Shadow of the Moon (14 page)

I was overwhelmed to think he had put so much thought into this, that he had wanted me that much. I thought of all the times he’d touched me, reached out to me.

I shook my head emphatically. “It doesn’t matter. That you shift into a panther. I think you’re gorgeous.”

I couldn’t be certain, but I thought he blushed.

“Is that why I can’t feel your emotions? Because you’re a different breed?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I guess.”

I’d known something was different about him, but I’d have never guessed this.

“Who knows?” I asked. “That you’re not a wolf?”

“No one, as far as I know. The elders may suspect, but they’ve never said anything. I’ve worked really hard not to let anyone see me shift.”

“Why? Why did you keep it secret from everyone?”

“We’re not like you.” Shaking his head, he leaned back, stretching out his arms and gripping the sides of the pool. “We don’t live in packs. We don’t mate for life. Wolves come together and fight for each other. We take on the characteristics of our species. Black panthers, leopards—whatever name you give us—we’re loners. We don’t seek each other out. Coming here was against my nature.”

“Why did you stay, then?”

Leaning his head back, he again studied the rock ceiling as if it held the answer. When he returned his gaze to mine, I couldn’t have looked away if I wanted.

“Because we’re so solitary, there are only about a dozen of us left. But you won’t find us on any endangered species list. I thought if I came here, if I watched the way the wolves worked together, that I’d learn a way to bring my own kind together, to find a way to ensure that as a breed of Shifter we survive.”

I gave him a crooked grin. “And instead you almost found yourself with a wolf for a mate.”

“I don’t want it to be
almost
, Hayden. I want it to happen.”

Tears stung my eyes. “It can’t. Don’t you understand that? If there wasn’t a harvester—” What was worse? To know that if there was no harvester, I’d accept him in a heartbeat or to think that I wouldn’t accept him under any circumstances? I wanted to be with him so badly. But the timing sucked.

“I’m not afraid of what might happen tomorrow night,” he said.

“Well, I am. And you’re a fool if you’re not.”

“Which is why you need a mate. To be there with you. Completely. I think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. If you accept me as your mate, I promise that I’ll follow the tradition of your kind and be loyal to you.”

“Daniel, I can’t decide this now,” I muttered. He cared enough for me to risk his life, and I cared enough for him not to let him do it.

“Are you…appalled by what I am?” he asked.

I almost came up out of the pool. “God, no. Why would you think that?”

“I’m not exactly what you’re used to.”

“And you’ve met a lot of girls who experience others’ emotions?”

He grinned. “No. I can honestly say that I’ve never met anyone like you.”

And I thought he was talking about more than this ability I possessed, that in an offhanded way he was giving me a compliment. He was baring so much of himself to me. It was what I’d always wanted from a guy. I didn’t expect it to be this hard. Because if I gave him reason to think we could be together, if I encouraged him, then tomorrow I could lose him. Was it better to lose him tonight? To reject his heartfelt declarations?

Maybe. But not at that moment. Not yet. I wanted more time with him. But not here.

“I think I’m starting to shrivel,” I said. “Can we get out now?”

“Sure. I’ll go first and wait for you in the other part of the cave.” He started to submerge.

“Daniel?”

Stopping, he looked at me.

I swallowed hard. “It doesn’t make any difference to me. What you shift into. Well”—I rolled my eyes—“I’d probably be weirded out if you shifted into a rat or something, but I like you…a lot. A whole lot.”

“Even though I dragged you back to a place where you didn’t want to be?”

Before I could respond, he went beneath the water and emerged from the pool in panther form. In spite of the fact that we had to tear off our clothes in order to shift, we were modest. I watched as his long, sleek body practically stalked out of the cave. He really was gorgeous. Whether he was in panther or human form.

But I didn’t know how the bonding worked between different species. I couldn’t tap into his emotions. Would he be able to read my thoughts? Would we be able to communicate telepathically when we were in animal form? When we weren’t, would we know each other’s thoughts like other bonded couples?

Everything he’d told me should have made what I was going to face tomorrow easier. Instead it only made it that much more difficult. Now I had so much more to lose.

“So what does it mean exactly?”

I was lying on the mound of blankets, trailing my finger over Daniel’s tattoo. It looked like black fire outlined in brilliant blue bursting out of his shoulder, flames trailing down his bicep. But over the back of his shoulder was a series of Celtic knots. I didn’t think they represented my name. I thought he’d respect my wishes enough not to get the symbol for my name tattooed on his shoulder. Besides, this was his right shoulder and the tattoo associated with one’s mate usually went on the left, closer to the heart.

Propped up on his elbow, he was stretched out beside me. After I’d left the pool and gotten dressed, I’d joined him. He’d been wearing his shirt until I asked him to take it off. I’d wanted to see his ink, to learn everything about him.

“The different tentacles represent the separation of my kind,” he told me now. “Each standing alone. The knots represent your kind—the way they’re woven together. They’re stronger.”

“Wow. You gave it a lot of thought.”

“Don’t you think we should—to anything that’s going to be permanent?”

I knew he was talking about mates. About how the bonding ritual shouldn’t be taken lightly. I could honestly say that both of us were giving it a great deal of thought.

“I wish we had more time to be together, to explore our feelings,” he said quietly.

I’d always heard that cats were aloof creatures, but I thought Daniel was searching for a connection, wanted one as badly as I did.

“Before my full moon?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

But I wasn’t convinced it’d make any difference. I knew how I felt about him. I was falling for him. That wasn’t going to change.

“If you’re hurt, do you still heal more rapidly in Shifter form?” I asked, thinking how dangerous tomorrow night would be. No matter how much I tried not to let it into my thoughts, it was slithering through anyway. When it did, despair would hit me and I’d fight it back. I didn’t want anything to ruin this moment.

“Yes. I’m like you in every way except I turn into a panther. Oh, and I don’t feel others’ emotions.”

“So you can read the other Shifters’ thoughts when you’re in panther form?”

“Yeah. That’s a common connection between us, I guess.”

“Can you read my thoughts now?”

Disappointment flashed in his eyes. He knew where I was going with this. “No.”

“They say true mates know what the other is thinking, even when they’re in human form.”

“Maybe it happens after the bond is created with the first shift.”

“Maybe. So how did you…I mean, if your kind doesn’t hang out together, how did you learn about your family?”

“Came home from my first year at college—found them. My family was close, but I couldn’t tell you where any other Shifters in the area lived. We didn’t seek each other out. My mom had mentioned Wolford, talked about other clans of Shifters. She knew a little of the history. Enough to get me here.”

I skimmed my fingers up into his hair. “I can’t imagine what you must have felt. Finding them.”

Taking my hand, he nibbled on my fingers, signaling that he was changing the subject, that he didn’t want to take a trip down Memory Lane into the dark memories. “I don’t want anything to happen to you when you face your full moon.”

I forced myself to grin. “Well, something’s going to happen. I’ll transform.”

“Are you afraid?”

I was, for myself and him, but I wasn’t going to admit it to him, so I shook my head. “Not yet anyway. Who knows what I’ll feel when the moment comes.”

Threading his fingers through my hair, he combed them down its length. “I think you’re courageous. I don’t think it’ll defeat you.”

“Courageous? Uh, did you forget I ran away?”

He held my gaze. “That took courage. You didn’t know what you’d find out there.”

Neither had he when he’d begun his trek to Wolford.

“Are we what you thought we’d be?” I asked.

“Better. Everyone welcomed me. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Why didn’t you let anyone know you’re a panther?”

“It’s a part of myself I’m not used to sharing. Always hid it from the Statics. Other than my family, no other Shifters were around to share it with. I wasn’t ashamed. Just cautious. Didn’t know how…it would all work out. And I certainly wasn’t expecting you. You’re strong, Hayden. And that makes you sexy as hell.”

Then he kissed me. I loved the way he kissed. Boldly and with confidence. I rolled into him and he tucked me beneath him. His skin was warm beneath my fingers. I loved the strength I felt in his muscles. Even in human form I could feel the lingering remnants of the big cat: sleek, powerful.

I felt safe with him. But I was also afraid. Afraid I’d lose this.

I tried not to think about it. I tried to focus on us, on what I wanted for the future. I fought to remain positive.

We kissed, talked, and laughed throughout the night. Sharing our pasts, what we remembered of our families, our dreams for the future. I thought I should have been tired when the candles burned out and the sunlight crept in through the cave entrance. But I felt rejuvenated, refreshed, ready to face whatever the coming night might bring.

I was prepared to meet my destiny.

And I knew what my answer would be when Daniel declared me as his mate. It would be no. Because I wouldn’t risk losing him.

SIXTEEN

We took our time walking back to the manor. It was such a clear, crisp day that it was difficult to accept that a virtual storm was brewing for tonight.

The closer we got to our destination, the more emotions began flittering in and out of me. Anxiety, fear, dread, anticipation. None of them were mine, but they mirrored mine. I wanted to be brave, I wanted to be strong, but the truth was that I was scared. And I resented like hell that the harvester was tainting what should have been an awesome night of awakening and deepening a bond with my mate. When I’d returned to Wolford at the beginning of winter break, I’d been cautiously hopeful that maybe I would find someone willing to go through my first shift with me. But I’d never expected to find someone like Daniel, someone whom I truly wanted to share that moment with. At times what I felt for him seemed too big to contain. And to know that he had such strong feelings for me—it was a gift I’d never truly expected to receive.

I didn’t want to throw it back in his face. But I wasn’t willing to risk the consequences that came with accepting it. That saddened and infuriated me. I didn’t realize how hard I was squeezing Daniel’s hand until he joked, “If you don’t loosen your grip, I’m going to have to shift to mend a broken bone.”

Immediately I let go. “Oh God, I’m sorry.”

He gave me a tender smile. “It’s okay. Their emotions are starting to invade you, aren’t they?”

They were, but they weren’t the source of my rising tension or fear. Still I nodded. I wanted to lessen his worries about me.

He calmly glanced around, as though measuring threats and contemplating possibilities. I wondered if anything unsettled him. Now that I knew he was a panther at heart, I understood the stillness that I’d witnessed in him so many times. I could envision him stretched out on a tree branch, his tail swinging lazily.

“Maybe we shouldn’t go back,” he said. “Maybe we should return to the cave and wait for your full moon. You don’t need to be bombarded all day with everyone else’s fears and anxieties. You probably have enough of your own.”

More than enough. They not only centered around me but around him. I’d never understood how much responsibility came with love. As incredible as it was to experience the emotion, it was equally terrifying.

His idea was so appealing, to simply spend the rest of the day with him, but I found myself shaking my head. “Maybe while continuing to scour through the ancient texts the elders will have discovered something else to help us.” I knew they wanted to find something more foolproof. “I should have stayed with them, helped them search.”

He touched my cheek in a familiar gesture that I was coming to expect. He was so tough on the outside, but he held such tenderness. “Do you regret spending last night with me?”

I smiled softly, filtering through the hoarded memories. “I wouldn’t trade anything for last night. But now I have to face reality, and that means shoring up walls.”

“It sucks.”

I laughed. “Yeah, but I’m getting used to it.”

“I guess I could distract you with a kiss.”

And before I could respond, he did. It was amazing how everything else faded into the background. He was such a great kisser. There was a purpose to the movement of his mouth, almost as though he were painting passion. I didn’t want it to stop. But eventually we had to come up for air, and when we did, he pressed his forehead to mine, and said, “Let’s go back to the cave.”

Oh, it was tempting. So tempting. “Tomorrow.”

Leaning back, he studied me, maybe trying to determine if I really thought there would be a tomorrow for us. Finally he accepted whatever it was he saw in my face, took my hand, and started walking back to the manor.

“So have you tried to block the emotions?” he asked.

“Every chance I get. Sometimes it’s like there’s a shimmering wall there, but I just can’t make it materialize into something solid.”

“When was the last time you tried?”

I peered over at him. The sight of him always gave my heart a little kick. “What difference does it make?”

He shrugged. “Maybe none. But you’re on the cusp of your full moon. Your other senses are heightening. Maybe you’ll gain the ability to block out what you don’t want to experience.”

“That would be sweet.” If I could find a way to control what I allowed in, maybe I could even learn to use my ability for something good. “Why do you think your kind scattered?” I asked, needing, wanting to change the subject.

“It’s the nature of a panther.”

“You mentioned that you’d come here to learn from us, so you could gather your kind back together. Had you planned to stay?”

“Plans change.”

Yeah, they did
, I thought. Sometimes the unexpected happened. Daniel had been unexpected—in so many ways.

It was still early when we arrived at the manor and went inside. No one was around. Daniel and I went up the stairs. At the landing we turned toward a hallway.

Suddenly emotions flared. Love, desire, so powerful, so strong that they nearly knocked me off my feet. I didn’t know who they belonged to, but they humbled me with their intensity. Closing my eyes tightly, I backed against the wall.

“Hayden?”

I shook my head. I had to concentrate. While I knew he could distract me, probably make what I was feeling go away, I wanted to understand what was roiling through me. This was the worst sort of invasion: to know the depths of someone else’s feelings. But at the same time love was the one emotion we all craved. This love was so sweet, so pure. It was the type that inspired poets—a thought that would have caused me to gag if I hadn’t experienced it and understood the true rarity of it.

Footsteps sounded. Opening my eyes, I fought to push the emotions back, to look unaffected, as the couple rounded the corner.

Brittany and Connor.

I was stunned to realize that the emotions I’d felt were all his, because hers never reached out to me. Did she have any idea how deeply he loved her?

“Hey,” Brittany said, smiling warmly. “We were just headed to breakfast. Want to join us?”

“No, thanks. I’m going to shower.”

She shrugged. “Okay.”

“We’re having another practice session in about an hour,” Connor said. “You’ll both need to be there.”

“We’ll be there,” Daniel responded.

Connor slapped him on the back as he and Brittany walked by.

“What were you feeling from them?” Daniel asked when they were gone.

I winked at him. “I never experience and tell.”

The Guardians were already well versed in several combat techniques, so in the courtyard they weren’t being taught anything. They were mostly just wrestling around, warming up for tonight’s main event when they wouldn’t be able to shift. Their primary purpose in being out here was to provide a catalyst for
my
lesson.

While they haphazardly tossed each other around, I sat with my back against a tree and focused on building a wall between their emotions and mine. I would be distracted enough tonight. Closing my eyes, I breathed deeply. Worry slammed into me. Fondness. Anger. Excitement. Anticipation. Affection. Devotion. A kaleidoscope of sentiments. Some stronger than others. Some would fade out while others burst forth. I lost sight of which were mine, and that was what I had to work hard to prevent.

Tonight, with everyone surrounding me, striving to protect me, I couldn’t allow their feelings to overwhelm me.

I heard grunts, groans, shouts, and laughter. These Shifters were all connected, by what they were. The elite of our kind. The Dark Guardians. They had a mission, a purpose. I was awed by their sense of camaraderie. I didn’t want to push it out. I wanted to be absorbed by it.

I would have let it overtake me completely if I could have controlled what I allowed in. Instead I pushed it back as well. I focused on my own feelings.

Fear. Of tonight and what might happen.

Excitement. Facing an unknown challenge.

Anticipation. Of my first shift.

Concern. That others might be hurt or die because of me.

Affection. For Daniel. So deep, so profound that I knew it was the beginning of love. The feeling was scary and wonderful. But I didn’t know what to do with it. I was so focused on it, on trying to figure it out, that it took me a minute to realize that I now was feeling only my own emotions. I could still hear activity nearby.

Slowly, so slowly, I opened my eyes. The others were there, prancing around, avoiding blows, rolling around, jumping to their feet. But their emotions seemed distant, hovering just beyond my reach. Excitement from someone shot through me, and I squelched it. It was difficult and wearisome to hold the emotions at bay. But I realized I could do it. I would do it.

I turned my attention to Daniel. He was so lithe and graceful. I could see the feline in him. How could anyone look at him and not see that he would shift into a great big cat?

He must have felt my gaze on him, because he looked at me. Our eyes met. His green to my caramel. Something sizzled between us. Something powerful. I thought tonight, after my shift, he would be the first thing I’d want to scent.

But I distracted him. Rafe took him down, plowed into him, and buried him in the snow.

My concern for him caused my emotional wall to crumble. All their emotions came rushing in, pounding at me. It took so much to push them back, so little distraction to lose the foothold I’d gained. Daniel was a distraction to me, but worse than that, I was one to him. At a crucial moment would he be more worried about my safety than his? I knew the answer, because mine would be the same. I’d put him first and he’d do the same for me. And it could cost him his life. I had to find a way to ensure he wasn’t with me tonight. As badly as I wanted him to be there for the strength I drew from him, I couldn’t risk something happening to him. It would kill me as effectively as the harvester’s attack.

“Okay!” Lucas shouted. “Let’s go inside and do some planning.” He slid his arm around Kayla, and I experienced a sense of love that almost took my breath.

As the others began heading inside, Daniel strolled over, his long legs eating up the distance between us. He crouched in front of me, touched my cheek. “For a while there it looked like you were sleeping.”

I shook my head. “No. For a little while I could block out their emotions.”

His eyes widened and he grinned, sharing my triumph. “Really?”

I smiled back. “Yeah. It was…Well, it made me think with more work, I could get better at blocking and unblocking at will.”

“You think you’d ever
want
to feel their emotions?”

“I don’t know. Under the right circumstances it might prove to be useful.”

He straightened and held his hand out to me. I put mine in his, and he pulled me to my feet. As we walked into the manor, I glanced over my shoulder. I could sense the danger lurking, the harvester watching. My heart sped up and a shiver of dread went through me. I pushed back my fears, just as I was learning to push back others’ emotions.

But in the end my fears were too strong. They wouldn’t be quelled.

“You know, it’s really not fair that your first shift is overshadowed by this creature,” Kayla said as she brushed my hair.

We were getting together for what I hoped wouldn’t be anyone’s last meal. Kayla, Lindsey, and Brittany had invited me to get ready with them.

“It should be a night you’ll always remember,” Lindsey said.

“I think it’ll be that,” I said as I took the brush from Kayla. I pulled my sandy blond hair back, twisted it up, and clipped it in place.

“My first shift happened at the waterfall,” Kayla told us.

“Mine, too,” Lindsey said.

The waterfall was in a beautiful area in the forest that we shared with no one. Even in winter it was gorgeous because much of it solidified into ice. It looked like an elaborate sculpture. But the elders didn’t want us to travel far.

“Connor took me there after my non-full moon,” Brittany said as she leaned into the mirror on the dresser and applied mascara. “We made it special.” She slid her gaze over to me. “The special night with your mate can happen anytime. Doesn’t
have
to be during your first full moon.”

“She’s right,” Lindsey said. “You can have lots of special moons. Still I think it sucks about tonight.”

“Maybe it won’t show,” Kayla mused. “When it sees how many of us there are and that we have silver swords—”

“It’s an evil beast. It has no common sense,” Brittany told her.

“Okay, enough talk about the bad,” Lindsey said. “Let’s talk guys. So you and Daniel…” She wiggled her eyebrows. “What happened when you snuck off last night?”

I felt myself blush, sensed their true interest. “We just talked.”

“Did he show you his fur?”

Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Yeah.”

“So you finally saw him shift!” Brittany said. “Is he gorgeous?”

My face grew hot. I was used to the intimacy of feeling emotions in others but not discussing intimate things. “Uh, yeah.”

“All black with those beautiful green eyes—I bet he was stunning.”

“Brittany has always cared about appearance,” Lindsey scoffed, releasing a little laugh. “I think the way he makes you feel is way more important.”

Her gaze homed in on me as though she could bring my most personal thoughts to the surface.

“Guys,” Kayla said, “Hayden has only gotten to know us in the past couple of days. We can’t expect her to share her most private feelings with us.”

We moved on to talking about other things. Clothes and school. I recognized that they were trying to prevent me from thinking about tonight. But it was never far from my mind.

As much as I liked hanging out with the girls, I had to admit that I felt a small sense of relief when we walked into the parlor and I saw Daniel. It was strange—the way my attention zeroed in on him so quickly, as if I instinctively knew where he was.

The guys had exchanged their sweats and T-shirts for jeans and sweaters. Daniel’s were black. I wondered why he’d want to wear any other color when black brought out the brilliance of his eyes. At that moment they were glittering, and I didn’t know if it was from the joy of seeing me or from excitement about the upcoming battle.