Shatter Me Complete Collection (100 page)

Warner is late.

Kenji and I had a semisuccessful session, one that consisted mainly of us arguing over where we were standing and what we were looking at. We’re going to have to come up with much better signals next time, because trying to coordinate a training session between two invisible people is a lot more difficult than it sounds. Which is saying a lot.

So now we’re tired and slightly disappointed, having accomplished little in the way of progress, and we’re standing in exactly the same place Warner dropped us off.

And Warner is late.

This is unusual for many reasons. The first of which is that Warner is never late. Not for anything. And the second is that if he were going to be late, it definitely wouldn’t be for something like this. This situation is far too dangerous to be casual about. He wouldn’t have taken it lightly. I know he wouldn’t have.

So I’m pacing.

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Kenji is saying to me. “He probably just got hung up doing whatever it is he’s doing. You know, commandering and shit.”

“
Commandering
is not a word.”

“It has letters, doesn’t it? Sounds like a word to me.”

I’m too nervous to banter right now.

Kenji sighs. I hear him stomp his feet against the cold. “He’ll be here.”

“I don’t feel right, Kenji.”

“I don’t feel right, either,” he says. “I’m hungry as hell.”

“Warner wouldn’t be late. It’s not like him to be late.”

“How would you know?” Kenji shoots back. “You’ve known him for how long, exactly? Five months? And you think you know him so well? Maybe he’s in a secret jazz club where he sings a cappella and wears sparkly vests and thinks it’s cool to do the cancan.”

“Warner wouldn’t wear sparkly vests,” I snap.

“But you think he’d be down with the cancan.”

“Kenji, I love you, I really do, but right now I’m so anxious, and I feel so sick, that the more you speak, the more I want to kill you.”

“Don’t talk sexy to me, J.”

I huff, irritated. God, I’m so worried. “What time is it?”

“Two forty-five.”

“This isn’t right. We should go find him.”

“We don’t even know where he is.”

“I do,” I say. “I know where he is.”

“
What?
How?”

“Do you remember where we met Anderson for the first time?” I ask him. “Do you remember how to get back to Sycamore Street?”

“Yeah . . . ,” Kenji says slowly. “Why?”

“He’s about two streets down from there.”

“Um. What the hell? Why is he down there?”

“Will you go with me?” I ask, nervous. “Please? Now?”

“Okay,” he says, unconvinced. “But only because I’m curious. And because it’s cold as hell out here and I need to move my legs before I freeze to death.”

“Thank you,” I say. “Where are you?”

We follow the sounds of each other’s voices until we bump right into one another. Kenji slips his arm into mine. We huddle together against the cold.

He leads the way.

This is it.

The robin’s-egg-blue house. The one I woke up in. The one Warner lived in. The one his mother is stored in. We’re standing in front of it and it looks exactly as it did the last two times I was here. Beautiful and terrifying. Wind chimes whipping back and forth.

“Why the hell would Warner be here?” Kenji asks. “What is this place?”

“I can’t really tell you,” I say to him.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not my secret to tell.”

Kenji is silent a moment. “So what do you want me to do?”

“Can you wait here?” I ask him. “Will I be able to stay invisible if I go inside? Or will I get out of range?”

Kenji sighs. “I don’t know. You can definitely try. I’ve never tried to do this from outside a house before.” He hesitates. “But if you’re going to go in without me, can you please hurry the hell up? I’m already freezing my ass off.”

“Yes. I promise. I’ll be fast. I just want to make sure he’s all right—or that he’s even in here. Because if he’s not inside, he might be waiting for us back at the drop-off.”

“And all of this will have been a huge waste of time.”

“I’m sorry,” I say to him. “I’m really sorry. But I just have to make sure.”

“Go,” he says. “Go and come back fast.”

“Okay,” I whisper. “Thank you.”

I break away and climb up the stairs to the little porch. Test the handle. It’s unlocked. I turn it, push the door open. Step inside.

This is where I was shot.

The bloodstain from where I was lying on the ground has already been cleaned up. Or maybe the carpet was changed. I’m not sure. Either way, the memories still surround me. I can’t walk back into this house without feeling sick to my stomach. Everything is wrong in here. Everything is so wrong. So off.

Something has happened.

I can feel it.

I’m careful to shut the door gently behind me. I creep up the stairs, remembering how the floorboards squeaked when I was first captured and brought here, and I’m able to sidestep the noisiest parts; the rest of it, thankfully, just sounds like it could be the wind.

When I’m upstairs, I count three doors. Three rooms.

On the left: Warner’s old room. The one I woke up in.

In the middle: the bathroom. The one I was bathed in.

On the far end of the hall, all the way to the right: his mother’s room. The one I’m looking for.

My heart is racing in my chest.

I can hardly breathe as I tiptoe closer. I don’t know what I’m expecting to find. I don’t know what I’m hoping will come of this trip. I don’t have any idea, even, if Warner is still in here.

And I have no idea what it’ll be like to see his mother.

But something is pulling me forward, urging me to open the door and check. I need to know. I just have to know. My mind won’t rest otherwise.

So I inch forward. Take several deep breaths. I grasp the doorknob and turn, so slowly, not even realizing I’ve lost invisibility until I see my feet crossing the threshold.

I panic in an instant, my brain calculating contingency plans, and though I briefly consider turning around and bolting out the door, my eyes have already scanned the room.

And I know I can’t turn back now.

There’s a bed in here.

A single bed. Surrounded by machines and IVs and bottles and brand-new bedpans. There are stacks of bedsheets and stacks of blankets and the most beautiful bookcases and embroidered pillows and adorable stuffed animals piled everywhere. There are fresh flowers in five different vases and four brightly painted walls and there’s a little desk in the corner with a little matching chair and there’s a potted plant and a set of old paintbrushes and there are picture frames, everywhere. On the walls, on the desk, sitting on the table beside the bed.

A blond woman. A little blond boy. Together.

They never age, I notice. The pictures never move past a certain year. They never show the evolution of this child’s life. The boy in these photos is always young, and always startled, and always holding fast to the hand of the lady standing beside him.

But that lady is not here. And her nurse is gone, too.

The machines are off.

The lights are out.

The bed is empty.

Warner has collapsed in the corner.

He’s curled into himself, knees pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs, his head buried in his arms. And he’s shaking.

Tremors are rocking his entire body.

I’ve never, ever seen him look like a child before. Never, not once, not in all the time I’ve known him. But right now, he looks just like a little boy. Scared. Vulnerable. All alone.

It doesn’t take much to understand why.

I fall to my knees in front of him. I know he must be able to sense my presence, but I don’t know if he wants to see me right now. I don’t know how he’s going to react if I reach out.

But I have to try.

I touch his arms, so gently. I run my hand down his back, his shoulders. And then I dare to wrap myself around him until he slowly breaks apart, unfolding in front of me.

He lifts his head.

His eyes are red-rimmed and a startling, striking shade of green, shining with barely restrained emotion. His face is the picture of so much pain.

I almost can’t breathe.

An earthquake hits my heart then, cracks it right down the middle. And I think here, in him, there is more feeling than any one person should ever have to contain.

I try to hold him closer but he wraps his arms around my hips instead, his head falling into my lap. I bend over him instinctively, shielding his body with my own.

I press my cheek to his forehead. Press a kiss to his temple.

And then he breaks.

Shaking violently, shattering in my arms, a million gasping, choking pieces I’m trying so hard to hold together. And I promise myself then, in that moment, that I will hold him forever, just like this, until all the pain and torture and suffering is gone, until he’s given a chance to live the kind of life where no one can wound him this deeply ever again.

And we are quotation marks, inverted and upside down, clinging to one another at the end of this life sentence. Trapped by lives we did not choose.

It’s time, I think, to break free.

Kenji is waiting in the tank when we get back. He managed to find it.

He’s sitting in the passenger side, invisibility off, and he doesn’t say a single word as Warner and I climb inside.

I try to meet his eyes, already prepared to concoct some crazy story for why it took me an hour to get Warner out of the house, but then Kenji looks at me. Really looks at me.

And I close my mouth forever.

Warner doesn’t say a single word. He doesn’t even breathe loudly. And when we get back to base, he lets me and Kenji leave the tank under our guise of invisibility and he still says nothing, not even to me. As soon as we’re out of the tank, he closes our door, and climbs back inside.

I’m watching him drive off again when Kenji slips his arm into mine.

We weave back through the storage facility without a problem. Cross through the shooting range without a problem. But just before we reach the door to Warner’s training facility, Kenji pulls me aside.

“I followed you in,” he says, with no preamble. “You took too long and I got worried and I followed you up there.” A pause. A heavy pause. “I saw you guys,” he says,
so quietly. “In that room.”

Not for the first time today, I’m glad he can’t see my face. “Okay,” I whisper, not knowing what else to say. Not knowing what Kenji will do with the information.

“I just—” Kenji takes a deep breath. “I’m just confused, okay? I don’t need to know all the details—I realize that whatever was happening in there was none of my business—but are you okay? Did something happen?”

I exhale. Close my eyes as I say, “His mom died today.”

“What?” Kenji asks, stunned. “What—h-how? His mom was in there?”

“She’d been sick for a long time,” I say, the words rushing out of me. “Anderson kept her locked in that house and he abandoned her. He left her to die. Warner had been trying to help her, and he didn’t know how. She couldn’t be touched, just like I can’t touch anyone, and the pain of it was killing her every day.” I’m losing control now, unable to keep my feelings contained any longer. “Warner never wanted to use me as a weapon,” I say to him. “He made that up so he had a story to tell his father. He found me by accident. Because he was trying to find a solution. To help
her
. All these years.”

Kenji takes a sharp breath. “I had no idea,” he says. “I didn’t even know he was close to his mom.”

“You don’t know him at all,” I say, not caring how desperate I sound. “You think you do but you really don’t.” I feel raw, like I’ve been sanded down to the bone.

He says nothing.

“Let’s go,” I say. “I need some time to breathe. To think.”

“Yeah,” he says. He exhales. “Yeah, sure. Of course.”

I turn to go.

“J,” he says, stopping me, his hand still on my arm.

I wait.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know.”

I blink fast against the burning in my eyes. Swallow back the emotion building in my throat. “It’s okay, Kenji. You were never supposed to.”

I finally manage to pull myself together long enough to head back to the training rooms. It’s getting late, but I don’t anticipate seeing Warner down here tonight. I think he’ll want the time alone.

I’m making myself scarce on purpose.

I’ve had enough.

I came so close to killing Anderson once, and I’ll make sure I have that chance again. But this time, I’ll follow through.

I wasn’t ready last time. I wouldn’t have known what to do even if I’d killed him then. I would’ve handed control over to Castle and I would’ve watched quietly as someone else tried to fix our world again. But I see now that Castle was wrong for this job. He’s too tender. Too anxious to please everyone.

I, on the other hand, am left with no concerns at all.

I will be unapologetic. I will live with no regrets. I will reach into the earth and rip out the injustice and I will crush it in my bare hands. I want Anderson to fear me and I want him to beg for mercy and I want to say no, not for you. Never for you.

And I don’t care if that’s not nice enough.

I get to my feet.

Adam is standing across the room, talking to Winston and Ian. Everyone falls silent as I approach. And if Adam is thinking or feeling anything at all about me, he doesn’t show it.

“You have to tell him,” I say.

“What?” Adam startles.

“You have to tell him the truth,” I say. “And if you don’t, I will.”

All at once Adam’s eyes are a frozen ocean, cold and closed off. “Don’t push me, Juliette. Don’t say stupid things you’re going to regret.”

“You have no right to keep this from him. He has no one in this world, and he deserves to know.”

“This is
none
of your business,” Adam says. He’s towering over me, his fists clenched. “Stay out of it. Don’t force me to do something I don’t want to do.”

“Are you actually threatening me?” I ask. “Are you insane?”

“Maybe you’ve forgotten,” he says, “that I’m the only one in this room who can shut you off. But I haven’t. You have no power against me.”

“Of course I have power against you,” I tell him. “My touch was
killing you
when we were together—”

“Yeah, well, things have changed a lot since then.” He grabs my hand, yanking so hard I nearly fall forward. I try to pull away and I can’t.

He’s too strong.

“Adam, let go of me—”

“Can you feel that?” he asks, eyes a crazy, stormy shade of blue.

“What?” I ask. “Feel what?”

“Exactly,” he says. “There’s nothing there. You’re empty. No power, no fire, no superstrength. Just a girl who can’t throw a punch to save her life. And I’m perfectly fine. Unharmed.”

I swallow hard and meet his cold gaze. “So you’ve done it, then?” I ask. “You managed to control it?”

“Of course I did,” he says angrily. “And you couldn’t wait—even though I told you I could do it—you couldn’t wait even though I told you I was training so we could be together—”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” I’m staring at my hand in his, his refusal to let go. “We would’ve ended up in the same place sooner or later.”

“That’s not true—this is proof!” he says, holding up my hand. “We could’ve made it work—”

“We’re too different now. We want different things. And this?” I say, nodding at our hands. “All this managed to prove is that you are extremely good at turning me off.”

Adam’s jaw clenches.

“Now let go of my hand.”

“Hey—can we please refrain from putting on a shitshow tonight?” Kenji’s voice booms from across the room. He’s heading toward us. Pissed.

“Stay out of this,” Adam snaps at him.

“It’s called
consideration
. There are other people living in this room, jackass,” Kenji says once he’s close enough. He grabs Adam’s arm. “So knock it off.”

Adam breaks away angrily. “Don’t touch me.”

Kenji shoots him a sharp look. “Let go of her.”

“You know what?” Adam says, his anger taking over. “You’re so obsessed with her—jumping to her defense all the time, getting involved in our conversations all the time—you like her so much? Fine. You can have her.”

Time freezes all around us.

The stage is set:

Adam and his wild eyes, his rage and his red face.

Kenji standing next to him, annoyed, slightly confused.

And me, my hand still locked in Adam’s viselike grip, his touch so quickly and easily reducing me back to who I was when we first met.

I’m completely powerless.

But then, in one movement, everything changes:

Adam grabs Kenji’s bare hand and presses it into my empty one.

For just long enough.