Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (6 page)

A VERSATILE GUIDE TO NIPPLES

We already mentioned how some of our women friends were amazed to learn that men have feeling in their nipples.

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To some guys, this is a big nothing. But to others, these petite protrusions are two major points on the playing field. Our poll shows a fifty-fifty split: Fifty percent say “don’t bother” and fifty percent are nipple queens.

The only way to find out if a guy’s nipples are in the hot zone is to test the waters. Lazy licking is pretty boring, but he might like the sensation of bites, tugs or tweaks. A friend of ours, who’s the king of nipple queens, told us everything you always wanted to know about nipples but were afraid to ask.

The first thing you’ll want to do is prime the pecs. If your gentleman du jour has been working out, he’ll have heightened feeling in his pectoral muscles. Massage and knead the pecs inward to send the sensation toward the nipple. He’ll also like the fact that you’ve noticed all his hard work at the gym. You want to get the nipple to the point where it’s almost begging for attention, because when you finally touch it, it will be supersensitive. Some muscle men seem to have perpetual nipple hard-ons. Nipple King tells us if that’s not the case, don’t wait for his nipples to get hard before you help them along. He claims he’s encountered nipples ranging in size from little nubs to nipples an inch long. Our experience has been mostly on the shorter end.

Once you’ve primed the pecs, use your tongue and try licking and flicking. Then softly blow some air on the nipple. The sensation of cool air on the moist nipple should wow him with waves of pleasure. Stay with this for about twenty seconds—no more. Proceed to nibbling just the nipple with your lips covering your teeth, and then take the entire pink part into your mouth and do the same. Again, another twenty seconds for this is plenty.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Now try the same routine with your teeth. A word of caution here: Start with gentle bites, not chews. If he likes this—and you should just ask him—increase the pressure. Some guys like a really strong grip, and others find that it hurts. Don’t get carried away as if you were munching on macadamia nuts.

Use front teeth only, and stop if he says “ouch.” Another approach is to use your tongue and your teeth together. Place your two front teeth over the top of the nipple as you massage it from the underside with your tongue.

Next, try tugging on his nipples, one at a time, and then both together. By this we don’t mean yanking on them like you were trying to grab the ring on a carousel, but rather giving him a series of sensual squeezes. Grasp the nipple tips with the ball of your thumb and side of your forefinger, and tug away from his body. Alternate back and forth, between your right and left hands, sort of like milking a cow. If he seems to like this, add a little tweak and twisting action to your tug, continuing to pull the nipple tips away from his body. Some guys may love this. We think it’s like opening a safe, milking a cow, and pulling taffy at the same time. But if you can rub your tummy and pat your head, you should have no trouble mastering this.

A word on grips: Light as a feather does nothing here. If a guy’s nipples are sensitive, he wants to feel what you’re doing.

Start gently, check his face to gauge his reaction, and then try a little harder. Some guys like a death grip on their nipples; for them, you might consider shopping around for nipple clamps (see chapter 11), or asking your dentist for a pair of bib clips the next time you get your teeth cleaned. Our
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friend, a clip connoisseur, suggests testing your grip on the skin between your thumb and forefinger. One last nipple tip: An ice cube from your handy glass of water on the nightstand can also make his tips tingle.

A FRIEND IN KNEAD IS A FRIEND INDEED

Everyone likes a good massage, whether manual or mechanical.

After a hard workout at the gym, your buoyant beau will relish a sensual stroking on his neck, chest, arms, back and legs. Mix up your massages with a gentle back scratching. We already told you to be careful not to pinch and pull hair, especially if he looks like Curious George in the buff. You may not know this, but most men really like a vigorous head massage. You’d kill him if he messed up your hot new hairdo, but he probably won’t care—unless he’s on Rogaine. Start at the temples and work your way back above the ears, using a firm pressure with your fingertips. This works well whether he’s Fabio or Captain Picard.

Assuming he’s facedown, move your hands toward his neck and shoulders; use just your thumbs lightly on his neck, and then a firmer grip on that often-tense area between his neck and shoulders. Use your whole hand to knead the muscles, adding some extra pressure from your thumbs. Don’t do this for too long or he may end up snoring before Mr. Stiffy goes soaring. While massaging his back, concentrate on the muscles that run along the sides of his spine and never press on the spine itself.

Keep working your way down until you encounter the
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
glorious globes of his gluteus maximus. An Argentine acquaintance tells us that bottom burnishing is big in Buenos Aires; it may even be more popular than soccer. Start by pressing your thumbs into the epicenter of each buttock. Using a pretty forceful pressure, rotate your thumbs while you squeeze the rest of the buttock with your fingers. Whether your grip is strong from carrying grocery bags or Bergdorf bags, don’t be afraid to show your strength.

FINGER-LICKIN’ GOOD

Some guys may like their toes sucked, but all guys like their fingers sucked. Good finger sucking lets him know that you’re a master with your mouth, and it sends out a strong signal that there just might be plenty more mouth motion to come. It worked in
Lolita
, and it can work for you, too. The trick here is to keep it from getting boring. Start with his pinky and continue in order, one finger at a time, to his thumb. Forget about delicate licks to the tips. Put the whole finger in your mouth and suck away. Finish it off by giving him a few sloppy licks on the palm of his hand. From this maneuver, you can navigate down to his navel. Or, you can be a little more invent-ive by placing his own wet hand around Mr. Stiffy, while you decide what’s next on the menu.

THAT TOUCH OF MINK

Everybody has their own take on textures. Victoria’s Secret has made millions on marketing maribou and selling satin.

We have a couple of decorator friends who can’t seem
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to stock enough fur and leather bed throws. All their clients, it seems, love the feeling of fur tickling their tushes. We can only imagine that they must spend a fortune at the dry cleaners.

We know folks who have fur mitts, latex undies and leather jock straps. So whether your guy likes sable paint-brushes bristling his backside or silk scarves stroking his scrotum, this is another opportunity for you to show your stuff.

LAST WORD ON FOREPLAY

Gay men don’t wait to get to the bedroom before they spring into action. Our friend Tim, a buttoned-down banker by day, loves to pounce on his partner the second they walk through the door, before he even turns on the lights. It reminds him of his wild days, long ago, when he hooked up with a hot stud in a back room. Whether your fantasy is being a princess saved by a knight from the fire-breathing dragon, being boffed on the beach by a surfer boy, or being held captive by aliens while they have their way with you, it doesn’t matter. The point is to take control, turn the heat up and don’t be afraid to do something memorable.

One boyfriend of Maggie’s fondly recalls the time she marched into his apartment wearing nothing but a pair of heels and her white Claude Montana faux-fur coat. It may have seemed out of character, but it turned him on so much that he still mentions it every year in his Christmas card.

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5

Manual Labor

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Now you’re ready for action. This chapter is perhaps the most important in the book, because the lessons learned here will be useful not only for hand jobs, but can be incorporated into all aspects of your fabulous new sexual encounters. Like con-jugating a verb in French class, these techniques are the building blocks of your new sexual repartee.

Several women have woefully recalled their early encounters of fumbling with a phallus. Maggie was always taught that the proper way to handle a penis was like a good handshake: not too firm and not too weak. That’s poppycock. While there are surely different strokes for different folks, there are also different grips for different trips. One woman we know told us that when she gave her first hand job she never even saw the guy’s penis; it stayed hidden in his pants the whole time.

Even though she was captain of the swim team, she didn’t know the stroke. Hooking up on the high school football field, she reached nervously into his pants, rubbed back and forth blindly, and that was that—probably about forty-five seconds, given his age. How could she have known about the whole range of motions designed to keep men at her beck and call?

THE RIGHT WAY TO GRAB IT

The big moment has finally arrived and it’s time to go for it.

You wrap one arm around his neck, and with the other, you gently massage his erecting penis through his clothes. What he’s wearing is key, because what’s inside his pants will be growing faster than Jack’s beanstalk. If he has on loose gray flannels or pleated pants you’ll have some room to
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maneuver. If he’s wearing tight Levi’s, be extra careful, as one hopes what’s inside will be taking up all the available space.

Whatever he’s wearing, the movement is basically the same; don’t try to grab his testicles or squeeze his penis through the clothes, because he may end up feeling like he was kicked in the nuts. Simply place your open hand, fingers together and pointing downward, on that hard section of erect manhood that’s beginning to bulge, then massage it. Your hand during this motion should be more flat than cupped. Rub it slowly, with the same pressure you might use rubbing Aladdin’s lamp: more than a light dusting, but you don’t need to polish the brass. The genie will pop out before you can say “Shazam.”

THE GREAT ESCAPE

Now it’s time to let it out. Amateurs may try to yank it through his open zipper, but you’re not playing grab bag. Whether it actually fits through his zipper or not is irrelevant; why risk an embarrassing trip to the emergency room? Undo his belt buckle and open any buttons, including that little button inside the waistband of dress pants, and slowly unfasten the zipper.

Here, those Levi’s 501s are great because you can just tear open the button fly with no risk of injury. Once it’s out, he’ll be so happy that he’ll follow you just about anywhere.

Some women become befuddled when confronted with different types of underwear. Whether it’s boxers, briefs or bikinis, lower the elastic so the penis comes out the top; don’t try to pull it through the fly. Do not even attempt to fish around through those goofy, overlapping flaps found on
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
tighty whiteys. This is a good tip if you’re in say, a car, and you’re feeling kind of playful. Once all those clothing layers are cleared you can probably give him a pretty good workout, although we wouldn’t recommend a full climax while driving.

For that matter, we wouldn’t recommend this much at all, other than as a little unexpected pleasure during a road trip.

Your great manual technique will be most fully appreciated in the bedroom. Gay men know not to waste their talents in a traveling road show; better to save it up for your Broadway debut.

So let’s say you’re in the bedroom with all your proper accessories close at hand (see chapter 2). Before you roll into bed, think about staging a stellar performance. Which is your best side, for example? But more important, are you left-or right-handed? If you’re lying side by side, and you’re right-handed, you will want to be to his right, and vice versa. This leaves your stroking hand free. Perfect partners would be those with different dominant hands. But unless you’re ambidextrous, try to land on the side that works for you.

Chances are that unless he’s what we call a “do-me queen,”

once you’re lying in bed, you’ll end up on your back. Let’s assume he’s a good sport and takes the lead by performing some manual labor on you. Let him go to town. When it’s your turn to work on him, however, that right-side, left-side thing comes up. If you need to change sides, this is a good time to show your expertise. Just roll over on top of him, planting a big lus-cious kiss on his lips in the process, then come down on his other side. Now you’re in the perfect position to work some magic. While this may sound more complicated than a game of Twister, it’s really not that diffi-42

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cult. Take a more active role. Gay men roll around in bed all the time; soon it will be second nature. And straight men will like the novelty of your taking control.