Secrets and Lies (13 page)

‘Right then, let’s all get in the car. Grab the handle and give it a turn, please, Billy.’

‘It’s Liam . . . not Billy,’ Esmé reminded her.

Her sister’s gaze engaged Liam’s directly. ‘William . . . Liam . . . Billy . . . what’s the difference?’

Liam appeared embarrassed by her sister’s challenge, for colour appeared in his cheeks. He held his ground though. ‘It’s simply a matter of preference on my part.’

Livia was immediately contrite. ‘I’m sorry, that was rude of me.’

‘Yes . . . it was, and apologizing doesn’t make it any less rude.’

It was Livia’s turn to squirm while Liam bent to his task, but Livia had deserved it. Goodness, this wasn’t going anything like Esmé had expected.

When the engine fired into life, he said, ‘There’s not much room left in the car. I’ll walk, I need the exercise.’

Livia said stiffly, ‘As you wish. We’ll see you later, I imagine.’

Meggie flung herself from the car, bristling with defiance. ‘He might take the wrong turn, so I’m walking with him.’

Livia was brusque. ‘Suit yourself, you usually do.’

Esmé, with Luke and Adam flanking her, didn’t have time to join them because Livia immediately put the car into gear and they were off.

What had happened to her loving closely-knit family? Esmé wondered in dismay. That had been instant antagonism. When they got to the house Esmé waited until the children had gone inside, then said, ‘You froze him out, Livia. Why?’

‘Yes . . . I suppose I did. What do you know of his background?’

‘Liam is all alone in the world. I’m going to marry him, that’s all I need to know.’

‘Do you remember Billy Bastard from the orphanage?’

Unease made muddy inroads into her stomach. ‘Not clearly. I try not to think of our time in the orphanage.’

‘I think Liam Denison is one and the same.’

‘What if he is? It’s not his fault he was orphaned. His parents died during the war.’

Livia gave an impatient cluck of her tongue. ‘He’s lying if he told you that. He was called Billy Bastard? His mother was a prostitute and had two children out of wedlock. Apparently the woman didn’t even know who the boys’ fathers were. He has a brother, I recall. Timmy, I think his name was.’

‘Liam did have a brother. Tommy died in the Spanish flu outbreak.’

‘There . . . what does that tell you?’

‘That he had a brother who died in the Spanish flu pandemic. How very sad. I’m glad I didn’t lose my brother, and pleased I managed to stay alive at the time when so many didn’t.’

‘You’re being deliberately provocative. That man comes from bad stock . . . you can’t marry someone from that background? He’s a dancer. How will he support you when he’s too old to dance? I’m ashamed of you, Esmé.’

Esmé had wondered that herself on occasion. She was ashamed too – ashamed that her sister thought like that. She understood too well where it came from. Despite being middle class their own parents had lived beyond their means and had left them destitute. At fourteen, Livia had been sent from the orphanage to work as a maid in Foxglove House, where she’d married the doomed and disabled Richard Sangster – a move that had ensured a future for them all. Meggie had been produced from that short marriage.

But she couldn’t dance to Livia’s tune any more. Her sister had gained everything she’d ever wanted from life . . . a loving husband, a family, and some standing in the local community. Granted, Livia had been like a mother to her and Esmé didn’t want to hurt her sister. But Livia lived in a small world within her own boundaries, and Esmé had stepped outside it now.

‘Perhaps you’d prefer it if we postponed the wedding until I can sort things out with Liam. You might be mistaken, you know, and does it matter? I’m sure you’ll like him once you get to know him properly.’

Livia’s sigh held relief. ‘I knew you’d see sense, Esmé.’

Just then Meggie came bounding down the road. She came to a halt, panting for breath. ‘He’s gone, Aunt Es.’

‘Liam’s gone . . . gone where?’

‘Back to the station. He said he didn’t want to be the cause of any trouble.’

Livia gazed at her. ‘I told you he didn’t fit in.’

‘You never gave him the chance to find out.’ She started back towards the station at a run, for the up train was due before too long. Meggie began to follow her.

‘Go home, there’s a love, Meggie Moo,’ she shouted over her shoulder. ‘This is private, and it’s between myself and Liam.’

Liam was sitting on his bag. Her own bag was next to him, as though he’d expected her to return and join him. Gazing up at her, he smiled. ‘Well, let’s be having the inquisition.’

Anger rippled through her. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘It’s not something I wanted to remember.’ He shrugged. ‘Your sister knew me right away. I could see the disdain in her eyes, as though she thought me beneath her.’

‘Did you recognize her right away?’

He nodded. ‘She brought some food to the orphanage a couple of times. Once, you were having a birthday. She hugged you and your brother. I asked her to hug my brother, as well . . . and she did. Tommy never forgot it. When he was delirious with fever from the flu he asked if she’d been our mother. I lied to him, and said she was, and she’d be coming back for us. Our own mother promised to come for us when she left us there, but she never did.’

Tears filled her eyes. ‘Livia was in the orphanage too for a while. We had a different background than most, and she remembered it. The change affected her badly. Chad and I were young, and the orphanage is all we knew. It was easier for us because we always knew she’d come for us one day.’

Liam drew in a deep breath. ‘I ran away from the place when I was thirteen, and lived by my wits for a year or so. Then I found a job cleaning a theatre. Eric was in the chorus line. He taught me the routines and I was taken on as a dancer.’

‘What did living on your wits entail?’

‘Nothing a nice girl like you should know about.’

‘By running away now you’re forcing me to choose between you and my family, Liam.’

‘That’s not really a choice, Esmé. If you loved me there would be no choice to make. I can’t be slotted in as part of your family, my love. You’re different to me. We want different things. Come what may I’m sailing on the
Aquitania.
That’s what I want.’

Bewildered, she gazed at him. ‘But you said you had to contact them—’

‘I lied. They offered me a job, and I’m taking it. I want to make something of myself.’

Her smile came, and just as quickly fled as his words sunk in. ‘They didn’t want me, did they. Why didn’t you say so?’

The train whistle blew in the distance. He shrugged. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you.’

‘Ah . . . I see. It seems as though lying is a habit with you. You’re very good at it, Liam.’

He was curt. ‘Then I’ll try not to sugar coat it. They didn’t want a couple, and you’d have been out of your depth, anyway. You would have looked like the amateur you are, and would never have managed the routines.’ After a short pause, he whispered, ‘I was undecided, wondering if my wage would support us both, and whether to take the job or turn it down. I didn’t want to hurt you. Meeting your family decided me.’

‘But it’s all right to hurt me now. You’re saying it was Livia’s fault?’

‘Nothing is her fault, and you wanted the truth. She’s watching out for your interests, as she’s always done. I’ve got nothing to fall back on in the way of fortune or skills and she knows it. But then, it’s not something I’ve tried to acquire because I’ve just drifted from job to job before, and without being answerable to anyone. I don’t need you, Esmé.’

The brutal cut wounded her deeply. ‘Am I to take it you were going to end our engagement, and all the talk about being in love with me was lies?’

‘No . . . oh, God . . . I do love you, Es. I love you with everything that’s in me, which isn’t much I might add, because I’m sort of hollow. All this domestic stuff isn’t for me. I never wanted marriage until I met you, and at the moment I certainly don’t want the responsibility of raising children, or wrestling with the politics of brothers and sisters. I’ve been struggling about accepting this job on the
Aquitania
. If I turn it down we can stay on the
Horizon Queen
. But this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime. At the moment I can only offer you the life of a gypsy. Take it or leave it.’

‘You could settle down if you put your mind to it. You could learn to be anything you wanted. You can’t dance forever, your body won’t let you, and having children would ground you. You’re using that as an excuse. You want me to be the one to choose, because you know what my answer will be. I care for you too much to tie you down, but d’you know something? I don’t really love you . . . not yet. I was hoping it would grow. You’re a coward, Liam.’

He flinched as though she’d struck him. ‘If that’s what you want to think.’

If she stayed she’d become a millstone around his neck, so she did what he expected. She took off the ring and held it out to him. He closed her hand over it. ‘Keep it. It isn’t worth much.’

‘It isn’t worth anything. I thought you were better than that.’

He withdrew into himself, into his hurt. ‘So did I, but there’s obviously some truth in the saying that a leopard never changes its spots.’ He gently kissed her when the train came into view, then picked up his bag. ‘Thanks for everything, Esmé. Come if you like but you’ll have a better life without me in it.’

Gazing into his eyes she said deliberately, wounding him as best she could, ‘I know I will. Goodbye, Billy Bastard.’

She got through to him with that, and immediately felt guilty when he flinched, as though she’d struck him. ‘I guess I deserved that. Try not to hate me, love. I’m hurting as it is.’

A healthy dollop of anger surged into her.
He
was hurting! How did he think she was feeling?

Getting into the carriage he gazed at her through the window. She could see the reflection in the glass of her bag at her feet. All she had to do was pick it up and join him. But she couldn’t spend her life being consumed by Liam’s search for self-worth. She’d struggled too hard to hang on to her own.

She should leave, walk away from him. They stared at each other through the grimy glass, and Liam looked as miserable as she felt.

When the whistle blew he placed his palm against the window. She wanted to go with him, but her feet wouldn’t move, and she shoved her own hands in her pocket. Get off the train, she silently implored, but he didn’t. Two seconds later the train lurched forward, taking Liam and the remains of her pride with him. Picking up her bag, she turned and walked away.

It had been a messy end to her first real love affair, if one could call it that, certainly nothing like the movies. It had left her feeling soiled.

Meggie was waiting for her, her eyes wide with worry. Esmé was wrapped in her hug. ‘I thought you might get on the train with him. Then I thought you might need me if you didn’t.’

‘I nearly did . . . and I do need you Meggie, love. Thank you for waiting.’

‘Don’t you love Liam any more?’

‘I’ll always love him a little, but perhaps what’s happened is for the best.’ She felt too hollow to cry.

‘Will you be staying home now?’

‘It isn’t really my home, Meggie Moo. It belongs to your family. I’m grateful for being included as part of it all these years.’

‘Where will you go?’

‘I’m going to telephone the shipping company I work for and ask them to re-engage me as a nurse for the cruise to Australia. I need to know that my friend Minnie is all right. We’d made plans, you know, and she might need me. I’ll write to you when I get there.’

Her sister would argue, but it was about time Livia learned that Esmé’s world didn’t revolve about her sun, but had an orbit all of its own to complete. ‘Hold out your hand.’ When Meggie did, Esmé dropped her discarded engagement ring in the palm. There was a twinge of remorse when she realized it had probably cost Liam more than he could afford. ‘You can have this if you’d like it.’

Meggie slid it on to her finger and admired it. ‘It’s lovely . . . so shiny. The rubies are pretty.’

Although she felt like kicking the nearest tree, Esmé managed a smile. ‘Don’t be fooled by its glitter, they’re garnets. I have it on good authority that the ring is not worth much.’

‘You’re wrong, Aunt Es . . . everyone and everything has got a value, it’s just that some people place a lesser price on their own worth than it deserves.’

Meggie constantly surprised her with her insights, and she was probably right, Esmé thought.

If that noisy kookaburra didn’t keep its beak shut she’d wring its stupid neck. ‘We’ll see if you laugh then,’ Minnie muttered. And if Wally didn’t stop snoring she’d do the same to him.

But at least the roof was now repaired, and the holes were more or less patched.

She went to the room that served as a kitchen and stoked the stove up with the dead sticks she’d collected from those that littered the ground outside. The fire began to crack and snap.

The mine shop had provided her with eggs. The chicks were long gone so the promised chicken coop had never been needed.

‘Snakes would have eaten them,’ Wally had said, laughing when she’d cried over the fate of the sweet fluffy creatures that had disappeared one by one. She cursed when she noticed that the goat had gnawed through its rope. There would be no milk until it was found.

Wally had eaten the last of the bread and she didn’t have time to make any now. It would have to be pancakes. She made a pan of porridge, as well, and ate hers with honey. That would have to do for breakfast.

She could have lived in the small flat attached to the nurse’s post at the mine site, with meals thrown in, but there wasn’t room for two people to live comfortably inside it for any length of time, and Wally had scorned the job he was offered there at the time, in favour of self-sufficiency.

They’d been here for two months, and she was coming to the conclusion that she couldn’t keep this up. Wally wasn’t pulling his weight. Apart from fixing the roof, a temporary effort by the looks of it, he’d cleared some of the debris away from the house, and had dug over and planted a vegetable patch. Seedlings had been planted, and the tender little shoots had disappeared by morning.