Secret Lives (12 page)

I tried to say yes, but no words came out,
and I tried to nod but my neck was stiff and wouldn't move. I
wanted to get away from her so I could breathe. Truly, I have never
felt so close to suffocating.

It is not just Sara Jane. Susanna's ma came
up to me and took my hand and said, “We're family now,” and I felt
ready to pass out.

This is what I mean about feeling lonely. I
wanted to be nice and social and instead I felt like the time I
accidentally got locked in the pantry when I was five. I couldn't
breathe right, my eyes got all blurred up, and my heart thumped
like I would die. I can't even explain it to Kyle because he would
just say I'm not trying hard enough, but I don't know how to try
any harder.

January 5, 1943

Susanna had a brother, John, who died at
Pearl Harbor. He was just seventeen, a year older than Kyle. When I
try to imagine what it would be like if Kyle died I get that heart
attack pain in my chest again. I look at Susanna and wonder how she
can smile, how she can go on at all.

I wish the war would end before Kyle
finishes school next year because he is bound and determined to
fight. He talks about it being his duty and now he talks about
“avenging John's death.” And I say what if he dies too? But Kyle
doesn't seem to think that's possible. He has this attitude that
nothing bad can happen to him, that he is protected in some way. I
never have that feeling. Instead, I am certain my death is waiting
for me around the next bend in the road. Every morning I am
surprised to wake up alive.

–
11–

Seventy-six miles per hour. Eden kept her
eyes riveted on the speedometer as Lou bore down on the gas pedal
with her one foot, the foot that would also have to work the brake.
There was little traffic on 81, but Eden clutched the armrest with
a damp hand nevertheless.

They were on their way to a doctor's
appointment in Winchester. Lou had asked Eden to go with her, and
Eden had agreed, thinking Lou might need her help. She offered to
drive, but Lou laughed at the suggestion. “It takes practice to
drive this thing,” she said, pointing to the van. Eden watched
Lou's effortless operation of the lift that swung her chair into
position behind the steering wheel, and as they flew down the
curved roads between Lynch Hollow and the highway, she knew that
Lou had not asked her along for her help.

Kyle had handed Eden the next notebook as she
climbed into the van. “Maybe you'll want to do a little reading
while you're waiting for Lou,” he'd said. Now the notebook rested
on her knees, along with a script Nina had sent her to
consider.

Eden watched the waves of heat rising from
the road as the usual silence stretched between her aunt and
herself. “Hot,” she said after they'd driven a few miles.

“It's going to be a real scorcher of a
summer,” Lou said. “It's probably hotter in New York, though. Do
you miss it?”

“Not really,” said Lou. “Too much traffic up
there. I like to cut loose in a car.”

“I noticed.”

“We go up about once a month. See friends, do
the theater, go shopping. I always knew we'd end up back here
eventually, though. Kyle's roots have a strong pull on him.”

There were a few other patients, mostly
elderly, in the waiting room of the doctor's office.

“Geriatrics,” Lou whispered to Eden as she
wheeled herself into the room. “He specializes.”

Eden took a seat next to her aunt's chair and
set the journal once again on her lap. She'd left the script in the
van. Nina was pushing her, as usual, but Eden couldn't think about
another film right now.

There were some whispers from across the
room, a twittering that let Eden know she'd been recognized. In a
moment a frail-looking little woman left her seat and came over to
sit next to her.

“You're Eden Riley, aren't you?”

Eden smiled. “Yes, I am.”

“I knew it! I was just sitting there reading
this article in People”—she held up the magazine, open to a picture
of Eden with Michael Carey—”and I looked up and there you were in
the flesh.”

“Well, you have a very keen eye. Not everyone
recognizes me. Would you like me to sign that picture for you?”

“Oh, yes. My granddaughter worships you.
She'll be thrilled.”

Eden set the magazine on top of the notebook
in her lap. She had seen this picture, taken at the opening of
Heart of Winter, many times before. She and Michael were arm in arm
and dressed to kill, he in a tux, she in sequins. They'd given
birth to an abundance of rumors that night.

She personalized the autograph to the woman's
granddaughter and signed it, the witch of the North Star, Eden
Riley. The woman looked far less frail as she hopped back across
the room with her new treasure.

“You do that very easily, don't you, dear?”
Lou asked. “Switch into the professional Eden Riley?”

“It becomes second nature after a while.” It
was switching out of that role she found difficult.

The receptionist peeked out of her glass
room. “Good morning, Mrs. Swift,” she said. “How's Mr. Swift
doing?”

“He's fine, thank you, dear.”

“Has Kyle been ill?” Eden asked.

“No, not at all. Just the arthritis, which
irritates the hell out of him. But when you reach a certain age you
realize that even under the best of circumstances you don't have
that much time left. So, Kyle's fine, but he feels every little
ache and pain and it makes him think about what's important to him,
what he wants to accomplish with the rest of his life.”

“The site?”

Lou closed the magazine in her lap. “The site
means a lot to him, but you're more important to him than anything
else,” she said. “You and Cassie. That's why he's so happy you're
with us. He wants to…set things right with you. He always regretted
not taking you in as soon as Kate died. He wishes he could make it
up to you. He thinks this is his chance, helping you with the
film.”

“Kyle's already done enough for me,” Eden
said.

Lou glanced over at her. “Do you know that,
dear?”

“Yes.” She looked down at the journal, her
cheeks hot. Kyle had done plenty for her, but in one crucial way
Lou had done more.

“Maybe one of these days you could find it in
your heart to tell him that.”

A nurse led Lou into the back office, and
Eden stared at her hands where they rested on the notebook. She
knew Kyle had wanted to take her in after Katherine died, but her
grandfather wouldn't let him. Granddaddy disliked Lou, and he told
Kyle that his traveling would be no good for a child. So Eden
stayed in Lynch Hollow with Granddaddy and Susanna. Her grandfather
all but ignored her. He said Katherine had spoiled her beyond
repair and now he had to set her right. Susanna ran hot and cold,
and it was never safe to turn to her for anything. Eden remembered
trying to climb into Susanna's lap for a hug just a few weeks after
Katherine's death. Susanna pushed her away, telling her she was too
old to be cuddled, and Eden never bothered trying again.

Her grandfather died when Eden was ten. His
death was a surprise, something to do with his heart. Shortly after
that Susanna developed pneumonia. The house filled with her cough.
The roof started leaking that year, and Eden set buckets and bowls
on the floor of the living room whenever it rained, while Susanna
lay in bed, pale and wheezing. Susanna finally got so bad her
family took her in. But they refused to take Eden, wanting nothing
to do with the daughter of the woman who'd lived in a cave. Susanna
never told Eden her plans. Instead she had bundled her off to the
orphanage. Once the initial shock wore off, Eden wasn't surprised
to find herself there. She'd learned not to grow attached to
anyone, too fond of anyone, so there could be no surprises and no
hurt.

She lived at the orphanage for two years,
surrounded by children whose lives had been even more devastating
than her own and who therefore had nothing with which to taunt her.
But it was too late. Eden wasn't going to risk getting close to
anyone, and the other children quickly gave up on her. She devoted
her time to her homework and reading. Then one of the nuns began
taking them to the movies, and Eden found her passion. The movies
stayed in her mind for weeks at a time, and she imagined herself
starring in her favorite roles. She'd sneak into the communal
bathroom in the middle of the night to practice in front of the
small mirror above the chipped porcelain sink. Once she was caught
in the midst of her tearful portrayal of Ingrid Bergman learning
she had tuberculosis in The Bells of St. Mary's, and she had a
terrible time explaining what had devastated her so.

The day after her thirteenth birthday Eden
was summoned to the director's office. She was afraid of Sister
Joseph, the diminutive, razor-tongued director, and by the time she
reached the office she was trembling. Sister Joseph was dwarfed by
her big mahogany desk, yet she looked formidable to Eden with her
bushy black eyebrows and thin white lips. There were two people
sitting in the chairs in front of Sister Joseph's desk, but it
wasn't until they stood to face her that Eden recognized them as
Kyle and Lou. She felt an old, nearly forgotten joy that they'd
come to visit her, and dread at the knowledge that they would leave
her again. It was always that way with Kyle and Lou. They had
stopped in at Lynch Hollow from time to time between trips to South
America, but they never stayed long. So Eden had no expectation
that this visit would be any different. Her dread locked horns with
her happiness, and she allowed no emotion whatever to show on her
face. That was nothing new. The only times she cried these days,
the only times she laughed, were during her hours of escape in
front of the bathroom mirror.

Kyle hugged her while she stood rigid as
stone in his arms.

“I'm sorry, sweetheart,” he said. “We didn't
know about Susanna, and when we found out, we had trouble tracking
you down. We never would have let you stay here.”

They were not just passing through this time,
she thought. Kyle meant to take her away with him and Lou. Still,
she didn't let her happiness show. She could be wrong. She could be
back here within a week.

Sister Joseph took Kyle aside, and Eden knew
she was telling him she was too withdrawn, too sullen. She heard it
from the nuns herself all the time. But Kyle left the office with
determination in his smile. He put one arm around her, the other
around Lou. “We'll take good care of her,” he said to Sister
Joseph.

Eden was an adult before she understood the
sacrifice Kyle and Lou had made for her. They had intentionally had
no children so they'd be free to travel, to pursue their careers.
When she moved in with them Kyle took a teaching position at NYU to
put an end to his traveling, giving up his first love to create a
stable home life for her.

They'd lived in New York, a block from
Washington Square in Greenwich Village. The kids in New York had
read all of Katherine Swift's books, so at first they were
impressed with Eden. But her accent earned her the label
“hillbilly,” and soon the teasing started again.

Eden learned to keep her mouth shut. Kyle and
Lou did all they could for her, buying her dance lessons, piano
lessons, speech lessons, trying to scrape every last trace of Lynch
Hollow from her. They would have bought her friends, too, if that
had been possible.

Eden remembered her life in that apartment as
a string of television shows. She stayed up late watching old
movies, sneaking again, because Kyle didn't approve. Once she
overheard Lou and Kyle talking about her voracious appetite for
movies. She was just like Kate, Kyle said, living her life through
the lives of other people. The apartment was nothing more than her
cave.

The cave. Eden's eyes rested once again on
the notebook in her lap as the receptionist broke the hushed
stillness of the waiting room by calling another patient. She
really should see the cave. She wished Kyle were not so adamant
about keeping it closed. But would she go in if he'd let her? She
would have to. She was missing something, missing the atmosphere
that had comforted her mother and would color this film.

Eden picked up the journal from her lap and
began to read.

October 11, 1943

Kyle is seventeen now but he acts like
twenty-five. He thinks he is all grown up.

Yesterday was his birthday and Sara Jane
took him into Winchester for dinner. I was in my cave when he got
back and he had whiskey with him. I could tell he'd already had
plenty to drink because his tie was undone, his shirttails were
loose outside his trousers and his hair was hanging straight and
blond in his face. He sat on the settee with a blanket around his
shoulders and asked me to read the story I was writing aloud to
him.

“
Give me some of that whiskey first,” I
said.

He came over to the mattress and sat next to
me and handed me the bottle. I drank til my ears burned. I wanted
to get drunk fast. I've been drunk two or three times and I like it
because for a few hours I feel as though I have no worries at
all.

We passed the bottle back and forth for a
while and I was enjoying Kyle more than ever because he was at ease
and grinning and not as serious as usual.

“
I need your sisterly advice,” he said,
and I could see he was trying to look serious with his out-of-focus
eyes. “Your help as a girl, I mean.”

I was confused and obviously not as drunk as
he was.

“
See,” he continued. “Sara Jane and I
have decided to make love.” He raised his eyebrows at me, waiting
for my reaction.

I wanted to tell him he shouldn't do that
until he was married, but I'm not too sure I believe that myself
and I sure don't want to put any notion in his head about marrying
Sara Jane. “How can I help?” I asked.