Seven Seasons of Buffy: Science Fiction and Fantasy Authors Discuss Their Favorite Television Show (Smart Pop series) (4 page)

INSTRUCTIONS: The following question should be answered in a mathematical/mystical equation, with supporting proof provided in
the detail section below. This question counts for 100% of your final grade. Any answer judged incorrect will result in the permanent forfeiture of your immortal soul to the fiery reaches of torment (or other hell-dimension, as availability allows).

We know we’ve previously told you that six pop quizzes administered by the Demon Prince Alkeerzath counted toward your final grade. We lied. Sue us. We’re evil. So are you.

QUESTION 1: IDENTIFY AND PROVE (WITH EXAMPLES) THE IDENTITY OF THE MOST POWERFUL INDIVIDUAL FORCE FOR GOOD IN THE REALM OF SUNNYDALE, CALIFORNIA (aka, the Hellmouth). You may consult your notes during this exam. Creation of interdimensional portals or spells to make the instructor (or teaching assistant) forget your existence will be punishable with eternal torment (see above).

Good luck. (Well, not really. We’re evil. We hope you fail and suffer mindless agony forever.)

INSCRIBE YOUR CHOICE FOR THE PULING, MISERABLE WORM OF A CREATURE THAT WE WILL EVENTUALLY GRIND BETWEEN OUR SHARP POINTY TEETH (the Most Powerful Individual Force for Good in Sunnydale):

ALEXANDER (XANDER) LAVELLE HARRIS

INSCRIBE YOUR MYSTICAL/MAGICAL EQUATION IN SUPPORT OF THIS IDENTIFICATION:

M = (S
^x
x S
^ax
x S
^s
x S
ⁱ
)
⁶
- (E
⁶
)

Where:

INSCRIBE YOUR SUPPORTING PROOF (preferably in the blood of others, but your own may be used if you cannot overcome your fellow students):

Hail to Your August and Awful Majesty, Professor Vardath
¹
.

Obviously, you seek to trick your lowly, humble, crawling students into incorrectly identifying the Slayer BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS
²
as the most powerful force for Good
³
in Sunnydale.

However, it is clear that had the Slayer
⁴
been equipped only with the traditional weapons of these champions of Good (i.e., a Slayer’s Manual, some rather inadequate training, and a bumbling, well-intentioned Watcher) she would swiftly have been dispatched, probably well before she needed to be included in the syllabus.

However, the current Slayer
⁵
has been untraditional in her approach to fighting our courageous and much-maligned Forces of Evil. This is illustrated quite clearly by her choice of allies.

Clearly, upon examining the group of somewhat-human beings she has gathered around her, there are some outstanding candidates for Most Powerful Individual Force For Good (M.P.I.F.F.G.) on the Hellmouth.

(I discount the Slayer
⁶
as the M.P.I.F.F.G. simply because without the nontraditional—and clearly impressive—supporters she has assembled, she would even now be a molding corpse in a forgotten grave. Actually, she HAS been a molding corpse in a forgotten grave, but that didn’t work out so well for us. Bad luck, incidentally, sir.)

I bring your august and spine-cracking attention to the least likely suspect: ALEXANDER (XANDER) LAVELLE HARRIS. He has a traditionally heroic profile: outsider, handsome (according to ridiculous human female standards), witty, handy with power tools. He even has a dark, tragic childhood to add pathos and mystery.

It cannot possibly be an accident that this human is the ONLY member
of the Slayer’s “Scooby Gang” without superpowers.
⁷
He is not possessed of great Magicks, not superbly toned and flexible, not a mystical Great Key, not a former Vengeance Demon, and not either of the two currently ensouled Vampires. (He is not even, to our knowledge, gay.) He has never meddled with Dark Powers in search of thrills. He is, in fact, startlingly mundane, and would be considered mundane even in Akron, Ohio, much less at a mystical convergence of the outré such as the Hellmouth
⁸
.

Xander was, in fact, the very first person in Sunnydale to recognize the Slayer’s unusual nature. As her first friend upon her moving to the Hellmouth, he immediately brought a number of vital skills to the battle: witty repartee, an unexplained knowledge of the extensive tunnel system below Sunnydale, and a willingness to face emerging evil, unusual in any Sunnydale resident, where repression is a much-prized survival skill.

On the down side (or up side, for Team Evil) Xander was also cursed (blessed) with a fashion sense that could only be described as horrifyingly sadistic.
⁹
He also displayed an encouraging streak of stupidity in those early days, not to mention preoccupation with several of the 7 Deadly Sins
^TM
.

However, in addition to saving the Slayer’s life during the Harvest,
¹⁰
he also was the first of her companions to stake a vampire. He continued this irritating and heroic trend by saving the also much-loathed Rupert “Ripper” Giles during a school talent show, and decapitating a poor, defenseless demon. (School functions on the Hellmouth: always exciting.)

Oh, yes, he—and only he—revived the Slayer from her first death at the hands of the Master
¹¹
, which was obviously an enormous setback for the Forces of Evil (please refer to my extra-credit assignment, “Fourteen Better Ways to Kill the Slayer,” for some thoughts on how we might avoid this embarrassing problem next time).

None of Xander’s accomplishments would have been overly upsetting to our glorious and brilliant plans for sowing bloody discord, vengeance, and evil, but unfortunately he showed no signs of veering from his right-minded course. In fact, during the Slayer’s absence, her Scooby Gang
¹²
apparently not only survived the summer’s supernatural visitations, but thrived and—indeed—managed to save some innocent lives. Well, one. And mostly by accident. But still. (Curse upon them.)

By saving the increasingly good and ever-annoying CORDELIA CHASE from her proper doom at the hands of fellow evil high-school students—more than once—Xander paved the way for the current troubles with our Los Angeles branch office of Wolfram & Hart.

During Spike’s invasion of Sunnydale High, the Slayer would have been caught without a stake—and subsequently, extremely dead (possibly even permanently!)—but unfortunately Xander was able to toss her the weapon in the nick of time. Worse, he continued his unpleasant habit of saving others. “If you’re gonna kiss anybody, it should be me,” he is reported to have said to an Incan Mummy, which is nauseatingly heroic (in that the Incan Mummy was pretty well wrinkled at the time). He summoned Angel
¹³
to save the Slayer on at least three occasions during his second year as a Scooby.

His infiltration of the Delta Zeta Kappa fraternity—and subsequent hazing—was instrumental in allowing the White Hats to destroy our most excellent and phallic brother Machita. (On the Evil side, however, the destruction of Machita did cause an economic downturn from which the country is, even now, still reeling. Yay.)

The most credible evidence of Xander’s pivotal role as the M.P.I.F.F.G. is his transformation from nerdy high-school student to lethal soldier during Halloween of that year.
¹⁴
In fact, during his second year as a Scooby, he saved, saved, and saved again. Irritatingly often, in fact. Willow. . . Cordelia . . . Buffy. . . Willow. . . Buffy . . . all of Sunnydale . . . Buffy . . . Buffy . . . the Sunnydale Swim Team (what’s left of it) … Buffy … and, most irritatingly, Rupert Giles. Again.

Most horribly, by procuring the rocket launcher that served as a technical end-run around our No Weapon Forged ironclad guarantee with The Judge,
¹⁵
he ruined our apocalypse. Again.

Respectfully, Professor, I wonder if there was not someone asleep at the Evil Switch for our side, since this puny un-superpowered human has triumphed so often—and humiliatingly—over our Forces of Darkness. Perhaps an Inquisition might be in order. Something tasteful, with iron spikes.

With the Slayer once again abandoning her post in Sunnydale, Team Evil had a prime opportunity to destroy all that was good and pure.

Which we apparently, again, muffed.
¹⁶

The Scooby Gang, minus the Slayer, apparently triumphed over 60% of supernatural perils sent their way. The remaining 40% were, apparently, not
properly instructed to simply KILL THEM. It’s easy to understand the confusion; obviously, being evil, we like to toy with and torture the innocent.

However, I believe we might want to consider a retraining program to cut down on the taunting and maiming in favor of the KILLING THEM DEAD.

In any case, this percentage presents an important clue that the Slayer is only 40% effective in fighting evil. Clearly, this eliminates Buffy Summers from any serious consideration as the M.P.I.F.F.G., giving Xander the inside track to the title.

Witness the destruction he achieved to our cause in his third year as a follower of the Slayer:

•
  
His use of the moniker “Nighthawk” either struck terror into the hearts of his evil foes, or possibly confused them into believing that he had gone insane.

•
  
During another ill-fated attempt to open the Hellmouth and achieve our goal of hell on Earth, Xander not only saved one Slayer (Faith
¹⁷
), he also ultimately saved the other Slayer, all the Scoobies, and assorted innocents by forcing one of our less-than-brilliant evil minions to defuse a bomb. (Zombies. What can you do?) And how many “normal” guys can say they’ve done the post-fight horizontal mambo with a Slayer? Few. And fewer still breathing.

•
  
Xander actually prevented the horrible deaths of hundreds of Sunnydale students by discovering one of our Evil Minions planting rat poison in the cafeteria food. Coincidence? I think not. The Slayer was entirely on the wrong track. Obviously, Xander was forced to reveal himself as the godlike force for good that he is in this instance.

•
  
Last—and most importantly—he acted as a general during the pitched battle on Graduation Day, marshalling students against the Forces of Darkness. Ascension Day. Another busted opportunity. What a gyp.