Secret Lives (56 page)

“You would do the same. As a matter of fact,
you did, and I've never held that against you, your wanting to
protect Cassie.”

They were quiet for a minute and then she
asked, “What's Annapolis like?”

“To visit or to live in?” He was smiling. She
could hear it in his voice.

“To live in.”

“It's quaint.” He kissed the top of her head.
“It has a lot of charm, yet everything you could possibly need or
want is close by. Unless you happen to need or want a movie
studio.”

She laughed. “I will want a movie studio.”
For the first time in a long time she knew that was true. She
wanted to read the script for Treasure House. She wanted to get her
career back on track. She felt an energy inside her that was new
and real. “I'll have to travel from time to time,” she said. “But
I'll work it out.”

“We'll work it out,” Ben said.

In the morning she dressed in Ben's
underwear, made coffee, and carried two mugs of it along with her
mother's notebook back to bed. Ben propped the pillow up against
the wall and she settled in next to him, the notebook resting on
her lap.

“It's the last one,” she said, and he must
have seen the apprehension in her eyes.

“Read it to me.” He put his arm around her
shoulders. “Read it out loud.”

And with reluctant fingers she opened the
stiff, water-stained cover and began to read.

–
48–

November 5, 1957

Last Friday a friend of Susanna's came to
the house. She is an older woman, about fifty, who knew Susanna
when she was small and just stopped by to chat. She and Susanna
were sitting in the living room and I had just fed Eden lunch in
the kitchen when Susanna called me in to introduce Eden to Mrs.
So-and-So. I led Eden in by the hand, but when she spotted the
woman she hid behind my legs and no amount of reassurance would
bring her out.

“
Why, she's afraid of her own shadow,”
the woman said.

This has happened a few other times
recently. Once with Reverend Caper, another time with Susanna's
mother who said she never saw a child so afraid of people. I'm
certain I'm responsible for this fear in her. How can a child
raised by a recluse like me come up normal? She never sees other
children. She barely sees anyone but me and Daddy and Susanna.
Susanna says she's too quiet; Daddy says she's too pale. What am I
doing to my child?

December 29, 1957

Kyle and Lou are here for two weeks. So far
it has not been a good visit. It's been horrid in fact, at least as
far as I'm concerned. They arrived two days before Christmas
bearing their usual bounty of gifts. Kyle was very anxious to see
Eden. But she shrank from him and cried when he reached out for
her. He looked so disappointed and I felt guilty, responsible for
what's happened to my daughter. “The shy stage,” Lou said. “That
happens around this age.” Daddy and Susanna piped in that they're
worried about Eden, that she's so shy with everyone. “She's not a
normal two-and-a-half-year-old,” Susanna said. Soon even Lou was
saying there seems to be something wrong, and Kyle grew quiet
around me. I read his silence as anger, and I felt I deserved
it.

I barely noticed the festivities on
Christmas day, I was so caught up in studying Eden. She clings to
me. She wanted me to unwrap her presents for her, and after the
third or fourth one Kyle said, “Let her do it herself, Kate. You do
everything for her.” His tone was so reproachful that it was all I
could do not to cry.

Last night, I was in the kitchen and Lou and
Kyle were in the living room. They must have thought I was
upstairs, because they were talking about me and Eden and I'm sure
their conversation was not meant for my ears.

“
By some miracle we managed to create a
healthy child,” Kyle said, “and now she's being ruined.”

“
You're making too much out of it,” Lou
said.

“
I don't want her to turn out like
Kate.”

“
Kate's happy in her own way.”

Kyle made a disgusted noise. “You can say
the same about a pig in a pigsty,” he said. His exact words. I will
never forget them, or forgive them. “Eden looks sickly,” he said.
“She's white as a ghost.”

“
Do you want to take her with
us?”

My heart nearly leapt from my chest. My
baby. I would never let them take my baby.

“
I couldn't do that to Kate,” Kyle said.
“Besides, the way we move around would be even worse for
her.”

Lou sighed. “I don't know what else to
suggest, Kyle.”

“
I've been thinking that maybe
I—we—should stay here for a while.”

I felt a tremendous joy, but then I heard
sniffling and knew Lou was crying.

“
Don't,” Kyle said, in the tender voice I
know well. “Please, Lou.”

“
Is that what you want to do?” She
sounded very hurt.

“
No, it's not what I want to do!” Kyle
was nearly yelling. “But I brought a life into the world and I'm
not going to let it rot in a goddamned cave.”

“
Shhh.”

“
There's craziness in this family and the
chain's got to break somewhere.”

“
But you're talking about your life, Ky,”
Lou said. “Your career. You just have another year on your
doctorate. You can't give it all up.”

“
I'm not talking about forever. But
Eden's my daughter. If I were here I could take her places, get her
away from the house and the cave. What difference does it make if I
get my doctorate next year or in five years?”

There was a long silence. Then Lou said, “I
don't think I could live here. It's stifling. It's backwards.
Besides, your father and Susanna despise me.”

“
Are you saying you wouldn't stay with
me?”

I could hear Lou crying. There is something
horrible about Lou's tears. She has such a tough shell around her
that it almost scares me to see her weaker side.

I decided to put an end to this problem
right then. I gathered up my pride and went into the living room
where they both looked shocked to see me.

“
I heard everything you said,” I began,
as I took a seat on the sofa. “I'm not blind or stupid. I know my
isolation is hurting Eden. It worries me too and I'd like your
help. But talking about me behind my back isn't the way to go about
it.”

Kyle was up in an instant and sat next to me
on the sofa, taking my hand. “Kate, I'm sorry,” he said. It was
hard for me to let him comfort me after the things he said. A pig
in a pigsty. “I'll move back here for a while.”

“
No, you won't,” I said, though it took
every speck of my strength to say that. I could see the relief in
Lou's face. She wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.
“You've got a career and a wife and a whole life to tend to,” I
said. “So moving back here is out.”

“
I'll teach you to drive,” Lou said.
“Then you can borrow your daddy's car and visit friends.”

“
I don't have any friends,” I said, and I
missed Matt all of a sudden.

“
It'd be easier to make friends if you
could drive,” Kyle said.

“
All right.” I figure I can probably
learn how to drive the damn car. It's going anyplace that I'm not
sure I can do.

“
You can go to church with Susanna on
Sundays,” Kyle said. “That's the best way around here to
socialize.”

I rolled my eyes. “All right,” I said,
though I can't picture myself actually doing it.

“
And don't go back to the cavern in the
spring,” Kyle said. “Stay here in the house to do your
writing.”

“
All right,” I said again, although I
know when the weather warms up I'll start pining for the cavern.
Well, at the very least I'll go there less.

So, the three of us made our little plan to
save Eden and I guess it's up to me to make it work.

January 5, 1958

Lou taught me to drive this afternoon. No
one was more surprised than me at how easy it was for me to learn.
I have a feel for it. “You're a natural,” Lou said. I actually
drove us into Coolbrook and back, which was fine since we didn't
have to go into any shops.

Lou and Kyle are leaving tomorrow. Tonight, when I was
putting Eden to bed, Kyle came into the room. He read her a story,
all three of us snuggling on the twin bed I slept in as a
child.
He
held my hand the whole time. I loved watching Eden look up at him
with those big blue eyes that are very much like his. He's won Eden
over with his stories, his presents and his gentleness.

There will be these little moments in my
life for me to treasure. Once a year, more or less. My hand in the
hand of the man I love, our child warm and sleepy-eyed against his
chest, his voice— Oh, damn. I want more than this! I want more than
I can ever, ever have.

April 8, 1958

I made promises to Kyle that I have not
kept. I tried going to church with Susanna, but my terrors overcame
me and all I could hear in there was my heart pounding. I had to
leave in the middle of the service. I left as quietly as I could,
but I created a stir nonetheless and I will not go back. I don't
want all of Coolbrook to see me look the fool and hold it against
Eden while she's coming up. That thought terrifies me. I remember
better than I care to what it was like being the daughter of a
woman everyone thought was batty. How can I protect Eden from that?
The chain has to break somewhere, Kyle said. I'm trying, Kyle, but
I just don't know how to break it.

As for driving, I can manage to get to
Coolbrook but I can't do a thing once I'm there. I can no longer
even set foot in a shop without feeling like I'm going to fall over
any minute. Once I managed to get into the butcher's, but while I
was in line the dizziness set in and I had to leave, returning home
empty-handed, which peeved Susanna no end.

I spend far less time in the cavern,
although I am in it more than Kyle would like, I'm sure. I've tried
not to make it Eden's home. My typewriter remains in the house and
I just come to the cave to write by hand or to sit and think.

Despite all this, Eden is just fine. Sara
Jane Miller has a little girl named Maggie who is a few months
younger than Eden. Susanna's driven Eden over there a few times and
Maggie's come here. She's a child with the devil in her, but she
plays well with Eden and I can see Eden come to life when she's
with her. This little girl can do far more than I can to help Eden
over her shyness.

August 2, 1958

Today is my thirty-first birthday and I've
given myself a present—moving my typewriter into the cavern. What
joy to be working in the cool of the cave again, surrounded by the
mites and tites! Tonight I will write a letter of apology to Kyle.
I'll tell him how well Eden is doing, that if I really felt working
in the cave was harming her I wouldn't do it. She loves the cavern
too. Yesterday she and Maggie spent the entire afternoon playing in
it while I wrote.

September 1, 1958

Daddy says I have created a monster in Eden.
He says she is “brassy” and “bratty,” all because she took a
handful of peas off his dinner plate. I laughed when she did it. I
would rather see her be demanding and pushy than cowering and shy
any day. But Daddy was furious. He gets angry so easy these days
and he cannot leave the bottle alone. He pulled Eden out of her
chair by the arm and whacked her across her bottom. He might as
well have hit me in the face with the razor strap. I jumped up and
started beating on him with my fists, screaming at him never to hit
her again. This was the first time Eden's been struck and I had
vowed to myself she never would be. I was crazy with anger and
Susanna had to pull me off Daddy. He sat down again, all red in the
face, and that's when he said Eden was a monster. I told him I
would move out (ha!) and he said to stop talking nonsense, that he
would never hit her again.

December 3, 1958

Kyle and Lou can't make it home for
Christmas this year. Kyle is now Kyle Charles Swift, Ph.D. Doctor
Kyle Swift! He and Lou need a few more months to finish their work
in Peru before Kyle takes his very own expedition to Argentina in
June. He said he and Lou will come back to Lynch Hollow for a full
month in the spring, before they leave for Argentina. He also said
he would like to take a bone from old Rosie in the maze room to
send to New York for “carbon dating,” a process that would figure
just how old she is. He explained this process in great detail in
his letter, but I really don't understand it or believe it works. I
am curious to know Rosie's age, but I hate to tamper with her when
she's rested peacefully in the cave for hundreds of years. What
right do we have to disturb her?

April 1, 1959

Well, I guess poor Eden has lost her little
friend Maggie on account of me. Sara Jane called Susanna all in a
snit that I'd let Maggie play in the cavern. Maggie's come down
with pneumonia or worse, Sara Jane says. She's wheezing from bat
dung or cave dust or some such nonsense. She said Maggie can't play
here anymore, though I hope Sara Jane will still let Eden come over
there once Maggie's feeling better.

Eden has no lack of playmates though. Only
thing is, they're all in her mind. I am proud to be the mother of a
child with an imagination that rivals my own. She and I are
terrific buddies. She talks non-stop these days. There is nothing
she doesn't want to discuss. She is so smart. She could give tours
of the cave, I believe.

Kyle and Lou will be here next week for more
than a month! Eden doesn't remember them, but she has a thousand
pictures of them and shares my excitement when she says, “Unka Kyle
and Auntie Lou are coming.”

April 10, 1959

Eden was shy with Kyle and Lou but not for
long. They arrived the night before last and they had so many
presents for her that they were difficult people for my greedy
little daughter to resist.