Sea Air (31 page)

“Come on now, Nele. Don’t take this so seriously. You know what everybody’s telling us: Mathis just does this every once in a while. He’ll resurface soon enough, and then life will go back to normal.”

“Whose life do you mean, yours or mine?” I asked. “I guess you think he needs to beg my forgiveness and I need to welcome him with open arms. Is that it? Do you really think it’s that easy, Marco?”

“Of course it’s not that easy, I know that. But do you really want to put your whole relationship at risk, just because Mathis took a little time away?”

“Excuse me?” I shot out of my chair. “What do you mean
I’m
putting the relationship at risk? And what do you mean, a little time away?” I was yelling now. “So, Mr. Bigshot leaves us all in the lurch, and your response is to protect him and to defend his inexcusable behavior? I guess guys just stick together no matter what, is that it, Marco? You know what? You can kiss my ass!” I grabbed my stuff, stormed out of his office, and then kept right on going out of the building.

I wandered around aimlessly, paying no attention to the time and with no plan for where I was going—and ended up stumbling straight into Steffen’s arms. He appeared from around a corner so suddenly that at first I just stood there, speechless. Initially startled, Steffen quickly got himself under control and took command of the situation.

“Hello, Nele,” he said in a strong, confident voice. “I didn’t expect to find you back in my arms so soon.”

“Very funny.” I forced myself to speak just as confidently, even though everything within me was crying out for me to run away.

“You look a bit ragged around the edges. Is something wrong?” Steffen sounded genuinely worried.

“No, no,” I hastened to answer. “I’m good.” I could tell from his expression that he wasn’t falling for it. “Not everyone can look fresh and sharp all the time, like you.” I looked at his suntanned face. He looked fantastic, as always.

“I have an hour before my next patient, and I wanted to walk for a little bit. I’d love it if you’d join me.”

“I don’t know . . .” I tried to think of an excuse, but Steffen offered me an easy way out.

“Of course, if you’re already meeting someone, I wouldn’t want to stand in the way,” he said.

I was silent for a moment. I knew I could say,
Sorry, Mathis is waiting for me,
but suddenly I didn’t wanted to pretend anymore. Anyway, I was a lousy actress and Steffen would have figured out the truth.

“So, let’s go,” he said, linking his arm with mine. I wished I could put my head on his shoulder and tell him all my troubles, but of course I didn’t.

“Good afternoon, Doctor!” an elderly man called out, tipping his hat to us as he passed. “You’ve got the right idea, taking the little lady out for a walk in this beautiful weather. Too often, we men forget to take time off and give our wives the attention they deserve. Have a nice day!”

“There’s a guy who knows what’s important,” I heard Steffen say to himself. His brow was furrowed and I realized he was still suffering, even though outwardly he didn’t show his pain. “So, Nele, are you happy now? Did you have a good vacation?”

“Well, the vacation was nice, yes.”

“But?” Steffen stopped walking and gave me a searching look.

“No buts.”

“After all the years we’ve known each other, I can’t believe how greatly I misjudged you.” Steffen shook his head.

“What do you mean?” I sensed danger in his words.

“What you’re willing to put up with seems bordering on masochism at this point,” Steffen said. “I ran across Christoph this morning. He told me about losing his job, and he also talked about your Mathis, who I hear can’t be reached by anyone. Of course, you don’t mind, because at last you’ve found someone who shares your love of freedom. Is that right?”

“You sound so cynical,” I said, but his words stunned me.

“Honestly, Nele, I don’t know what you’re thinking. How many times does this guy have to make a fool of you before you get that it’s hopeless?”

“I don’t feel like he’s making a fool of me,” I said, but the words sounded unconvincing even to me.

“You just don’t want to believe that’s what’s happening,” Steffen said. “You’re so set on proving you’re right about this; you can’t see all the ways Mathis is proving you wrong. It makes no sense.”

“And what do you want me to do instead, become a doctor’s wife and wander around the countryside with you, smiling at all the men who tip their hats at us?”

“You could do that if I wanted to put you in a gilded cage, Nele.” Steffen sounded sincerely disgusted.

“That’s not what you want to do?”

“No, it’s not. But you see everything as a choice between two extremes: a life of full freedom or the gilded cage, or like—”

“Fight or flight,” I said.

“If you like. The world isn’t black and white, Nele. There are always gray areas.”

“Gosh, I’ve never heard that before.”

“I stopped in at a travel agency this morning,” said Steffen, ignoring the dig.

“So?”

“I’d love to do some traveling with you and Paula during fall break.”

“Since when have you been interested in taking a trip? You love spending your vacations on your balcony. And why would you think that Paula and I would go on vacation with you?”

“Maybe because, unlike you, I still know that we belong together. Of course . . .” He paused dramatically and grinned. “I was thinking we could go to Canada. I seem to remember that you’ve always wanted to go there, right?”

That sneaky bastard! Canada was, indeed, a place I’d always dreamed of going. Immediately a picture formed in my mind: against an unspoiled landscape, we snuggled up together by a campfire, grilling freshly caught fish, a brook babbling in the background. It was the perfect romantic getaway. Only one thing was wrong: in my fantasy, I was snuggled up not in Steffen’s arms, but in Mathis’s. I felt dizzy and grabbed on to a lamppost for support.

“Wow, who would have thought that it would be so easy to bowl you over?” Steffen quickly put his arm around me.

“Thanks, Steffen, I’m okay.”

“You should come to my office and let me check your blood pressure.”

“There’s no need, really. It’s never happened before.”

“Whatever you say. So, what will it be? Are you going to Canada with me?”

“Is this a ‘now or never’ kind of decision?”

“No, no—think about it all you want, Nele. I’m just glad you haven’t turned me down already.” Steffen looked very sad for a moment, and then before I realized what was happening, he reached out and took me in his arms. His kiss was tender at first, then more demanding. With my last bit of resolve, I managed to pull myself from his embrace.

“I need to think about it, Steffen. Give me some time.” I felt more than a little confused.

“Of course, dear Nele. Just remember, if we’re going in the fall, we’ll need to book the tickets soon.” Steffen kissed my cheek and then walked into the crowd. I stared after him long after he’d disappeared. The sound of a car horn jolted me out of my trance, and I walked to a nearby café.

I
t was at the café that I got my next shock. I’d just made myself comfortable at a bistro table and was idly gazing around the room when I noticed a woman sitting alone at a table, reading a newspaper. I knew that I’d seen her face before, but at first I couldn’t remember where. Then it hit me, and I felt the blood rushing from my face. It was Helga.
My God!
I thought.
Was I to be spared nothing today?
I stared at her for several minutes, not knowing how to react. Was this coincidence or destiny? I finally settled on destiny, and decided I couldn’t let this opportunity be wasted. Before I could talk myself out of it, I stood up and walked over to her.

“Excuse me?”

Helga looked up at me. “Yes?”

“I feel a bit awkward just walking up to you like this, but . . . uh . . .”

Helga frowned and looked me over. “Do you need money?” she asked.

Oh God! Did I really look that bad?

“Oh, no! No, not at all.” I gave her an embarrassed grin. “It’s just, are you Helga, uh . . . ? I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know your last name, but you’re Mathis Hagena’s ex-wife, right?”

Helga looked at me as if I were an alien. “Could be,” she said. “And you are . . . ?”

“Nele Martens.” To my great relief, my voice was starting to sound calmer. I stretched my hand out to her. Helga thought for a moment, then her face brightened and she took my hand and squeezed it.

“Oh, of course. Glad to meet you.” She laughed, and it was as if her face was glowing. I remembered how Mathis had described meeting Helga for the first time: “She could have been mistaken for an angel.” He was right—even forty years later; her smile seemed to have a supernatural quality about it.

“I tried to reach Mathis, but he’s not answering the phone. Is he out of town again?” Helga asked so directly, I winced a bit. So, she didn’t know where he was, either.

“I . . . I don’t know.” I felt my face turn scarlet.

“Oh!” Helga gave me a knowing look. “So he’s living out his dream of being free again.”

I nodded. “It looks that way.”

“Sit down, please,” she urged, and I pulled up a chair from the next table.

“Thank you.” I signaled for the waiter to bring me a cup of coffee.

“Mathis has told me so much about you,” Helga said.

“He has?” My voice sounded dull to my ears.

“Yes. You were planning a joint project, if I’m not mistaken.”

“We were, but the city blocked the project.”

“I imagine Mathis is feeling rather fed up about it all. How long has he been on the road again?”

On the road again.
She didn’t say “disappear” or “run away.” She said “on the road.” As if Mathis were simply away on business.

“Four days. He left very suddenly and nobody knows where he is. I’ve already spoken to Lars.”

“Well, was our son surprised?”

“Not at all. He seemed to find it quite normal that Mathis would just take off.”

“It’s quite normal for Mathis. He’ll come back soon.”

“That’s what everybody tells me.”

“I’m sorry. I wish there was something else I could say.” Helga scrutinized me carefully. “Mathis is a globe trotter. If you want to have a relationship with him, you’ll need to learn to cope—he won’t change. At one point, I had to learn to cope, too. Though, honestly, I never really had trouble with it.” She stared into her coffee cup for a few seconds, lost in thought, and then said, “That was a different time—a turbulent time. We were dealing with very different things back then. It wasn’t that big a deal when he disappeared now and then.”

“But, like you said, you could handle his disappearances.”

“And you can’t?”

“I don’t know whether I can. But,” I said with a certainty I hadn’t realized I felt, “I know I don’t want to anymore.”

Helga looked at me for several seconds. “You’d have every right to make that choice,” she said.

“Yes.” I gave Helga a crooked smile. “But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.”

“You’re still young,” she said. “No one says you have to commit yourself to a restless spirit like Mathis. But,” she said more quietly, “Mathis would be quite hurt if you left. He loves you very much.”

Her words were like a knife to my heart. Mathis had told Helga he loved me—or had I just imagined it?

“Did he really say that?”

“More than once. He seems very sure about his feelings.”

“But?”

Helga laughed, and this made the room seem to grow brighter. “There are quite a few buts to consider, don’t you think?”

“That just proves how confusing the situation is.”

“It’s what you’re making of it that’s confusing. Just accept that Mathis is who he is and everything will become very clear to you.”

“I wish it was that easy.”

“Nothing’s easy in this world. But people can make things even harder than they have to be.”

“You can say that, since you don’t have to put up with it anymore,” I grumbled.

“That’s right. But I assure you, I have my own problems.” Her tone sounded significantly cooler.

“Of course. I’m sorry, that’s not how I meant it.”

“It’s okay.” Helga glanced at the clock. “Unfortunately, I have to go now. I’m glad I got the chance to meet you and to get to know you a little.” As she started to get up, her cell phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket.

“Well, what do you know?” she said, looking at the display. She gave me a meaningful look. When I heard what she said next, my heart sank.

“Hello, Mathis. Where are you?”

Helga laughed at whatever he said next, then said, “Yes, I understand . . . see you later.” She hung up and grinned at me.

“He’s in Riga. He’s coming back tomorrow.”

That night I had a long talk with Sandra, and after a lot of red wine and even more tears, it was clear to me that I needed to leave Mathis. I was no longer willing to put up with the uncertainty. Our relationship was complicated enough without his absences. If I was going to be with a man, I wanted him to be there for me. Because Mathis already had a family, his ability to do this had been limited from the beginning. But then for him to disappear without warning . . . No, this wasn’t working anymore, and it was way too much to ask me to put up with all this.

Sandra recommended that I accept Steffen’s offer to fly to Canada with him. “This is the quickest way to forget. After that romantic trip, you’ll barely remember that Mathis Hagena was ever in your life,” she promised. I knew she was probably right. I could always rely on Steffen—he was even willing to plan a vacation just to try to win me back. Going back to him was clearly the best choice, and I needed to free myself from my delusional insistence on freedom.

Sandra offered to pick up Paula the next day. We both had a feeling that Mathis would turn up, and that’s exactly what happened.

When my doorbell rang, I knew immediately that it was him. I got up from my desk and took a few deep breaths.
Don’t back down, Nele!
I told myself, then I flung open the door. Startled, Mathis stepped back in the face of this feisty reception, but he quickly gathered his composure.

“Hello, Nele,” he said. “You’ve got a lot of energy today.”

“What are you doing here?” My words were as cool as ice.

“I owe you an explanation.”

“I’ve had enough of your explanations.”

Mathis didn’t look at all intimidated by the rebuff. “Can I come in?”

Close the door and never open it for him again!
I told myself. But I knew I couldn’t end things like that. If I did, I’d always regret it. It was true: He owed me an explanation. If I sent him away, I’d be making things too easy for him. He needed to wrestle with his conscience and explain why he’d left me hanging again. Only after he’d done these things could I experience any sense of peace.

I held the door open and gestured for him to come in.

“Thank you,” he said in a quiet voice and headed toward the living room.

“Coffee?”

“No, thanks. But if you have a glass of water . . .”

I walked into the kitchen and filled two glasses with mineral water as tears came to my eyes. I drank one of the glasses down in one gulp.
Show no weakness now!
I told myself. I understood the situation perfectly. Mathis and I had reached the end. The future belonged to Steffen. It was out of the question for me to show my feelings at this point. I poured more water, took a deep breath, and walked back into the living room.

“I’m sorry, Nele, that I’ve let you down again,” Mathis began. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but—”

“All you needed to do was call.”

“You’re right.”

“Just a phone call, Mathis! One ‘Hi, Nele, I’m in Riga, I’ll call you later’ would have been enough. But no, you couldn’t even do that.” My voice began to tremble as I fought back my tears. I picked up my glass to calm myself with another drink, but I could tell by Mathis’s face that he could already see how close I was to losing control of my emotions.

“I’m really sorry I let you down, Nele. I don’t even understand how I could do the same thing . . .” He stopped and considered his words. “Actually, I do know what’s gotten into me. But I also understand why you don’t accept my apology. Please believe me, though: I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt anybody.”

Mathis ran his hands through his hair, then over his face. For a moment, I felt pity for him. But whatever desperation he felt now was nothing compared with the desperation I had felt at being abandoned by him. I thought bitterly about the days and nights I’d spent shedding tears and examining my soul, and the compassion that had briefly arisen in me fell away.

“You know, Nele,” Mathis said as I remained silent, “I’m not really used to having someone around who’s concerned about me. No one’s ever really been that interested in where I go or what I do. This is new for me.”

“That’s no excuse,” I said.

“No. Of course not.”

We sat in silence for several minutes, each of us deep in thought. I wished that my rage of the past few days would flare up so I could discharge some of that anger and frustration at Mathis, but all I felt was tired and drained.

“Was there at least a good reason for your sudden disappearance?” I said, breaking the silence.

Mathis looked at me as if he didn’t understand my question. His mind appeared to be somewhere else.

“A reason, Mathis! There must have been some reason you disappeared,” I demanded.

“A reason?” he said finally. “Yes, of course there was a reason.”

“So are you going to tell me what it is, or is it some deep, dark secret?”

“Please don’t be like that, Nele. I thought the reason for my absence was clear. Don’t you remember how messed up things were the day before I left? I needed time for me.”

“I needed time for me,” I repeated. “What a great reason. In fact, I think we all should be able to just drop everything and disappear when things get rough—every man for himself.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Do you think I’m an idiot, Mathis? You did what you did because it was the easy way out. But it was irresponsible. You weren’t the only one feeling upset about what happened. It was upsetting to all of us, and you left the rest of us hanging. When the project fell apart, we all went down together. And you know what? The rest of us thought that somehow, we’d pull ourselves up out of it together. But no—you’d rather run off and wallow in self-pity. ‘I needed time for me.’ Seriously, Mathis, if everyone ran off every time things got a little rough, then—”

“It was more than just a little rough for me, Nele.” Mathis spoke so loudly I winced. “A whole lot more.” He took a breath and lowered his voice, sounding more thoughtful. “I thought that you, at least, would understand my motives—at least a little bit. In you, I felt I’d found a soul mate for the first time in my life. But, I see now—”

“Don’t put this on me, Mathis!” I said. For one horrible moment, I started to wonder if there was some truth in what he was saying, but then I pushed those thoughts away.

“On you? No, this is all on me, I know that. But, Nele. I want to tell you why I left. That’s the reason I came here.” When I didn’t say anything, a look of desperation came into his bright-blue eyes. “Please, Nele, give me a chance to explain.”

Shit!
I thought as I looked at him. I couldn’t resist those eyes.

“Fine. But don’t you think for one second that you’re going to win me over with your sob story.” My words were filled with anger, but I felt fear rising up inside me. I was afraid that after hearing whatever he had to confess, I’d get pulled back in by those damn blue eyes.

Mathis walked over and stood by the window. As the rays of autumn sun fell onto his face, he closed his eyes and stood for several minutes with his hands buried deep in his pockets. For the first time, I noticed just how pale he’d become. His forehead was deeply wrinkled and he suddenly seemed years older. It took all my resolve not to take his face in my hands and try to coax a smile into his eyes by covering his face with soft kisses.
He hurt you, Nele
, the voice of reason reminded me.
Don’t let the sight of him weaken you. It’s time for this to finally be over.

I looked up—Mathis hadn’t moved an inch. He clutched the windowsill as if holding on to it for dear life. “I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get thrown off course. I thought I could keep steady by pouring myself into my work.” Mathis began to pace. He didn’t look at me—in fact, he was so lost in his story, he didn’t seem to take notice of anything at all.

“When Küsterer’s consultant told me that our project wouldn’t be implemented, I was shocked at first—then angry. I tried not to take it too seriously, and I succeeded—up to the point when I sat with you in the park. Later, I woke up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat, it was so bad. I felt a deep despair I hadn’t felt in almost thirty years. All night, I thought about my life—about everything I’d done and built and, most importantly, how I felt about it all. And I realized something.” Mathis hesitated. “Yes,” he said, his voice growing stronger. “I realized that I’d been fooling myself all those years. Even worse, I had denied myself.”