Shelter (24 page)

“Wait,” she says.

Kyung reaches for his belt, but the metal buckle won't release. He fumbles with it, trying not to let his clumsiness become a distraction. He closes his eyes and kisses her again, imagining Molly on all fours while he takes her from behind. She wouldn't mind this position, he thinks. But by the time he undoes his belt, something has started to change. Her body goes limp. Her right hand leaves his neck, and then the other soon follows. Kyung opens his eyes, startled to see that Molly's are open too, but not open as they should be. Up close, they're wide open, unblinking, the whites latticed with red. Her pupils are dilated; the blacks are all he can see. He backs away slowly, still joined by a long string of saliva connecting her mouth to his. It stretches and stretches, thinning to a hairlike strand that finally breaks.

Molly slides off the counter, hugging the cabinets as she slowly moves to the other side of the room. She looks disoriented, or maybe even sick.

“Are you all right?”

She stares at him, her lower lip in full tremor.

“Molly? What's going on?”

“Why did we do that?” she asks. “Why?”

He doesn't know what she expects him to say. He can't answer for her; he can hardly answer for himself. “Because we wanted to, I guess.”

She continues staring at him, clutching the ends of the sweater still tied around her neck. Whatever confusion she may have felt is gone now, replaced by something that begins to resemble fear.

“Maybe you should sit.”

When he takes a step toward her, she jumps away, nearly tripping on the underwear around her ankles. He reaches out to break her fall, but this only seems to frighten her more. She picks up the frying pan in the sink, raising it at him like a weapon.

“Why are you acting like this?”

“Don't touch me,” she says. She takes a small step to her left, then another, and another, still holding the pan as she nears the door.

“What do you mean, ‘Don't touch me'? What were we just doing?”

The trembling in her lower lip returns, and suddenly, she's sliding down the wall, knees splayed as she falls to the floor, all limbs and noise and tears. The thick, perfect lashes he admired only minutes ago streak down her face in watery black stripes. A bubble of mucus expands and contracts from her nostril with each breath. Kyung stands perfectly still, too stunned by her reaction to respond, but the sound of her voice—that awful, hiccupped wail—he can't listen to it much longer.

“Molly,” he says quietly. “What happened? What just changed?”

She shakes her head.

“Did I hurt you somehow?” He reaches for her again, but she leans away to avoid being touched. “Look, I don't understand what's going on right now, but I'm not sorry we did that.”

The statement doesn't quiet her, but it reassures him to hear the words out loud. He has nothing to apologize for. He didn't do anything that Molly didn't want, that she didn't respond to eagerly. Regret is the only reason she's sitting on the floor.

“Could you please—please stop crying?”

This only makes her cry louder, so much so that he begins to worry the neighbors will overhear. He shuts an open window and fills a glass with water from the sink. When he offers it to her, she knocks it away, sending the plastic cup spinning like a top. It skitters across the tile, spraying water on the cabinets and floor. When the cup stops moving, he sits down beside it, folding his hands in his lap where she can see them. He tells himself to be patient; eventually, she'll wear herself out. But minutes pass, and she continues to wail.

“Do you remember when you lived in that house on Larkin Street?” he asks.

She stops crying just long enough to gasp for air.

“That big one with the white fence?”

“Why—why are you asking me that now?”

Kyung still sees the house clearly, with its brick face and orange shutters and matching orange mailbox. In junior high, he walked past it every day after school, slowing down as he neared the fence to listen and wait. Sometimes he heard nothing. Sometimes he heard Molly's parents fighting inside. He knew what a punch and a slap sounded like. He was all too familiar with the sound of a woman crying. He listened as long as he could, stopping to tie his shoe or search his book bag for something he didn't need. The next day, he'd watch Molly in the cafeteria or in the halls, acting out as if the world owed her something. Secretly, he admired her for this. She'd earned the chip on her shoulder and she wasn't afraid to show people it was there. She did what she wanted, got in trouble, and made her parents as miserable as they made her, which was exactly what they deserved. He looked up to her for this until she decided not to be that person anymore, which always felt like a betrayal.

“I wish we could have been friends back then,” he says. “I think we would have understood each other. Helped each other, maybe.”

She's no longer crying so much as fighting the urge to cry, choking off the sound as it reaches her throat. “It's too late.”

“I know.” He stands up and offers his hand, trying to get Molly on her feet. “Come on.”

She looks at him, her face still smeared and striped with black, her hair as disheveled as he's ever seen it. He smiles at her anyway, wondering how she'll explain her appearance when she gets home. The thought is nothing more than that at first. A thought, a flicker. But suddenly, it combusts.

“You're not—we're not going to tell anyone about this, are we?”

Molly closes her eyes and wipes her face with her dress, leaving a stain on the fabric that looks like an inkblot. Then she exhales and slowly reaches for his hand, staring at him until her fingertips are almost touching his. Kyung is so relieved to see her accepting his help, he doesn't notice the flash at first, another bright blur of pink as something sharp and painful rips across his cheek.

“Molly!” he shouts. But she's already running for it, her sweater flapping behind her like a cape.

Kyung stands in the open doorway, watching the Buick back out and tear down the street. Half a block away, and she's still gunning the engine, as if she expects him to follow. Molly doesn't yield, much less stop at the intersection before turning, causing another driver to slam on his brakes. When her car disappears, he reaches up to touch his stinging cheek. There's blood on his fingertips. There's blood everywhere, actually. Fresh red drops of it on his hands and shirt and pants. He walks back inside and closes the door, scanning the kitchen, which is even messier than it was before. The pitcher that fell off the counter is lying in big, jagged shards beneath the sink. A fine powder of crushed glass dusts the area where they were standing. He looks himself over again, hopeful that the blood is all his, when he notices his feet, clad in thin, flimsy sandals. His bare skin is cut in so many places, it looks like he kicked in a window.

Kyung cleans up the glass and carefully deposits the broken pieces into an empty plastic bag. Then he ties the handles and pushes the bag deep into the trash where Gillian won't find it. But covering his tracks is useless, he thinks. Molly is going to tell everyone. Her husband, his wife, maybe even his parents. Isn't that what devout people do? Sin and repent; sin and repent again. He returns to his beer on the counter, emptying the rest of the can and immediately opening another before he can convince himself not to. Drinking is a choice, he thinks. His choice. Molly was too, and now he has to live with the consequences, however bad they might be. He's fucked—he knows that—but for the first time, he's fucked by something he chose to do, not something that was done to him, or something he had to do out of guilt or obligation or fear. He laughs even though his heart is pounding. This one belongs entirely to him.

*   *   *

Every summer, Kyung's parents invited him to visit the beach house with Ethan and Gillian. And every summer, he declined, unwilling to spend an entire weekend in their company. His only glimpse of the property was the painting on his parents' mantel in Marlboro, an abstract piece commissioned by his mother's decorator as a gift. On canvas, the house seemed large, but unexceptional—a tall white block with a red front door. In person, it's something else entirely. When the GPS tells him to turn onto a private road, Kyung hesitates, not quite believing what he sees. At the far end of the road, a single house sits high on a bluff, surrounded by a spectacular, expensive kind of nothing—no neighbors, no trees—just the sky above and a steep drop to the bay below. The three-story colonial looks like something out of a postcard, lit brightly from within as the last sliver of sun descends into the horizon.

He imagines Gillian's reaction as she drove up the same road earlier that day. Mouth open, fingertips pressed against the window, looking like the girl from the Flats that she really is. He knows what she's probably thinking now; he knows the inconsistency of her mind. Pride is her Achilles, but she wouldn't hesitate to accept Jin's help if he offered. With a few keystrokes or a checkbook and pen, his parents could erase all their debts and give them a fresh start. But their help would come with a price far worse than what they live with now. Every invitation his parents extended, every request for help or company or time—they wouldn't be able to refuse if they took their money. Kyung isn't about to indenture himself to them now, not after so many years of trying to avoid it. The minute he moved out for college, he juggled part-time jobs, shared apartments with too many people, took out loans to pay tuition, and took out more loans when he was short on cash—all because he didn't want to owe his parents anything. Still, he feels a flare of resentment as he surveys the enormous property. He never asked for their help, but not once did they offer.

The long, unpaved road curves toward the water, rattling the car and everything inside it. In the passenger seat, eight empty beer cans clank against each other, accompanied by the noisy ping of loose gravel churning in the tire wells. Kyung switches off his headlights, trying to make his approach less noticeable. He wasn't entirely committed to coming to Orleans when he started driving, and despite all the beer he drank along the way, he can't resummon the courage he felt back at the house. By now, he assumes that Molly has confessed everything to her husband, begging for his forgiveness, and God's too. It's only a matter of time before he'll have to tell Gillian, a conversation so daunting, it feels like a wall of stone—something so tall, he has to crane his neck up to see where it might end. His only choice is to climb over it or wait to be crushed if it falls. There's no other way around this time, and maybe this is what he wanted all along, to force his own hand.

Kyung pulls into a parking space, hidden from view by the shadow of Connie's huge Suburban. He gets out and closes his door, pushing it into place with a click instead of a slam. As he walks up the front steps, he considers turning back. No one saw or heard him arrive. No one is expecting him until tomorrow. But his desire to flee gives way to the blurriness of his eyesight, the spinning sensation in his head. To attempt driving back now would land him in jail or a ditch or the ocean, so he knocks and holds his breath, waiting for the door to open. When it doesn't, he tries the knob, which should be locked but isn't. He steps into the entryway, relieved to find it empty. To his left, there's a living room with a long wall of windows that overlook the bay. To his right is a study filled with books and a soft, pillowlike couch that screams his name. Nearly everything in the house is white. White walls, white ceilings, white furniture. Like the house in Marlboro, Mae clearly spared no expense on the renovations. The place looks exactly the way a beach house should. Open and airy, like something out of a magazine where no children or pets or people actually live.

He takes a few more steps inside, following the muffled sound of voices toward the back of the house. The farther he tiptoes, the more the air begins to smell like butter and brine. At the end of a long hallway, Kyung stops before an open door and presses his back against the wall, listening to the conversation in the adjoining room. Jin tells Connie that the fishing is terrible in Nauset Bay, but offers the use of his boat to visit Salt Pond Bay instead. A woman whose voice he doesn't recognize exclaims that she loves boats; she has ever since she was a child. Gillian encourages Ethan to climb into his chair by himself. You're big enough now, she says. You can do it. The conversation is much easier and lighter than he imagined, moving amiably from one topic to the next without so much as a pause. He doesn't know where his mother and Marina are—in the kitchen, probably—but so far, everything seems to be going well, better than he would have expected.

He smooths out his shirt and hair and walks into the dining room. “Hi,” he says casually, stopping to kiss Ethan on the forehead.

“Well, look who's here,” Connie says. “I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow.”

“I finished early.”

Jin seems disappointed to see him. He nods in Kyung's direction, but the gesture conveys nothing. It's barely a greeting. It's certainly not a welcome.

Gillian gets up to give him a hug. She sniffs his breath suspiciously and then forces herself to smile. “What happened to your face?”

Kyung touches the bandage he slapped on his cheek before he left home. He wonders if she can make out the fingernail marks through the thin layer of gauze. “Books,” he says, glancing at the wall of books behind her shoulder.

“Books?”

“I was reaching for something—at the office. They fell off the shelf and hit me in the face.”

“Oh.”

Everyone is seated around a long planked table that looks like it was salvaged from an expensive Italian farm. Kyung takes the empty chair next to Gillian. Across from him is a middle-aged blonde.

“Hi, I'm Vivian.” She reaches over the flower arrangement to shake his hand, clinking all the shiny bracelets on her wrist. “But you can call me Vivi.”