Second Chances (15 page)

“I’m your mother.” Self-propelled, the words flew from her lips, surprising them both and floated weightlessly around her. For one interminable moment, neither one moved frozen in place by her startled admission until a sob burst from Pashmina’s chest breaking the spell.

“You’re my son,” she whispered drinking him in like a woman dying of thirst. It was so obvious; his eyes were exact replicas of hers, his jaw strong and square could have been chiseled from the same block of marble, and a cool reserve that covered his thoughts and emotions like frost on a windowpane was a mask she herself had perfected. How did she not see it before? “You’re my son.”

Instinctively she moved to hug him, to hold him relief flooding through her as his nervous tension eased and he gradually relaxed in her embrace. She held him tighter reluctant to let him go surprised at how natural it felt to have him in her arms again after twenty-nine years. She’d never stopped loving him. She’d never stopped being his mother in spirit if not in fact. He had to know that. Shifting slightly she raised her hands, her fingers dancing lightly over his face, the proud Grecian nose and the sculpted planes of his cheeks smudged with the sharp stubble of five o’clock shadow, a painful reminder of the childhood she’d missed. Her baby boy was gone, replaced by this fine young man.

“I never thought I’d see you again,” she whispered, reluctantly releasing him from her hold. “I can’t believe it.”

“Me neither.” Suddenly lost for words, Tim fidgeted nervously on the couch and cleared his throat. What now?

“When I was with George he told me what he knew, his version of what happened, why he never knew about me.” Afraid to say more, he dropped his head and prayed she’d understand his silent plea.

“You want to know my story.” It was a statement not a question and it was a vulnerable little boy not her grown son nodding at her affirmatively.

“You’re a lot like him you know,” she smiled at Tim sitting quietly, his eyes glued on her. “Your mannerisms, your gestures, and handsome. George was always so handsome.”

She sighed deeply. “He was such a dear friend and I cared for him a great deal but he was also arrogant and selfish and he overstepped his bounds with me.” Storm clouds darkened her pensive face. He had no business talking to Harry, no right, and clearly no heart. If he’d truly loved her he’d never have ruined her life that way. As long as she lived she’d never forgive him.

Tim’s heart sank seeing the blatant and bitter hatred transform her beautiful face. Until now his only question had been why? After she’d built a solid life and career, why didn’t she come back for him? And now he knew the answer. She didn’t want to.

“So this is all his fault?”

Pashmina stared at him blankly.

“
You
were a married woman.
You
had an affair. But apparently it’s his fault you got pregnant and I paid the price.”

Unconsciously she touched a hand to her cheek feeling the sting of his words as if he’d slapped her. In a million years he’d never understand how much it cost her to give him up her own flesh and blood, her own beautiful baby boy. As a woman without a country or a home she had nothing to give him but love and that wasn’t nearly enough. Her baby deserved a good life in a safe home with a loving family. And so she became a mother without a child.

“It was a mistake,” she said so softly Tim had to lean in to hear her. “I’m sorry.”

So was he. He couldn’t remember a time he’d felt worse than he did right now and that was saying something. Dreaming of the day he’d meet his parents was the only thing that had pulled him through the dark times, the loneliness, wondering what he’d done wrong, wondering what was wrong with him. But this was way worse than that.

But at least now he knew the truth. He gave her credit for that, for owning up to her mistake, for being straight with him. She’d never wanted a baby, she’d never wanted him. He was an accident she’d walked away from.

Like mother like son. He stood, placing one sneakered foot slowly in front of the other as he headed to the door.
Go. Don’t look back
. He wanted to run, afraid he might change his mind but his resolve was stronger and the distance between them grew quickly.

“Tim, wait, where are you going?” she called shocked and confused. “I’m not finished.”

“Really?” he said his voice flat and devoid of emotion. “I am.”

*   *   *

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

After a morning spent waiting for Tim, praying he was alright Amelia had finally given up and gone home. The day passed slowly still without any word from him and her anxiety turned into anger. What a prick. This was low even for Tim.

Seeking refuge from her frustrated and restless mind, she took a cool, calming shower. This wasn’t the first time he’d left her hanging. Tim called it ‘being independent.’
It’s a dog eat dog world Amelia and the only one you can always count on is yourself.

Bull shit.
What about the people you love, the people that love you?
She wanted to say, ‘you can count on me,’ but she didn’t. She was too afraid. What if he didn’t love her after all? She wasn’t sure she could handle that. Sure he pissed her off sometimes and maybe he’d hurt her a little but he was good for her too. He made her feel cared for and safe and that couldn’t be bad could it?

Over breakfast she and Ben had analyzed and dissected every facet of Tim’s personality, formulating his pros and cons, alternately prosecuting and defending his character, playing judge and jury until neither one had anything more to say about him. In typical attorney fashion Ben summed it up, “I guess he just is what he is.”

She started to protest and he raised his hand. “I know that sounds trite but it’s true. We could spend all day trying to figure out what makes him tick but does it really matter? We both know he’s never going to change.”

Seeing the wheels turning in her head he added, “And you can’t change him either.”

Sadly, Amelia nodded in resigned agreement. “So what do I do now?” she asked.

Rolling his coffee cup like a piece of clay between his hands he avoided meeting her gaze. “Well, I guess that depends.”

“On what?” she asked.

“On you,” he sighed. “Do you want to accept him as he is warts and all or do you want to trust in yourself and maybe be better off without him?”

“When you put it that way, how I can lose?” she said dryly. “So those are my choices? Stay with the guy never knowing where I stand or what to expect from him, or leave and prove he’s right not to trust anybody but himself?”

Ben looked at her across the table. She looked so sad.
Damn you Tim, where are you?

“I’m so sorry Amelia. I wish things were different. I wish Tim was different. But he’s got issues no one understands, not even me and I’ve known him a long time. For some completely inexplicable reason he’s got some kind of built-in self-defense mechanism that works on reflex and keeps everyone at arm’s length. Why? I don’t know but I know it’s by choice and that he’s created a protective bubble that he never leaves and no one else can get in.”

“What about love?” she asked in a pained whisper.

It was pointless to wait any longer. Reluctantly she’d collected the few personal items she’d started keeping in Tim’s room back when she thought they had a future together, and left. Ben didn’t try to stop her.

“That’s what I like about you……” Amelia’s cell phone sang from the bathroom vanity where she’d left it buried in an array of brightly colored jars of moisturizers and tubes of mascara, lipsticks, blush, and eye shadows. Between her and Rose they could start a cosmetics store. In one fluid movement she grabbed the phone and wrapped herself in a fluffy white bath sheet.
Please let this be Tim
. Sitting on the edge of her bed she answered tentatively. “Hello?”

Hello, Amelia? I’m so sorry to bother you on a weekend but I couldn’t wait until Monday to speak with you.”

Masking her disappointment she quickly assured Pashmina otherwise. “Gosh no, you could never be a bother, in fact, I’m glad you called, I’m sorry I didn’t have the guts to call you first.”

Amelia’s cheeks burned with embarrassment. “I really have to apologize for last night. I know it doesn’t even begin to cover it but please believe me when I say I am so so sorry for everything, for running out on you, for Tim and how he treated you. I swear I don’t know what got into him.”

“You mean you haven’t spoken to him?” Pashmina asked.

“Not yet,” she replied. “Last night I was livid and too pissed off to talk. And today I haven’t been able to reach him at all.”

At the other end of the phone Pashmina wondered what to do. Would it be better to share what she knew with Amelia little by little, like feeding bits of bread to a fragile bird or tell her everything at once and trust that she could handle it?

“I think I might have an inkling….” she started.

“Well then please share,” said Amelia “because I sure as hell don’t.”

Pashmina hesitated. “Amelia how long have you two been together?”

“Six months. Why?”

“Has Tim ever talked about his biological parents? Has he told you anything about them?”

Amelia hesitated, “Not much……a little bit recently.” She waited for Pashmina to speak again. Did Pashmina know about George?

Pashmina closed her eyes. Clearly Amelia didn’t know who she was, but maybe Tim had confided in her about George. It was a start at least. Already tired, she took a deep breath, filling her lungs to bursting and exhaling loudly. No time to waste, she better get started.

“Are you o.k.?” Amelia asked.

“I’m fine,” she assured her. “Amelia look, I have to tell you something but I’m not sure how. It was an incredible shock to me and I’m pretty sure it will be to you too.”

Amelia stared longingly at the shower where moments ago she’d almost succeeded in washing her worries away. But that was then. Settling back against the bed pillows she braced herself for whatever Pashmina was about to say, “Go ahead, I’m ready.”

“Did Tim tell you about the surprise visit from his biological father a couple of weeks ago?”

Amelia was relieved. “I know all about it, they had a wonderful reunion.” Feeling more confident she continued, “They even spent a few days together getting to know each other. Tim was ecstatic. He’s been trying to find his parents forever and when he learned that his dad had been looking for him too he was just beside himself.”

“Well that explains a lot. I think I understand why he was so upset with me last night.”

Amelia stared quizzically at the phone, “You lost me.”

“Remember the day we met, at lunch?” she asked. “Remember how you were a little intimidated by my reputation as a dragon lady, a diva?”

Amelia laughed. “I remember.” It seemed like ages ago. “But I know better now, nothing could be further from the truth. You’re a kind and wonderful woman.”

“Thank you, but truthfully there’s still a great deal you don’t know about this Mistress of Mystery.”

“Such as…?”

“Such as a long time ago I was married to the man of my dreams; he was perfect, except for his work. He traveled all the time,” she explained.
Just stick to the facts Pashmina, there’s no excuse for what you did.
“I was very lonely and very weak and I had an affair. My husband found out and he left me. My lover deserted me too and then I discovered I was pregnant with his child.”

She took a deep breath, it hurt going back in time. “I was distraught over losing my husband and so ashamed of what I’d done, but more than anything I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. So I left my home and my family and I came here, alone, where I could have the baby and arrange for it to be adopted without anyone knowing. I thought if I made everything normal again then maybe Harry and I could get back together. That’s what I hoped but it didn’t happen.”

With no sound from Amelia, Pashsmina felt like she was talking to herself, a conversation long overdue but better late than never. She explained, “I was foolish and selfish and young but I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us. I didn’t know the first thing about raising a baby; how would I support us, where would we live?”

She heard the plea in her voice and thought of Tim. Was she too late, would he ever forgive her? She continued resolute, “I was convinced I knew nothing about being a mother, until now. When Tim came to see me this morning he made me realize that there’s no substitute for a mother’s love, it’s the only thing a child really needs.”

“This morning?”

Amelia’s first words after Pashmina’s lengthy monologue startled them both but thank God, at least she didn’t feel so alone anymore. She apologized, “I’m afraid he stood you up for me. He wanted to talk about the fireworks at dinner last night but he got so angry and upset again that he left before I could explain anything to him. I’m afraid he’s inherited his father’s quick temper and rash behavior.”

“I don’t understand.” Amelia’s head was buzzing trying to make sense of what Pashmina was saying.

“Amelia, this is what I wanted to tell you.” She swallowed, “Tim is my son, he’s the baby I gave away. I am his mother.” She began to cry.