Shackled Lily (6 page)

When I look back on my life, there are very few things worth remembering. But this day, my most perfect day, certainly was.

Present Day…

I woke up with a smile, my lips still burning with the memory of Grant’s mouth to mine. No kiss had ever come close to replacing his, no matter how many times I’d wish it would. I sat up in bed sadly as I remembered what happened the day after. I had woken up in a panic, knowing all too well that Grant brought out feelings in me that were dangerous. I remembered my mother’s lifeless eyes at the loss of her first love and bolted out of my dad’s house before anyone saw me.

Grant had texted me later that day.

Grant
:
Where did you go? I was hoping to see you.

Me:
Why?

Grant:
Are you serious?

I shivered as I remember
ed how cold I had been to him.

Me:
Listen Grant, unless you have something important to tell me from my dad, you really shouldn’t be texting this number.

Grant:
Unbelievable!

That was the last conversation we had until a month later when I was at my dad’s again, and we went back to existing without interacting.

5
. the bomb

My release papers were finally signed, and I was getting out of here. The last two days had just about killed me, and I wondered how I would have survived without the chatty nurses on my floor. I had tried to keep the sleeping to a minimum because my dreams came every time I closed my eyes. They were always dreams of one person…the one person I had spent years trying to forget.

I had wanted Jake to come pick me up, but my dad refused, saying he had something important to discuss with me. I cringed at the thought. His “discussions” never meant anything good for me. I sat in the lobby, clicking my fingertips on the chair, noting that my father was thirty minutes late already. Seriously? I could have been halfway to school by now.

I finally saw his large frame as the entrance doors swung open, and tried to hide my annoyance when he pulled me into a bear hug.

“You ready?” he asked cheerfully.

“Yeah, for like an hour now. You’re late.” My dad shot me a look—the one that took me back to when I was seven years old and got a little mouthy. I ignored it and picked up my bag in a huff, walking briskly to the car. Four hours…that’s all I had left with this insufferable man. I took a deep breath. I could do this.

The first hour of the drive was uneventful. I sat in the front texting my friends as we planned my coming home party. My dad conducted business as usual using the hands free device he liked so much. I was almost starting to relax until I noticed that my dad had missed the turn off for Winsor and we were going in the wrong direction.

“Dad,” I said loud enough to interrupt his phone conversation. “You missed our turn. We can’t get to school this way.”

“Hold on a minute,” he said into the phone before glancing my direction. “We’re not going back to school.” The look on my face must have warned him, because he quickly got off the phone with whoever he was speaking to before addressing me.

“Listen, I know you don’t realize this, but you are out of control right now. I think the best thing for you is to stay with me for a little while. I’ve already talked to the Dean at Winsor, and he is fully supportive. It will all be waiting for you in the fall. Meanwhile, I have a friend at Western Carolina who pulled some strings. You’re going to take your classes there this semester and live at the lake. It will be a good change for you.”

I was speechless, no, I think medical shock was probably a more accurate assessment. Finally, the world stopped spinning
, and I found my voice again. “Have you lost your mind?” I screamed at him. It was more like a shrill as I saw him flinch from the sound. “There is no way I am going to Western Carolina and living in that house with you and that whore. You should have just left me to die in my room.”

I watched as my father’s knuckles turned white from gripping the steering wheel, and I actually thought for one second that he might finally hit me. Then I realized he didn’t need to, his words and actions always did far more damage.

“Kaitlyn, you will not speak to me like that!” he yelled back, the vein in his neck moving with each word.

“Don’t call me Kaitlyn!” I screamed back at him, matching his volume level.

We were both out of control, so angry that neither one of us could say a word, just shake and look out the window. My father pulled the car over when he spotted a rest spot and bolted from the car, slamming the door behind him. I watched him walk over to the picnic tables on the far end of the grass and put his hands on his head. I knew I should stay in the car, but with each mile, we were closing in on my prison and moving further and further away from the school I loved. I took a deep breath and made sure I was under control before following my dad.

“You can’t make me go,” I said sternly to his back. “I’m an adult now and you can’t force me or use my mom to manipulate me this time. I won’t live there.”

He turned to face me. He was still tense, but the fury was no longer present in his voice. “I can…and I will, Issy. You may be an adult in the legal sense, but you are still completely dependent on
me
. I pay for your school, your housing, your food, your lifestyle and your car.”

“Fine, cut me off for all I care. Mom makes plenty of money to take care of my school.”

“Your mother and I have already discussed this, and she is in agreement with me. She will not fund one cent of your lifestyle if you choose to go back to Winsor.” His voice was becoming eerily calm. Just like a businessman, he knew when he had the upper hand, when he had his opponent so cornered that they would have to destroy themselves to get out.

“Then I’ll live with Mom and work. I am
not
going to Western Carolina.” My voice was hardened, but I could feel it quiver. I was starting to panic and even though I had spent years training my face to stay void, my dad was picking up on my subtle weakness.

“That too, will not be an option. It’s my way or you’re on your own.”

And there it was. I was trapped, and my mother had betrayed me. No wonder she wouldn’t answer my phone calls. I wondered what my dad had threatened her with to abandon me, but it didn’t matter. The damage was done. He was in control, and I was left a puppet in his world…again.

“I hate you,” I seethed through my teeth.

“That may be the case, Issy, but you are still spending the next eight months at my house. And
if
, which is entirely up to you,
if
you can show me you’ve learned how to behave like a functional adult in that time, you can go back to Winsor in the fall, and this will all be a memory.” 

I didn’t say another word, just spun on my heel and went back to the car. The next couple of hours were so tense that my stomach almost hurt when we finally pulled in the driveway. My dad had attempted conversation, but I refused to speak. It was the one thing I could control
, and despite how childish my silence made me look, I still ignored him completely.

I opened the car door before my father even had the gear shift fully in park and ran up to the front door, trying to escape as quickly as I could.

My father’s voice boomed across the steps. “Kaitlyn, dinner is at seven sharp. You will be there,” he said authoritatively, using my real name as a way to provoke me.

I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction and just gritted my teeth as my fingernails cut into my palms. Getting under control, I started back towards the door just as Grant opened it and stood waiting in the frame. I felt the heat surge into my cheeks the minute I looked in his direction. Those dreams had ruined all my control around him, and I felt as vulnerable and weak as I did seven years ago when he first walked into my life.

I kept my head lowered and attempted to move past him when he grabbed my wrist, forcing me to spin around and face him.

“Are you ok?” he asked calmly.

I glanced up at him, surprised by the surge of emotions his touch and voice forced through me. I knew I was struggling to keep the wall up and searched my head for some snarky comment I could make to stop the ticking time bomb in my heart. But the look in his eyes stopped me. It wasn’t concern or irritation, which was what I was used to seeing from him. No, his face showed a completely new emotion…fear. He looked afraid.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied gently, as I pulled my hand from his and ran up the stairs to my room. I barely got there before the tears came. They were the first tears I had shed in years, and I immediately felt angry and disgusted by them. I would not give this to him. He may control where I live right now, but I would
not
let him get to me. I was too strong for that.

The tears dried as my anger surged, and I made my way to the armoire that sat across from my bed. Inside was a 51” television and every other electronic device a person could want, but that wasn’t what I was looking for. Tucked deep in the back was a hidden cubby that no one would ever notice unless they had looked for it. I felt my whole body relax when I reached back and felt the cold bottleneck of the Vodka I had put there months ago.

I pulled it out and took two quick swigs before placing it back in its hiding place. The cool liquid burned in my throat as I felt it roll down to my stomach, numbing every surface in the process. I was already feeling better as I opened the door to the balcony and gazed down at the lake. I didn’t turn to look when I heard a knock on my door, or when it opened. I wanted this world to disappear. Footsteps moved across my wood floors, and I tensed knowing it was either my father or Grant, and neither was welcome.

“You want to talk about it?” It was Grant, and my stomach flipped over, making me realize that my father would have been a better option.

“No,” I replied curtly, keeping my eyes steady on the lake.

“Well, I do. What were you thinking, Issy? You could have died.” Grant’s voice was tense, the honey sweetness almost completely gone from it. “Do you have any idea how panicked everyone was? Your mother could hardly get the words out when she called me.”

I started laughing. “My mother? Yeah, I’m sure she was devastated.” Sarcasm was dripping from my voice as I felt her betrayal all over again. We had always unified against my father. It was the one thing that kept us steady. Now that was gone too. My father had successfully removed my very last ally.

I felt heavy hands on my arms as Grant jerked me around to face him. “Are you laughing?” he asked exasperated. “Do you not realize how serious this is?”

I struggled out of his grasp, but he was too strong to budge. “Leave me alone, Grant. If I felt like getting lectured and judged, I’d go find my father.”

Grant let me go and turned as if he was going to leave, letting a heavy sigh
hang in the air after him. Then I was in his arms, my head pressed against his hard chest as he held me tight.

“Do you have any idea what my world would look like without you in it? I haven’t been able to breathe thinking I might lose you,” he whispered softly.

I wanted to push him away, to get my bearing once again, but his arms felt so strong and safe, and it had been so long since someone had just held me that I stood frozen against him. His hand moved from my back to my neck, caressing my arm on his way. I felt his soft thumb on my cheek and then my head being tilted up. He was looking at me with an intensity that only comes with the kind of chemistry that Grant and I shared.

I shivered under his touch and watched as his eyes searched mine for some kind of response. I didn’t give one…couldn’t give one. I was standing on the edge of the cliff and any movement would send me over where I would have no hope of recovering.

Grant shook his head sadly. “After all this time, you’re still running away from me. Why?” I stared at him blankly, pulling every memory of my father’s infidelity and my mom’s lifeless body to the surface in order to stay cold and distant from him.

“I’m not running, Grant, and you can
’t lose something you never had to begin with,” I answered, coolly, easing my way out of his arms. “But, in case you haven’t been informed, I’m sentenced here for the next eight months, when I will dutifully be released provided I show I can behave as the robot my father has trained me to be. Playing nice with you, however, was not part of the stipulation, so I’d appreciate it if you don’t try to corner me again.”

He stepped back as if I had slapped him and stared at me for a second before bringing his lips back to my ear. “Just so you know…I don’t believe you. You may be able to hide from everyone else, Issy, but I see right through you.”

It was my turn to be shocked as I watched him storm out of my room. My whole body was trembling, and I barely made it to my bed before collapsing. I had felt more emotion in the last three days than I had in the last three years, and the feeling was consuming me. I felt weak and insecure as I laid there staring up at the ceiling.

I had redecorated my room on my sixteenth birthday and now the recessed circle in the ceiling was pitch black, as were the walls, upholstery and bedding. It was a visual reminder of what my heart looked like. Somehow looking around the room made me feel better. It reminded me of my promise to myself. It reminded me who I was and how important it was to stay guarded in this place. My father could sniff out weakness, and destroy a person before they ever knew what was happening. He had done it with my mother and would no doubt do it with Anna whenever he got tired of her. Well, he’d made one critical error when he thought bringing me here would break me—he had already turned me to stone.

I looked at the large silver wall clock that hung over my corner fireplace. It was 6:30, leaving me thirty minutes to get ready. I swung my feet over the bed and headed towards the armoire with a purpose. Thirty minutes was plenty of time.

By the time I bounced down the stairs for dinner, I had a nice buzz going. Everyone was already seated when I came in the dining room and placed a small peck on my father’s cheek.

“Hi, Daddy,” I said sweetly as I took my seat. Then I nodded in the witch’s direction. “Anna.”

I saw a small smile start to move on my father’s face before he caught it and scolded me. “You’re late, Issy.”

I looked up at the wall clock that showed I was exactly three minutes tardy. Good grief. “My mistake, I’m still on college time, I guess,” I continued sweetly as I loaded up my plate. The one saving grace in this prison was Rosa’s cooking. She had perfected the art of a family dinner.