them to have bolted around fast enough to cause whiplash at the first mention of Sally. When this continued for a few more seconds, I began to get an idea of what was going on.

“Are you sure they are still living?” asked Gan with casual indifference. Living or dead, humans were pretty much the same thing to her.

Sally gave a puzzled look. “Yoo-hoo, guys! I'm here...so are my breasts if you want to stare at them,” she said in their direction, and then turned towards me. “I agree with Gan. You might want to check them for a pulse.”

I shook my head and smiled. “I've seen this before.”

“You have?” asked Sally, her tone dubious.

“Yeah. A couple of years ago, our old TV went out. Cash was kind of tight back then. So, until we could replace it, we used to get completely shitfaced stoned in the evenings, then sit there and watch the TV
in our minds
.” Ah yes, the good old days.

“That is probably the most
pathetic
thing I have ever heard in my life,” replied Sally.

“I do not fully understand what you are saying,” Gan likewise commented, “and even I find myself agreeing with the whore.”

“Will you
stop
calling me that!?” Sally snapped.

“Perhaps when you stop acting like one,” Gan responded. “Besides, that is unimportant right now. What matters is that Dr. Death is
wrong
about his friends.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

Gan gave me a look as if to say one of us here was a stupid child and it wasn't her. “Your friends are obviously bewitched.”

“Bewitched?”

“Yes...magic,” Gan continued. “Can neither of you smell it? It is as plain as the...”

Unfortunately, if Gan was able to finish her sentence, I never knew. As she spoke, a bright white light flashed in the room. Before I could even begin to wonder what happened, it had engulfed me. As it did, all of my rational thoughts immediately scattered to the wind.

I was back in the tent with my three clothing-impaired female companions. We were picking up, with great enthusiasm, where we had left off. Why I had ever left this place was beyond me. Actually, maybe I hadn't left after all. I mean, here I was. Maybe I had just dozed off and dreamt all of that crap. Yeah, that made sense. Now it was time to show these babes the true meaning of vigorous.

We were all rolling around, having a good time, when I finally wound up on my back. I turned my head to the side and saw Ed lying there just a few feet from me. He had his own female companionship busy nuzzling his neck while grinding away on top of him.

“S'up, bro?” I called to him.

“S'up, Bill!” he called back, a big grin on his face.

“What? No ‘hi’ for me?” the girl on top of him said, turning around to face me.

“Hey, Sally! What are you doing here?” I cheerfully inquired.

“Oh, just fucking your roommate like a good little whore.”

“Good for you!” I answered back.

“When your other buddy gets here, do you want me to take care of him, too?” she purred, running her nails down Ed's chest.

“Entirely up to you, babe. Personally, I say you snooze you lose,” I commented.

“Whatever you say, Bill. You're the boss.”

Yes, I am
, I thought, getting back into my own groove.

“Bill! What are you doing?” asked a voice from my other side. I turned my head and met Gan's eyes.

“I'm kind of busy, Gan. Can you come back later?”

“No, I cannot,” she said with a pouty tone. “Our wedding is now. You will be late!”

“Don't worry,” I assured her. “I'll be finished here soon enough, thanks to my lack of stamina.”

“Bill...” she called again.

“Bill!”

“BILL!!”

* * *

“
BILL
, WAKE UP!!
”

Let it be known that a vampiric compulsion makes one hell of an alarm clock. I snapped out of the dream with a jolt. A part of me was sad to see it go, but the rational part of me that neither wants to see my roommate naked nor wishes for Gan to watch me having sex was fairly relieved to see it go back to the realm of my fucked up subconscious.

I lifted my hands to rub my eyes...correction,
tried
to lift my hands. They didn't seem to be making much headway. For a moment, I had an intense feeling of panic that maybe my hands didn't move because I didn't have hands, or for that matter, a body anymore. Living forever as the equivalent of a talking bowling ball did not particularly appeal to me; however, it quickly passed as I looked down and saw I was still properly attached to my favorite parts. I just couldn't move any of them.

I was sitting upright in a chair. That much was obvious. However, I didn't seem to be restrained by anything. I tried again to move...nothing. OK, time to force the issue and put a little of that vaunted vampire strength to use. I struggled again, and this time...OUCH!! Suddenly, it felt like both my arms were on fire. I glanced down and saw they were actually smoking. What the fuck!?

“I was just about to warn you not to try that,” said Sally.

I turned towards her voice and saw that she was seated about two feet to my left. She must have been the one who compelled me to wake as I saw that Gan, a little further down and seated in her own chair, was apparently still out cold. Sally likewise appeared to be unbound in any way. Yet, like me, she was unmoving.

“Are you OK?” I croaked at her.

“I'd say we're a bit closer to fucked than we are to OK,” said a voice to my right. I turned my head to see my roommates, Ed and Tom. They were seated like me with the exception that they were actually tied up with rope. Tom was the one who had spoken. Ed's eyes were open, but he looked like he was still out of it.

I craned my head to look around. We were definitely not in our apartment. But where? It seemed kind of familiar. Duh! It seemed familiar because it
was
familiar, as in I had been here just a few short hours ago.

“Are we at the loft?” I asked Sally.

“Looks like it,” she answered.

“I guess the question is, why?”

“Christy,” said Tom.

“What?”

“Christy...you know, my girlfriend? The one I
tried
to tell you about earlier when you just blew me off.”

“What about her?” I asked. “You said she was a bitch or something.”

“I said she was a
witch
!”

“Aren't all women?” slurred Ed.

I ignored that and asked, “So why do you think she's a witch?”

“Well, for starters she told me,” Tom said. “Secondly...” he looked around at us all, “Duh!”

“OK, point taken,” I conceded. “Sally, what do you know about witches?”

“They like ruby slippers?”

“Not particularly helpful, Sally.”

“Sorry. What do you want me to say? I've never met one aside from a few of those Wiccan hippies. All I know are stories.”

“Well, since we all seem to be gathered ‘round the campfire, why don't you tell us one?”

“I don't know much,” she replied. “Supposedly we've tangled with them in the past. But we're talking
King Arthur and Knights of the Round Table
timeframes here.”

“I guess the question then is, why is one tangling with us now? How would she even know we're vampires?”

At that, Tom made a slight coughing noise.

“What the hell did you do, dipshit?” Sally hissed at him.

“I might have kind of told her Bill was a vampire,” he replied sheepishly.

“Kind of?”

“Well, she seemed to already suspect it...no idea how, but I guess she needed me to confirm it.”

I gritted my teeth. “And you did?”

“Dude, sorry. I didn't think anything of it, and she can do these things with her mouth that would just cause you to lose your fucking mind!”

“It's so nice to know that the
secret
of vampires existing is up for grabs to the first bimbo who gives you a blowjob!” snarled Sally.

“If it helps, it was a really good blowjob.”

“It doesn't!” she replied in a tone that said she'd gladly break my ‘no killing the roommates’ rule had she been able to. Right at that moment, I might have even been tempted to let her. Still, that wouldn’t exactly get us out of this mess.

“OK, enough! What's done is done,” I Interrupted. “Tom, I accepted the fact that you're a fucking dumbass years ago. I guess I can't fault you for being you.”

“I can!” said Sally.

“Save it for later,” I said.

“You know,” Tom said, trying to change the subject. “It's kind of weird?”

“What is? I can think of about fifty weird things right now off the top of my head.”

“Well, think about it,” he continued. “Six months ago, if someone had told us they'd seen a ghost, we'd have laughed our asses off at him. But today...well, have you noticed how lately we can't take a crap without running into some creature straight out of a fairy tale?”