Sex Made Easy (8 page)

A
common question people have about male circumcision has to do with sex. I get a lot of questions about the cleanliness of men's circumcised versus uncircumcised penises (especially in relation to oral sex); I also get a lot of questions about whether women who have sex with men should use different sexual techniques for uncircumcised versus circumcised partners.

Strikingly little is known about how male circumcision affects sex for men or their partners. Some studies of men who were circumcised as adults suggest that circumcision is linked to decreased penile sensation. This isn't
always a bad thing, as some men feel that the reduced sensation helps them last longer during sex. Other men who were circumcised as infants as a result of a decision made by their doctor or parents before they were old enough to give consent feel upset that they were not given the choice to make themselves. They will never know if they would have had different penile sensation, or better (or worse) sex, if they still had their foreskin.

Then there's the issue of a man's partner. One interesting study published in the
British Journal of Urology
found that women who had had sex with both circumcised and uncircumcised men reported a greater likelihood of orgasm, as well as multiple orgasm, with an uncircumcised partner.
⁶
Sex with uncircumcised men was also judged to have lasted longer as compared to sex with circumcised men. However, this was a small study and I'm not aware of any others like it, so it's difficult to know how valid these results are.

The first time I dated a man who was uncircumcised, I felt slightly nervous as things progressed. Even though I knew that circumcision was not a matter of hygiene (it's clear from medical opinion that both cut and uncut men are “clean”), I had questions. What would sex feel like with an uncircumcised man? And would condom use be trickier, given that research has found that condoms sometimes slip off more often on uncircumcised men?
⁷
What I ultimately found is that I love penises with or without foreskin. More than that, I was surprised to find that once my partner and I stopped using condoms, I could feel his foreskin move along my vaginal walls during sex. It was a new sensation to me and a wonderful one, and I had seen nothing written about it previously in sex research articles. I couldn't feel it all of the time, but I did sometimes, and it felt nice. Feeling his foreskin also seemed to make it easier to experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse with him and again with a subsequent partner who was uncircumcised. Can I guarantee that you'll have a similar experience? Of course not. But you might have fun trying.

N
ow let's turn our attention to the penis's closest “friends”: namely, the scrotum and its inside parts. The scrotum is the outside package. It houses the testicles and other parts, such as the epididymis, which sits over each testicle and plays a role in sperm production. By keeping the testicles hung away from a man's trunk, they stay cooler, which helps keep sperm production running smoothly. Down the middle of the scrotum, you may notice something that looks like a line or a ridge of skin, called the “raphe.” This is a normal part of men's genitals and is essentially the “seam” where tissues met up together and fused while in the womb. Pretty cool, huh?

But let's get back to men's testicles: if you have yet to feel them, check them out on a willing and interested partner. Men's testicles are egg shaped and can be felt from all angles, even turned around gently in one's fingers (some men don't like this, so ask first). Some men have highly sensitive testicles and don't want to be touched, licked, or sucked there, whereas others love it when their partner pays attention to their testicles. Ask your partner what he likes before getting too eagerly involved down there. Between the back of the scrotum and the anus is the perineum, casually called the “taint” (as in “t'aint the balls, t'aint the butt”) or “tween” (as it's
between
these two parts).

S
emen (also called ejaculate) is a combination of fluids from several different body parts including the seminal vesicles and the prostate gland. Sperm make up only a tiny amount of seminal volume. A small amount of fluid is from the Cowper's glands, which are small, peasized glands at the base of the penis. The Cowper's glands secrete fluid that may begin dripping out of the urethra long before a man actually ejaculates any semen. As it comes out first, it's called “pre-ejaculate” (or pre-cum). It does not contain sperm. Sometimes the pre-ejaculate doesn't make it all the way out of the penis ahead of time and the fluids end up getting swept up with the other seminal fluids, completely unnoticed.

Pre-ejaculate is one of the things I find most fascinating about men's bodies. This small amount of fluid plays two important roles. By being released first, the fluid helps lubricate a man's penis and, during intercourse with a woman, helps to lubricate the vagina. Also, pre-ejaculate helps to make the man's urethra less acidic so that by the time the sperm come out during ejaculation, they survive the trip out of the penis. If the urethra were too acidic, the sperm might be damaged. Pre-ejaculate helps sperm stay safe.

T
he prostate gland sits beneath a man's bladder. Although small, it produces about 25 to 30 percent of the volume of semen. That may not seem like a lot, but some men are pretty active in terms of their masturbation or partnered sex lives and may keep their prostate quite busy. This is completely fine as far as the prostate is concerned. In fact, some research suggests that frequent masturbation or sex while men are young (in their twenties and thirties) is linked to a lower risk of prostate cancer in older age.
⁸
Instead of making fun of a man or scolding him for frequent masturbation, why not encourage it, take part in it, or keep the house stocked with tissues or sufficient “bad towels” (unless you want him to use the good ones, which I wouldn't advise lest they lose their softness)?

As men get into their forties and fifties, it is common for the prostate
to enlarge, which can make some men feel as though they have to urinate (pee) even when they don't (older age brings lots of these “false alarms”). This may feel like sweet justice to all the moms who spent their twenties, thirties, or forties running to the bathroom while they were pregnant or after they had their baby while their partner hung out on the couch or stayed asleep in bed. Frequent urination should always be brought to the attention of one's health care provider.

Of course, other things can go wrong with the prostate that are far more serious. Prostate cancer is, unfortunately, one of the most common cancers among men as they age. Men should be encouraged to check in with their health care providers for information about annual prostate exams as they get into their forties and fifties (recommendations will vary from man to man depending on their personal health and family history).

Although size seems to matter to some sex partners, the differences among most men's penis size are so minor that it matters less than many think. This is especially true given what we talked about in the last chapter: that the vagina changes in shape and size during sexual arousal and depending on the sexual position. Vaginal lubrication and store-bought lubricants can also change the way sex feels, as can a person's psychological excitement or how “into” sex they feel. If you think back to your earliest sexual experiences, you can probably recall times when you didn't have intercourse or any other kind of contact with a penis, but kissing, making out, and touching each other were so incredibly arousing that you thought you might burst with excitement. To focus on penis size as the most important thing to sex is to miss the point—and a whole host of other ways you could be making sex better.

Some men, feeling anxious about their penis size, might ask, “Am I big enough for you?” or “How do I compare to other guys you've been with?” These are tricky questions. Size matters less than many people—including many experienced women—think it does. If a woman's vagina is very wet
and lubricated, her vagina may feel roomier or he will feel smaller (it all depends on your perspective). Then again, if her vagina is less well lubricated, it may feel tighter and his penis may seem larger or as if there is more sensation during sex. This is one reason why sex between men and women is rarely about one person's size and more about genital fit between the two people.

That said, there are only so many ways to help a guy feel good about his penis. And while you can be helpful and encouraging, it's not your job to stroke his ego, or his penis's ego. But you can help. Here's what I suggest:

If his penis has even the smallest chance of working for you, then fall in love with it. Kiss it, stroke it, and look at it with enthusiasm during oral sex. Tell him that one day you'd be happy to sit around, stream a movie, and make out and lick his penis—assuming, of course, that this is true and you've been tested for STIs and are comfortable with each other's STI status. Tell him how good it feels inside you or how great you two fit together. Squeeze your vaginal muscles around it. Slide up and down his penis during woman-on-top sex. Get the picture? Make his penis a wonderful part of sex play.

If he asks you to compare his penis size to other men, tell him that his penis is a good size for you and that you refuse to compare. Let him know, too, that size is only part of the picture. All the other things matter, too, such as _____. Fill in the blanks with what matters to you, such as oral sex technique, being romantic in bed, getting into dirty talk, being open to bondage play, using sex toys together, or having a penchant for public sex; this is your chance to reinforce what's important to you. Bottom line—
show
him that his penis is an amazing part of sex and you won't have to keep
telling
him.

If your partner's penis is uncomfortably large, don't give up! This is easier to tackle than it may seem. Try these things before cutting him loose—I know a few wonderful couples these tricks have worked for who were able to stay together even though they initially thought they weren't a good fit.

•
Check in with your health care provider.
You need to make sure that all is OK on your end. Some women have anatomical issues such
as a hymenal ring that prevents entry. Other times, pain disorders such as vulvodynia or vaginismus are at the root of what feels like impossible entry.

•
Spend at least fifteen minutes in foreplay.
Do things that you truly find exciting and arousing. This may take some courage if you haven't previously let him know what drives you wild. One sex therapist I know advises women to delay having sex until their vagina is practically throbbing with arousal and anticipation. Foreplay gives your body time to lubricate naturally and also kick-starts the wondrous process of vaginal tenting (this is when the vagina—which is normally about three to four inches long when unaroused—grows in length and width when a woman is aroused; vaginal tenting can lead to more comfortable and pleasurable intercourse).

•
Play with a vibrator.
Vibration stimulates both men's and women's sexual response. In a study my research team at Indiana University published in 2009 in the
Journal of Sexual Medicine
, we found that vibrator use was linked to greater arousal, ease of orgasm, and lubrication. Several minutes of vibrator play may help with vaginal lubrication and tenting, which can make a larger penis size a more comfortable fit.

•
Lube it up!
If you're not currently trying to become pregnant (lubricant can interfere with sperm movement), try adding lubricant to your or his genitals before sex begins. Start with a dime- or nickel-sized amount of a water-based lubricant and add more as wanted. Lube can be particularly helpful for accommodating men with thick penises.

•
Share the load.
Get a soft, flexible masturbation sleeve (also called a pocket pussy) that has a hole on each end, available from many in-home sex toy party companies, sex boutiques, and websites. Lubricate the sleeve, slide it down his shaft, and hop on top (don't literally hop on top of his penis, it's just an expression; but do get on top position-wise).
If his penis is extra long, this can be a true sex-saver because it means the sleeve will squeeze the bottom three to six inches of his shaft while you stimulate the rest by being on top. He gets penile stimulation and you get comfort. Win-win.

•
Reach out.
He might find it helpful to connect with The Large Penis Support Group (
www.lpsg.org
), where members provide support and tips (including sex tips) on message boards.