Serving Crazy With Curry

The DOW was down almost 600 points the week Devi decided to commit suicide. The NASDAQ also crashed as two big tech companies warned Wall Street of their dismal next quarter estimates. But the only reason Devi was half-heartedly listening to some perky CNN Sunday news anchor prattle on about the lousy week on the stock exchange was habit. A long time ago she'd kept track, listened eagerly, checked the stock of her company online on Yahoo!, but that was when she had stock options that could have been worth something. The last two start-ups she hooked up with hadn't even made it as far as the IPO.

After Devi was laid off (yet again) a week ago, it started to dawn on her that she was not going to be able to change her life. Everything she ever wanted had become elusive and the decision to end her life, she realized, was not only a good decision, but her only option.

As a good tactician, her mind laid down two categories on a spreadsheet: the reasons to die and the reasons not to die. After filling the columns she practically went through all the reasons, struck out those that didn't make sense, kept those that did.

Ultimately, it didn't matter what the entries on the spreadsheet of her unbalanced mind were, because the decision was already made. She knew that the losses she incurred had eaten away everything joyous within her. In the past six months she went from being just slightly depressed to so sad and fragile that the passing of every day seemed like a wasted opportunity; an opportunity to not live through the day.

Devi's fingers moved over the remote control of the television and flipped through images, faces, and vacuum cleaners.

Wanting to delay her impending decision of death, she picked up the telephone and sat down on her sand-colored sofa (the one she couldn't afford), her Victoria's Secret white silk robe tightly secured at her waist. She'd been tightening her robe ever since she put it on at seven that morning, hoping it would settle her down, secure her mind and the uneasiness roiling inside her stomach. All night she had tossed and turned, going over the decision one way and then another. When finally sleep claimed her it was five in the morning and then sleep abandoned her again after just two hours.

Suicide was stressful business.

First, there was the question of how, which she'd pretty much decided on, but there were lingering doubts. Second, there was the question of when. Last night she thought she'd do it at night, in the quiet, but doubts kept her awake, alive. Now it was morning and even though there had been several such mornings in the past months that followed empty, contemplative nights, this morning was different. This morning nothing had changed with the break of dawn as it usually did. This morning her heart was as heavy as it was last night when she started to think seriously, once again, about death. And that's why she could feel that this was the day it would happen, the day she would make it happen.

Devi stared at the telephone and her fingers automatically tapped the numbers that would conjure up someone on the other end of the line at her parents’ home.

She turned the television off as soon as she heard her father's hello. “Daddy, Devi,” she said.

“What's going on,
beta}”
Avi asked in a groggy voice, like he'd just woken up, which he probably had since it was eight o'clock on a Sunday morning, too early for any of his children to call, definitely too early for party-all-night Devi to call.

“Just wanted to say hello,” Devi said, tears brimming in her eyes. She desperately wanted him to say that everything would be okay, that the world would not collapse around her, but that meant asking him for help, and the way things were she was too ashamed to hold out her hand.

This was her life, she was responsible for it, and the mess she had made of it was not something he could clean up for her. As much as she wanted to be held in the secure circle of Daddy's arms, she knew that would just underscore her failure. At least in this, she wanted to succeed, not back out like a wimp who could neither live nor die.

“How's work?” her father asked next.

“Great,” she lied instead of telling him that the company had closed its doors. She was out of a job again and this time there was no way around the facts. She was a loser. Had always been, especially compared to the successes in her family. Her father, Avi Veturi,
had started a successful technology company with a friend and now was semi-retired, enjoying a privileged life in Silicon Valley. Her older sister, Shobha, was vice president of engineering for a software company. Her grandmother Vasu had been a doctor in the Indian Army, and retired as a Brigadier. Talk about overachievers, her family was loaded with them.

Her mother, Saroj, who'd spent her entire life in the house, had no solid successes to her credit and among all her family members, she was the only one Devi could compare herself to. That was a scary thought. Saroj never held a job, spent all her time in the kitchen cooking and pretending to take care of her family. She was a fairly good cook and a lousy mother. Her relationship with her husband seemed extra strained since he'd semi-retired a few years ago. Marriage to Avi had been Saroj's biggest accomplishment and now that marriage was also fading away, rotting in apathy and some disdain. If they were not Indian, Devi was sure they'd be divorced.

“G'ma,” she told her grandmother, who lived in India, on the telephone just a few years ago, “they sleep in separate beds and now Daddy is talking about moving into the guest room, to avoid all the Hindi movies Mama watches at night.”

Her grandmother had been honest as she always was and told Devi that some marriages simply don't work and they should be ended, but not too many people had the courage to do so. G'ma was not one of those cowards. She divorced her crazy husband when divorce was unheard of in India. She took that chance and so many others. She lived her life on her own terms and no one could ever call Vasu a loser.

Tears filled Devi's eyes again and regret flooded inside her. She wanted to be like her grandmother: strong, independent, and smart. Instead she was more like her mother: a complete failure at everything she ever attempted—life, love, children, job, relationships, finances, everything.

“Is G'ma up?” Devi asked her father. Vasu was visiting as she always did during the summer to get some relief from the scorching Indian heat.

“I don't know,
beta.
Probably not, we were up until three in the morning playing chess. But I can …”

“Who's on the phone, Avi?” Devi heard her mother call out.

“Do you want to talk to your mother?” Avi asked and Devi whispered an unsteady “no” and hung up quickly. She didn't want to talk to her mother, and on second thought she didn't even want to talk to Vasu. She felt she had said her good-byes the week before when the entire family met for dinner at her parents’ house.

Girish, Shobha's husband, was unable to make it because of some “thing” at the university, but no one believed those stories anymore. Ever since they'd found out that Shobha couldn't get pregnant it had become more evident than ever that their marriage was not working, at any level.

For a very long time Devi had been jealous of Shobha; part of her still was. Shobha had it all. A vice president of engineering at a software company at the young age of thirty-two was quite an achievement. Marrying a Stanford professor and excellent man, Girish, was another one. Devi was perversely (and guiltily) glad that Shobha couldn't put down “perfect mother” on her list of achievements.

Just two years after marrying Girish, Shobha had surgery for endometriosis and was told that she could not conceive. Shobha was shocked that at the age of twenty-nine she couldn't have children.

“They have a billion people in India and I can't have a baby? Those crack addicts who can't take care of themselves get knocked up, so why the hell can't I?” Shobha demanded angrily. Even then angry. Not sad, not devastated, like the rest of the family. Shobha was angry, always angry. That was Shobha's trademark emotion, her way of dealing with the world at large. Anger, Shobha said, was not a bad thing.

“Fuck them who say… and yes, Mama, I can say
juck,
I'm twenty-nine years old and barren, I can say
fuck
even if fucking doesn't get me anywhere anymore … so what was I saying?”

“You were saying that anger is a good thing,” Girish filled in patiently. “Maybe you got endometriosis because you're so angry all the time.”

Girish had been a broken man when he heard the news, and tried to convince Shobha that adoption would be the solution. She wouldn't hear of it. “If I can't have my own child then maybe this is nature's way of saying that I shouldn't have children. Not mine, not anyone else's.” Their relationship deteriorated after that.

Devi wondered if she should call Shobha to say good-bye. They never really got along, not like sisters did in movies, in other people's families, in books. They were distant, and Devi had a strong inkling that Shobha genuinely disliked her.

She dialed Shobha's cell phone number, always a reliable way of getting in touch with her and the best way to avoid speaking with Girish, who could answer if she called their home phone. The fewer people she had to say good-bye to, the easier this would be. But even as Shobha's cell phone rang, Devi knew she was procrastinating. On the sixth ring, right before Shobha's voice mail would click in, Devi hung up, threw her phone down on the couch, and stood up. It was time, she told herself firmly. It had been time for a while now.

Devi was not the first person in her family to attempt suicide. Thirty-eight years ago Ramakant, Devi's grandfather, hung himself from the ceiling fan in his brother's house with one of his ex-wife's silk saris. Vasu never forgave Ramakant for killing himself just three months after the divorce. The blame fell squarely on her, and everyone merrily overlooked the fact that Ramakant was obviously unbalanced. Adding insult to injury was the suicide note, in which Ramakant took great pains to specifically explain how his ex-wife was not the reason why he was doing himself in and that he loved and respected Vasu very much.

Devi had decided in the beginning that if she ever killed herself it would be without a suicide note—no melodrama for the damned. This was a personal business, a private affair, no one needed to know why. Sure, her family may think she owed them an explanation, but that was an unreasonable expectation compounded by Devi's perverse desire to keep them guessing. Her parents may have brought her into the world (and that, too, without her permission), but it was her choice when she left.

She wanted to leave now.

It wasn't like she woke up one day and thought,
Oh, it's a good idea if I kill myself today.
No, it took several months before she reached this point. It started like a spark of electricity, something that happens when wiring goes bad. And once the idea popped into her head, she couldn't unpin it, no matter how hard she tried. No matter how hard she shook her head to clear it away, it stayed, and soon became a constant companion.

Everything seemed to be an omen, giving her the green,
go-ahead,
signal to die.

The computer crashed again. Damn, if only I was dead, I wouldn't have to deal with this.

I locked the car keys inside the car. Damn, if only I was dead, I wouldn't have to call Triple A.

It's a Friday night and I have no one to go out with. If only I'd killed myself in the morning then I wouldn't have to face this loneliness now.

So on and so forth.

Devi had it all planned, the method (this after some serious pondering), the time of day (though this kept changing), and the place. But in all her planning, Devi didn't account for one mistake she had made a year ago. She gave Saroj a spare set of keys to her town house in Redwood City. Saroj had virtually beaten the keys out of Devi when she'd rented the place; nagged the hell out of her until Devi relented.

“You have to give us a spare set of keys. If you lose yours you will have to pay your landlord all that money to get new keys … this way, everything will be nice and easy.”

It hadn't been quite nice'n easy as the hair-coloring commercial promised. It had been a nightmare. Saroj quickly forgot her guarantee to Devi that she wouldn't enter Devi's house using the spare key and did exactly that. The first time was with a box of
ladoos.

Devi was shocked to see her mother in the dining area putting a box of
‘ladoos
on the table while Devi struggled to cover herself with a towel and hold on to a baseball bat, convinced that someone had broken in while she was in the shower.