Shades of Gray: A Jude Magdalyn Novel (20 page)

“I’ll be sure to pass the news along. They probably won’t listen, but at least if you do kill them, they’ll have brought it on themselves.” I couldn’t tell if Theo’s statement was serious or not, and whether he’d be upset if I did kill them or shrug the entire thing off. I stared at him, trying to figure it out, but gave up after a moment.

“Try and restrain yourself, Jude. At the moment we don’t have time to deal with finding two replacements, not to mention Hart would enjoy knowing you were killing your people off.”

Frustrated, I threw my hands in the air. “Fine, fine. I won’t kill them, but not because I adore their snide remarks and backhanded compliments.”

“Much appreciated, Jude.” Rian stood, stretching and making a number of popping sounds. At my raised eyebrows, he replied, “Cracking my back. Enjoy your youth.”

“Seriously, you’re like, what, six years older than she is, if that?” Theo shook his head, his hand creeping back up to rest on my knee. The constant touching made my vow of celibacy even more unappealing. As the ever-present warmth spread out from his hand, I upgraded the vow to very, very unappealing.

“Ah, but what a difference a few years can make, especially when you throw in alcohol and drug use.” Rian popped his knuckles then his elbows, working his way up to his shoulders. “Really, enjoy your youth. You only get it once. And some of those things you enjoy doing won’t be comfortable when you don’t contort as easily.”

With that, Rian strolled out whistling, hands shoved in his pockets. Gillian refrained from commenting on my open mouth. She merely followed Rian out, leaving Theo and I alone. A long moment of silence stretched between us, interrupted only by the crackling of the fireplace. Finally, Theo spoke, although it wasn’t what I’d expected him to say.

“So, was he talking about your crazy contortion moves, or mine?”

Chapter Twenty

The door opened a
crack and I jerked my head up. Sliding the book off my lap, I tiptoed to stand behind the door. After a pause, the person on the other side poked their head in and looked right and left before speaking.

“Jude, if you’re in here—.”

Recognizing Theo’s voice, I reached around the door, grasping his wrist and yanked him into the dim room. I shut the door behind him, careful not to slam it and put my finger over my lips to shush him when he opened his mouth to speak. He shut it, but not before looking at me like I’d lost my mind. Since psychosis would be my eventual state, I didn’t take offense.

I’ve always thought people were stupid to be offended by the truth.

Moving past him I sat back down on the sofa, curling my legs up under me kindergarten fashion. Difficult to achieve in a dress, but I accomplished it. I’d been wearing mostly dresses and skirts since my dip in the river, and I had the sneaking suspicion someone bought me more clothes and kept sliding them in my closet when I wasn’t looking. I had to be careful not to flash the room when I wasn’t sitting like a lady.

I pulled the book back into my lap and Theo eased down beside me. For a few minutes only the sound of our breathing and the rustle of pages existed between us. Then he whispered, “Why are we being quiet?”

I flipped another page before answering him, my voice hushed. “Whispers carry further than low voices.”

I tucked my tongue in my cheek to keep from laughing when he heaved an exaggerated sigh. Mimicking my tone, he asked, “So why are we being kinda quiet?”

I flipped another page, pausing to study the writing. It might be useful against Hart, then again, maybe not. Dog-earing the page, I answered, “Because I’m hiding.”

Theo let the news digest for a moment, and I flipped another page. Love spells and, based on the handwriting; she’d been in her late teens. How well any of them worked was debatable, especially if she’d invented them herself, but the attempt showed a nice diversity. I wouldn’t be using any of them - my life contained enough complications without throwing in love spells. Part of those complications sat next to me, knee-patting routine in full swing.

“And why, exactly, are we hiding?”

“I’m hiding, not you. And I’m hiding because if I have to explain how to sight the arrow one more time, I’ll scream or punch someone.” The next two pages gave me pause and my heart lurched painfully in my chest. I should have expected something like this, but still a shock.

“Since I’m here with you, that means we’re hiding. And what has you so absorbed?” Theo tugged on the corner of the book, bending his head, and I let him pull the book over a few inches to sit between us. I studied the slight curl of his hair at the nape of his neck, and clenched my fist to keep from running my fingers through the thick mass.

Fighting temptation is way, way difficult.

“Gillian gave you your mother’s Book of Shadows? Whenever the former leader of the Covenant passes on, their Book of Shadows is locked away. I’ve never known of any being brought back out.” Theo glanced up at me for a second, his face lit with humor. “Nice to see you’re going to have a textbook of sorts to study, in addition to practical lessons.”

“Yeah, because bookwork was always on my list of favorite things to do back with the nuns,” I shot back, pulling at the book. “Besides, I haven’t really been able to get anything of use from it, not really. A lot of what she wrote I’ve either already figured out, or Gillian has told me. Or is something Gillian can do eyes closed with one hand tied behind her back.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a top notch teacher in Gillian. Gossip puts her in the top five of Covenant members, power wise.” Theo tugged the book back, flipped a page and made me scowl. “Even if it’s not magically useful, at the very least you get some more memories of your parents.”

“What about yours? Where are they?” Our situation felt strangely intimate, talking in hushed tones in a dark, secret room. Like being a kid again, tucked up in a tree house or in a makeshift fort; or those few moments after sex, before things get complicated again, and all the world has narrowed down to just the bed and the two of you. Not a good idea to think about beds around Theo. Probably a very bad idea.

“They died a few years ago. Drunk driver on the bridge, their car went into Lake Pontchartrain.” Theo slid the book closer so I could take a look at the writing on the page. “The police said it was probable my dad would have survived, but he wouldn’t leave my mother - her seatbelt jammed in the crash. Now and then, I’ll wake up in the morning, thinking my mom is downstairs making breakfast.”

I gave in, running my fingers through the curls at the nape of his neck. “People say if you give it enough time, things like that stop.”

He turned his head, a sad, wistful smile on his lips. “I hope they don’t. It’s nice to have some part of them with me, even though they’re gone.” He turned another page, stopping. His smile changed, became lighter, more like his normal smile. “Nice for you, too, that your mother liked to sketch as much as she liked to do spell work.”

Curious, I pulled the book closer, my fingers still working through his hair. I gasped, and then covered my mouth with my hand at the noise. All my sniping at Theo, and I’d be the one to give us up. Hard not to make some sort of noise when I suddenly had two pages of sketches of my parents fall into my lap.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get over how young they were. They’d just be fifty or so if they’d lived.”

“Rian was even younger. He was about five.” Theo winced, and I apologized, unclenching my fingers and going back to stroking. Involuntary reactions can be a bitch sometimes.

“He got those marks on his back when he was five? Jesus Christ, he’s lucky to have lived.”

“One of the last things your mother did was to focus her energy to heal him.” Theo’s hand rested over mine, squeezing it for a moment. “She wasn’t a very good healer, according to my mom, but she did that one last thing before leaving the city.”

“It’s strange, hearing the stories, seeing all these things that were hers. They make her more real, but still, she’s just…” I trailed off, because I couldn’t think of how to say what I meant. I should have known Theo would understand anyway.

“She’s just the person who gave birth to you. Just like he’s only the man your mother loved.”

“Loved more than me.” I didn’t realize the words were in my head until they were out of my mouth. Hell, I didn’t even know I felt that way until I said it.

Theo didn’t say anything for a moment, and I began to feel nervous. Me and my stupid mouth. When he spoke, I jumped, because it seemed to boom in the quiet of the room. “I’d love to say you were silly, but I can understand why you’d feel that way.”

“You can?”

“Yeah, I can. Your parents are supposed to love you more than anything, to want what’s best for you at all costs. Your mom just gave up, at a time when you really, really needed her, because she didn’t think life worth living without your dad.” Theo turned the page, and we were back to spells. “I’d probably be a little pissed off, too.”

“Are you angry with your parents for dying?” I studied his face, watching for any change in expression.

His eyes went distant a second before he closed them. “Yeah, now and then, when I have a really bad day - or a really good one - I want to tell them about and I can’t. Around Mardi Gras, when I wake up and there’s nobody to start the day with pancakes. I get angry, and wonder why they were on the bridge, or why my dad didn’t at least try to live.” He opened his eyes, and the look in them had tears stinging the corners of mine. “Yeah, I get mad sometimes.”

I slid my hand from his hair to drape my arm around his shoulder, leaning into him. I laid my head down on his shoulder, sighing deeply. “We’re horrible children, aren’t we, Theo?”

He laughed, and I felt the tension ease out of him. He leaned back into the sofa, and I shifted around until I curled up against him, my mother’s book settled comfortably in our laps. “Absolutely. We’d break our mother’s hearts a million times if they’d lived.”

“Me, definitely. You, I don’t know.” I shook my head, and my hair tickled my arm. “I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. For me to say or do something that’s going to make you step back and go ‘Oh, hell no.’”

“I told you once, Jude. Nothing short of death will make me not love you.” I felt the brief press of lips against the top of my head, and I had to concentrate on not crying the tears I’d been so sure were dried up. “Eventually, you’ll get used to the idea. It’s kind of like the weather.”

“Love is kind of like the weather? Theo, the weather’s always changing, especially here. One day it’s hot as hell, the next you need a boat, and the day after that you need a parka.”

“Jude, I’m not talking about the various facets of weather. Yes, they change, but weather itself always is.” Theo bent his head level with mine. “Am I reading what I think I’m reading?”

“Sex spells.”

Theo tilted his head to one side, and I knew even before he opened his mouth he would say something slick. “Do you really think it’s possible to do some of these things?”

“You’re asking me? I’ve always been one of those people who thought oysters being aphrodisiacs was a load of crap.” Now that he’d mentioned the possibility of reality, I couldn’t help but actually read one or two of them. I was glad for the dimness of the room, because even with my skin color he’d have noticed my blushing. If it’s weird to think about your parents having sex, and even weirder to have confirmation - other than you - they have sex, it’s another league of weird to find out about their fantasies.

“Oysters as aphrodisiacs make no sense. Chocolate, I get. But oysters? I’m with you.” Theo’s pointer finger slid down the page, tapping on it for a moment. “I think this one is feasible. And I know we have all the materials needed. Come on, let’s go.”

“Oh, no. No, no, no.” I yanked the book back and slammed it shut, coughing when dust mites flew up into my face. “We are not going to try and work a sex spell out of my dead mother’s Book of Shadows.”

“You’re not curious at all.” Theo’s voice was calm, his face set in his normal placid lines. One look at his eyes told me exactly what went on behind them, and a peek down told me it was a very happy thought indeed.

“Absolutely not.” Liar. “Besides, I’m not having sex with you.”

“Oh, really.” Probably not the best thing to say. Theo shifted around until his back pressed against the side of the sofa, facing me. I slid the book onto the floor, turning to face him squarely. Since the movement also put a little more space between us, I thought it strategic.

It would have been until Theo’s hand flashed out, wrapping around my wrist and pulling me to lie across him. Struggling would have been undignified and raised my dress more than a little, so I sprawled on his lap, trying to think of how to extricate myself from the tangle I’d gotten into.

Lesson learned. Never tell a man you’re not going to have sex with him when you’ve already sucked on his tongue in public. Nothing says challenge like a definite no.

“Perhaps you’d be kind enough to tell me why you’re not going to have sex with me.” Theo’s voice might sound reasonable, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think he wasn’t a little annoyed with me. Despite the fact I once again occupied his lap, he didn’t feel as happy to have me there as he would have a few minutes ago.

The knowledge stung, but I’m nothing if not temperamental.

“Not just you. I’m not planning on having sex with anyone, anytime soon. My life is complicated enough at the moment, and sex would make it worse.”

“Jude, you make your life too complicated.” One hand threaded through my hair at the nape of my neck, tugging just hard enough to trip my pulse into double-time. The other worked some sort of magic, of the purely chemical sort, on the spot behind my ear. It took every bit of self-control to not agree with whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.

Another lesson. Never sit in a darkened room with a man you’re attracted to when you both really, really want to jump each other’s bones unless you plan on following through.

Which I wasn’t going to do. Really.

His mouth held the same crazy heat from our previous kiss, and I couldn’t help but sigh as it moved over my jaw line. He burned everywhere he touched and the dirty thought of him being hot in other places had me pushing closer. Our clothes were still on. Sex stayed off the radar; Or, on the very, very outer edges.

There’s something illicit about making out with a guy in a darkened room, trying to convince yourself you’re not going to have sex. Like being back in high school again, you know what you want to do and what you shouldn’t, and the two are completely opposite of one another. I thought so, anyway. I’d never made out with guys in high school.

“You what?”

Damn my totally inactive filter. My voice sounded hoarse and shaky, from desire and shame. Theo knew about my time on the streets, so I couldn’t understand why the fact shamed me. “I never kissed a single person until after I left the orphanage. Until I was on the streets.”

Theo’s mouth stilled next to my ear, and some part of me I hadn’t been aware of tensed up. This would be the thing to make him duck and run. “You were a virgin when you ran away?”

“For about a week. Then I had the choice of either selling drugs or selling me.” Somehow my head had settled against his chest, and I couldn’t help but hide my face in his neck. “I didn’t have the money or the stomach to sling drugs. Not at first.”

The hand playing with my ear slid down my back, then back up. It took a long moment to realize he tried to soothe me for things beyond his control. Not condemning, or questioning, or brushing it under the rug. Just accepting the truth, and doing what he could for me.

If I had to pinpoint one moment, just one, I think it would have been there, in the darkened room, with death and sex and survival swirling in the air.

I seriously started to fall for Theo in that moment.