Shark Out of Water (Grab Your Pole, #3) (60 page)

It took me a second to process what she said and what it meant, and the very first thing to pop into my mind once I did was FML. Seriously. Fuck my life. That’s just
so
fucked up and surpasses unfair by so much that I don’t even know where to begin! How in the
fuck
am I supposed to make love to my girlfriend when she’s allergic to LATEX?! Wait…I know the answer to this one…YES!
Non
-latex condoms! Of course! Then I thought, ohhoho, I bet You’re just
loving
this, aren’t You, you sick, twisted creator of everything including deathly allergies! Because, of course, this means no making love for the first time tonight for us. Why, you ask? Well,
because
, we’re in the fucking boonies and it’s the middle of the goddamned night so there won’t be any running to the local pharmacy for the modern medical miracle of latex fucking free condoms. FUCK! So this is what? Not rain…I mean we’ve been rained out for
weeks
, but now the sky is clear, the sun is shining and the goddamned birds are even singing (The Eagles are on the iPod at the moment), and I have to call the game on account of
latex
?! Which put me right back to FML.

“Wait…I thought you said you were allergic to banan—” I stopped myself when I made the connection. Bananas = Rubber = Latex. Bananas have a similar protein that’s found in natural rubber which is where latex comes from and lots of times, if someone is highly allergic to one, they’re highly allergic to the other, but not
all
the time so I looked at her and asked, “You only said bananas, Camie, why didn’t you tell me about latex too?” I mean I could’ve put it together had I been thinking, but at the time, I was more concerned with how many ways I could kill pure Evil.

“Really? Like what was I gonna say? Hey, I know we’re broken up and all and sex is totally off the agenda now, but, just in case, you should know I’m allergic to latex? Not to mention we were in mixed company when I told you about the banana part, you know?”

“Good point,” I conceded, realizing that I probably would’ve seriously freaked out if she’d mentioned something like that in front of Evil, thinking that she was giving
him
the pertinent information instead of me. I looked back down at her and sighed, “I wish I would’ve known earlier though…we can’t do this tonight, Baby, I’m sorry.”

“What?! Why?!”

Why?!
Did she just seriously ask me why? I think she did… “Because you’re
allergic
to latex, Baby, and that’s all I got! I am
not
about to risk your life just so we can have sex tonight!”

Oh. My. Fucking. God. When I said I wouldn’t risk her life, it hit me. I would’ve killed her if she hadn’t caught me in time. We left the hotel tonight without thinking about it and not only did I leave my baby book behind, but she left her purse and overnight bag, which means she doesn’t have an EpiPen and with the distance we are from the closest hospital, she’d need two. Then I thought back some more and wanted to throw up. I could’ve killed her the night I almost raped/not raped her. I had it on. And I was right there, about to force my way inside. We were both so drunk I don’t think I would’ve known what was happening until it was too late.

That’s perfect.

Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey, but umm…I raped your daughter and killed her in the process because even drunk out of my mind, I’m uber-anal-retentive about using protection. Would you like me to load the shotgun for you or would you prefer to do it yourself?

Then I added another attempt on her life I’d inadvertently made…I gave her a banana with her breakfast the morning after the accident. She considered eating it too. I saw her indecision when she saw it and that’s what made me ask what was wrong. Jesus Christ, I’ve almost literally killed the girl I don’t wanna live and breathe without three fucking times while trying to keep her safe and healthy…

“Yeah, I
know
I am, clearly, but why can’t we still have sex tonight?”

Now, anyone who’s ever been fishing in a boat knows that when you catch a fish, it’s a good idea to have a sturdy net handy to help you get your catch in the boat. It allows you to protect the fish in the battle of landing it and allows you to remove the hook safely without causing any permanent damage to you or the fish. Basically, it’s for ease and safety when you’re planning on releasing the fish, not mounting it on the wall. I look at condoms in a very similar way. I really enjoy fishing but I don’t
ever
wanna mount my catch on my wall so I’ve always made sure I take the precaution of having a net. I’ve just always bought latex nets.

“What part of that’s all I got are you not grasping? I mean really, Camie, what do you want me to do? Run up to the kitchen real quick and wrap my dick in Saran Wrap? Providing of course there’s no latex in it?!” I honestly don’t know if there is… Shit, I’m gonna be reading labels on
everything
from now on!

“Oh my Go—
no
…” she said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

“Then what? ‘Cause I’m tellin’ ya, Baby, unless one of us can produce a latex free condom out of thin air, this ain’t happenin’, and last I checked, neither of us has that kind of magical power.”

“Well, I was um…thinking of just doing it the old fashioned way, Tristan…you know, without a condom.”

………
“Are you insane?!?”

“I kind of thought you might react like that…”

“Uh-huh! Yeah, ya think?! You wanna go fishing without a net! You’re suggesting we have unprotected sex, Camie! I mean, that’s seriously what you’re suggesting here, isn’t it?”

“Well, no…yeah, sort of…but um…can I ask you something kinda personal first?”

I stared at her, being at a loss for words…like she needs to ask permission to ask me
anything
, personal or not! I mean really, has she not been here for the conversation and events of this evening thus far?! But shaking my head and being kind of afraid to hear what she might ask or suggest next I replied, “Uh, yeah, of course…ask away, Merrill.”

“Well, you’re pretty good about getting tested, right?”

I frowned. “Uh, yeah…?”

“And when was the last time you did that?”

“February first,” I answered automatically.

“Feb—why did you—oh God…you
did
have s—”

I cut her off immediately when I realized she’d misunderstood and thought I’d gotten tested because I’d had sex with someone who wasn’t her since the last time with Samantha almost six full months ago.

“No no no no…habit, remember? First of the month every month except if the first falls on a Sunday and, of course, New Year’s Day because it’s a holiday. It’s just easier to remember to do that way.” But that time it corresponded with my last doctor appointment when I decided I’d most likely stalk The Little Mermaid if she were real. I know it’s not cheating, but is it totally deranged if you’re thinking about a cartoon mermaid that you’d like to metaphorically troll for and seriously land in your boat when porn doesn’t do it for you? I hope not.

“Oh. Well, in that case, I’d just like to say,
thank God
,” she sighed in pure relief, “So…um, I’m assuming you’ve been passing?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, so why do we need a condom? If you’re clean and obviously I am too, we really don’t need to wor—”

“Oh hell, hell no! I’m not worried about
that
, Camie, I’m
way
more fucking concerned with
not
getting you pregnant!”

“But the chance of that happening is teeny ti—”

“The hell it is! Teeny tiny my ass…do you know what the statistics are for pregnancy occurring during unprotected s—” The numbers are staggering. I swear I read somewhere that in every one thousand times a couple has unprotected sex, they’ll get pregnant one billion times. Yeah, so I’m exaggerating, so what. I’m fucking freaked by just the
thought
.

“Actually, we are protected…I’m on birth control pills.”

“What?!”

“I’m on birth cont—”

“I heard you! You’re on bir—bu—but—
since when
?!”

“December seventh.”

“
December?!
The
beginning
of
December
?!”

I looked at her, being stunned stupid again. She kinda winced and nodded and then said, “Yeah…I think maybe that’s another one of those things I should’ve told you about earlier…”

“Uh…uh-huh, yeah, that might’ve been nice to know, and kinda explains some things,” I said and absentmindedly stared at her boobs while thinking about her weight gain, “But umm, it doesn’t change anything tonight, Camie. I’m sorry, but, pill or no pill, we’re not having sex tonight…I can’t risk getting you pregnant. I can’t,” I told her, firmly shaking my head and then kissing her on the forehead before gently removing her leg from around me so I could roll onto my back and blow out a very long awaited, very long suffering sigh.

She immediately followed me and started to plead, “Please, Tristan, please? I don’t wanna wait anymore…sex has come between us and caused
so
many problems already and I don’t wanna let that happen again…please, I’m not gonna get pregnant…I swear. Please do this for us…”

“I want to, Baby, you have no idea, I really, really want to,” I mean I
really
fucking want to. You’d think that because of this whole laughably not funny conversation I’d be ill-equipped to perform now, but, nope…I’m still rock solid. It fucking
sucks
. And again, FML. “I just can’t.”

“Yes you can…you just won’t,” she said, her voice full of hurt and sorrow as she moved away from me and reached for my shirt.

I looked at her, wiping the tears from her cheeks with my shirt before she pulled it on in what looked a little like grief. I’d done it again. I’d hurt her to keep from hurting myself. But fuck, this is…well, it’s
the
deal breaker. I watched her for a second longer and blowing out a nervous breath, I decided that if I was gonna be one hundred percent honest with her from now on, now would be the best time to tell her and find out for sure if she’s really my Great White Buffalo or not.

“Camie, this is the straight up truth…I would lose my mind for good if I ever got someone pregnant...
especially
you. Honestly. Putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger would be preferable to the balls-out insanity I’d be afflicted with if that ever happened. And I know we’re not talking about forever at this point, but, I don’t want children. Ever. So if you do, then…then maybe…um…maybe we should re-evaluate things. I mean I love you more than life, but, that’s pretty much why I won’t take the risk…I can
not
ever get you pregnant.”

She sniffled and looked at me, not in an argumentative way but more like she wanted to really and truly understand. “Can you explain that to me? I mean, I’m not trying to argue, I get how serious you are, but, I just really don’t understand…you
love
children…”

I was nodding as she expressed her confusion and then I made sure I kept eye contact when I explained my ultimate darkest fear to her. “Yep, you’re right, and if I ever had a child I’d give him or her my life, but here’s the thing, Camie, I can’t do it…I can’t. I absolutely
cannot
go through what my parents went through…not on
any
level. I’m not my dad and I’m not Jeff. He’s finally handling his grief and he’s doing really good now, but I’m not that strong. I couldn’t make it.

“Just like I couldn’t survive living through what a parent goes through when they lose a child after fifteen years of its life. I’ve seen what that looks like and I don’t ever wanna know what it feels like, and trust me, losing an unborn baby or even a child would be
nothing
compared to what would become of me if something happened to the mother if I loved her like I love you.

“And it happens all the time…it happened to Jeff’s mom. Honestly Camie, hurting you like I have is bad enough, but losing you to death from carrying or delivering
my
child is my worst nightmare. I wouldn’t make it through that. I knew it the second I discovered you were in that car accident. As soon as I came to terms with how I felt about you, I made an appointment with a urologist for a consultation about a vasectomy. I’m having it done on my birthday…this Wednesday…” I took a deep breath and then just said it, “Which means if you ever want to be a mom, we shouldn’t be together.”

She was nodding and crying again and I thought for sure this was it. Game over. She surprised me again though by moving close to me and gently taking my head in her hands when she said, “First and foremost, I love you with all of my soul…but, I can’t tell you if I’ll wanna have kids later in life because I honestly haven’t given it much thought. I mean, I like them a lot and I’ve always enjoyed being around babies and little kids, but aside from maybe an hour or two a few months ago, I haven’t ever seriously thought about being a parent, although I do know I don’t especially want to be a teenage mom.

“And I get what you’re saying about being afraid of not being able to survive the devastation of losing someone you love with every fiber of your being to death, Tristan, I do, but here’s the deal with that…it’s a part of life. You can’t control it. My mom has cancer...and my dad can’t do anything about it. It’s gonna kill her. She’ll die and he won’t. He’ll lose her but her cancer won’t kill him. And they both know that and they’re both afraid of what’s coming up for them but, neither of them is letting their fear of death take away from the joy of life they have left and we shouldn’t ei—”

“Yeah but, Ca—”

“Let me finish…Tristan, you can’t let fear of something control you. Living is dangerous and everyone dies. You can’t stop it because you can’t control death. I know you wanna protect me and keep me safe, and you do a really good job in the areas you can control, but you can’t protect me from everything. You can’t protect me from life. And I don’t want you to. Every morning I wake up, I take a risk by living, you know? I could trip going down the stairs and break my neck, and every time I get in a car I risk being in an accident and ending up like the passenger in that Camaro. I mean sure, if I wanted to be extra safe I could walk everywhere, but there’s nothing saying that something couldn’t happen to me crossing the street, and then there’s just not waking up. And that happens, Tristan. People of
all
ages have gone to sleep and just never woke up…but I won’t live in fear of that because that’s not living. And it’s not being in control either. It’s being
controlled
,” she said and paused to wipe a tear off my cheek.