Secrets of the Lighthouse (41 page)

Conor now knows that Ellen is engaged to be married. It matters little that she does not want William and that she has no intention of walking up the aisle with him, because Conor knows she
loves
him
; it matters only that she didn’t
tell
him. It matters a great deal. In fact, trust is more important to Conor than anything else, and Ellen has let him down.

He doesn’t drive back to Reedmace House because our children are there with Daphne. He would probably like to saddle his horse and ride out on the hills to vent his fury. Instead, he goes
to the castle and stands before my portrait. I look down at him through the eyes of the painting and he stares up at me with loathing. I am not surprised by his expression, because love and hate
are the opposite sides of the same coin. I let him down too, but now I am making it up to him.

He remains there for a long while, gazing at me, and he doesn’t realize that I am here in his vision, if only he could see beyond the paint. Then he sits on the stairs and puts his head in
his hands. I sit beside him. You see, I am with him always, and forever will be. He doesn’t need anyone else but me.

While Conor is hurting on the steps of his castle, I am pulled back to Peg’s house to watch the drama being played out in her kitchen. Dylan has come to see with his own eyes the woman he
loved and lost. He stands in the doorway, hat in hand, his heavy coat making him look bigger than he really is. Madeline Trawton is so surprised to see him she doesn’t know what to do. She is
a hard-looking woman with big hair and lots of make-up, but as she pushes herself up and walks towards him I can see that her legs are trembling. Her blue eyes gaze into his soft, brown ones, and
in them she undoubtedly recognizes the boy he once was.

‘Maddie, it
is
you,’ he whispers.

She is too astonished to speak. Her face softens as she contemplates his. ‘You came for me,’ she says, and I detect a hint of Ireland in the way she says ‘for’.

‘Ellen told you.’

‘Yes.’

‘Of course I came for you, Maddie.’ He smiles sadly.

‘I never knew.’

‘No, you weren’t meant to.’

‘I thought you didn’t want me. I thought you didn’t want Ellen.’

His eyes settle on his daughter who is sitting on the chair with the bird. She is so still, it is almost as if she is a piece of furniture. ‘Jaysus, Maddie, what did you think of me? I
loved you then and I always will.’

She seems taken aback by this unexpected declaration of devotion. Dylan is gazing at her with his big, sentimental eyes and she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

‘How did you know I was here?’

‘There’s only one woman in a posh car who’d be asking the way to Peg’s.’ She frowns at him, confused. ‘You asked my Martha for directions and she came back
and told me.’

‘Oh.’ Madeline recalls the woman with the dog. ‘Yes, I did.’

There’s an awkward moment as they stare at each other across the vast distance that time has built up between them. They are so close but they might as well be oceans apart. Neither knows
how to bridge the gap or how to erase the pain it has engendered. Perhaps it is too deeply entrenched in their hearts ever to be healed.

Dylan now steps into the gulf. He walks right through it with a determined and purposeful stride. She looks frightened, like a pampered poodle being set upon by a wild dog. But Dylan
doesn’t care. He is an instinctive, impulsive man. He fells the years with his unwavering commitment to the past and wraps his big arms around her. She stiffens, alarmed, but he only hugs her
tighter. Ellen and Peg are both moved. If I didn’t have such a hard heart I would be moved, too. But I am only interested in whether or not Ellen returns to London with her mother.

Madeline Trawton goes limp at last. She puts her arms around Dylan and embraces him back. Peg is quick to grab Ellen’s attention and they leave the room together, hiding out in the sitting
room where Ellen hasn’t yet started to write her book. Once they are gone, Madeline begins to cry. She hugs him fiercely and he has no intention of releasing her. ‘It’s all right,
Ellen Olenska, I’m here now,’ he says, and I wonder whether he recognizes the girl beneath the woman she has become. I think her tears are the tears of Maddie Byrne. She is in
Dylan’s arms and Lady Anthony Trawton has vanished.

She pulls away and smiles at him shyly. Her mascara has run, leaving ugly black trails down her cheeks. ‘You’re still my Dylan, aren’t you?’ she says, and her voice is
now soft with affection.

‘I’ve always been your Dylan,’ he replies, and those big brown eyes glitter with emotion.

‘I wasn’t going to come. I was scared. Ellen was an excuse. In my heart I wanted to revisit my past.’

‘Ellen’s a beautiful girl, just like her mam.’

Madeline’s eyes fill with tears again. ‘I’m so sorry, Dylan. I had delusions of grandeur. I wanted a better life than the one we could have had together.’

‘Don’t be hard on yourself . . .’ he begins, but she cuts him off.

‘No, I’m being honest, Dylan. Let me at least give you the truth. I knew you’d run away with me if I asked you to. So, I didn’t give you the opportunity. I ran off with
Anthony because I saw a better future.’ Her lips quiver and her face floods with shame. ‘But I realized soon after Ellen was born that I didn’t fit into my new life. I pined for
you and I pined for Ireland. I felt imprisoned in concrete and missed the hills and the sea. I regretted my decision and my lie ate away at me so that every time Anthony picked Ellen up and kissed
her I resented him, because of my guilt. He wasn’t Ellen’s father but I couldn’t tell him. It was too late. So, I wrote to you. I wanted you to come and get me. I wanted to start
again. When you didn’t come, I telephoned my mother and told her the truth.’

‘Jaysus, Maddie. That was bold.’

‘She disowned me, Dylan.’

‘I bet she did.’

‘So, I couldn’t come home. Not ever.’

He takes her hands, for she now looks desperate. ‘You thought we all deserted you. When that couldn’t have been further from the truth.’

‘So, I gave up and threw myself into my new life. I resolved never to speak of Ireland again. I tried to erase you from my memory. Then Ellen comes here and settles into my old life like a
cuckoo – and she
can
, but I
can’t
. She belongs here in Ballymaldoon like I once did. You can’t imagine how much that hurts. Ellen has brought it all
back.’

‘And she’s brought
you
back.’

‘Yes, she has.’

‘Which is a good thing.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Yes, it is,’ he says firmly. ‘You’re both home now.’

They sit at the table and Madeline wipes her eyes with the handkerchief Dylan gives her, leaving black stains on the cotton. ‘What’ll you do about Ellen?’ he asks gently.
‘Wild horses won’t get her down the aisle, you know.’

Madeline’s shoulders sink in defeat. ‘I know.’

‘So, let her be. Why force her to be what she’s not?’ He grins. ‘She’s more like you than you realize.’

She pulls at the corner of the handkerchief. ‘I was so worried that Anthony would guess that Ellen wasn’t his, I tried to make her like him. But she broke out of the mould every time
I made it, and I saw
you
, staring defiantly back at me with your big brown eyes, and they had the same wilfulness in them. And I felt guilty and afraid.’

‘So, let her choose where she wants to be. Your mother was wrong to judge you and she was wrong to stop you coming home. So, don’t be like her.’

Madeline nods then sighs in resignation. ‘What’s this man like?’

‘Conor Macausland? He’s a good man.’

‘I’m afraid I might have ruined it for her.’

‘How?’

‘He drove off in a fury when I told him that Ellen was engaged to a man in England. He accused her of lying to him.’

Dylan shakes his head. ‘That’s a shame.’

‘What can I do?’

‘Nothing. She must go and explain to him.’

‘Do you think he’ll forgive her?’

‘He’s a complicated man with a complicated history, Maddie. I don’t know what he’ll do. But Ellen needs to go and talk to him now.’

So, they go to the sitting room together, where Peg and Ellen are perched uneasily on chairs. They stand expectantly when Dylan and Madeline enter. ‘Shall I make another pot of tea?’
says Peg, who clearly finds comfort in the routine of tea-making.

Madeline looks different now. Her face is no longer hard. The black trails have dried on her skin and under her eyes. Her hair has fallen out of place and curled in the damp Irish air. She looks
younger and fragile. ‘Ellen, I think you should go and explain things to Conor,’ she begins.

‘I’m not coming home,’ Ellen interrupts defensively.

‘I know that and it’s OK. I hope I haven’t ruined it for you. Dylan says Conor’s a good man.’

Ellen is surprised. She hadn’t expected her mother to change her mind so easily. ‘He
is
a good man,’ she replies.

‘Take my car, pet, and go and get him,’ says Peg.

As Ellen makes for the door, Mr Badger begins to bark and wag his tail. ‘Jaysus, Mary and holy St Joseph!’ Peg exclaims. ‘Can it get any more dramatic?’ She opens the
kitchen door and the dog bounds out to greet Desmond, Johnny, Craic and Ryan climbing out of their cars. Word has got around, as it always does in Ballymaldoon, and they have all come to see their
sister.

Peg is so nervous she heads straight for the stove to wet the tea. As she takes the mugs down from the cupboard her hands are shaking again. Madeline and Dylan give each other a long, hard
stare, and I think they both know that they are going to have to tell the boys the truth.

Ellen rushes past them and climbs into Peg’s car. They are all parked closely together in front of Peg’s house, but there is enough room for Ellen to drive out. She watches a moment
as they enter the house. The scene reminds me of
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
. But there are four bears in this tale, and Goldilocks has come back.

Ellen finds Conor’s car parked in front of the castle. She pulls up beside it and climbs out. Her face is pale against her dark hair and she looks terrified. As well she might. Conor has a
vicious temper and nothing makes him more furious than lying. He trusted her and she abused his trust. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive her. In fact, I
know
he won’t.

I watch her walk to the front door and try the latch. She finds it unlocked and opens it slowly, as if she is afraid of what she’ll find inside. Conor is still on the stairs. He has been
there for some time. When he sees her, he stands up. He puts his hands in his pockets and I am happy to see that he has surrounded himself with that familiar wall of defence I know so well. That
impenetrable, invisible wall which is so good at keeping people out. Ellen finds herself on the other side, unable to reach him, and I feel her desperation. Conor is a stranger now, not the lover
he once was. She has lost him, only she doesn’t know it yet. There is still hope, she thinks. I could tell her that once up, it will take more than begging and explaining to bring that wall
down.

‘I didn’t think it mattered,’ she begins in a small voice. His cold eyes watch her impassively but he says nothing. So she rambles on, helplessly. ‘I don’t love
him. That’s why I fled. I came here to get away from him and my mother. I didn’t want to break off the engagement by phone, and I didn’t want to go back to London. So, I put my
head in the sand and focused on you. William isn’t important, Conor. You must understand that;
you
are.’

He takes a sharp breath through his nostrils. ‘You should have told me, Ellen.’

‘I know, I’m sorry.’

‘I trusted you with everything. I let you in and what do I get in return? A slap in the face!’

‘No! It’s not like that at all. William no longer existed. In my mind I wasn’t engaged any more. I fell in love with you and I let everything else go.’

‘It’s not kind to leave a man like that. You should have told him how you felt, not left him hanging on, waiting for you like an eejit. Poor sod! Did you ever think about
him?’

‘No, because I was thinking about
you
.’

‘Well, you can go back now and tell him.’

‘I will.’

‘Unless you were just sitting on the fence, waiting to see if
we
were worth pursuing.’

‘I always knew which side of the fence I wanted to be on.’

‘Well, it doesn’t matter any more. It’s over between us, Ellen.’

She blanches the colour of a turnip. ‘Don’t say that, Conor!’

‘I don’t want to be with a woman I can’t trust. I’ve been let down enough in my life to know the value of honesty.’

‘I won’t lie to you again.’ She is clinging onto the shards of their splintered relationship like a shipwrecked sailor. ‘Please, you have to forgive me.’

He gives a hollow laugh. ‘Oh, Ellen. I thought you were different. I believed we were good for each other.’ She begins to cry, but he remains hard-hearted, and I am willing him to
stay strong and not to weaken. A woman’s tears are powerful weapons and he must remain focused on what he
really
wants and not be swayed by them. I stare down from my portrait and he
lifts his gaze and locks his eyes in mine. I see the resolve in them and I know that I have won.

He ushers her out and locks the door behind him. ‘So, this is it?’ she asks, astonished. ‘You’re going to drop me because I failed to tell you I was engaged? When I never
intended to marry him!’

‘No, because you’re not the woman I thought you were.’

She struggles to speak through her tears. ‘Then you’re not the man I thought
you
were!’ She climbs into her car and drives off without looking back. Conor remains
there for a long while, watching her disappear into the distance. He stares down the avenue of trees as if he is half expecting her to come back. Finally, when she does not, he gets into his Range
Rover and roars off in the other direction. I am triumphant. In spite of the fog closing in around me, I am victorious. Conor is mine again. This time I will guard him more closely.