Shampoo (58 page)

Tuesday 2 January
2001

7.42pm

I’ve had a rough day. I feel like
I need to be in a corner somewhere. Twitching.

First day back at work, we only
returned from our epic trip late yesterday arvo, and I woke up half
an hour before I had to start. I had to leadfoot it
there

(so no different to
usual),

looking like shit, and
unshowered.

I worked 7 till 5.15pm, I was
exhausted, Melissa was sick, and Jules was still on
holidays.

Great way to start the year at
work.

Plus I was all awkward at work,
cause of Matt and I. I felt like EVERYONE knew we are now fucking
each other.

I was just STRESSED all
day.

And I was a coward, getting there
at 6.58am and running up the front stairs instead of going through
the warehouse and seeing Matt and Benny and everyone.

I couldn’t face all the looks. Not
from Matt

(I LOVE the way he looks at
me),

but from everybody
else.

(like Benny, for
example)

Matt was upstairs in five seconds
though, my Stella cd in his hand.

I just died when I saw him come
through the door. I’d heard the thumps on the stairs and knew it
was him.

I took one look at him and died.
He’s gorgeous.

“
You look beautiful,”
he said.

“
I look like shit,” I
said.

“
Kiss me.”

“
Matt, no! We’re at
work.”

“
You’re the only one in
the office!” He kissed the top of my head though, and left me alone
to freak out in private.

He had lunch with me, though, and
sat a respectable distance from me.

Only cause I made him move
over.

“
Matt!”

“
What?”

“
You’re too close to
me!” He was practically in my lap. His arm was draped around the
back of my chair.

“
What? I don’t see
what’s wrong with this – ”

“
Matt…”

“
Okay, okay. I can see
the hyperventilating about to happen.” He scooted his seat an inch
away from me.

I shooed him. “More.”

“
What?” He inched away
more. “Better?”

“
Not really, but it’ll
have to do.”

Matt bit into his sandwich. “How
about I just go sit outside? Like a dog? And stare at you through
the glass?”

Even talking with his mouth full,
he was sexy. “God.”

“
What?” He dribbled
food everywhere.

“
I’m finding you
unbearably sexy right now.”

Matt groaned. “You can’t keep
DOING this!”

“
What?” I innocently
unwrapped my, er, nothing. I had nothing to eat. I was too tired
and the only staff member on in invoicing to go get
anything.

“
Pushing me away,
SHOVING me away would be more accurate, with one hand, then pulling
me back in with the other!”

“
I’m sorry. I just
don’t feel like being the talk of this place right now.”

God, he was giving me those
sapphire eyes of his. “Don’t you have anything to eat?”

I sipped my Coke. “Can’t you tell
by my hair that I fell out of bed moments before I had to
start?”

“
No, I can’t tell. Your
hair is beautiful.” He reached a hand out, and I slapped it away,
super quick. Like a reflex action. Like super quick pink ninja.
“Well, I WAS gonna say I want to fill my hands with your hair and
pull. But I won’t now.”

“
I’m sorry. I think I’m
suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’m very jumpy. I’m
sorry.”

“
You should be. That
hurt.”

“
Oh no, did it
really?”

Matt grinned. “No. But I love your
concern.” He held out half his sandwich. “Here. Eat
this.”

(he’s so damn sweet)

“
No, thank you. I’ll
just sit here and die.”

“
You’re in a bad
mood.”

“
You’re
perceptive.”

“
Now you’re just being
sarcastic – ”

“
I’m just
tired.”

“
It’s more than
that.”

“
Yeah.
Well.”

“
Baby – “

“
Don’t call me baby at
work!” I hissed.

“
Oh JEEZ. It’s okay,
Karina. You’re freaking out for NO REASON – ”

“
Feels like bloody good
reasons to me!”

“
Let me come over
tonight, and I’ll make you forget.”

“
Oh God no –
”

“
Why not?”

“
You see this mood I’m
in?? The baby needs to put herself to bed and catch up on some
sleep.”

Matt gave me that intense look I
love and squirm under. “As long as that’s the only
reason.”

I don’t know why I felt guilty
then. It WAS the only reason.

(wasn’t it???)

But he clearly needed reassuring.
And he deserved it. “Matt, I’m not gonna do anything stupid, okay?
I may be tripping, but I’m in this WITH YOU. I’m not with what’s
his face anymore.”

“
Okay.”

“
Okay?”

“
Yeah. I trust you,
Karina. It’s not even HIM I’m really worried about.”

“
No?”

“
I’m worried about YOU.
How scared and stressed you are. It’s really not normal to be this
frightened of relationships – ”

“
Matt. I’m not
normal!”

“
Yeah, I’m figuring
that out REAL QUICK – ”

Lachie and Benny and
Little Jonny came in then, and I scattered quicker than was really
necessary, toppling over chairs and tripping over my own feet, and
running smack into Benny and not even stopping to laugh or make a
joke.

Matt told me later Benny asked,
“What’s up with Pinky?” and Lachie just laughed and laughed, cause
he knows all about Matt and I. Matt stayed silent
apparently.

Then after work, Matt
walked me to my car, and I made him lean on one side while I leaned
on the other. “Seriously, Karina?”

“
What?” I put my chin
in my hand and watched him. I wanted to be in his arms so bad it
hurt.

“
You’ve put a CAR
between us now.”

“
I’m just a bit OFF
today – ”

“
I don’t understand how
it’s gone from you SITTING ON MY COCK, to you can’t bear for me to
touch you!”

“
Oh God.” I buried my
face in my hands.

“
What?”

“
Just everything you
say. Turns me on SO MUCH.”

“
If you don’t want
everyone to know about us, fine. I can control myself –
”

“
CAN
YOU??!!”

“
Yes! But this just
looks ODD, us like this. We’re so far apart. We just wouldn’t STAND
like this, if nothing was going on between us.”

A few of the boys were heading to
their row of Commodores. They were all giving us curious
looks.

“
Shit, you’re right,
they all know something’s going

on – ”

“
Well, you put a CAR
WIDTH between us, they’re gonna catch on.”

“
Errr! This is so
hard!”

“
Yes. It is.” He shot
me a meaningful look.

“
Stop. I can’t deal.
I’m going home.”

“
Karina?”

“
What?”

“
I love
you.”

“
Matt?”

“
Yes
darling?”

“
You break my
heart.”

“
I’m trying to heal
it.” He came round the car, and he held his hands up at my
expression. “I’m just opening your door for you,
Princess.”

“
Oh no, that doesn’t
look odd, AT ALL!!!”

He swept his arm out. “In you get,
Cinderella. Please roar off in your pumpkin, as usual.”

“
Stop being so,
so…”

“
So what?”

“
So HOT. It’s killing
me.”

Matt grinned. “I’ll call you
later, baby.”

I rang Matt once I was home, and
Julia, and Tee, had a shower, grabbed food, and fell into
bed.

‘
Meet Joe Black’ was
on, and I watched it and SOBBED MY FUCKING HEART OUT.

I felt myself crumble, watching
that damn movie. I damn near HOWLED.

It was like something just
SHATTERED inside me. I’m like drowning in pain and love and
devastation.

This is the fairytale with Matt. I
feel it.

Why does it hurt so much then?
What is wrong with me?

Matt rang during one bit of the
movie I was bawling in, like he just KNEW my heart was breaking. He
said Andrew made him understand how I’m feeling.

(Bless Freddie Prinze
Jnr)

I just cried harder.

Oh, it’s all too much for
me.

Wednesday 3 January
2001

10.27pm

Been to Joy’s for
dinner.

It’s so easy with Joy. I don’t
know whether it’s cause she’s older, or she just really gets
me.

Sometimes I think we’re the same
person, split in two.

Did another 7 till 5.15pm day,
with a half hour break.

Matt started at 7 too, and gave me
that look he gives me when he walked into the kitchen and saw me
there.

He just stood there, stretching,
watching me, and I just died, he looked so hot.

I wanted to jump him. I seriously
did. It’s almost uncontrollable for me. I want him that
bad.

I just stepped as close as I dared
to him and gave his stomach a squeeze.

(oh God, his abs. Now I’m the one
biting my fist in torture. How did this happen?? Why? Why?? I don’t
want to need someone this bad)

Friday 5 January
2001

6.37pm

It’s just been the same old, same
old each day.

People need shampoo, I avoid Matt
as best as I can

(which is not very
well),

and the day starts all over
again.

Dan’s been giving me messages from
Ever, but I’ve been avoiding him.

(actually REALLY avoiding him, not
pretend avoiding him like I do Matt)

What do I say to Ever? He’s given
me NOTHING. There’s nothing left to say.

Matt kept coming upstairs a lot
today, and I kept freaking out, sneaking looks at him, WANTING him,
every time I saw him.

Renee finally said, “Matt’s been
up here an awful lot this week,” and then looked straight at
me.

“
Maybe he really enjoys
photocopying,” I replied, and typed away furiously.

Gerry walked past then, gave me a
look, and went, “Sure Pinky.”

What does that mean? What did he
mean??? Does everybody know I’m sleeping with Matt??

Oh God.

Plus Matt turned up at work today
STILL DRUNK, clutching his head and wobbling around.

Then he happened to mention a
model

(yes, model)

friend of his brother’s was over
last night, and Andrew and Seth, and they all got drunk
together.

I got sooooo jealous. Like I was
almost doubled over in emotional pain jealous.

This is what I DID NOT WANT. Me
jealous cause Matt’s around some model. Me feeling this damn
much.

I’m an emotional cripple. They
need to make pills for the way I am. Aren’t I too young to be an
emotional cripple?? Like this bad?? Aren’t people supposed to save
this kind of breakdown for their thirties?? Forties?? Their midlife
crisis?

Worse, Matt and I’s conversation
in the kitchen

(after I realised he was still
drunk):

“
Ugh. Matt, YOU’RE
STILL DRUNK.”

He laughed. “It’s great hey!! I
love working smashed!”

I made a disgusted
noise.

“
Oh, like you can
talk!” he cried.

“
What is THAT supposed
to mean?”

“
I’m not sure I’ve ever
SEEN you sober – ”

“
Excuse me!! Only one
of us is drunk right now, and it’s not me – ”

“ –
so you are the LAST
person who should be condemning me for being hammered. Still. From
yesterday arvo.” He hiccupped.

“
Ugh, I can’t even talk
to you right now, I’m so pissed off.”