Secret Lives (30 page)

“Same as you did, I guess,” she said. “I
don't know. Cassie never does, as far as I know.”

“Well, the teacher got out of Bliss that I
put my finger inside her, and that was that. I was arrested, I got
out on bail and stayed with my brother and his wife for a few
months while we were waiting for the trial. I wasn't allowed to see
Bliss at all. At first I thought she must have dreamt it. Sometimes
I would snuggle with her when we'd read a story together before
she'd fall asleep. I thought maybe she imagined it.”

“Could the teacher have planted the idea in
her mind somehow?”

“I wish I could answer yes to that, but I
think she was careful. I think she's a bright lady who knew what
she was dealing with and knew she had to proceed cautiously. But
they'd just had a program at the day-care center on bad touching
and good touching, and I've wondered if maybe Bliss got confused
and thought something happened to her when it didn't. I hope to God
that was it, because I can't stand the thought that she actually
was molested.” He shook his head. “She was able to recount it all
in such detail, though. The story the social workers finally got
from her was that on a few occasions—they figured it happened more
than once, but probably not more than two or three times—Bliss
would wake up in the middle of the night and I—her daddy—would be
lying behind her, holding her very tightly and rubbing against her.
Her pajama bottoms would be off and he'd have his finger inside
her. He'd tell her this was a good thing to do, that Daddy did this
to Mommy and Mommy liked it. He'd say it was a secret, that she
shouldn't talk to anyone about it. She told the social workers that
she was scared and that it hurt.”

Ben looked out the window into the darkness
for a long moment, and Eden's heart pounded hard against her ribs.
She was sitting shoulder to shoulder with this man. She thought of
him making love to her the night before, his fingers stroking her,
slipping inside her. Kyle and Lou believe him, she reminded
herself. They know him very well and they believe him
absolutely.

“Ben,” she said. “I don't think a
four-year-old could make something like that up.”

“No, I guess I don't either. It's so
inconceivable, though. She said it was dark, she never actually saw
the man, and he was behind her. But she said she knew it was Daddy.
She called the man Daddy and he answered her. I've wondered if it
might have taken place somewhere else and she was confused and
thought it happened to her in her own room. Or maybe making the man
me in her mind made it less scary for her. I lay awake night after
night trying to figure out what might have happened. I still do
sometimes.”

“Who else could have done it?”

“I have no idea. I've suspected everyone at
one time or another. Even my brother, Sam, and my best friend,
Alex. Even Sharon's poor old cancer-ridden father. The maintenance
man at Bliss's day care is my top candidate. But why would she say
it was me? Why would she say it happened in her own room? Unless he
told her to say that.” He sighed. “It's crazy-making, Eden. I've
spent this last year and a half trying to figure it out. But even
if I could, no one would listen to me.” He suddenly pounded his
fist into his thigh and she jumped. “They wouldn't let me talk to
her. I thought if I could just have a few minutes with her, I could
figure out what was going on.”

“Ben…could you possibly have walked in your
sleep or—”

“No, God damn it, I couldn't have walked in
my sleep.” His voice was still calm, but the anger was real.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's all right. I have to admit I wondered
about that myself. As the trial got rolling I felt such hatred
building against me. In the jury, in the courtroom. In the whole
community. It was hot stuff in the papers. I was guilty in
everyone's eyes. And everyone was waiting for Bliss's testimony. I
couldn't believe they'd put her on the stand. She was barely four
years old, but they said she knew the difference between truth and
falsehood, she was bright, articulate. A prosecutor's dream child,
my attorney said. She—my own daughter—was going to hang me. All I
could think of was her being up there in front of all those people,
being scared, having to answer questions that would make a grown-up
squirm. I knew what Barbara—my lawyer—would do to her when it was
her turn to question Bliss. She kept telling me not to worry, that
she was going to tear Bliss's story apart. Confuse her. But that
was my little girl she was going to shake up. I couldn't stand to
think of Bliss going through all that.”

“Kyle said you pled guilty.”

“Yeah, I did.” He laughed. “Temporarily.
Temporary insanity. I don't think I had a clue how serious things
were. People kept telling me I was in deep shit, but I knew I was
innocent and I figured the truth would eventually come out and I'd
be okay. I was never as scared for myself as I should have been.
But I was terrified for Bliss. The day she was to testify, I was
falling apart. I was sitting next to Barbara. Sharon was on the
other side of the courtroom. Bliss came walking out, holding the
hand of a woman, a social worker, I guess. She was clutching the
stuffed monkey that she carried around with her everywhere. She was
so, so tiny. She'd always been tall compared to other kids her age,
but she looked unbelievably small in that room with the huge
witness stand and all those grown-ups. My heart just about broke,
Eden, looking at her. I hadn't seen her in months. She looked over
and saw me and her face lit up. She waved. She pointed me out to
the social worker and I could see her mouthing the words, 'That's
my Daddy.'” Ben was quiet for a long mo-ment. “Can I have my
whiskey, please?” he asked finally.

She handed him the bottle. He unscrewed the
cap, then screwed it back on without drinking. “Anyhow, I felt as
though I would fall apart if I had to sit there while they
questioned her. So I pled guilty, right then and there. I said I
wasn't really guilty, but I wanted to spare Bliss from going
through the whole mess. I caused quite a stir and I absolutely
didn't care. I just wanted her out of there. I wasn't thinking
about the consequences at the moment. After Barbara gave me a
talking-to I recanted, but I'd done myself a whole lot of damage.
The judge refused Barbara's request for a mistrial. He told the
jury to ignore my 'outburst,' as he called it, but they were twelve
human beings and they all had ears. How could they forget they'd
heard me say I did it?

“So the trial went on, confusing the hell out
of Bliss. She really was beautiful, though. She had as much dignity
as a four-year-old can have. Everyone was in love with her. And no
one could possibly have thought she was making any of it up. I
would have convicted me too if I'd been on that jury. It seemed so
obvious that someone hurt her, and it looked like I was the only
possible candidate. That's what kills me. If it really did happen,
there's only one other person besides me who knows for sure that
I'm innocent, and he's not about to come forward. And he might very
well still be around her. It makes me crazy. There's no one to
protect Bliss because they think they've got the culprit put away.
I've talked to the protective services people about it, asking them
to watch out for her, and they just tell me to forget it, the case
is closed.”

“You haven't seen Bliss at all since the
trial?”

“Right. It's been one long, lousy year.
Barbara said if I got into a counseling program for abusers she
could fight to get me supervised visits with her. So I tried. I
went to the counselor, but it was a catch twenty-two. I told her I
was innocent, she said 'Right,' and then she told me that until I
was willing to admit to her—and to myself—what I'd done, she
couldn't help me. She said I wasn't cooperating. I considered
playing along, acting like I'd done it so I could get to see Bliss,
but I just couldn't. So they said I was a danger to her.” He
laughed and shook his head. “I was a danger to her, so they locked
me up and told me I could have no contact with her until she's
eighteen.”

“My God, Ben.”

He stood up and set the whiskey bottle on the
table. “I lie awake sometimes wondering what she thinks about not
seeing me…” His voice cracked. “Wondering if she thinks I don't
love her anymore and that's why I went away.”

“They must have explained it to her.”

“Yeah. They told her Daddy can't see you
anymore because he hurt you.”

He was innocent. He had to be. She stood up
and put her arms around him, but he felt wooden beneath her touch
and she knew he was a different man from the man she'd slept with
the night before. Different, but not dangerous.

She leaned her head back to look at him.
“Ben, I'd like to stay over tonight.”

He pulled away from her with a shrug. “That's
probably not a great idea. Talking about all this makes me
depressed as hell.” But then he smiled at her. “It doesn't do much
for my libido either. My sex life was examined under a microscope
and it doesn't matter that I'm innocent, I'm still left feeling
like there's something wrong with me. I don't know how I managed
last night.”

“You managed very well.”

He looked at her, reached over to touch her
arm lightly. “I'd like you to stay. But I don't want you to have
expectations.”

I don't,” she said. “I just want to be with
you.”

Ben was quiet as he ate the food Eden
brought. She didn't seem to mind his silence. She cut his roll for
him and sliced his peach, then cleaned up the kitchen while he
showered. And later they talked about Kyle and Lou, the site, the
screenplay, as though the topic of his conviction had been dealt
with long enough. It wasn't until she was nearly asleep, her arm
across his stomach, that he forced himself to ask her, “Do you
believe me?”

She sighed, raised herself up on one elbow to
look at him. “I must,” she said. “Or I wouldn't be here with you.
But there's one thing I keep pushing to the back of my mind because
it bothers me so much.”

“What's that?”

“That you pled guilty. I'm sure I love Cassie
as much as you love Bliss. Yet I would never have said I was guilty
if I wasn't.”

He nodded, pulled her head back to his
shoulder. “I agree. When I'm rational, it doesn't make a bit of
sense.”

He felt her fall asleep. Her breathing slowed
down, her arm grew heavy on his stomach. He felt drained. It was
remembering the trial that exhausted him, and now the image of
Bliss walking into that courtroom would not leave his mind. It was
the last time he'd seen her.

They'd had some kind of booster seat for her
and she'd climbed up, still clutching her monkey, a long-ago gift
from Sam and Jen. They attached a small microphone to the collar of
her dress and the prosecutor asked her her name.

“Bliss Azander.” She never could get that 'l'
in there. The courtroom was quiet for the first time during the
trial. Someone coughed and the sound bounced off the walls as the
prosecutor continued with his gentle questions. Bliss was trying
hard to please him. Someone had explained to her how important this
was, how she had to tell the truth. A question—an easy one—confused
her. Ben could see the fear in her eyes even from where he sat.

He leaned toward Barbara. “I can't stand
this,” he said.

“Shhh.” She patted his hand with her cool,
patronizing fingertips.

“No, I'm serious.” A drop of perspiration ran
from his temple to his chin and he wiped it away with his
handkerchief. “Call it off,” he said. “I'll say I did it. Just get
her off the stand.”

“She's fine, Ben. She's doing—”

He stood up. “Your Honor, I'm innocent of
these charges but I want to plead guilty to prevent my daughter
from going through any more of this.”

Judge Stevens stared at him while Barbara
jumped to her feet. “I'd like to request a recess, Your Honor,” she
said.

“Good idea,” said the judge. He was a
sixty-year-old man whose own daughter had been raped as a teenager;
his life as a man and a magistrate would always be colored by that
crime. “And please advise your client of the gravity of his
action.”

“I don't need a recess,” Ben said to Barbara.
“It's over. I want this to be over.” His hands shook on the table
in front of him while the tittering mounted in the jury box. Bliss
looked frightened.

“Daddy?” she said into the microphone.

He was breathing hard and fast, almost
choking on the air. He watched Sharon push through the crowd to get
to Bliss. He watched her lift Bliss up and carry her out, and he
felt enormous relief that this was over for her. It's over, baby,
he thought. You don't have to go through any more of this.

“Ben?” He felt Eden next to him in the
darkness. “Are you all right?”

He wrapped his arms around her. She was
wearing one of his T-shirts and the fabric warmed his hands. “I
want you to understand why I pled guilty,” he said. He rolled onto
his back, holding on to her, holding tight. “When I was five and my
brother was seven we had a baby-sitter. Randy. He sat for us often,
at least once a week. He would take us into the bathroom, one at a
time and make us…do things we didn't want to do. He told us if we
told anyone—even each other—he'd kill our mother. So I never even
talked to Sam about it, though I'm sure the same thing was
happening to him. Every night after Randy baby-sat I'd spend an
hour or so throwing up. My parents eventually questioned me.” He
laughed. “They asked me if Randy was giving me candy or something.
I finally said he touched me. I remember thinking that if I just
told that little bit, maybe he wouldn't kill my mother. But my
parents didn't believe me because Randy was such a nice boy from
such a nice family. They asked Sam about it, and Sam was so scared
he said he had no idea what I was talking about. But I kept getting
sick, and finally my parents took me to see a shrink. Then the
police. I can't remember what I did yesterday, but I remember that
whole experience vividly. All the questions. I kept changing my
story, getting trapped in my own lies, because I thought if I told
the truth Randy would hurt my mother. When I'd finally gotten the
whole story out no one believed me. Randy would pass me on the
street and laugh at me. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and
sleep outside my parents' door on the floor in the hallway,
thinking I could protect my mother somehow if Randy came to get
her.”