Second Thoughts (14 page)

He slumped back into his seat and, if anything, seemed
relieved,
which made no sense to me. “Well, that's no secret.”

“Wh…what do you mean?”

“I've been a murderer since the day I was born, Lainey. You know that, and besides, even if it wasn't common knowledge, how could
you
of all people not know? I mean, didn't you try to
see
it?” He was shaking his head and grimacing in the way that was almost a smile, like if this were any other topic, it would have been amusing.

I dropped my head into my hands, feeling like a fool. In my quest for bliss-in-ignorance, I'd overlooked the obvious. “Your mother,” I murmured. “Of course.” She'd died in childbirth.

He tipped my chin up with gentle fingers and, for the first time since we got in the car, gave me a very small smile. “Did you really not check?” Heat crept up my neck and flushed my cheeks as I shook my head. Carter leaned over again, practically scooping me up in his arms. “God, I love you,” he said into my ear.

With a little maneuvering, I repositioned myself onto his lap, my back to his door and my long legs extending all the way into the passenger seat. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it was comforting to be close to him. I rested my head on his shoulder while he ran his fingers through my hair. I always loved it when he did that, which was often, but tonight it felt especially good. Like home.

Eventually he asked the question I'd been waiting for. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because saying it out loud to you makes it real.”

He kissed my cheek. “That's illogical.”

“I know.”

“I
knew
something's been wrong,” he said. “You've seemed so lost in your own head lately, and took that trip to the cemetery…That wasn't really about Jill, was it?”

“No,” I admitted, though I still didn't tell him what it was
really
about. “I'm sorry.”

We were quiet again for a while, the sounds of our breathing mingling with the hum of the heaters. It was already late, and only getting later every minute we sat there, but I knew Carter wasn't ready so I didn't push to leave. He needed time to come to terms with the future,
but more than that, he needed to formulate a plan. Carter was incomplete without some kind of action he could take. “It has to be an accident,” he repeated.

“Most likely.” Before he could get angry, I added, “but it's more like it…wasn't definite. Like God or whoever hasn't figured out the details yet. I've never had a vision so vague before.”

He thought for a moment. “Are you sure it wasn't just a…a possibility, something that might happen?”

Sometimes I liked to let myself believe that same thing, but, “It felt pretty certain.”

“Then it must be an accident. I'd
never
hurt you intentionally.”

“I know.” I wondered if this would still be true if he knew all of the other things I'd been keeping from him lately, but I couldn't dwell on that. One problem at a time. I kissed his neck and hugged him a little tighter. “It's late, Carter.”

“I don't know what to do yet,” he replied. “How do I fight a future you can't even see?”

This time I kissed his lips before pushing myself over to my own seat. “You don't,” I told him. “You let me do it.”

“You're telling me
everything,
right? And you'll tell me if anything changes?”

It was strangely easy to say “I promise,” knowing the promise was already broken. To
myself,
I promised no more lies—if I managed to live through this one.

T
he next note arrived the following week while I was at my library hours. Wednesday nights were busy times—Northbrook had a world-class library and the students were expected to use it. Last year, I had to dodge my classmates while I snuck up to the Special Collections floor for Sententia practice with Carter. This year, I had to dodge my classmates to get anything done. I spent most of my two hours with my head down and earbuds on to keep myself from being distracted.

I'd just pushed my empty cart into the elevator and was about to push the top floor button when small, slender fingers did it for me. I snapped my head up to see Mandi Worthington smirking at me. I hadn't even realized she'd followed me in. The doors shooshed behind her and we started up.

“Hey, Mandi,” I said, turning off my music and giving her a smile. “You here studying?”

“Mrs. Hastings wanted me to give this to you,” was her answer. She held up a familiar cream envelope with my name in the center. I easily recognized the strong script as Daniel Astor's.

“Uh, thanks.” I reached across my stacks of books but Mandi made no motion to hand over my note. “Mandi?”

Anger turned down the corners of her smirk. “I know who it's from,” she said, still holding it just far enough that I'd have to lean over to snatch it from her. Not that I'd do that. If I'd learned anything in the last year, it was to be patient long enough to figure out what game girls like Mandi were playing.

I tried very hard not to sigh before I said, “And?”

Mandi leaned toward me, putting all her considerable bitchiness into her next question. “And why is he sending
you
notes too, like he is to Alexis?”

“I don't know,” I blurted out, because I was too surprised to stop my mouth from saying it. I reminded myself that I should never play poker before I added, “Why don't you ask Alexis?”

Frost formed on her words as she replied, “I will,” finally handing over the note. “She's going to help him become President, you know. Don't get in the way.”

As if she'd timed it, the elevator dinged and the door opened behind her. She disappeared between the stacks on the fourth floor before I even had the chance to close my mouth that had dropped open in surprise. The door slid shut before I remembered to get out.

I read the note as I rode down and back up again.

Dear Lainey,

As always, I delighted in your company, and that of your aunt's, this past weekend. I urge you to join us here next year, as your acceptance is guaranteed, so that we may make dinners together a regular occurrence. However, so you can make the most informed choice, I've also arranged dinners for you and my nephew in Boston with several prominent alumni of both your prospective schools.

I understand the difficulty of your decision, Lainey, but feel certain after our last meeting that you now understand all the possible advantages. I know you'll make the right choice. Let's talk again soon.

Yours, D.A.

It was strange how the note could make my stomach flutter with excitement and apprehension, but then, much in my life was strange. Though I knew the difficult decision he wanted to talk about had nothing to do with colleges, I looked forward to the dinners he'd arranged—it made me feel a bit like a celebrity, in the best possible way. I wondered if this is how people close to the senator always felt.

My biggest concern in all this was actually Mandi. Not her revelation, but her threat. What was she up to, and why? I'd heard the rumors about Senator Astor becoming the next President—we'd even talked about them over dinner last weekend—but I'd gotten the impression he wasn't as decided on running as everyone else was. He already had one presidency to deal with, and I couldn't imagine it would be easy to hide his connection to the Perceptum as President of the United States. Though, for all I knew, it might help him
get
the job, not disqualify him from it.

Maybe it was an odd notion that Dan would approach a high school girl to help his potential presidential campaign, but it made perfect sense to me. Not only was she a close family friend, I counted many ways Alexis could be an asset. She was going to Georgetown, too, so she'd be right there in D.C.

But she wasn't there yet and something was up. Except for Honor Board, we generally ignored each other this year, almost as if by unspoken agreement. But then here was Mandi, complicating everything. I wondered if
she
was doing Alex's dirty work, between her flirtation with Caleb and her new threats. This, at least, was a problem I could handle directly.

I'
D NEVER ACTIVELY
sought out Alexis before—usually it was the other way around—but it wasn't like she was hard to find. For one, we had two classes together, and otherwise, she was a campus star. If I didn't know where she was, all I had to do was ask anyone. Tonight, all I had to do was guess.

After I left the library, I headed across the street, grabbing a to-go cup from the coffee shop right before it closed and then over to the bookstore. Since I usually
wasn't
there, and Carter was, I figured that was Alexis's most likely location. And I was right, because that's where I found her, sitting on the couch where I usually did. Next to the guy I usually sat next to.

Carter stood up when he saw me, leaving Alexis alone on the couch and glaring at me from behind his back. He didn't look guilty, not exactly. More like apologetic. Like he hoped I wouldn't be mad.

“Well this is a nice surprise,” he said as he met me at the edge of the lounge, plucking the coffee out of my hand and sweeping me into a tight hug. That was one thing about Carter; he was never afraid to be affectionate, even in the middle of the crowded bookstore, even though it always made me blush. “What's up, gorgeous?”

I planted a quick kiss on his cheek before I squirmed out of his arms and reclaimed my coffee. “Maybe I should ask you that,” I said. It was not entirely sarcastic.

In return, I got his measured look, the one that meant he was deciding whether to say something. “Sorry. She needed help with physics and I couldn't resist.” After a pause, he leaned down, a sexy smile spreading from his lips to his eyes, and added, “But I kind of like it when you're jealous.”

Ignoring my usual reserve, I stepped even closer and ran my hand down his stomach. I was rewarded with an intake of breath and an eager look in his eyes. In my most seductive voice, I said, “Well, I actually
came here to see
her,
not you, so maybe you're the one who should be jealous.”

Carter's eager look morphed into confusion and then curiosity, before he laughed and grabbed my hand. He kissed it lightly and took a step out of the lounge. “I
am
jealous. And I'm also done here tonight. Come upstairs after”—he glanced over his shoulder at Alexis—“whatever you're doing with her?”

I shouldn't have, but I agreed, and then watched Carter stride off to the staircase behind the counter that led up to their apartment. I waved at Melinda where she sat behind the register. Alexis was still glaring at me when I returned my attention to the lounge. It was clear she'd been watching our entire exchange. Interestingly enough, none of her friends had claimed the rest of the open couch. I wondered just how often she sat here alone on Wednesday nights and needed help with her physics.

Without invitation, I sat next to her, taking a sip from my coffee and watching the fire while I decided what to say. Alexis looked as effortlessly beautiful as ever tonight. Her dark hair, so similar in color to mine, fell perfectly over her shoulder to catch the flickering light from the fireplace.

“Lainey.” She said my name like it tasted bitter. “This
isn't
a nice surprise, by the way.”

Her attitude loosened my tongue and excused my manners. “I just want you to call off your little dog.”

She glanced at me. “I wish I knew what you were talking about, but I don't.”

“Right.” I felt her shrug next to me. When I finally turned to face her, she was watching the fire, just like I'd been. I truly sensed no dishonesty from her. In fact, if asked, I'd have said she was trying to hide her curiosity behind indifference. “I mean Mandi,” I clarified. “You know, your cousin.”

“I know who she is, Young. What about her?”

I was starting to feel kind of stupid and the answer tumbled out of me awkwardly. “She…threatened me at work hours today. And she's up to something. With Caleb.”

Alexis actually frowned before the annoyed mask slipped back into place and she began examining her pristine fingernails for chips. “I haven't the slightest idea why she's interested in Sullivan. Though maybe I should be telling you to keep your
roommate
in line. She started the threatening, as I understand it.” Alexis put on her best sneer. “Mandi's probably just trying to keep your crazy away from me. She's protective of her family that way.”

Touché. After taking a sip of my coffee and counting to five, I did the hard thing. “You know what? I'm sorry, Alex. I assumed you were involved and I was wrong.” She looked at me with open confusion as I gathered my bag and stood. “And that problem set from physics was hard, so I'm going to go get some help of my own. Bye.” I was just stepping away when she called to me softly.

“Lainey? I don't know what she's up to. Honest.”

I nodded. “I believe you.” And I did. Mandi might have been her cousin, but apparently she wasn't her puppet. I hoped she wouldn't turn out to be something worse.

W
HAT SHE TURNED
out to be was a pest. Like a mosquito, buzzing close to my ear but never in reach. I barely
saw
Mandi in the following weeks, but she seemed to be in everything. This is what I was thinking while I sat on that same bookstore couch and listened to—another—argument between my roommate and her boyfriend.

“Seriously, Caleb? You're
already
leaving?”

“You knew I couldn't stay!”

“But you've only been here, like,
five minutes.”

He'd really been there closer to an hour. Long enough for them to have spent possibly more than five minutes making out while I tried to ignore that, too. I carefully shifted my foot out from underneath me on the couch, before it fell asleep or my pants got too wrinkled, while trying not to draw attention to my continued presence.