Shelter for Elizabeth (Badge of Honor: Texas Heroes Book 5) (10 page)

He put one hand under her chin and forced her to look at him. “Then I’ll have to make sure I kiss you more often, won’t I?”

Beth smiled weakly up at him. “I guess you will.”

Cade brushed his lips across hers in a chaste caress. “I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

“Okay. Drive safe.”

“Always.” Cade pulled away and dealt with the locks on her door, reaching out and squeezing her hand once more, before heading down the hallway toward the exit that led out to the parking lot.

Beth watched from her door until the panic threatened to overtake her. She closed the door, locked it, and immediately went into the kitchen to get one of the extra-long matches she’d ordered online.

She lit it and watched as the flame slowly burned down the eight-inch stick until she blew it out right above her fingertips with one hard puff.

Beth put her head on her arms on the counter and breathed out a frustrated sigh. Her lips still tingled from Cade’s kisses and she swore she could still feel his fingers on the bare skin of her waist.

Interestingly enough, she was more afraid of stepping foot outside her apartment than she was of getting involved with Cade. Even though Hurst had hurt and tortured her, she wasn’t afraid of Cade. Intellectually, she knew that sex with him wouldn’t be like what Hurst had done to her. She hadn’t been a virgin when she’d been kidnapped and wasn’t afraid of the act, per se. Cade was going out of his way to take things slowly with her, and she knew to the marrow of her bones he wouldn’t hurt her. He’d be gentle and would make sure she was comfortable and taken care of before he’d even think of getting off himself.

She wanted to be his girlfriend. Wanted to be by his side as he hung out with his buddies from the station. Wanted to be able to drive to his place and be waiting for him when he got off work. Wanted to go to one of the infamous firefighter versus police officer softball games she’d heard so much about.

But until she managed to kick the stupid agoraphobia in its ass, she wasn’t going anywhere. She was a prisoner in her own home.

Beth picked up her head and reached for another match. They were the key. They’d be crucial to getting her out of her head and into the real world. If the flame kept her from concentrating on her fear, she’d use it to help her get better.

Despite the small voice deep down that was telling her it wouldn’t be that easy, Beth was pleased with her decision.

B
eth stood still
on the little patio, her back to the glass door behind her. Her legs were shaking, her breaths coming too fast to be healthy, but she was outside. By herself.

It was two in the morning and Beth stared at the flames licking upward in the small circular grill she’d bought online.

She’d started out lighting a piece of paper over the sink inside her apartment and watching it burn down to ash. Then she’d assembled the grill in her living room, put a short stack of paper in the bottom and watched as that too went up in flames. It was over too quickly and had produced a lot more smoke than she realized it would. Afraid her smoke detector was going to go off and wake the entire apartment complex, and, more horrifically, make Cade and his friends come busting into her apartment and find out her dirty little secret, Beth had carried the grill to the patio door and cracked it open.

It’d taken a week, but after slowly moving the grill farther and farther back onto the concrete pad, she’d been able to stand in the doorway and watch the flames. Now, she was finally all the way outside. She’d done it.

Beth knew she was a long way away from being able to function outside her apartment by herself, but she felt like she’d taken a giant step forward. Dismissing the small voice inside that mocked her by saying watching shit burn was not only
not
forward momentum, but was actually a scary, creepy backward leap, Beth took a deep breath.

Things were going very well in her life recently. She’d gotten ahold of the mysterious Tex and he’d been putting her through some tests to make sure she had what it took to work for him…or for whoever he was grooming her to work for. She still hadn’t decided if she
wanted
to work for Tex, she wasn’t even sure exactly what it was he did, but the possibility of doing what she loved for a living, rather than customer service, was exciting.

Beth had a blast trying to work through the challenges Tex put forth for her. She passed most of them with flying colors and when he’d typed “good job” one night, Beth had felt like her heart was going to burst with pride. She sensed that he wasn’t a man who gave praise easily, so earning those two little words from him had meant a lot.

The thought of being able to quit her customer service job and work full-time with code, trying to prevent cyberattacks, was a dream come true. And while she wasn’t there yet, she felt good about where she was headed. Beth had no idea how to thank Penelope for hooking her up with Tex—even if he’d bested her in getting through her safeguards on her personal computer.

Her relationship with Cade was also moving forward in a good direction. He’d come over and taken her shopping again, not once letting go of her hand, and with no crises on the way to or from the store. She’d felt more relaxed the entire time they’d been out and about than she had in the last year.

Even though she didn’t see her parents or brother much, she was very close to them. They were frustrated because they didn’t know how to help her work past what had happened, but she’d been making an effort to call them more often lately too.

The only thing Beth felt was holding her back from being completely happy was her stupid fear of being outside. She knew it was a million to one shot that anyone would kidnap her again, but it was that
one
that was holding her back. She wanted to be able to confidently walk outside and not constantly have to look around her, but she’d take being able to be outside of her apartment and not turn into a blubbering basket case.

She’d done tons of research online and knew there were various drugs she could take that might be able to help her, but Beth was stubborn. She wanted to be herself again, without having to resort to Xanax or something similar. Her first therapist back in California had prescribed it, and Beth hated how it had made her feel. Granted, it had been useful in enabling her to get to Texas without completely freaking out, but as soon as she was settled, she’d stopped taking it.

Beth supposed her abhorrence for taking the drug was why she latched onto the idea of fire now. It gave her a similar sensation…a feeling of looking at herself from far away. While that flame was flickering and dancing, she didn’t feel scared or anxious. Both wins in her book.

The problem was that Beth had no idea how to translate the peace and calm she felt while watching flames crackle and spit as they devoured whatever was burning, into her everyday life. She’d tried closing her eyes and imagining the fire, but it wasn’t the same. There was something about the slight burn in her eyes from the smoke and the smell of whatever was smoldering that made her not think about anything else going on around her.

Not to mention, she hadn’t told Penelope or Cade about her new therapy, knowing they wouldn’t approve and would try to put the kibosh on it. Things with Cade were going well and the last thing she wanted to do was mess it up. It wasn’t as if she was a pyromaniac or something. She wasn’t setting buildings on fire or anything and she wasn’t hurting anyone. But she still knew,
knew
, it would affect her relationship with both Cade and Penelope.

Looking around, and seeing no one in the dark blackness in the middle of the night, Beth took a step toward the grill, then another. She’d had to light it, so it wasn’t as if she hadn’t been out this far, but this felt different. The flames mesmerized her and made her feel so much more in control.
She
decided when they’d stop. The control was heady.

She poured a bottle of water over the flames and they hissed and spit, but were snuffed out, leaving only a thin trail of smoke behind in their wake. Beth looked up into the sky, filled with hundreds of stars, and took a deep breath. She could do this. She
would
do this. She’d be normal again if it killed her.

“
S
o
…we’ve watched four movies at your place, gone shopping three times, and talked on the phone over two dozen times. Don’t you think it’s about time you see where I live?”

Cade’s words were lazy, but Beth could hear the underlying tension in them. She’d been putting him off, but he was right. They’d been getting along wonderfully. Each kiss made her fall for him harder. He’d been patient and hadn’t rushed her into anything beyond what he’d previously called “the dugout” and first base.

The last time he’d been over, they’d made out like teenagers on her couch and she’d actually fallen asleep before three in the morning, snug and safe in his arms. She’d woken up around four with a crick in her neck from their awkward position on the couch, but hadn’t even cared.

She really liked this man and was more than curious about where he lived. He’d claimed it was “only a bachelor pad,” but she figured he was probably downplaying it a bit. Pen had told her Cade lived in the Potranco Ranch area, a community on the northwest side of the city with half-acre home sites. He’d bought the house a couple of years ago when it was a buyer’s market. Beth was dying to see it.

“I’d love to see your place, Cade,” she told him, gripping the phone so hard she was afraid it’d crack under the pressure.

“Great. Tonight?”

Beth could feel the panic building inside at his suggestion. “Tonight’s not good. I have to do a thing for Tex and—”

“You can do it at my place. I’ll come and get you early, before dinner. We’ll stop and get takeout and bring it home.”

Beth was silent. She so wanted to come up with a hundred excuses for why tonight wouldn’t work, but couldn’t.

“Please, Beth. Trust me. I’m gonna be with you the entire time. I know this is hard for you. I
know
it. But I think if you get the first time out of the way, you’ll feel so much better.”

It was the please that did it. And the fact he was right. She’d built it up so much in her mind, that it was merely the thought of being in his space and not her own that was making her uneasy. “Okay. But don’t blame me if I freak out or if you have to bring me back here or keep hold of me all night.”

Beth could just imagine her having to hold Cade’s hand even in his house. What a disaster.

“Don’t you get it? There’s nothing I’d like better than holding on to you all night, sweetheart.”

God, he was so wonderful.

“Do you have a preference for dinner? There’s a great Thai place on my way home. Or we could do pizza or Chinese. Really anything you’re in the mood for, I can arrange.”

“Can we stop at Whataburger?”

Cade laughed. “Of course.”

“I haven’t had one in forever,” Beth said wistfully.

“Then one big, juicy Whataburger is what you’ll have. I can’t wait to see you. I’ll be there around five-thirty.”

Beth looked at her watch. Two. She had three and a half hours to freak out.

“Great!” she told him in a high voice, trying to act excited.

He obviously saw right through her. His voice was soft and easy, not accusatory or pushy at all. “Beth, if this is too much too fast, just tell me. I’ll back off and we’ll continue to hang out at your place. It’s not a big deal.”

Beth took a deep breath. “No, it’s okay. I can’t pretend I’m not nervous as all get-out. But you’re right, it’s time. I need to get out of this apartment, otherwise I’ll never leave. Even my counselor said if I didn’t push myself I’d get more and more comfortable where I am…and would have a harder time breaking free.”

“I worry about you.”

“I know. Thank you. But Cade?”

“Yes, hon?”

“If I freak out—”

“If you have an attack I’ll be right there. Okay?”

“Okay,” Beth whispered. “Thanks.”

“Bring your computer with you…you have that thing to do for Tex and it’ll make you more comfortable. If nothing else, you can lose yourself in work. I’ll see you in a few hours. Try not to stress about this. It’ll be fine.”

“See you soon.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Beth hung up her phone and took a deep breath. Then another. Then one more. She felt a bit calmer, but reached over and grabbed the disposable lighter sitting on the table. She flicked it on and sighed when the flame burst to life. She held it until her thumb hurt from the pressure it took to hold the fuel lever down.

She was so screwed.

S
o far
, so good.

Cade had showed up exactly at five-thirty, taken hold of her hand and hadn’t let go yet. They’d stopped at the burger chain and picked up dinner. Beth couldn’t help but be impressed with his neighborhood. The houses weren’t mansions, but they weren’t shacks either.

Cade’s was a two-story with a porch that wrapped around the front and one side. His yard was hurting from the lack of rain, but was nicely manicured and it was massive. There was what looked like a forest behind his house, which turned out to be some sort of nature refuge. He’d explained that he’d purchased two lots, wanting room between him and his nearest neighbor. The neighborhood was still being built and at the moment the lots around his house stood empty, waiting for someone to buy the land and design their dream house. Since no one could build on the land behind the house, because of the nature refuge, it was like living out in the country, but having the convenience of being close to civilization at the same time. Beth loved it on sight.

He didn’t let go of her hand even when they were inside, merely towed her into his kitchen. Cade dropped the bag of food on the counter then turned to her. He finally let go of her hand, only to sandwich her head in his hands and lean in.

“You seem to be all right. Yeah?”

“I’m okay, thanks, Cade.”

“Good. I have a surprise for you after we eat.”

“Uh, I’m not that good with surprises.”

“That’s because you haven’t had enough practice with the good kind.”

Beth couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a nice surprise. “That’s probably true, but I’m reserving the right to get payback if it all goes downhill.”

Cade laughed and kissed her lightly on the lips. He leaned down and nuzzled behind her ear. Beth helped by tilting her head to give him better access. The goosebumps that raced down her arms made her shiver. “It’s not going to go downhill, but feel free to hold me down and have your wicked way with me if it makes you feel better.”

Beth laughed and pushed lightly. “Goof. Come on, I’m starved, and the smell of that burger and fries is making me want to gnaw my arm off.”

“Can’t have that. Dig in, sweetheart.”

Beth forced herself to back away from Cade. He was way too addicting. She had enough issues in her life and didn’t want to add crazy stalker girlfriend to the list.

Dinner went well. Beth couldn’t remember the last time she’d enjoyed a fast-food meal so much. It wasn’t just the food, but Cade. He was funny and Beth relaxed just being around him.

Cade gave her a tour of his house, and Beth was very impressed. It
did
look like a single guy lived there, but it wasn’t over the top, there wasn’t one foosball table to be seen. There were three bedrooms, with one set up as a workout room. The guest bathroom was clean and it even looked like there was a full roll of toilet paper on the roll—and the paper was actually hanging over the top instead of under it. He got bonus points for that.

The master bedroom was huge and Beth immediately felt at ease in it. He had a king-size bed, which was mostly made. The comforter was thrown over the sheets, and it looked extremely comfy. There were at least six pillows, and Beth couldn’t resist teasing Cade about it.

“Enough pillows there?”

Cade didn’t take offense. “Hey, what can I say? I like to cuddle at night, and if a pillow is the only thing available to snuggle up to, it’ll have to do…although I prefer a human to curl up with.”

Beth blushed. “I walked right into that one didn’t I?”

“You did, and I couldn’t resist.” Cade gave her a one-armed hug. “But seriously, you should know I haven’t had a woman at my house in over two years.”

Beth looked up at Cade in amazement. “First, why? And second, I’m not sure why you’re telling me that.”

“Are you kidding? Sometimes I can’t tell when you’re being sarcastic and when you’re serious.”

“I’m being completely serious.”

Cade turned to her, his face not showing any of the easy-going Cade she’d gotten to know over the last few weeks. “Beth. I’m telling you this because it’s true. Because I like you…a lot. Because we’re dating. Although if you have to ask why I’m trying in my ass-backward way to let you know I’m not a manwhore, I’m not sure we’re on the same page.”

Beth swallowed hard. If he could be honest with her, the least she could do was give it back to him. “I…it’s been a really long time for me…since my freshman year in college. I thought he liked me, but he was drunk and didn’t even remember me in the morning.”

“Dumb college-asshole fuck.”

Beth’s lips twitched. She couldn’t help it. Cade’s disgruntled words were kinda funny. “I don’t think you’re a manwhore.”

“Thank you.”

“And I like you too. A lot.”

“Good.”

“But I’m not ready to hop into bed with you.”

“I know, but you know what? I’d be disappointed if you were. I like the pace we’re going. You’re still dealing with a lot of stuff in your life, and I really,
really
don’t want to be some sort of rebound guy,” Cade told her, sincerity coating his words.

“You’re definitely
not
a rebound guy, Cade. In fact, you’re more like my start-my-new-life guy.”

“I hope that’s a more permanent position than rebound guy, because I’ll tell you right now, Beth, I plan to be around for a very long time. You don’t get to be my age and not hang on with everything you have to a good thing. And, sweetheart, you are
definitely
a good thing.”

Beth’s breath hitched at his words. God. Her thoughts came out soft and low. “I wouldn’t necessarily start carving our names into that huge tree on the side of your house, but I’m thinking that making sure we have the necessary tools just in case wouldn’t be amiss or inappropriate at this point.”

Cade pulled Beth toward him and wrapped his arms around her. “Good. I’m sure I’ve got tree-carving tools around here someplace.”

Beth snuggled into Cade, buried her nose against his neck and inhaled. He always smelled so good, even when she saw him right after his shift when he stopped by with groceries for her. Feeling her nipples peak at the thought of what he’d smell like all over, and the thought of getting her hands on him, she shifted in his hold.

Cade drew back a fraction of an inch and looked down at her. “I know, standing next to this huge bed makes me want to try it out too, but I promised you a surprise. Come on, sweetheart. I have no doubt we’ll eventually make it up here and we’ll spend hours getting to know each other, inside and out, and hitting a home run, but right now, I want to show you something.”

Beth ran her finger over his collarbone and coyly looked up at him. “You could show me something right here…if you wanted.”

Cade barked out a laugh. “Lord, if I thought you were ready, I’d have you naked and under me so fast your head would spin.”

“I’m getting there. You know, I once thought what that asshole did to me would make me afraid to get naked with anyone ever again, but I’m finding that prospect not so scary with you. I have a feeling you’d cut off your own arm before you’d do anything that would scare or hurt me.”

“Damn straight. And you have no idea how happy I am to hear that. I won’t ever hurt you, and I’ll do what I can to make sure it’s only the two of us in our bed, but tonight we’re going to enjoy your surprise, then I’ll take you home.”

“Can I stay here?”

“What?”

“Not
here
, here. But in your house. I’ll stay downstairs because I know you have to work tomorrow, but I can set up my computer at your kitchen table and I’ll sleep on the couch. If it’s not too much trouble, you can drop me off at my place before you go into work.”

“My place
is
your place,” Cade told her seriously. “I’d like nothing more than for you to feel as comfortable here as you are in your apartment. I wasn’t sure if you were ready for that. I know your place is your safety net. I wouldn’t ask you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable.”

“I like your house. It feels…safe to me, especially if you’re here. I’m not sure why.”

“You can stay as long as you want. Tomorrow, if you think you’d be okay, you can hang around here while I go to work.”

“Really? You aren’t scared I’ll go through your things or anything?”

“No. Because I’ve got nothing to hide. If you want to hack into my computer, go for it.”

“I already have.”

Cade looked taken-aback for a moment, then recovered. “Right…see? Nothing to hide.”

Beth let loose the smile she was holding back. “I was kidding, Cade. I wouldn’t hack into your hard drive.”

“Brat.” The word was said affectionately and Cade followed it up with a long, wet kiss that made Beth’s legs weak.

When he finally pulled back, they were both breathing hard. “Come on. We need to get out of my bedroom, and I have that surprise I promised you.”

Beth followed Cade down the hall and stairs back into his living room. He sat her on one of the leather couches then went into the kitchen. He popped some popcorn and got them both a beer. It seemed like an odd choice of snack, but Beth didn’t say anything. He was obviously on a mission.

After setting the popcorn and beers on the coffee table, he went to the TV and messed with some of the equipment. Finally, he came back over to where she was sitting and settled next to her. He clicked on the television and sat back, pulling her with him.

“A movie is my surprise?”

“Not a movie. Watch.”

Beth smiled huge when the video started playing. She looked at Cade incredulously when she realized what she was watching.

He shrugged. “We’ve talked about it, I figured until you feel strong enough to get to one yourself, this would do.”

Beth threw herself into Cade’s arms, but didn’t take her eyes off the screen. He’d put in a recording of what was obviously one of their officers versus firefighters softball games. The video wasn’t the best quality, and made her slightly sick to watch with the shaky movement from whoever was filming, but it was the best present anyone had gotten her in a long time. The popcorn and beer made sense now.

They watched the entire game, and Cade gave her a running commentary on what was going on offscreen that she couldn’t see. Both teams flagrantly cheated, but it all seemed to be a part of the fun. Beth giggled until tears coursed down her cheeks when Penelope flashed the officers while wearing her sports bra to divert their attention, and Driftwood stole home and scored the winning run for the firefighters.

“It looks like you guys really do get along well.”

“We do. There might be a rivalry between us and the cops, but every single one of us knows any of the others would lay down their lives for us if it came to that. We work together. Many times when we show up to accidents or fires, one of them is already on the scene,” Cade reminded her, talking about the law enforcement officers.

“And we watch their backs when we can. It’s almost crazy how much our paths cross when we’re doing our jobs.”

“Is what you do that dangerous then?” Beth asked, worried.

“No, sweetheart. We tend to stick to helping others. I won’t lie and say it’s always one hundred percent safe…dealing with fire is never safe. It’s unpredictable and even when you think you’ve got it under control, it can flare up and bite you in the ass. I’ve studied it, I know the science behind how it works, but even I’m still taken by surprise every now and then. We only pretend to control it, but in reality, the flames are always in charge.”

Beth was surprised by his words. That hadn’t been her experience at all. She was easily able to decide when to put her little fires out, but she kept quiet as he went on.

“It’s just that when there’s a car accident and we get called, usually one of our friends is already there working the scene. If there’s a domestic incident, we get called in for medical assistance, but again, our boys in blue are usually already there and they’ve got it under control. I’ve even seen them jump in and help with water when we need it at a scene. We’re in it together and I wouldn’t change what I do for the world.”

“You love it.”

“I do.”

They were silent for a moment as they watched the firefighters celebrating on the screen in front of them. “Do you think your friends would come over here one night…you know, if you had a cookout or something…so I could meet them?” Beth thought she was probably overstepping, but she wanted to meet his friends so badly. They looked fun. She didn’t have enough fun in her life. Once upon a time, back before everything that had happened, she’d loved to hang out. She used to be the life of the party. Watching the tape and seeing everyone joking around and having fun, she realized she missed it.

“Yes. I want to show you off.”

“That’s not quite what I meant.” Beth chuckled nervously. “I just thought that—”

“It’s fine. I’ll see if we can set it up this coming weekend. All right?”

“Yeah. But can I ask a favor?”

“Anything.”

“If I start to lose it, will you take me into your bedroom or something? I don’t want them seeing me that way. I mean, they probably all know about me already…” Her voice trailed off as if asking for confirmation. When Cade nodded, she continued, “But as you know, it’s one thing to know about my agoraphobia and it’s another for them to see it in person, especially the first time I meet them. Sometimes I get nervous around a lot of people, and even though I won’t be outside, every now and then I still panic.”

“Beth, they’re all medics. And the cops may not have seen a panic attack, but they’ve seen much worse in their line of work. It’s not going to faze them.”

“But they haven’t seen
me
have one.”

“Okay, I promise to take you into another room if it happens. But I think you’re going to be fine. Within ten minutes of them being here, you’re going to think you’ve known them forever.”

“I hope so.”

“I know so. But just remember, you’re my girl—and I’ll tell you right now, if any of those yahoos even
thinks
about stealing you away, they’ll have me to deal with.”

Beth giggled and rolled her eyes at Cade. It sounded as though he was completely serious, but she thought she was pretty safe from his friends hitting on her.