Shattered Rose (6 page)

“Lord, I know she will face temptation and disappointments. I pray you serve as her mighty deliverer. I pray you bring her peace in the midst of hardships and carry her when life’s b
urdens are too much to bear…”

3
. failure

It had been five days since I last saw Jake. He had stayed most of Sunday afternoon with us watching the football game and acting like nothing had happened between us. He wasn’t rude or anything, just indifferent, like I was Issy’s friend who was hanging out. I was supposed to leave to go study, but I stayed, just hoping he would indicate in some way the attraction he had on Saturday night.

I kept wondering what ch
anged, why he was so hot and then cold. When we were alone, our attraction was pure chemistry, but in the light of day, it felt awkward and forced. Was it Issy? Maybe she said something to him, like she did to me. That had to be it…unless it was the stairs. I shuddered at the thought. Who would be attracted to a girl who passes out and then makes you carry her to bed? No one!

I just felt so tired. I had spent three excruciating afternoons in the engineering lab taking samples every twenty minutes for one of the graduate students.
Work study was a requirement for my scholarship. I didn’t mind it so much last year, but this semester, I had been assigned to the lab. I should have been studying while in there, but I couldn’t focus. I was already behind in my two hardest classes, and we were having a quiz on Monday.

Thank goodness it was the weekend.
Issy was leaving this afternoon to go home for a couple of days, so it meant my apartment would actually be free of people for more than two hours. Turns out, Issy’s the social queen of our apartment complex and everyone wanted to be around her.  She had some place for us to go every night this week and despite my growing “to do” list, I would go. We had conveniently “run into” Danny and Aaron a few times, but Issy never really gave him the time of day. I started to see Danny as a reflection of me and wondered if I looked as desperate as he appeared.

Truth was, I felt desperate. I had hoped to run into Jake every time we went somewhere, but he never showed. I refused to ask
Issy about him, as I already knew her feelings on the subject. With each day that I didn’t hear from him, I started to second-guess everything that had happened.

Thankfully, I had kept the drinking to a minimum, unlike
Issy who was truly a fish. It was no wonder she had already blown through her allowance this month and needed to do some serious groveling to her mom. I smiled as I thought of our conversation this morning.

“What will you do if she doesn’t give it to you?” I asked, thinking of my parents’ reaction if I had dared to do the same.

“Oh, well then I’ll just go see my dad. He feels guilty for abandoning our family when I was twelve, so I can usually say a few key words and get what I want.”

“Why not just go there first?”

“Because, there is nothing more excruciating than my stepmom, and how she goes on and on about her and my father’s son, and how perfect he is. Barf. Then I’ll get the lecture about my clothes and hair and how college will be over soon, and I need to get focused. Like I said…only if I’m desperate!” She was randomly balling up her clothes and stuffing them in her duffle bag. My type A instincts were screaming at me to grab her bag away and fold each item she threw in there, but I refrained, suddenly putting two and two together.

“Wait, isn’t your father’s son…your brother?”

“Don’t ever call him that again.” It was the first time I had actually heard a tone from Issy that wasn’t playful, and for a second, I thought I saw a glimpse of hurt in her eyes, but it went away as quickly as it came. “Now you, young Padawan, keep yourself out of trouble while I’m gone.”

I actually laughed out loud. Truth was, I had done nothing but get into trouble since I met
Issy. “No worries there.”

The shuffling of books woke me up from my daydream. Class was over. I looked at the board and saw four problems due next Monday. Ugh. I rolled my eyes and wrote them down. For some reason, I hated my classes this year. Last year, my engineering classes were my favorite, but last year I didn’t have a life, so maybe that’s why.

“Hey Avery.” I looked up to see one of my classmates waving me over to the group. “We’re putting together a study group on Saturday morning around ten if you want to come. We figured we could knock out these problems and then focus on our Statics quiz.” The nice thing about engineering was that most of us took the same classes each semester, so we’d end up helping each other a lot throughout the year.

“Sure, that sounds great. I’ll be there,” I said as I made my way out of the room. I really liked that group to study with, but couldn’t really spend too much time with them without being totally bored. They had asked me to go to dinner with them a few times last year, but I just couldn’t do it. I admit that I’m a nerd and like math, but it is not dinner conversation in my opinion. After a while, they stopped asking and just kept me in the loop for study sessions, which felt ideal to me.

I walked through the center of campus on my way home. It was beautiful this time of year. We had no shortage of trees and they were turning every shade of orange, yellow and brown. The grassy center of the quad was covered in students studying, sunbathing or catching a quick power nap. A group of fraternity boys were doing a step routine outside the library that was drawing in a large crowd. Normally, I would have stopped to enjoy the show, but today already seemed like it had lasted a lifetime.

I got home, relishing the silence I hadn’t heard since I moved in, and checked my phone one more time to see if Jake had tried to call. Nothing. How was it that he hadn’t thought to call even once? It didn’t make sense!

I walked in my room and glanced at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible. I hadn’t run in three days, and my pants felt way tighter then usual. I lifted up my shirt and started to find every bulge that existed around my torso. I swear my butt looked huge today too…and not in a good way. I looked over at the scale, knowing I shouldn’t get on…it would only depress me. But I did anyway, and had gained a pound. How is that possible? I just weighed two days ago!

Tears sprang to my eyes as I started to get that feeling. I knew
temptation was coming and began to panic. I wanted to escape; I wanted to get this weight off of me. I could feel it crushing my lungs. I got on the scale again—sure I had read it wrong the first time…I hadn’t. Feeling desperate, I tried calling Cara. Voicemail. I started to pace the apartment, telling myself it wasn’t worth it, that it wouldn’t make me feel any better…but I knew it would. I knew it would ease the ever-increasing panic and would make me feel like I had control of something in my life. 

I opened the cabinets and refrigerator.
Inside was cereal, little chocolate snack cakes and ice cream. That would work. None of those things would hurt on the way back up. I closed my eyes, willing myself to be strong and slammed the doors shut as hard as I could. I ran back in my bedroom and shut the door, fighting with everything I had. I didn’t want to do it here…not here.

Fifteen minutes passed and I started to believe the worst was behind me. I walked back to the living room, but the draw of the kitchen was just too strong. I could hear my heart racing as I looked for a coke. Jackpot. I just couldn’t fight it anymore.

As I poured my cereal and took the first bite, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I hated that I needed this, hated every part of me that enjoyed each bite I took. But with each one, my body started to relax and turn numb.  After ten minutes, I had eaten two large bowls of cereal and was currently on my second snack cake.  My stomach was full…so full, and it was screaming at me to give it relief. I felt my heart start to race again in anticipation, and I knew I was at that critical point. I gulped down the coke and as I felt the carbonation rise up in my throat, I leaned over the toilet and let it all come out. My body heaved and heaved as it got rid of all the food I had just stuffed down my stomach.

My throat burned and my eyes watered, but I didn’t care. It felt so good to have
the calories out of me. I sat on the floor, relieved, as I felt my heartbeat start to normalize. I looked around at the mess I had made, and immediately started cleaning it.

Pulling myself off the floor, I examined my face in the mirror and wondered if I looked swollen. Not yet. Just drained…exhausted really. The anxiety was gone and the desperation had finally passed, but with that came the reality that I had yet again failed, and the guilt and shame hit me like a ton of bricks.  Once again, I lost my resolve and gave into the temptation, the easy fix. I felt so weak and disgusting. No one could ever love me like this. I glanced at my phone. Cara had called me back; I didn’t want to talk anymore.

The loathing I felt for myself and for what I had done started to consume me, and as I walked back into the kitchen, I realized I had nothing to lose. The damage was done.

Apart from a small slip up when I got back to Winsor, I hadn’t had an episode in two months.
I had been so sure I was healing—that I was strong enough to beat this thing. Tears clung to my cheeks as I realized how out of control it had become.

I poured the last of the cereal in my bowl and started the process all over again, hoping it would somehow take the pain away.  It wasn’t until I’d eaten all the snack cakes and had a bowl of ice cream that I finally stopped.

In the end, I had thrown up five times. Five times I had intentionally wrecked my body.  Stuffing it to the point of capacity and then forcing myself to get rid of it. By the last time, I wasn’t even enjoying it, just couldn’t seem to make myself stop. My throat was now completely swollen, and my gums were throbbing. I brushed and flossed my teeth, and crawled into bed. I let my tears flow freely, wanting nothing more than to get this miserable day over with.

When I awoke Saturday morning, the events of the night before came rushing back to me. Ugh. What was I thinking? I went to the kitchen and cleaned all the dishes. Then into the bathroom and cleaned it from top to bottom.

I was starting to feel a little better. I made sure all the empty containers were put in the trash and took it right out to the dumpster. I threw on my clothes and made a quick trip to the mini mart to buy replacement milk, cereal and snack cakes. I hadn’t eaten enough ice cream for Issy to notice, so I didn’t bother with it.

Once home, I opened all the new items and took out what I needed to make them look like they hadn’t been touched all weekend. I took out the trash once more and finally relaxed. Everything was as it used to be, and no one would ever know.

I looked at the clock…it was 9:30 a.m.  I thought about the study session and while I really needed the help, I just didn’t want to be around people yet. I texted the group and made my apologies, using some lame excuse about not feeling well. They offered to send me their answers so I could check my work. What a great group.

Cara had called three more times last night. I still didn’t feel like talking. She knew me too well, and I wouldn’t be able to fake it with her. Exhaustion hit me again, and I crawled back to bed, wanting to escape to another world. One where I was perfect, and Jake would profess his undying love for me.

“I’m back!” Issy yelled as she threw open the door. I was sitting on the couch finishing up the last thermodynamics problem.  My afternoon had been surprisingly productive, and I was almost feeling like my old self again.

“Was your mission successful?” I asked, putting my books down.

“Of course it was. I didn’t even have to see my dad. Turns out my mom is dating a hot new guy from work, and she is exceedingly happy.  We had the best time ever! I love new guys…I get a whole new wardrobe when they come around!” I giggled as I watched her dance and twirl her way into her bedroom to drop off her bags and then climb over the back of the couch to sit next to me.

“So, I totally have us all set up for tonight. I met these two guys at the post office who are gorgeous, and they are a part of
Lamda Sigma, the hottest fraternity on campus. Anyway, you and I have a double date for dinner and drinks tonight at Sammy’s…yeah!” She was clapping her hands and jumped back off the couch. “By the way, I am totally picking out your clothes tonight. You were way too conservative last time we went out.”

Issy
was back in her room before I could even utter a word of refusal.  Truth was, even if she had let me speak, it wouldn’t matter. Issy does not take “no” for an answer. Part of me was glad. I had been locked away in this apartment for over twenty-four hours, and I was feeling a little cabin feverish. “Do I have time for a run?” I yelled so she could hear me.

“Yes, but make it a short one. We’re meeting them in two hours!”  I seriously started to wonder what I did for fun before
Issy came along.

An hour later, however, I was not having so much fun.

“Issy, I am not wearing that!” I refused, looking at the outfit she was insisting I put on.

“Come on, it’s sexy and you totally have the legs to pull it off.”
Issy was practically pouting as she tried to convince me to put on black leather booty shorts and a leopard print top.