Shifted By The Winds (10 page)

John frowned and patted his face. “Trouble, Daddy?” He turned to peer down the road. “Is trouble coming?”

“Absolutely not, son,” he said confidently. He longed for his son to never know the trouble he had known growing up. He knew America was much too volatile for his wish to come true, but he would protect John as long as he could. He put down his glass, shifted John off his lap, and stood. “I say it’s time for a riding lesson.”

Just as Moses knew he would, John forgot all about the possibility of trouble. His face split with a wide grin before he turned and ran down the stairs. “Patches!” he yelled. “Patches!”

Rose laughed, forcing her heavy thoughts away. She lifted her face for Moses’ kiss and smiled. “It doesn’t matter what might be coming. We’ll just deal with whatever it is.” Her eyes focused on John dancing at the base of the stairs. “Right now you have a son eager to go riding.”
 

Rose listened carefully as she entered the house, relieved when only silence echoed around her. Hope was still sleeping. She lifted her head to sniff the aromas in the house. The rich smells told her Annie already had dinner well on its way to being prepared. She gave a tired sigh of relief and turned toward the library. It seemed like it had been months since she’d had time to spend in her haven. She frowned when she realized it actually
had
been months.

Her frown morphed into a smile as she remembered all the times Sam had protected her presence in the library when she was a little girl. He had shown her how to scoot under the table he had covered with a long tablecloth, and he had taught her how to listen with what he called “
both ears
.” She was always careful to not be caught in the library, believing Sam’s warning that her status as Carrie’s slave would not protect her from punishment, but there had been a few times when she had not had time to escape out the side door before Carrie’s mother had come in. Each time, she had managed to slip under the table before she was discovered. One time she had to sit there quiet as a mouse for two hours while she heard Carrie calling for her. When she had finally been able to escape the library, she had been sent to bed with no supper as punishment, but she knew it would have been far more serious if they had actually caught her. Only Carrie knew that she had learned to read. Because it was forbidden for slaves to learn how to read, they had both been forced to keep it a secret.

Rose was humming quietly when she walked into the library. She stopped to take a deep breath. She never tired of the rich fragrance of books. She knew she was smelling the leather bindings, but she had always imagined it was the fragrance of knowledge filling the air.

She wasn’t sure what alerted her to the fact that she wasn’t alone. There wasn’t a noise—it was more a feeling that made her walk over to the tall wingback chair that had been pulled close to the window. “Hello, Felicia,” she said, smiling when she heard a sigh of resignation.

Felicia peered around the edge of the chair, her face puckered with worry. “Am I in trouble, Miss Rose?”

Rose had encouraged Felicia to call her “mama” whenever she was ready, but she wasn’t sure the little girl with eyes much too old for her young face would ever do that. Moses had explained the horror she had experienced when she watched as her parents were murdered during the riots in Memphis. Felicia never talked about it, but the things she cried out in her sleep revealed her parents had been her whole world. She missed them dreadfully, and she carried vivid memories of their murder.

Rose sat down in the other chair. “Of course not, Felicia. Why would you think you would get in trouble for being in the library?” She knew Felicia had grown up in slavery, but she didn’t know anything about the plantation she had come from. Her parents had escaped with her to Memphis just months before the war ended.

Felicia frowned. “Everybody knows slaves aren’t allowed in the library.”

“You’re not a slave,” Rose said. “You are a free little girl.”

Felicia frowned again. “That be an easy thing to say, but it’s not a real easy thing to live.”

Rose didn’t bother to correct her language. The fact that Felicia was talking to her was far more important than her grammar. “That’s true,” she agreed. “I remember when I first escaped from the plantation. I didn’t know how to live like a free person. It was hard to stop thinking and acting like a slave.”

Felicia stared at her. “Really?”

“Really,” Rose assured her. “It got easier every day, but it took me a long time to truly feel free.”

“How long?” Felicia demanded.

Rose thought back. “I suppose it wasn’t until I left Philadelphia and started teaching at the contraband camp. I guess it was about eight months.” She closed her eyes and remembered. “The first day I stood in front of my own class as a teacher was the day I started to feel free. It just kept growing from there.”

Felicia considered her words. “How did you learn how to read, Miss Rose?”

“Right here in this library,” Rose answered, not surprised when Felicia gazed at her with disbelief. “It’s true. I was Carrie’s slave. When she came to be tutored, I came with her. They certainly weren’t teaching
me
, but I listened hard. Then I went back to my room and practiced what I heard. Pretty soon I was reading.”

Felicia still looked like she didn’t believe her. “What did you use to practice?”

“Books from this library,” Rose revealed.

“How?” Felicia gasped.

Rose understood Felicia’s shocked amazement, but what surprised her was the feeling of guilt that seeped into her own thoughts. Even after all these years, the shame and fear she had suffered as a child could rise up to taunt her. She lifted her chin. “I learned how to sneak in and borrow books from the library.”

“You took them? From right here in the library?”

Rose nodded. “I was desperate to learn how to read. Once I did, I was desperate to learn everything I could.”

The amazement faded from Felicia’s eyes, only to be replaced by a burning scrutiny. “Did you ever get caught?”

Rose shook her head. “Sam made sure I never did,” she said. Her mind was full of the man who had been like a father to her all her life.

“Sam?”

“He was the butler here on the plantation,” Rose explained. “Sam died on Christmas Eve this past year.”

Felicia looked at her sharply. “I thought Hope was born on Christmas Eve.”

“She was,” Rose confirmed. “It was a night of tremendous loss, and also unbelievable joy. Sam always took good care of me.” She pushed aside the swell of sadness and told Felicia about how she had to hide under the table a few times to escape capture. She delighted in the little girl’s laugh. When Felicia first arrived, she laughed more freely in spite of all she had been through. As the months passed, however, she seemed to have become more withdrawn.

“How did you read at night? Slaves didn’t have lights in their rooms.”

Rose smiled. She understood Felicia’s suspicion. “That’s true. Sam used to take the remnants of candles and hide them under my mattress, along with some matches. I would sit in the corner so no one would see the light.” Memories swamped her. “Sometimes I would read all night. I would be exhausted the next day, but it was worth it.”

“Because you had to learn,” Felicia said solemnly.

Rose gazed at the little girl, caught by the intensity of her expression. “Yes,” she agreed. “I had to learn. It was like a hunger that ate inside of me all the time.” The quick light in Felicia’s eyes urged her to continue. “Just like I had been desperate to learn to read, I was desperate to study everything I could get my hands on. Sometimes I only had seconds to grab a book and hide it under my apron. I had no idea what I was taking, but it didn’t matter. Whatever was in that book was something I wanted to know, because…” She paused to take a breath.

“Because you wanted to know
everything
,” Felicia said passionately.

“Yes. I wanted to know everything.” Rose waited patiently for Felicia to say something else.

The little girl stared out the window for a long time, her black eyes accentuated by the long braids surrounding her face. “I don’t care about the horses,” Felicia said suddenly.

“All right,” Rose said calmly.

“And I don’t care about tobacco,” she said.

“Neither do I,” Rose confessed. Felicia stared at her but didn’t seem to have trouble believing her. Rose was thankful Moses was happy working in the tobacco fields, but if she never saw another stalk of tobacco, she would be perfectly happy. To her, it was just a way to help them achieve their dreams.

When the silence stretched out, Rose reached forward to take Felicia’s hand. “What
do
you care about?” she asked tenderly.

Felicia kept staring out the window for several moments, but finally shifted around so she could meet Rose’s eyes. “I care about knowledge,” she said.

Rose knew the girl wasn’t done, so she remained quiet.

“My mama used to tell me I was going to be so different because I was free. She wanted that for me more than anything. When we got to Memphis she made sure I got to go to school. Even though she couldn’t read a word, she stayed up with me until late at night while I learned. She made me read out loud to her every night.” Felicia’s eyes filled with tears. “My mama told me I could be anything I wanted to be.”

Rose squeezed her hand tightly as she watched the little girl’s face crumple under the weight of her memories.

Felicia took a deep breath as she fought for control. “I have to know what is happening in the world,” she said. A strong light came into her eyes. “I read all those articles Mr. Matthew wrote about the riot in Memphis that killed my mama and daddy.”

“You did?” Rose was astonished.

Felicia nodded. “Mr. Cromwell keeps all his newspapers in that cabinet against the wall.” She hesitated. “I’ve read them all.”

It was Rose’s turn to gape. “All of them?”

“All of them,” Felicia confirmed. “Are you mad at me?”

“Of course not,” Rose said faintly. Suddenly she understood. “This is where you come every time you disappear.”

Felicia smiled and ducked her head. “I just want to learn, Miss Rose. I want to know everything. I’ve read books in here about astronomy and math. I’ve read about history and geology. I want to know all those things, but the way I figure it, I have to know what is going on in my country right
now
.”

Rose was mesmerized by the light in Felicia’s eyes. It was easy to forget she was only ten years old. She had lived far more life than any ten-year-old should live. “Why, Felicia?”

Felicia met her eyes squarely. “Because I can’t change things I don’t know about,” she stated matter-of-factly. “There is a lot going on in our country right now. It’s not going to be easy for you and me to live as free people. There are a lot of people who want to make sure that never happens.” Anger flashed in her eyes. “My mama and daddy were murdered just because they was black. I’ve got to help change the way things are in this country.”

Rose felt a flash of alarm. “Honey,” she said, “you’re still just a little girl. You can’t carry that weight.”

“I know I’m just a little girl,” Felicia said somewhat impatiently. “But I won’t always be. I’m going to grow up. I don’t want to be ignorant until then. I want to learn everything I can so that when I’m grown up I’ll be ready to do something.” She paused, her eyes imploring Rose to understand. “I owe that to my mama and daddy, Miss Rose.”

Rose held back the tears that wanted to well in her eyes. She would not cry in the face of such courage. “How old are the papers you’re reading?” she asked suddenly.

Felicia blinked. “I guess the last ones are a few months old.”

Rose nodded, sure of her course of action. “I’ll make sure you have all the current papers. I know Thomas orders many publications with news and current events. I’ll have him send them out, as well.”

Felicia stared at her. “Really?” She opened her mouth again, but no words came out.

Rose laughed. “Really.” She leaned forward and tipped Felicia’s face up so she could gaze into her eyes. “I am so very proud of you, Felicia. I will do everything I can to help you,” she promised, her voice catching at the wild emotion she saw storming in the little girl’s eyes.

Suddenly, Felicia launched herself out of the chair and flung her arms around Rose’s neck. “Thank you!” she cried, joy replacing the earlier determination. “I was so afraid you would be angry that I didn’t want to run around the plantation with the horses. It was fun learning how to ride with Amber, and I want to do it sometimes, but I would rather be right here.”

“Let’s make a deal,” Rose said, realizing part of her job was to help Felicia live a balanced life. She was a little girl far wiser than her years, but she was still a little girl. She would grow up far too fast and carry the burdensome responsibilities of a black woman in the United States much too quickly. “I want you to play outside for at least an hour every single day.” She understood the flare of resistance in Felicia’s eyes. “Felicia, do you really think your mama and daddy would want you to never have fun again? Do you think they would want you to forget how to be a little girl because of what happened to them?” She watched the flickers of uncertainty penetrate the stubborn determination in the little girl’s eyes.

Felicia grappled with the question and then slowly shook her head. “I reckon not.” A smile flitted across her lips. “My daddy used to play with me every night,” she revealed. “He would put me on his back and run around the house. Sometimes we even ran out in the streets.” The smile deepened and then seemed to be swallowed with sorrow. “I sure do miss my mama and daddy.” She peered into Rose’s face. “Will I always miss them this much?” she whispered.

Rose stroked her hair and pulled her close into an embrace. “You will always miss them,” she said quietly, her heart swelling with love. “You loved them far too much for the ache to ever go completely away.” Visions of her own mama swam through her mind. “The good thing, Felicia, is that they will always be with you. Sometimes you will hear things in your head that they said to you. You will remember what they looked like when they laughed, or tucked you into bed. You will keep learning because you know how much it meant to your mama. But,” she added soothingly, “the pain will be a little less every day. The moment will come when the memories don’t hurt so much. And then the time will come when you can smile when you think about them.”

Felicia leaned into her for a long moment. “You lost your mama, too, didn’t you?” she asked astutely.

“Yes,” Rose answered. “I loved my mama very, very much. I think about her every single day. I will always wish she was with me, but now I can just feel grateful that I had her for as long as I did.”

Felicia considered that. “You had her for a lot longer than I had my mama,” she said sadly.

“That’s right,” Rose agreed. She peered into Felicia’s eyes. “You had her long enough, though.”

Felicia looked doubtful. “I did?”

“You are a wonderful little girl. You have a heart that knows how to love, and you have a mind that is determined to gain knowledge. Your mama gave you that. I know you wish you had been with her longer. I wish you were still with her, too, but I have to believe God gave you everything you needed before she was taken from you.”

Felicia still looked doubtful, sadness filling her eyes. “You think God took my mama and daddy from me?”

“No,” Rose responded fervently. “I believe very bad men took your mama and daddy from you. But that doesn’t mean God didn’t know what was going on. I believe God cried when your parents died.”

“You do?” Felicia whispered, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

“I do.” Rose wiped away the tear. “And now God has brought you to us. I’m so very glad about that.”

“You are?” Felicia asked, her voice still a whisper.

Rose pulled her back into a close embrace. “You are such a gift to us, Felicia. You always will be. Please know that.” She was relieved when the tension released within the little girl’s body. She was even more relieved when Felicia’s arms stole around her neck again as sobs consumed her slender frame.

Rose held her tightly, rocking her gently, letting her cry out more of the pain she carried inside. It might take years for it to all be gone, but she would be right here to help. She had already known Felicia was a gift. Now she knew it with more certainty than ever. “I love you, Felicia,” she said.

“I love you, too,” Felicia whispered back.