Shades of Blue (22 page)

Her friends’ comments both challenged her and scared her. She didn’t want to think about her feelings toward Brad, or the call not to condemn. He had brought this on himself, right? Surely God wasn’t talking about a situation like hers or Nelly’s. She paused, focused on her pounding heart. Or maybe He was. She pushed the thoughts from her mind.

Amy read the next section, “ ‘Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?’”

Laura tried not to tune out. A person had to have a plank in their eye in order to be guilty of paying attention to someone else’s speck. Wasn’t it possible that sometimes the plank really was in the eye of the other person? She tried again to focus on the verses.

“ ‘… You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.’ ”

Megan angled her head. “Joey and I were looking at these verses the other day.” Her eyes were intent. “We noticed something we hadn’t thought about before. If a person had a plank in their eye, of course their vision would be off. They wouldn’t see anything right. Not their brother’s mistakes or their own.”

A series of nods went around the room. “I never thought about that.” Bella Joy stared at her Bible again. “That’s good. You wouldn’t know you had a plank.”

Laura sat back in her chair. Bella Joy’s words hit her straight on because the truth was, she wasn’t without fault. What was wrong with her faith that seconds ago she’d thought herself to have such clear vision? She was critical and judgmental, especially when she was crossed. She’d never been called to forgive anything like this, and she was struggling even to imagine it. What did that say about her? She hid her shame and listened.

Nelly released an exaggerated sigh. “Okay … but what if you’re in a situation like mine. Your husband walks out on you and marries someone else. Am I supposed to look the other way, love him anyway, and do everything possible not to judge or condemn him?” She let her shoulders sag forward and her voice cracked. “The jerk broke my heart.”

Bella Joy put an arm around Nelly and hugged her. She didn’t say anything, didn’t offer a spiritual insight to the verse or another Scripture that might help enlighten Nelly to a more godly attitude. She just held her. No one else said anything either. Because that’s the sort of friends they were.

And it was why after they finished with the verses, Laura felt safe enough to finally say what was on her mind. She waited for a break in the conversation.

“Brad’s going back to North Carolina.” Her tone more than her words told them this was not the sort of trip he’d taken the week before. The girls turned toward her, surprise registering on their faces.

“To see his parents again?” Megan was the first to seek clarity.

Laura stared at her lap. She still couldn’t believe this was happening, that the words she was about to say were actually real. “We had a serious talk a few days ago. He told me things I didn’t know about him.” She didn’t feel like crying anymore. In this moment she felt nothing but betrayal.

“About what?” Anna’s tone was kind.

“His past, things I never would’ve believed.” She took a long breath and let it out slowly. “He made choices in his past that … that really hurt his first girlfriend.” She didn’t want to go too much into detail. “He talked to a Christian counselor, and Brad thinks he needs to apologize. Now … before we get married.” She felt the heat in her cheeks. The story coming from her was so foreign she didn’t recognize her voice. “He says he can’t get married until he makes things right.” She paused as long as she could. “He’s going back to North Carolina to find her.”

By the looks on her friends’ faces, she might as well have told them she was joining the circus. The silence around her built until someone needed to say something. Nelly went first. “Wow. I think I’m in shock. Of all the guys …”

“Why did he wait till now to tell you?” Megan put her hand on Laura’s shoulder. “I mean, couldn’t he have worked through this a year ago?”

Laura felt void of any emotion but anger. “He says it didn’t hit him. Not until a week ago.”

“Have you told your parents?” Bella Joy looked nervous at the idea. “They must’ve flipped.”

“I didn’t tell them. You’re the only ones.”

More silence. Anna shifted in her chair so she was facing Laura. “What’re you going to do?”

Sorrow worked its way into the mix. “I don’t know. Brad doesn’t want to cancel the wedding. He says he’ll take care of this and come home. We can get married like everything’s fine.”

“Is that how you feel?” Nelly’s tone was doubtful. “Because if he lied about that, who knows what else he’s lied about.”

“Exactly.” Laura needed this, the chance to share what happened with her closest friends. “I told him I need time. I can’t decide yet.”

“The whole thing sounds shady.” Nelly narrowed her eyes. “I have to be honest, I wouldn’t marry him. Not after what I went through in Nashville.”

Anna frowned. “That’s hard.” She clearly wasn’t as one-sided as Nelly. “Maybe it’s good he’s being honest now.”

“But he’s going back to
her.
” Nelly was amazed. “The writing’s on the wall, girls. It couldn’t be any clearer.”

Laura nodded. Yes, she loved Brad. But that was the Brad she
thought
he was. Not this uncertain guy, a guy with a dark past and a desire to see his first love — for whatever reason.

“Joey always says every story has two sides.” Megan seemed to choose her words carefully. The atmosphere in the room was already tense. “Maybe you’re right. You need time before you can make any decision.”

“Either way, we’re sorry.” Bella Joy looked like she could cry. “This isn’t how the last weeks before your wedding should go.”

They were silent again. Amy hadn’t said much, but now she gave Laura a sad look. “Everyone has a past. That’s the first thing that’s obvious when I meet someone. A lot of times that’s where our conversations start and end.”

Laura hadn’t thought about that either. She pictured Amy meeting someone — at church, maybe. Going out for coffee and getting into a conversation. If she was honest, then pretty early on she needed to explain her situation. She’d been raped and she’d given birth to twin girls as a result. For a lot of guys looking for a nice Christian girl to take home to his parents, that would be the end of the story. Even though Amy wasn’t at fault.

Bella Joy held her hands out to the others. “Let’s pray.” She looked at Laura. “We’re all here for you. Whatever you need, just call.”

The others added their agreement. Nelly’s look said if Laura was even thinking about taking Brad back she should call. Nelly would set her straight. Laura wasn’t ready to think about any of it. But she was grateful to have the truth out in the open. The way Brad probably felt now. Anna led the prayer that night, asking God to grant all of them wisdom and kindness as the situation with Laura played out. “Help us — each of us — to apply what we’ve learned tonight to every area of our lives. And give Laura the comfort of knowing you’re with her, Father. Even in the darkest times, you’re with all of us.”

Laura didn’t want to stay and talk with the others. She’d said all there was to say, and she needed to be alone to process their comments and prayers. But when she got home, she found her parents watching a Sandra Bullock movie, the lights low. If there’d been a way to slip by them without being noticed, she would’ve found it. There was none.

“Hey there,” her dad was always happy. He sat a little higher in the cushy leather sofa. “How was Bible study?”

“Great.” She smiled, not quite stopping as she walked past them. The house smelled warm and clean, a mix of cinnamon and vanilla. Laura tried to focus on how good it felt to be home, and not the turmoil in her soul, but her parents seemed to be waiting for more, so she nodded in their direction. “It was at Megan’s house.”

“Honey,” her mom turned to face her. “I was hoping you might have a minute.”

Laura’s heart raced in response. She stopped, her smile still in place. “Sure … what’s up?”

“Well …” her mother seemed baffled, as if it was quite obvious what was up. They were in the final stages of planning a wedding for more than three hundred people. She released a nervous laugh. “I guess I’m wondering why we aren’t working on the wedding this week.”

“To be honest, Brad’s been quieter than usual around the office.” Her dad wasn’t trying to pry. He was simply close enough to the situation to see when things weren’t quite normal. “Everything’s okay, right? With you two?”

She hated lying. It was the very thing she was most upset with Brad about. “We’re working through some things.” Her smile held. “Nothing to worry about.”

But even with her happy assurance, their expressions both became subtly alarmed. “What could you possibly be working through?” Her mom slid to the edge of her seat, her brow furrowed. “You mean wedding details? That sort of thing?”

Laura felt like crying. But she chuckled instead. “Something like that.”

“Oh.” Relief filled her eyes. “At least you’re working it out.”

“Brad mentioned needing Friday off, maybe spending Memorial Day weekend back in North Carolina.” Laura’s father frowned. “Everything okay with his parents?”

“Definitely.” She found her smile again. “Just something he needs to do, I guess.”

There. She hadn’t lied. But still she was exhausted from pretending everything was okay when her world was falling apart around her. “I’m kind of tired.” She went to them and kissed them each on the cheek. She loved them deeply. She needed them now more than ever — that part was as real as the air they breathed. “Good night.”

Her father hesitated, but not for long. A smile spread across his face. “Four and a half weeks.” He touched his fingers to her face. “I’m so happy for you, honey.”

Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked them back before he could notice. “Thank you, Daddy. You and Mom have been amazing.”

“We always dreamed of this.” Her mom touched her arm. “You get some sleep. We’ll talk about favors later.”

Much later, Laura thought. She gave them one last smile, hugged them both, and then headed for her room. She had told herself she’d look at the Bible verses again, ask God what He wanted her to take from that section of Scripture. But she was too worn out to do anything but brush her teeth and crawl into bed. She hadn’t talked to Brad more than a few times since Monday, but she knew this much:

He was flying out to Raleigh tomorrow night.

Thinking about that made her ache for missing him. Lying in bed she was not the strong, indignant young woman she’d been with her friends earlier that night. She loved Brad Cutler … she always would. Tears filled her eyes and streamed onto her pillow until the soft cotton was damp beneath her cheek. Why was he leaving her? And what if he never came back? She didn’t need anyone to weigh in on how she should feel or what she should do. No matter how much his truth hurt, and regardless of what he found back in North Carolina, an ironclad realization came over her as she cried softly into her pillow. She wanted him back, wanted to spend the rest of her life with him because she loved him.

Despite every bit of anger and betrayal, she still loved him.

Seventeen

I
N THE DAYS AFTER HIS TALK
with Laura, Brad hadn’t needed a private detective to figure out that his mother’s information was right — Emma Landon lived and worked in Holden Beach. Brad called a buddy who owned a diner near the shore and the conversation gave him everything he needed.

Emma was a first grade teacher at Jefferson Elementary, single with no children. “She has a dog. I’ve seen them running on the beach a few times,” the friend told him. “From what I hear she keeps to herself. A quiet type, sort of like she was in high school.”

Brad thanked the guy, but he stared at the phone for a full minute after the call ended. A quiet type? Emma hadn’t been quiet back in the day, not before that summer. She would race him down the beach, laughing her head off, or walk into a coffee shop pretending to speak only French, muttering foreign phrases and trying to gesture her drink order until Brad had to turn away so he wouldn’t bust up. It had been her idea to walk up to complete strangers and launch into a conversation about some past shared experience that never happened.

“Harry, right? From the wedding last May? We sat together.” She’d smile like she’d known him forever. “What a great time.” She’d carry on for a few minutes — nothing rude or intentionally harmful. Then she’d leave the poor guy beyond confused. Brad would shake his head, embarrassed for her. But she’d walk off giggling and grinning, her face turned full to the sun. The old Emma.

Living alone? A quiet type?

He packed the knowledge in his hurting heart and enough clothes for the weekend in his carry-on bag. Thursday after work he boarded the last flight from LaGuardia to Raleigh. Nothing was certain with Laura, except his love for her. That would never change — no matter what he found on the shores of Holden Beach. But Laura hadn’t wanted to talk to him much these last few days. Brad took his familiar window seat and stared into the fading sunlight. He didn’t blame her.

The flight gave him time to transition from his world to Emma’s, to the world she’d made for herself since he’d walked away. They’d made a baby together and lost it, and they’d never found closure. Of course he needed to go back. He should’ve done this years ago. Another memory came to life. It was April during his senior year and all the guys were asking girls to the prom.

He and a few guys from the basketball team decided to have a little fun with the process. They worked with the school’s various coaches so that when Emma and two of her friends walked into their PE class first thing that Monday, Mr. Garrison, the football coach, met them near the door. Brad and his teammates were watching unseen from the coach’s office.

“You’re late,” Garrison barked.

Emma stopped short, the hint of a smile on her lips. “Us?”

“Yes.” His voice boomed through the gym. “Drop and give me twenty. All three of you.”