Seasons Under Heaven (19 page)

The next morning, Rick and Annie and Mark were a little less combative about getting ready to go to church. Cathy made sure they got to their classes without making detours, then headed for her own class. They had deliberately gotten there early so they wouldn’t have to walk in late. She thought it would be easier on them if they were among the first ones there instead of the last.

The 8:20 singles class was just filing out, so rather than try to fight her way through the crowd, she stopped by the visitor’s desk and got a name tag, then waited until the way was clear for her to get into the room for the 9:40 class.

“Cathy?”

She swung around and saw a smiling, surprised Steve Bennett, dressed in a suit and looking like a Wall Street banker.

“Steve? Do you go to church here?”

“Yeah, for the last six months. But I didn’t know you did. I thought you said you were surprised the church had let you use the lawn yesterday since you weren’t a member here.”

She laughed. “I’m
not
a member. I’ve just been visiting for a few weeks.”

“Really?” he asked. “I’ve never seen you here.”

“Apparently we go to different Sunday schools and different services.”

“Well, how about that?”

She felt awkward now. She hoped he didn’t think this was all a clever ploy to get to see him again.

“Where are the kids?” he asked.

“They went to their classes.”

“Well, good.” He looked at her again, that expression of struggle on his face, just like yesterday. “Listen…I know you don’t know me very well, but…how would you feel about me taking us all out to lunch today?”

“All of us? That’s six people.”

“I’m aware of that,” he said. “Hey, I have a decent job.”

She laughed. “I’m sure you do. It’s just that I hate to impose like that.”

“Well, if I recall, I just volunteered it.”

She grinned. “We could go dutch.”

“We could, but then I might be insulted, and my pride might be crushed, and—”

“Okay!” she said. “Whatever you say. We’ll order the most expensive things on the menu.”

“Fine with me.” His smile began to fade, and his eyes grew more serious. “I hope you don’t think I’m trying to hit on you the first time I see you in church.”

“No, I didn’t think that’s what you were doing.”

“Well, there are some around here who are like that.”

“Yeah, I know. We’ve been introduced.”

“I bet you have. Somebody like you? You probably get hit on all the time.”

She couldn’t believe she was blushing. “Actually, that’s not true.”

“Well, do you have a better offer, or what?”

“Not at all.”

“Okay, then, I’ll tell you what. I’ll meet you by the elevators after the eleven o’clock service.”

“Sounds great,” she said.

She sat through Sunday school feeling elated that she’d run into him again and amazed that he actually went to this church. She had vowed to give up on coming with the hope of meeting a man, and now, completely unexpectedly, she’d met one. She just hoped he didn’t turn out to be a frog the moment she kissed him.

After Sunday school, her kids told her one by one that they’d found friends from school with whom they intended to sit in church. It was a pleasant surprise. She found Sylvia and Harry and slipped into the pew next to them. Before the service started, Steve came to the end of her pew. “Room for two more?” he asked.

“Sure! I thought you went to the early service.”

“We did,” he said with a wink. “It was so good we decided to sit through it twice.”

She didn’t know when she had been more flattered. “Hi, Tracy. How’s it goin’?” Cathy asked.

“Pretty good,” the little girl said with that shy grin. “How are you?”

“Great.” Cathy was impressed with the child’s politeness. It spoke well of Steve’s parenting skills. She only hoped her own children’s manners didn’t run him off.

He sat down and she introduced him once again to Sylvia and Harry. They had met the day before, but she wasn’t sure they’d remember. As the service began, Cathy found she enjoyed listening to the sound of his voice as he sang the praise songs. It was as if he believed the words he sang, as though standing up and lifting his voice to God was a joy and not a chore.

Steve followed the pastor’s sermon with his Bible open and a pen poised to take notes. There was something about that unpretentious, unself-conscious attitude that appealed to her. She saw Bill, the guy with the Porsche, sitting several rows away next to a size-ten blonde in a size-six dress. She kept looking into her compact mirror, and every now and then,
when the mirror was turned just right, Bill stole a glimpse at himself.

Steve, in his unself-conscious plainness, was much more attractive to Cathy than the church Casanova.

As the service wound to a close, she silently prayed that having lunch with her kids would not chase him away.

Across town, as Joseph watched the video his dad had made of the animal fair, Dr. Robinson stopped by to examine him. Brenda and David watched quietly as the doctor studied his chart intensely and asked Joseph questions. The boy answered in weak monosyllables.

Finally, the doctor patted Joseph’s hand and asked Brenda and David to step out into the hall.

“What is it, Doctor?” David asked when they were out of the room.

Dr. Robinson looked at the floor as if carefully considering his words. “I’m sure it’s no surprise to you that Joseph’s getting worse, despite our best efforts,” he said. “His need for a heart is getting pretty urgent.” His voice faltered again, and Brenda realized that this was taking its toll on him, as well. She wondered if treating a dying child was ever routine for him.

“Is he gonna make it?” Brenda asked him on a whisper.

It took a moment for him to answer. “I don’t know,” he said. “Without a miracle…”

He didn’t have to say the words. They knew as they went back into the room that Dr. Robinson didn’t think Joseph would make it. With a Herculean effort, Brenda tried not to let Joseph see her despair. Instead of focusing on what might happen, she concentrated on making him more comfortable.

Joseph was watching the animal fair with interest, but not with the joy or excitement she had hoped for. Instead, his eyes seemed sad as the footage rolled on. Finally, when it was over, she sat next to him on his bed, and leaned over him. “What’s the matter, Joseph?”

He kept his eyes on the blank television screen, and Brenda met David’s eyes, searching for insight into the little boy’s mind. David shook his head, as if he had none.

After a while, Joseph spoke up. “They all think I’m gonna die, don’t they?”

Brenda caught her breath and choked back her tears.

“Die? Of course not, sweetheart. They wouldn’t have gone to all that trouble to have the fair and raise all that money if they thought you were going to die.”

“But they think I’ll die if we can’t afford the transplant, or if we don’t get a heart,” he said.

With a shock, she realized that that thought, so clear to all the rest of them, hadn’t yet been clear in Joseph’s mind—until he saw the video. Now she wished they’d never shown it to him. “Honey, you’re very sick. You know that. But they’re doing everything they can for you here, and soon, you will get a heart.”

“But what if it doesn’t come in time?”

“It will. It has to.”

He looked up at his mother, his eyes pensive. “Mama, remember when the doctor first told us about my heart, and we went to church and they prayed over me?”

David sat up straighter and met Brenda’s eyes.
I told you not to allow that
, his look said.
I told you it would traumatize him.

Her eyes misted over as she looked down at her son. “Yes, I remember,” she said softly.

“That was nice,” he said. “It felt like the prayers would work.”

“Prayers always work, sweetheart.”

“I know,” he said. “But, sometimes…”

Her throat was so full that she couldn’t answer him, and tears brimmed in her eyes. Concerned, Joseph reached up and touched her face. “Don’t cry, Mama. I know I’m going to heaven.”

She wanted to scream out that he wasn’t going anywhere, not yet. Not now. But she couldn’t make the words come out.

Squeezing his mother’s hand, he turned his head to his father. “Daddy?”

“Yeah, son?”

“How do they get a heart?”

David got up and came to his side. “What do you mean, how do they get it?”

“I mean, where does it come from?”

“They get it from another person.”

“What person is mine coming from?” he asked.

“We don’t know yet.”

Joseph thought that over for a moment. “What happens to them?” he asked finally. “I mean, after I get their heart?”

David breathed a deep sigh and leaned wearily over the rail. He began to stroke his little boy’s red hair with callused fingertips. Brenda struggled to choke her tears back. “Well, son, what usually happens is that somebody is in an accident. And they die. Except their organs still work, so the doctors can take them out and give them to people like you, who need them.”

A troubled expression fell like a shadow over Joseph’s face. “Somebody has to die so I can live?”

David’s mouth twitched at the corners as he nodded. Brenda slid her hand along her husband’s shoulder, hoping to comfort him.

“Kinda like Jesus, huh, Mama?”

Brenda tried to smile. “Yeah. Kinda like.”

The thought didn’t seem to give Joseph much pleasure. Still frowning, he looked at the television screen again, thinking that over. “Is it going to be a kid? The person that has to die, I mean.”

“We don’t know,” Brenda whispered.

“We can’t know that, buddy,” David said. “They’ll give you whatever heart is available when you’re at the top of the list, as long as it’s a match for you. It might even be an adult’s heart. It depends more on the size of the heart than the age of it. But it’ll be random.”

“It’s not
that
random,” Brenda corrected. She bent over her son, making him look into her face. “Honey, God is in control. He already knows whose heart He’s going to give you. And when that person is in an accident, or whatever happens, God’s going to take his or her spirit out before anybody ever takes the heart.”

“So they won’t feel it?” Joseph asked.

“Not at all.”

“But what about their parents? Won’t they be sad?”

She smeared the tears across her cheek. “Sure, they will,” she whispered. “But it’s up to God when that person goes home.”

Silence fell between them as Joseph stared into her glistening eyes, processing his thoughts. “It’s up to God when I go home, too, isn’t it?”

She paused, almost unable to answer. “Yes, honey. It is.”

Several moments went by as he gazed at his thoughts. “I feel bad taking somebody else’s heart.”

She struggled to steady her voice. “But that might be how God answers our prayers,” Brenda said. “To take someone’s death, and turn it into life. It’s just like God, isn’t it?”

Joseph didn’t answer.

Later, Joseph fell asleep, and David stepped out into the hallway. Brenda followed, and found him leaning against the wall. Her eyes were swollen from crying, and she felt as if she hadn’t slept in years.

“I wish you wouldn’t tell him those things,” David said, staring at the opposite wall.

“What things?”

“Things about your spirit leaving your body and God being in control.”

“I was telling him the truth, David.”

He moved his gaze to her. “I don’t see that as the truth, Brenda, and I have a hard time with those concepts being put into the head of a little boy who might die.”

“What would you rather he believed?” she asked, growing angry. “Would you rather have him believe that it’s all random and hopeless? That his life or death means nothing? Would you rather tell him he’s insignificant, that life will go on with or without him?”

“You know I wouldn’t,” David said.

“Then what is wrong with my telling him the truth? That God is in control, that He’s taking care of him, and that
if
and
when
he gets a heart, it’ll be because God chose it for him.”

“And what if his body rejects it?” David flung back. “Will you tell him then that God made a mistake?”

She wanted to scream that she couldn’t take much more of his disbelief. But she had no choice. “David, I don’t know what’s going to happen. God may take Joseph out of our hands, and we may go home and have three children to tuck in at night instead of four.” She began to sob but didn’t let it stop her. “But if He does, David, it won’t be because of any
mistake.
”

Slowly, he pulled her into a hug and held her tightly against him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She tried to pull herself together, but her face was still twisted in pain. “When you talk about God as if He doesn’t exist, I take it real personally, David.”

“Why? We have different philosophies, that’s all.”

“It’s not a philosophy,” she whispered. “He’s real. He’s part of me. I love Him. And He gave up His life for you and for me. Just like somebody is going to have to give up his life to save Joseph. The difference is that they won’t volunteer. It won’t be a choice they make. But when Jesus came down here to die for our sins, it
was
a choice He made, David. He didn’t have to do it, but He did. And when you talk about Him the way you do, it hurts me, because I’m part of Him!”

David held her face against his chest and let her weep. “I’m sorry. I guess I haven’t been very sensitive to that.”

“Joseph knows Him, too,” she cried. “You promised, David. When I became a Christian, you told me I could raise our children that way. You said it wouldn’t hurt anything. Don’t pull it out from under Joseph now when it’s all he has left. It’s a lot, David. It’s a lot. It’s more than most people have.”

“Shhh,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. You tell him what you need to get through this. I wish I could believe it.”

“I wish you could, too,” she cried. She spoke the words as a prayer.