Selby Shattered (5 page)

by Selby Trifle

This morning I got out of bed
And realised my brain was dead,
That I had somehow left behind
A major portion of my mind.

I stumbled when I tried to walk,
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk,
So back I climbed into my bed
And let my brain rejoin my head.

‘Do you take this dog to be your wedded husband?’

‘I do.’

Selby looked into her beautiful eyes as she slipped the ring onto his toe.

‘I can’t believe this is happening to me,’ he thought. ‘She is soooooooo wonderful! Oh, lucky lucky me.’

‘And do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?’ the man asked. ‘Dr Trifle, would you please come up and answer for Selby?’

‘If only I could say
I do
myself,’ Selby thought. ‘But I can’t because then everyone would know my secret. They’d know that I’m not an ordinary non-talking, non-I-do-saying dog.’

Dr Trifle made his way to the front of the stage but Selby spoke first.

‘
Woof
!’ he said.

There was laughter all around as the man said, ‘Never mind, Dr Trifle. I think Selby just answered for himself. I now pronounce you dog and wife.’

It had all started a week before when Mrs Trifle and Selby were watching a TV show called ‘Mix ‘n’ Match Marriage'.

‘How can you watch that rubbish?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It’s just about people getting married.’

‘They’re not just
any
people,’ said Mrs Trifle. ‘Last week they had the world’s tallest woman marrying the world’s shortest man. He wore stilts at the wedding so they could be the same height.’

‘I hope they didn’t get married just to be on TV.’

‘No, I’m sure they were in love and were going to get married anyway. But the show paid for a big wedding and a honeymoon.’

‘The next thing you know they’ll have triplets marrying triplets,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘That happened two weeks ago. And three weeks ago a famous explorer married a camel driver. They dressed all the camels up as bridesmaids.’

‘I don’t know why you waste your time watching such a show.’

‘Millions of people do,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘And at least one dog,’ thought Selby. ‘I love watching weddings. They’re fun. Everyone is always so happy that it makes me happy too.’

Selby looked at the smiling face of the presenter.

‘And that’s our show for today,’ she said. ‘Next week we’ll be coming to you from the country town of Bogusville where we’ll have the craziest wedding ever. This is Sibyl Sweetie. See you next week, and, if you have any wedding suggestions, send us a letter or an email.’

‘Bogusville?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Did you know the show was coming here?’

‘As a matter of fact I did, because the producer phoned the Council about it.’

‘So what’s this crazy wedding all about?’ Dr Trifle asked. ‘We don’t have any camel drivers or triplets here.’

‘No, but we have dogs,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Dogs? What do you mean?’

‘They’re going to have the first-ever dog wedding on TV.’

‘What dogs?’

‘Hamish the sheepdog and Melanie Mildew’s terrier, Posy,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Hamish and Posy?!’ Dr Trifle exclaimed. ‘But they can’t get married. They’re … dogs!’

‘It won’t be a real marriage, of course,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Melanie and Hamish’s owner will be paid some money and then they’ll all go on a honeymoon cruise.’

‘It sounds like just another silly thing to put on that very silly show so lots of silly people will watch it,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Hamish and Posy. I wonder who came up with that idea.’

‘Apparently a Mr S. Elby sent them a letter suggesting it and they liked it. Have you heard of a Mr S. Elby in Bogusville?’

‘No, I don’t think I have.’

Selby looked up innocently at the Trifles.

‘Well I have,’ he thought
.

A week later, Bogusville Fairground was filled with television equipment and people organising the wedding. And, of course, everyone from Bogusville was there. Mrs Trifle had even talked Dr Trifle into coming and the Trifles and Selby were sitting in the front row of the stands.

‘This is so much fun!’ Selby thought. ‘And it’s all because of little old me. Oh, look, there’s Sibyl! She looks even gorgeouser in real life than she does on TV.’

Hamish was on the stage with a hairdresser working furiously on his fur. Nearby, another hairdresser was putting a bow in Posy’s fur.

‘Quiet please, everyone!’ Gus the producer said. ‘We’re on the air in five minutes. We’ll do a quick run-through. Ms Mildew, could you please lead the bride dog up here?’

The orchestra started playing ‘The Wedding
March’ while Melanie led Posy slowly down the aisle.

‘Okay, so it’s a bit silly,’ Selby thought, ‘but it still brings tears to my eyes.’

And that’s when it happened …

No sooner did Posy sit next to Hamish than, without so much as a growl, she bit him. She bit him so hard that he yelped and tore off across the fairground.

‘This is a disaster!’ cried the producer. ‘The show is ruined! I never should have listened to you, Sibyl. Dogs getting married is a silly idea!’

‘You loved the idea,’ Sibyl said. ‘Stay cool. We just need another groom dog, that’s all.’

The presenter looked around the audience.

‘There’s no time, Sibyl,’ the producer said. ‘We’ve got two minutes.’

‘Him!’ Sibyl said, suddenly pointing to Selby. ‘Excuse me, sir. Would you mind if your dog got married?’

‘Well, I don’t know …’ Dr Trifle began.

‘
Yes
!
yes!
Say
yes!’
Selby thought.

‘Yes, yes, of course!’ Mrs Trifle said quickly. ‘I’m sure Selby won’t mind — as long as Posy doesn’t bite him.’

‘She won’t bite me. I’ll just give her my best
you’d-better-not-bite-me-or-else
look and she’ll leave me alone. Hey, I’m going to be famous!’ Selby thought as he struggled not to smile. ‘This is fun!’

And it would have been fun, too, except that Selby’s
you’d-better-not-bite-me-or-else
look worked too well. Instead of biting him, Posy panicked and started howling and pulling at her leash to get away.

‘Okay, cancel the show,’ the producer sighed. ‘That’s it. And you and I are out of a job, Sibyl.’

‘No, no! I’ve got another idea.’

‘I think I’ve had enough of your ideas.’

‘This one is perfect —
I
will marry Selby.’

‘You’ll whaaaaaaaaat
?’

‘I’ll marry him myself.’

‘Sibyl, you can’t marry a dog!’

‘Why not? It’s not a real marriage. It’s just television, remember? It’ll be the highest rating wedding ever. What do we have to lose? Besides, he’s kind of cute.’

‘Oh, isn’t that sweet,’ Selby thought. ‘I could give her a big kiss for that!’

And so it was that the bit at the beginning of this story happened and, what’s more, Selby
found himself on the Honeymoon Cruise of a Lifetime. It was as if he and Sibyl had the whole ship to themselves — well, to themselves and Gus the producer, the ‘Mix ‘n’ Match Marriage’ crew and a couple of hundred other passengers.

Selby was having the time of his life. During the daytime, he lazed in his deckchair beside Sibyl as the ship glided across the blue water. The camera crew took pictures of the two of them having lunch together in the dining room.

‘You are an amazing dog, Selby,’ Sibyl said to him one day. ‘You’re so friendly. You never misbehave the way some dogs do. It’s as if you understand everything I say.’

‘I do, I do, Sibyl,’ Selby said, but of course he only said it in his head — he didn’t say it out loud.

‘We even like the same sort of food. I was amazed when you got stuck into those peanut prawns last night.’

‘They were fantastic!’ Selby thought. ‘Almost as good as the ones from The Spicy Onion Restaurant back in Bogusville.’

‘The TV crew loved it when you started moving around to that salsa music on the dance floor last night. It’s almost as though you’re part human. That’s very odd, isn’t it?’

‘I am and it certainly is,’ Selby thought.

On the door of Sibyl’s cabin there was a big heart that said ‘Selby & Sibyl'. Inside, Selby slept on his mat on the floor while Sibyl lay in bed looking out the porthole at the stars.

‘You know, Selby, I’ve been to hundreds and hundreds of weddings and I’ve met lots and lots of men but I’ve never found Mr Perfect. But, as far as I’m concerned, you are Mr Perfect and you and I have the best friendship ever.’

‘I agree, Sibs,’ Selby thought, as he drifted off to sleep. ‘I only wish this honeymoon thing could go on forever. Of course I’d (yawn) miss (yawn) the Trifles (yawn) if it did.’

And if everything was perfect (the way it sometimes is in Selby’s stories), it was all about to change the very next day.

‘Excuse me, young lady,’ a charming voice said, ‘but this dog of yours must be the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen.’

Selby looked up from his deckchair to see a
very handsome man looking down at him and Sibyl.

‘I beg your pardon?’ Sibyl said, smiling up at the man.

‘He not only picked up a scone in his paw but he spread butter and jam on it before eating it.’

‘Selby did that?’

‘Yes, indeed. A remarkable dog. And what a wonderful name. Selby. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Prince Pierre de Terre. But please just call me Pierre.’

‘I am charmed to meet you, Pierre. I’m Sibyl.’

The man leaned down and lowered his voice to a whisper.

‘Who is that person over there with the television camera?’

‘Oh, that’s Gus, my producer,’ Sibyl said. ‘I work for a television show called “Mix ‘n’ Match Marriage” and he’s filming me for the show.’

‘And are you married?’ the prince asked.

‘Yes, I just married Selby here and we’re on our honeymoon.’

‘You married a dog?’

‘We’re not really married,’ Sibyl said.

‘You mean it’s not legal?’

‘Hey, hang on, buster!’ Selby thought. ‘Two’s company but three’s a crowd around here.’

‘No, of course not,’ Sibyl said, smiling sweetly.

‘But you are so lucky to have someone — even a dog,’ Prince Pierre said. ‘Sadly, my wife passed away last year. Since then, I’ve just been cruising around the world and giving away my money.’

‘You’re giving your money away?’

‘Yes. You see, I’ve been very rich all my life and I know that money doesn’t matter. The only thing that really matters is love.’

‘But won’t you be poor if you give away all your money?’

‘That could never happen. I might have to sell one of the family castles but I have more money than I can give away in my whole lifetime,’ the prince said. ‘Would you and the wonderful Selby like to join me for dinner tonight?’

‘Wonderful?’ Selby thought. ‘I think I’m getting to like this dude.’

‘That would be lovely. Of course, Gus will have to be there with his camera taking pictures of us from time to time. Sorry, but it’s part of my job.’

‘I understand completely,’ the prince said, bowing deeply.

That night, Selby, Sibyl and the prince had dinner in the dining room. Afterwards, Selby watched as Sibyl and Prince Pierre de Terre danced long into the night.

‘If only I could dance like that,’ Selby thought, ‘holding Sibyl in my paws. Oh well, I guess I’m happy for Sibyl. He’s not a bad bloke for a prince.’

Night after night, the couple dined and danced and talked. And when they’d finished talking, they talked some more.

One night, very late, there was a knock at Selby and Sibyl’s door.

‘Pssssst! It’s me, Gus.’

Sibyl opened the door.

‘Sibyl, you’re brilliant!’ Gus said. ‘More people watched the show about you and Selby getting married than ever before.’

‘What did I tell you?’ Sibyl said.

‘You were right. And for our next show we’re going to do even better. We’ll show the film I’ve taken of you and Selby on the cruise. Then we’ll show you meeting the count.’

‘He’s a prince.’

‘Whatever. And then we’ll show you getting married to him right here on the ship.’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Oh, come on, you love him, don’t you?’

‘I
like
him but —’

‘But nothing. You love him and he loves you and you’re about to get engaged.’

‘We are?’

‘Yes. He’s just asked the captain to do the wedding ceremony. Ships’ captains can marry people, you know.’

‘Oh, Gus, I do like him — a lot — but I can’t marry someone when I’m already on my honeymoon with someone else.’