Authors: Star Jones Reynolds
Shine (19 page)
Personally, let me be honest: when I started to look at what stood in my way, I was tunnel-visioned, like a horse with blinders. But then, when I did a real self-evaluation on myself, I want to be clear—I didn’t fix everything that was weak. I figured that Al and I had to accept that certain parts were not ever going to totally change. I had to deliberate, look deep into the heart of my beloved to see if he could deal with me. He’s a tough guy. He could.
But then, I also learned to compromise. Bend in the wind, like bamboo. And I think I did get somewhat more flexible. Maybe I’m not quite as bossy or controlling as I used to be—at least not with Al. But this you’d have to ask him yourself.
G. The Verdict: Is It Fair? Is It Just?
Are You Satisfied with It?
Again—I can’t help you here. Each of us has to come to her own verdict. Others will give you their assessment of your relationship or the problems at hand or whatever else you’re working on, but your judgment on yourself should be the toughest and truest.
I want to say, if you have an ordered mind and you’ve prepared yourself for an honest decision, your verdict will be the correct one for you. Should you take the job, marry him, trust the new girlfriend, defy your boss? Deep in your heart, you know the right verdict.
By the Way—It’s Okay to Dismiss Your Case
Here’s a thought: you can back out of your case. If it looks shaky or snarky, if it gives you that uh-oh feeling, you don’t have to carry through. You don’t have to marry the guy, change your job, write the book, run for the presidency, drop a friend, if you see during summation that your case stinks.
I remember preparing to try a murder case when strong evidence came to light that the defendant was not the murderer. I had to be courageous enough to investigate the new evidence and then toss aside my carefully prepared case because even though there was a murder victim, even though I might not ever get the actual murderer, I had to be honest with myself and face the fact that the guy I had was not the guy I wanted.
So, if you meet a man and all the evidence and all the witnesses say the guy you have is not the guy you wanted, he’s not your guy. Dismiss the case. Move on. You’ll get rid of him before you get hurt, before you even wait for a complete
verdict. If you are thinking about changing your job and after you investigate a new job the way a lawyer would, and you find out the new job will probably be more onerous than the present one, dismiss the case. Move on. If you hear that your best friend has said awful things about you, and you investigate it—and determine that it’s probably just a vicious, untrue rumor, dismiss the case, hug your friend, and move on.
Think like a lawyer.
Getting Your Financial House in Order
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
JACKIE MASON
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
OSCAR WILDE
W
hat do your finances have to do with getting yourself emotionally ready to find love? If you have to ask, you really need this chapter. It’s no secret that money is the number one cause of arguments in a marriage. Even the happiest couples occasionally fight or, at best, feel very cranky about the way their partners handle (or don’t handle) the family funds. In
essence, finances drive emotions, and if you have babyish, immature responses to managing money, trust Auntie Star—there’s trouble ahead.
You can be seventy-two and still be a babe in the woods about money smarts. There’s no question in my mind that one of the most important things you can do to get ready to meet That Guy is have your financial house in order. I mean, sure, you can meet a terrific man even if your finances are a mess, but marrying him and keeping him is another story—not the story I want to tell, not even the story I want to read.
Even if you never end up married (and deep down, I won’t believe that’s going to happen if you’re ready for marriage), for your own happiness and well-being, you’ve just got to be financially healthy and independent. I mean, girl—here we are in the twenty-first century. Jane Austen no longer rules. Your own financially secure name is your ticket to safety. And make no mistake, earning a lot of money is swell, but the ability to make practical goals, practical investments, practical decisions,
and
live within your income is really the name of the game.
Before we begin, assess yourself today. Take the following quiz to see how savvy and sophisticated you are about money.
HOW GROWN-UP ARE YOU
ABOUT MONEY?
PART I:
Answer true or false to the following statements (and lying is really not allowed).
1. I read my monthly investment and/or bank statements carefully. | TRUE | FALSE |
2. I have a | TRUE | FALSE |
3. I often make purchases that I later regret. | TRUE | FALSE |
4. I know what a mutual fund and a REIT are. | TRUE | FALSE |
5. I keep records of my income and deductions as the IRS | TRUE | FALSE |
6. I own my own home. | TRUE | FALSE |
7. I have never attended a financial seminar or workshop: | TRUE | FALSE |
8. I’ve never invested in stocks or bonds. I trust only my | TRUE | FALSE |
9. I have more than twenty credit cards: I spread my debt around. | TRUE | FALSE |
10. I can’t afford an education. No worry, I’m bright and | TRUE | FALSE |
Part II:
NOW CHOOSE THE BEST ANSWER TO THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS (Again, tell the truth, girlfriend—don’t choose the answer you think I want to hear.)
11. You’re short of money, but you need a fabulous, very expensive new dress you’ve seen. You:
- Buy it. You said “need,” didn’t you?
- Go to an outlet and see if you can find a similar one, cheaper
- Wait till it goes on sale
- Walk away
12. My checkbook is almost always:
- Not filled out with dates or amounts (I fill it in later, when I have time)
- Confusing, but I usually can figure it out
- Lost
- Balanced
13. The best way to get a good credit rating is to:
- Borrow money
- Give excellent personal references
- Dress fashionably and give a cheery smile to bankers
- Sign a pledge of morality
14. You feel you have an unexplored talent—maybe to be a lawyer, interior designer, or writer, you:
- Feel cheated you weren’t born rich so you could pursue your dream
- Try really hard to do it on your own
- Dream about it; plan to pursue it when you have more time and money
- Take a course or go back to school for a degree—even if you have to borrow the money
15. When was the last time a creditor bothered you about an unpaid bill?
- How about yesterday? Maybe an hour ago?
- Within the month
- I can’t remember
- Never
16. I seek financial advice from:
- Almost everyone—I’m always open to hearing other opinions
- Only friends and relatives who care about me and want nothing from me
- Colleagues or bosses
- Competent professionals
17. I save:
- When I feel rich
- When I worry there’s going to be financial trouble ahead
- Part of every paycheck
- When I remember—that’s pretty often
18. My credit cards are:
- In my name
- In the name of my workplace—I have an expense account to use
- I don’t have credit cards: it’s wiser to avoid temptation
- In the name of my parents or husband: it’s easier for me that way
19. Regarding retirement plans at work:
- I have a 401(k) but stopped contributing: I’m young, I want to live in the present, not the future, and I have barely enough to get along on now.
- I contribute regularly but as little as I can: when I’m older, I’ll raise my contribution.
- I save on my own: I don’t trust these business savings plans—what if they go bankrupt?
- I contribute as much as I can.
- I don’t have a job that offers retirement plans.
20. This is my real financial philosophy, even though I may not announce it:
- “It’s just as easy to marry a rich man as a poor man,” say many mothers. I believe it. And men should be the primary providers in a family.
- “We can tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs.” (Gloria Steinem)
- “All good things come to those who wait.” (I don’t remember who said it.)
- Move forward, take calculated risks, and invest well even if you can’t afford it, right now.
- Seize the moment. “Remember all those women on the
Titanic
who waved off the dessert cart.” (Erma Bombeck)
Part III:
The next five questions are geared to determine whether or not you have a “winner’s mystique” (that is, a clear indication of your money maturity).
21. You appear to be making no impression at all at a business meeting. That’s because:
- Basically, you’re a bubblehead trying to be adorable.
- You haven’t done your homework.
- You’re listening hard, rather than saying anything.
- You’re wearing gaucho pants.
22. You’ve had problems in the past with your credit. You want to start off with a clean slate with a new lending institution. It’s a good idea:
- Without actually lying, don’t offer any information about your past credit problems.
- Use another name—say, your mom’s maiden name—with the lending institution.
- Open a new bank account and a new charge account. Use them responsibly for a few months before applying to the new lending institution.
- Understand that you can sue the new lending institution for turning you down before you do anything bad. Tell them you know about this law.
23. Your finances haven’t improved in two years. Why?
- Not my fault. Others have cheated and edged me out unfairly.
- I’m due for a raise in about a year.
- So what? Money isn’t everything. I’m making contacts.
- So what? I’ve just gone out on my own in a new business.
24. You’ve just been offered a step up the corporate ladder. Your office space will remain the same.
- Good—it’s small but cozy and near your friends.
- You think, “I couldn’t care less where I sit—I’m thrilled to be promoted.”
- You understand that power and influence have nothing to do with where you sit.
- You request that there be some change in your physical surroundings.
25. Your credit rating is greatly enhanced if you:
- Pay for everything in cash.
- Pay bills immediately after getting a late notice.
- Use your credit card to buy stuff (even though you can afford the cash).
- Pay your bills the minute you receive them.
- Marry Bill Gates Jr.
ANSWERS
Part I
Take 50 points if you answered True to questions 1, 2, 3, and 6.
Take 50 points if you answered False to questions 5, 7, 8, 9, and 10.
Take 20 points if you got four or more correct.
If you got under four correct, take 0.
Just for your information, you should keep financial records for at least three years (and sometimes, as in the case of deeds, bonds, etc.) forever. Basically, a mutual fund is a type of investment that consists of a pool of investment, rather than a single stock; a REIT is a real estate investment. If you are at all involved in investing your funds, you should know the language. You’ll find the other answers within the next few pages, but just one more thing for now:
no one
needs twenty credit cards.
Part II
11. If you answered
B,
take 10 points
12. If you answered
D,
take 10 points
13. If you answered
A,
take 10 points. If you answered
C
or
D,
subtract 10 points.
14. If you answered
D,
take 20 points
15. If you answered
D,
take 10 points
16. If you answered
D,
take 10 points
17. If you answered
C,
take 10 points
18. If you answered
A,
take 10 points
19. If you answered
D,
take 10 points
20. If you answered
D,
take 10 points. If you answered
A,
subtract 10 points.
Part III
21. If you answered
B,
take 10 points. If you answered the gaucho pants thing, subtract 20 points. Why would anyone wear gaucho pants to a business meeting?
22. If you answered
C,
take 10 points. If you answered
A
or
B,
subtract 10 points. Trying to fool the organization will get you not far at all.
23. If you answered
D,
take 10 points. It’s the only answer that shows smarts.
24. If you answered
A,
take 10 points. Experts say that people who are satisfied to work in cubicles rarely make it to the top. A job promotion should also mean a larger office, or one with a view or a larger desk or
some
visible change in the place you sit: the message you then send is “I’m on the way up.”
25. If you answered
C,
take ten points. If you answered
A,
subtract 10 points: paying in cash does zilch for your credit rating.
ANALYSIS
Add your points.
If you scored under 180
Yikes. You need help, momma. Your house is not in good financial order. Quick—get some money smarts. It’s not difficult—I promise. Put down the sex chapter and read this one, first. Then, take a course.
If you scored from 180 to 200
Not terrific but not the pits, either. You have the basics but you need to learn the fine points of protecting yourself in the real (money) world. You’ll get along if you either get some professional advice or read this chapter twice.
If you scored from 210 to 230
Not too shabby a score, at all. You’ve obviously had some sophisticated experience dealing with money, and all you need is a refresher course. Read on.
If you scored from 240 to 260
If Bill Gates weren’t married, he’d make a pitch for you—that’s how moneywise you are. Congratulations. Read the following chapter anyway: I guarantee you’ll find new tips on how to make yourself financially independent.
There’s Only One Chris Rock, and She’s Got Him
So here’s one of my favorite stories:
Chris Rock and his wife, Malaak, are two of my very dear friends. One day, Chris came on
The View,
and during the interview I asked him to tell me about the most romantic thing he’d ever done for his wife.
Chris’s response? “I cleaned up her credit.”
Everybody was laughing hard because he’s a brilliant comedian, but guess what—I know Malaak, and she’s so gifted and talented I’d bet my engagement ring he sure didn’t need to clean up her credit.
But suppose he did? Let me break it to you gently: You all out there might not get a Chris Rock who can or who wants to clean up your credit.
You sit there and think to yourself, Ooh wouldn’t I just love to have a man come in my life and wipe out my debts. Well, I have news for you: you won’t. Unless you meet one of those guys who’s in the credit cleanup business, you need to clean up your credit all by yourself because no man wants to come in and have to start fixing you. No one wants to start a relationship by taking on a financial
burden—and further, you don’t want to have to be dependent on a guy. Believe me—you
don’t.
You want to be able to bring something to the table other than an appetite.