Second Life (9 page)

‘She was a really lovely person. Full stop.’

He hesitates.

‘So, why didn’t she want me?’

‘Connor,’ I begin. ‘It’s complicated—’

‘Dad says I shouldn’t worry about it. He says that Auntie Kate loved me very much
but she wasn’t coping, that she couldn’t afford a baby, but you could, so it made
sense.’

‘Well, that’s really a very simplistic way of looking at it . . .’

I wonder when Hugh’s been telling Connor all this. I didn’t even know they’d talked.
I tell myself we need to make more of an effort, to be upfront with Connor, to be
united. Like we’d decided years ago.

‘If you wanted children, why didn’t you have one?’

‘We couldn’t.’ I’m trying to keep my voice even; I don’t want it to crack, to betray
how much loss I contain. ‘We’d been trying. For several years. But one of us . .
.’ I stop. He doesn’t need the details. ‘We just couldn’t.’ It comes to me, then.
The clinic: white walls and rubber floors, boxes spilling blue gloves, posters advertising
helplines and charities that I knew I’d never call. I remember the stirrups, the
cold metal between my legs. It felt like a punishment.

I realize I’ve still never told anyone about that, certainly not Hugh. He doesn’t
know anything about that baby I could have had but didn’t.

‘Who couldn’t?’

I look at my son. At Kate’s son. ‘I don’t know.’ The familiar sense of shame comes,
then. I thought I’d conquered it, years ago. I was mistaken. ‘We don’t know. But
it doesn’t matter. It makes no difference. We love you, Connor. You’re our son.’

The toaster pings, the bread pops up. I’m startled, briefly, then I begin to butter
his toast.

‘Thanks, Mum,’ he says, and I’m not sure what he’s thanking me for.

I take the key from my bag and unlock the padlock. The shed door swings inwards with
a creak and I wait for a few moments to let some of the heat out before stepping
in. Even though the walls are lined and painted and I light scented candles in here
when I work, it still smells vaguely of wood. Yet it’s comforting; my own space,
a refuge.

I close the door behind me and sit at the desk. I put the biscuit tin in front of
me, the one Anna gave me. I feel calmer, now. I know what I have to do.

I take Kate’s Filofax out of the tin and put it on the desk, next to my laptop. The
light that streams into my studio through the window behind me reflects off its surface
and I adjust my chair and change the angle of the screen. Finally I press a key.

My background picture is an old photo of me, sitting on a bench on the Heath with
Connor on my lap. In the photo he’s four, maybe five. A decade ago, and I look so
happy, so excited finally to be a parent, yet now it feels as if it belongs to a
different time completely. I realize once again how Kate’s death has sliced my life
in two.

I press another key and the picture of Connor disappears, replaced by the last window
I’d had open. It’s a video.

I press play. It’s a film of the two of us, me and Connor, on a beach. Hugh took
it, years ago, back when he still used his camcorder. Connor is about five, dressed
in red trunks and slathered in sunblock, and the two of us are running away from
the camera, into the sea, laughing as we do.

It was a glorious summer; we’d hired a villa in Portugal.
We spent the days by the
pool, or on the beach. We had lunch in a restaurant in the village, or we’d take
a drive into the hills. We sat on the terrace and watched the sun go down after we’d
put Connor to bed. We’d sit, and talk, and then we’d go to bed ourselves, where,
quietly, carefully, we made love. We were happy. So very, very happy.

The video is almost over when I get a call; it’s Anna, on Skype. I don’t want to
talk to her now. I click ignore. I’ll call her back later. What I have to do won’t
take long.

The video finishes; Connor is frozen in the distance.

I’m ready.

I open my browser and begin to type the web address: encountrz. I only have to type
the first few letters; the rest autofills from the night before last, the time I
hadn’t got as far as pressing enter.

I press it now. I have a sense of weightlessness; it’s inexplicable, but real. My
body has become unmoored. I’m floating. The window loads. A photo appears, a couple,
walking along a beach, laughing. It looks somehow banal, but what had I expected?

At the top of the screen is a box marked ‘Username’, and another headed ‘Password’.
I type in ‘KatieB’, then ‘Jasper1234’. I select enter.

I’m not sure what will happen. The machine seems to hang, to take an age, but then
the screen changes and a message appears across its centre.

‘Welcome back, Katie. It’s been a while!’

It feels as if something has struck me, slammed me back to earth. I’m winded, I can’t
breathe, but then I realize the message is automated. I breathe deeply, try to calm
down. Next to it there’s a button marked ‘Enter’. I press it.

I’m not ready for what I see; there’s a picture of my sister, in the top-left corner
of the screen beneath the website’s
logo. It jolts me again. It’s like she’s there,
sitting at her computer. It’s as if all I have to do is type a message and press
send – just like I can with Anna, and Adrienne, and Dee and Fatima – and then I’ll
be able to talk to her again, tell her I’m sorry, that Connor is safe. That I miss
her.

But I can’t. She’s gone. I focus on why I’ve logged on here, I make myself look at
the photo she used. It looks like it was taken on a holiday. It’s a close-up. She’s
lying on a beach towel, on her front, reading a book. Her sunglasses are pushed back
on her head, her skin is tanned. She’s wearing a bikini and has hoisted herself up
on her elbows. Her breasts push up against the fabric of the towel, yet it looks
unposed, natural.

She’s smiling. Happy. I stare at the picture. I wonder when it was taken, and by
whom. She looks so relaxed. I can’t believe the little girl I’d once held, once bathed,
once read to, is gone. I can’t believe I’ll never speak to her again.

I begin to cry. I’m sliding, backwards, towards pain. I can’t do this, I think. Not
alone.

I call Anna back.

‘There should be a tab at the top for recent activity. You could look there. It lists
the last few people who have looked at her profile.’

She’s already asked me if I’m all right, what I’m up to. She’s already questioned
whether this is a good idea and I told her the half-lie that Adrienne had suggested
it. ‘I just want to see if there’s anything the police might’ve missed.’

‘Right. Got it.’

‘Then you should see the rooms. On the right?’

I minimize the chat window and Anna’s face disappears. Behind it is the dating site,
the list of chatrooms. Looking for Love? Something Extra. A Bit on the Side. Couples
and
Groups. I wonder which one Kate would have gravitated towards.

‘Okay.’

‘Kate and I used to go to Casual Chat,’ says Anna. ‘But there should be a tab, at
the top. Friends and Favourites.’

‘I see it.’

‘They’re the people Kate was chatting to. The ones she’s connected with, linked her
profile to.’

I click on the tab and the page changes. A list of names appears, with thumbnail
photographs. I freeze. My right hand begins to shake. Robbie676, Lutture, SteveXXX
. . . this list goes on.

I scroll down; there are about fifteen names in total.

‘Anything?’ says Anna.

My hope floods away and I’m suddenly empty. Hollowed out. This is futile, and I’m
an idiot. What did I think I’d see? A message from one of her friends, telling me
he killed my sister? A message to her: ‘I got you in the end’?

‘I don’t know. Just a list of names. They could be anyone.’

She says nothing.

I realize for the first time that she might be scared. She’s been on the same site,
possibly even talking to the same people. She must be thinking how easily it might
have been her in that alleyway instead of Kate.

For a moment I wish it had been, but then I push that thought away. I don’t wish
that, not on her, not on anyone.

‘Maybe you should look at some of them?’ she says. ‘Their profiles? Find out if any
live nearby.’

I’m surprised. ‘Won’t they all?’

‘Not necessarily. Don’t forget, Kate wasn’t only interested in meeting up with people
in the real world. With some of them it was all virtual. They might be anywhere,
on the other side of the planet.’

She’s right, of course. I select a couple of the profiles to look at in detail. SexyLG,
whose profile picture is of a sunset, lives in Connecticut; CRM1976, it turns out,
is a woman. I click on a few more and find that most seem to live abroad – in Europe,
the States, Australia. Some are much older than Kate, a couple younger. None looks
like the kind of person I imagine Kate being interested in, sexually or otherwise.

‘Anyone?’

‘Not yet. I need to look in more detail.’

I scan through the rest. I can see only one who fits the bill. Harenglish.

‘Here’s one. Male, lives in Paris.’ I click on his profile. He’s used a head-and-shoulders
photo, and is bald. He wears glasses and a leather motorcycle jacket. He’s hidden
his age but looks as though he’s in his mid- to late thirties. He’s a Pisces, he
says, single, looking for love or ‘fun along the way’.

‘What’s he called?’ says Anna. I tell her, and then hear her typing. I guess she’s
logging on to the same site, searching for his profile.

I stare at his picture as if it’s a puzzle I need to solve. He looks nice enough,
sort of innocent, but then what does that even mean? Anyone can find a decent picture
of themselves, anyone can present themselves in the best light. Isn’t that what we’re
all trying to do, on some level? Show our best face to the world, leave the darkness
within? The screen of the internet just makes it easier.

If only there were some way I could find out how well he’d known my sister. If they’d
been close enough that she’d listed him as a friend, why hasn’t he messaged her,
why hasn’t he expressed shock, or at least surprise, when she disappeared?

‘I don’t recognize him.’

I imagine doing what Adrienne suggested. Taking down
his name, along with any more
that look as if they might be people Kate had met, then handing the information over
to the police. But maybe they’ll have looked at these names already.

‘I’m going to message him.’

‘Wait!’ There’s an edge in her voice; it’s alarming, surprising. I open her Skype
window; her eyes are narrowed as if she’s concentrating, she looks anxious.

‘What is it?’

‘That might be dangerous. I mean, think about it. You’re logged on with Kate’s profile.
If it is him who killed her he’ll know you must be someone else, pretending to be
her. It’ll just drive him underground. We have to be clever about this.’ She hesitates.
‘Maybe I should send him a message? Say hi. See if I can find anything out.’

I hear her begin to type. ‘Sent,’ she says after a few seconds, and as she does my
machine pings with a message. It’s not from her, though, and neither is it from Harenglish.
Someone else has messaged Kate. Eastdude.

There’s a peculiar rush of excitement, one I wasn’t expecting.

‘I’ve got a message!’

‘Who from?’

I tell her. The name’s familiar. I open the list of usernames Kate had tucked into
her Filofax and see that I’m right. It’s there.

‘This guy’s on Kate’s list. It’s him.’

‘Julia, we don’t know that.’

She’s right. Even as I begin to argue, I realize my logic is flawed. If he’s killed
my sister, why would he be messaging her now?

I stare at the message as if it’s dangerous, poisonous.

‘Maybe he just wonders why Kate’s been so quiet.’

‘I’m going to read it.’

I click on Eastdude’s message and it opens in a new window. It looks as though it’s
been typed hurriedly. ‘Hey katie. You’re back! Missed u! If u fancy another hook
up – I’m still up 4 it!’

I try to imagine what Kate would’ve done. Would she have just sent a reply, a yes?
And after that? They’d arrange a date, I suppose, they’d meet up. Drinks and dinner?
Or would she have just gone to his place, or had him round to hers? Would it be simpler
just to cut out the preliminaries?

‘He wants to know if she wants to hook up.’

‘Hook up where?’

‘He doesn’t say.’ I click on his profile. He’s in his early thirties, he says, though
the photo suggests an extra ten years at least. Under ‘Location’ he’s written ‘New
York’.

‘New York.’

‘But that doesn’t make sense.’

I read it again. ‘“Another hook up”. I don’t remember Kate ever going to New York.
Did she?’

‘No. He must mean cybersex.’

Cybersex. Just endless descriptions of who’s doing what to who. What they’re wearing,
how it’s making them feel. Adrienne has always joked that the reality is lots of
people sitting around in jogging bottoms, covered in baby puke.

‘But would they call that a hook up?’ I say.

‘I guess they might.’

‘There’s no message history.’

‘Then you should forget it, Julia.’

‘I could answer his message. He thinks I’m Kate.’

‘And achieve what?’

‘Just to find out what he knows . . .’

I look at the picture again. This Eastdude. He looks
innocent, harmless. His hair
is receding, and in the picture he’s chosen he has his arms around a woman who’s
been inexpertly cropped out of the shot. Just as I’d removed myself from the picture
of Marcus.

I wonder what he and Kate had talked about. I wonder how well he knew her, if at
all.

Isn’t that why I came on here? To find out?

‘I’m not sure it’s going to help,’ says Anna.

‘Trust me,’ I say. ‘I’ll talk to you later.’

Our messages scroll up the screen. Eastdude thinks he’s talking to Kate.

– You don’t remember how hot it was? I’m upset.

On the next line is a symbol, a round face, yellow, winking. He’s joking.