Selby's Shemozzle

Selby was lying on his mat in the Trifles' house when he heard a familiar voice.

‘This tape has some of the jokes for my new show,' said Gary Gaggs, the Trifles' old friend and favourite comedian. ‘Do you want to hear some?'

‘I'd love to,' Mrs Trifle said.

‘Me too!' Selby thought as Gary started the tape player. ‘I just love this guy's jokes.'

‘Okay, here goes … A fellow goes to a doctor and the doctor listens to his chest and says, “There's something ticking in there.” And the guy says, “I know, I swallowed a clock.” And the doctor says, “Why didn't you tell me that
straightaway?” And the guy says, “Because I didn't want to alarm you.”'

‘Oh, I get it,' Selby thought.
‘Alarm
you. It was an alarm clock. That's great!'

‘I said to a friend of mine, I said, “Cheer up. Things could be worse.” So he cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse. Woo woo woo!' Gary added, as he often did at the end of a joke. ‘A burglar broke into my house last night. I pulled out a gun and said, “Take one more step and I'll let you have it!” He took another step so I let him have it. What was I going to do with that old gun anyway?'

‘I don't get it,' Selby thought.
‘Oh! Oh! Oh!
Now I do! He let him
have
it. He let him have
the gun.
Oh, Gary, that's great!'

‘That's a good one, Gary,' Mrs Trifle said with a laugh.

‘A mother says to her son, “I'm going to make you eat your words!” And the kid says, “How can you do that?” And she says, “We're having alphabet soup for lunch. “Woo woo woo! But seriously, folks, an astronaut is about to step down onto the moon. A little green alien comes running up and says, “Go away! You can't land
here! “And the astronaut says, “Why not?” So the alien says, “Because the moon is
full.
” Woo woo woo! The other day I was in an art gallery and this lady said to a guard, “That painting over there of a woman is the ugliest painting I've ever seen!” And the guard said, “I hate to tell you this, lady, but that's not a painting — it's a mirror.”'

‘Oh, she was looking at herself!' Selby thought. ‘This guy cracks me up. But I've got to keep from laughing or I'll give away my secret!'

‘But seriously, folks,' Gary's tape continued, ‘a girl bought a rubber piano. She wanted to play in a rubber band.'

Gary stopped the tape player.

‘Do you like the jokes?' he asked.

‘Yes, but that last one was terrible!' Mrs Trifle said with a laugh. ‘By the way, is this show coming here, to Bogusville?'

‘Are you kidding? They hate me here.'

‘They don't hate you, Gary. They're just afraid you'll tell your killer joke
again. I'm so glad we didn't go to that show.'

‘Me too,' Selby thought.

‘Don't remind me,' said Gary with a sigh. ‘What a shemozzle. Half the audience landed in hospital from laughing too hard. And the rest of them ripped their pants. I couldn't even stop laughing myself.'

‘You laughed at your own joke?'

‘It was very,
very
funny. And I hadn't heard the punchline before.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘It's a strange thing, being a comedian,' Gary explained. ‘Sometimes you're telling a joke and your mouth takes over. It's like it has a mind of its own.'

‘A mind of its own?'

‘Yes. I'd told that joke lots of times before, but this time, just when I was about to say the punchline, suddenly I said something that was a thousand times funnier. It turned into a killer joke. For weeks afterwards I laughed every time I thought of it. In the end I had to make a recording of the joke and just listen to it over and over again till it wore off.'

‘I'm so glad I didn't hear it,' said Mrs Trifle. ‘Speaking of your new show — are you going
to tell that elephant and mouse joke? You told it to us once at dinner, remember?'

‘No, I've never been able to make that joke work. I've changed it and changed it but it's still not funny enough.'

‘Well, I thought it was sweet. Will you tell it now?'

‘Tell it, Gary,' Selby thought. ‘I liked it too.'

‘Okay. An elephant and a mouse are walking down the street. The mouse says, “I hate being small. I'd love to be big like you.” And the elephant says, “You could be big like me if you wanted to. Here's what you do. First find the nut of the jub-jub tree and bring it to me.” “Is that all I have to do?” “Yes, but the nearest jub-jub tree is a long way away and the nuts are very heavy.” “No problem,” says the mouse, “I'll roll it back.” And the elephant says, “You'll have to go through lion country.” “I'll do it,” says the mouse. “And you'll have to cross a river full of crocodiles.” “No problem,” the mouse says. So off the mouse goes …'

Selby listened as the elephant and mouse joke went on and on. Finally Gary got to the
punchline: ‘“Okay,” the elephant says, “so now we're both nuts but I'm still tall.”'

‘That's a lovely joke,' Mrs Trifle said.

‘Thanks. But it didn't make you laugh.'

‘It's just me. I'm not in a laughing mood. I'm too worried about the speech I have to give on the radio tomorrow.'

‘What's it about?'

‘I have to tell the people of Bogusville that they're going to close our hospital.'

‘That's awful!'

‘I know. The Health Department says that Bogusville is too small to have its own hospital. From now on, if anyone gets sick they'll have to go to Poshfield Hospital.'

‘So why are you worried about your speech? It's not your fault they're closing the hospital.'

‘I always get nervous when I talk on the radio. And when I get nervous I make mistakes.'

‘Well, then,' Gary said, putting a blank tape into the tape player, ‘record your speech till you get it right. Then give it to the radio station to

play.'

‘Gary, you're a genius!' said Mrs Trifle.

* * *

That afternoon, Mrs Trifle recorded her speech over and over again.

‘She's almost got it right,' Selby thought, ‘but listening to it is driving me nuts. I've got to get out of here.'

Selby left the house and went walking along Bogusville Creek, practising some of Gary's jokes in his best Gary Gaggs voice: ‘But seriously, folks,' he said. ‘A guy in a restaurant says to the waiter, “I can't eat this soup.” The waiter says, “I'll get the manager.” So the guy says to the manager, “I can't eat this soup.” The manager says, “I'll get the owner.” So the guy says to the owner, “I can't eat this soup.” The owner says, “I'll get the cook.” The guy says to the cook, “I can't eat this soup.” The cook says, “Why not?” So the guy says, “Because I don't have a spoon.” Woo woo woo!'

‘It was funnier when Gary told it,' Selby thought. ‘Now how did that elephant and mouse joke go? “An elephant and a mouse are walking down the street. The mouse says …”'

When Selby got to the end of the joke and was about to say Gary's punchline, something strange happened. It was as if Selby's mouth had a mind of its own. Suddenly a completely different punchline came out.

Selby stopped in his tracks. ‘That is so incredibly funny,' he thought in the split second before he started laughing uncontrollably.

He doubled up and fell to the ground, pounding his paws in the dirt.

‘That is
sooooooo
funny!' he cried. ‘That's the funniest joke I've ever heard — and I made it up myself! I'm a real comedian!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
My tummy is hurting from laughing.'

Selby shrieked with laughter again and rolled on the ground. Tears streamed down his face. For what seemed like hours he shouted and groaned and writhed in helpless laughter. Finally he picked himself up, his throat raw and sore, but he was still laughing faintly.

‘I have to go home,' he gasped, ‘or the Trifles will worry.'

With weak and wobbly legs, Selby dragged himself back towards home. The sun was setting
behind Gumboot Mountain. Finally his laughter stopped — and then …

‘Oh, no!' he thought. ‘It doesn't look like a gumboot at all! It looks like an elephant!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
The mouse and the elephant!'

Once again Selby found himself on the ground screeching with laughter. By the time he got home he'd finally stopped.

Three times that night Selby woke himself up with his own laughter. In the morning he could hear Mrs Trifle talking on the telephone.

‘I don't know what you heard,' she was telling someone, ‘but it can't have been an escaped hyena, because Bogusville Zoo has never
had
a hyena. But don't worry, the police are looking into it.'

‘It was me!' Selby thought. ‘I have to get that joke out of my head.'

As soon as the Trifles left the house, Selby dashed to the tape recorder and turned Mrs Trifle's tape around.

‘I'll do what Gary did. I'll record the joke and listen to it till I'm sick of it.'

Selby recorded the joke using his best Gary Gaggs voice, to make it as funny as possible. Then he played the tape over and over again. After a while his laughter stopped.

‘I'm cured!' Selby thought. ‘And just in time. Here come the Trifles!'

Selby quickly turned the tape around again and lay down.

‘Time to catch up on my sleep,' he thought.

Hours later, Selby awoke to the sound of Dr Trifle's voice.

‘You should be on right now,' Dr Trifle said, turning on the radio.

‘And now,' the radio announcer said, ‘we have the very important message from Mayor Trifle that I've been telling you about. Here goes.'

But the voice that came on the radio wasn't Mrs Trifle's.

‘An elephant and a mouse are walking down the street,' it said. ‘The mouse says, “I hate being small. I'd love to be big like you …”'

‘That's not me,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘It's Gary Gaggs. They're playing the wrong tape.'

‘Oh, no,' Selby groaned in his head. ‘That's not Gary — it's me telling Gary's joke with my killer punchline! They're playing the wrong side of the tape!'

‘Should we ring the radio station?' asked Dr Trifle.

‘No, no,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘Not till the joke is over. It's a cute joke. It'll put everyone in a good mood for my announcement.'

‘I can't stand it,' Selby screamed in his brain. ‘Everyone in Bogusville is listening! I've got to get out of here!'

It was a sad and lonely dog who walked along the streets of Bogusville, watching as
people staggered, screaming with laughter, from their houses. And all around town there was hideous howling like the sound of a herd of escaped hyenas. Selby watched helplessly as people crawled along the footpaths, gasping for breath, and laughing ambulance officers tried to lift people onto stretchers.