Silver Wedding (21 page)

He said he would call her shortly.

'I wonder have you any idea how shortly I hope it's going to be.'

'I think so,' he said in his curious clipped accent. 'If I had just lost one parent and had the hope of finding another I would know that there was a lot of urgency involved.'

She didn't know how she got through the Tuesday and the Wednesday. He phoned her, the man from Pretoria, on Wednesday at 8 a.m. with an address of a solicitor's firm in London.

'Is he dead or alive?' she asked, her hand at her throat waiting for the reply.

'They didn't tell me, truly they didn't tell me.' He sounded regretful.

'But these people will know?' she begged.

'These people will be able to get a message to whoever is Concerned.'

'Did they hint?'

'Yes. They hinted.'

'What?'

'That he was alive. That you would be talking to the principal volved.'

Til never be able to thank you,' she said.

'You don't know yet whether you have anything to thank me for or not.'

'But I'll tell you. I'll ring you back.'

'Write to me, you've spent enough on telephone calls. Or better come out and see me.'

'I don't think I'll do that, would you be any use to me? What class of an age of a person are you at all?'

'Stop putting on that accent. I am sixty-three, a widower, with ; a beautiful home in Pretoria.'

'God bless you,' she said.

'I hope he's alive and good to you,' said the stranger from South Africa.

She had to wait an hour and a half before she could talk to the man in the London firm of solicitors.

'I don't know why you're talking to me,' he said in a slightly | peeved tone.

; 'I don't know either,' Maureen confessed. 'But the original r agreement was that my father and I should not get in touch during ?my mother's lifetime. I know it sounds like something from Hans Christian Andersen but this is the way it happened. Can you listen for two minutes, only two? I can explain it quickly, I'm used to business conversations.'

The English solicitor understood. He said he would be in touch.

Maureen began to have far greater faith in the speed of the law than she ever ha^d before. Walter would tell her about delays and adjournments, she knew herself the endless palaver about contracts with suppliers. But suddenly in the middle of the most important event of her whole life she had met two law firms who seemed to understand her urgency. To sense her impatience and respond to it. On Thursday night she checked the answering machine in her flat but there was nothing except a kindly invitation from Mother's friend Mrs O'Hagan to drop in any evening for a sherry just as you did with your own poor mother.

And there was a message from Walter who was going to the West of Ireland at the weekend, there would be lots of lovely walks and gorgeous food, he said, as well as fishing. And there needn't even be any fishing if Maureen would care to join him.

She smiled. He was a good friend.

There were two clicks where people had hung up without leaving a message. She felt restless, and then annoyed with herself. How could she expect these people to act so swiftly? And suppose her father was alive and in England, which was the way it looked now .. . perhaps he didn't want to get in touch, or he did and Flora didn't want him to, or his daughter. She suddenly realized that there might have been other children.

She paced the apartment, walking the length of her long living room, arms hugging each other. She couldn't remember when she had last been like this, unable to settle to anything.

The phone when it rang made her jump and the voice was hesitant.

'Maureen Barry. Is that Maureen Barry?'

'Yes.' She spoke half words, half breath.

'Maureen, it's Bernie,' the voice said. And there was a silence, as if he was waiting desperately to know what she would say.

She was able to say nothing. No words would come out.

'Maureen, they told me you had been trying to get in touch,

if that's not so . . .' He was almost ready to ring off.

'Are you my father?' she whispered.

'I'm an old man now, but I was your father,' he said.

'Then you still are.' She forced a lightness into her voice. It had been the right thing to do, she heard him laugh a little.

'I rang before,' he said. 'But it was one of those machines, you sounded so formal I had to ring off without saying anything.'

'I know, people should be hanged for that,' she said. Again it was right, he was relaxing.

'But I rang again just to hear your voice and think: This is Maureen speaking, actually the sound of her voice.'

'And did you like the sound of it?'

'Not as much as now when it's a real conversation. Is it a real conversation?'

'Yes, yes it is.' There was a silence, but it wasn't a heavy one, it was as if they were both settling into the strange ritual of talking to each other.

'Would you like to meet me?' she asked.

'There's nothing I would like more. But would you be able to come to England to find me? I'm a bit feeble now, I couldn't come to Ireland to see you.'

'That's no problem. I'll come as soon as you like.'

'It won't be the Bernie you used to know.'

She understood he wanted her to call him Bernie, not Father.

Mother had always referred to him as poor Bernard.

'I never knew you anyway Bernie, and you only knew me for a short time, it will be no shock to either of us. I'm freewheeling down to fifty, a middle-aged woman.'

'Stop, stop.'

'No, it's true, I'm not actually grey because I have such a regular relationship with a hairdresser. . .' She felt she was burbling on.

'And Sophie . .. she told you . . . before she . ..' He was hesitant.

'She died two weeks ago . . . Bernie ... it was a stroke, it was quick and she wouldn't have recovered, it was all for the best . . .'

'And you ... ?'

'I'm fine. But what about seeing you, where will I come, and Flora, and your family?'

'Flora is dead. She died shortly after we left Rhodesia.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Yes, she was a wonderful woman.'

'And children?' Maureen felt this was an extraordinary conversation. It sounded so normal, so run of the mill, yet she was talking to her own father, a man she had thought was forty years dead until four days ago.

'There's just Catherine. She's in the States.'

Maureen was, pleased somehow.

'What's she doing there, is she working, is she married?'

'No, she's neither, she's gone with this rock musician, she's been with him eight years now. She sort of goes along wherever he is to make a type of home for him, she says, it's all she ever wanted. She's happy.'

'She's lucky then,' Maureen said almost without thinking.

'Yes she is, isn't she? Because she's not hurting anyone. People say she's a loser but I don't think that, I think she's winning if she has what she wants without hurting anyone else.'

'When can I come and see you, Bernie?' she asked.

'Oh the sooner the better, the soonest the very best,' he said.

'Where are you?'

'Would you believe Ascot?' he said.

I’ll come tomorrow,' she said.

Before she left she went through her post quickly. Hardly anything to do with work came to her apartment, all business mail was addressed to her main shop. There were a couple of bills, circulars and a letter that looked like an invitation. It was from Anna Doyle, the eldest of Deirdre O'Hagan's children, a formal invitation to a silver wedding for their parents and a note saying that she apologized for the ludicrously early notice but she wanted to make sure that the key figures were able to come. Perhaps Maureen could let them know.

Maureen looked at it almost without seeing it. A silver wedding seemed such a small milestone compared to what she was about to embark on herself. She wouldn't think now about whether she would go or not.

It was a very comfortable guest Home, Bernard James Barry had left the colonies in style, Maureen realized. She had hired a car at Heathrow and driven to the address he had given her.

She had taken the precaution of telephoning the Home herself to inquire whether her arrival would not put too much strain on her father, who said he had bad rheumatoid arthritis and was recovering from a mild heart attack.

She had been told that he was in the best of health and was already eager for her to arrive.

He was dressed in a blazer with some colourful crest, he had a carefully tied cravat, he looked the perfect gendeman lightly tanned, a lot of thick grey hair, a cane and a slow walk, but in every way the kind of man her mother would love to have entertained back in Dublin. He had a smile that would break your heart.

'I have the Egon Ronay guide, Maureen,' he said after she had kissed him. 'I thought we should go out and have a proper lunch to celebrate.'

'You're a man after my own heart, Bernie,' she said.

And he was a man after her own heart. There were no apologies, no excuses. In life there were only just so many chances for happiness, he didn't regret his daughter Catherine taking hers, he didn't blame Sophie for seeking happiness through status, it "*" was just that he couldn't stick with it himself.

He had known all about Maureen, he had never lost contact, not until Kevin O'Hagan died. He had written to Kevin at his club and asked him for news of his little girl. He showed Maureen a scrapbook he had made, cuttings from the newspapers about Maureen's shops, photographs cut from society magazines about r Maureen at this dance or that reception. Photos too of Maureen with Deirdre O'Hagan, including one showing her in bridesmaid's outfit.

'They're having a silver wedding would you believe this year.' Maureen winced at the picture of the very inelegant 1960 wedding outfits. How could they have known so little then, had she only developed a clothes sense much later?'

Mr O'Hagan had written regularly, it was only when his letter was returned from the club with a note that Maureen's father had heard of his friend's death. He had been instructed to leave no evidence of the correspondence in his house, part of the deal had been that Bernard Barry be mourned as a dead man.

They talked easily, old friends with a lot in common, it seemed.

'Did you have any great love that you didn't follow?' he asked as he sipped his brandy. At seventy he felt entitled to a little luxury like this, he said.

'Not really, not a great love.' She was uncertain.

'But something that could have been a great love.'

'I thought so, at the time, but I was wrong, it would never have worked. It would have held us both back, we were too different, it would have been unthinkable in many ways.' Maureen knew that her voice sounded like her mother's as she said this.

She found it easy to tell this man about Frank Quigley, about how she had loved him so much when she was twenty she thought that her whole body and soul would explode. She found it not at all difficult to use such words, although she had never even articulated them before.

She told how she had done everything but sleep with Frank that summer, and the reason she held back was not the usual fear of pregnancy that had held every other girl back, but simply she knew that she must not get more involved than she already was as he would never fit into her life.

'And was this something you believed or was it something Sophie told you?' His voice was gentle, without accusation.

'Oh I believed it, I believed it utterly. I thought there were two types of people, us and them. And Frank was definitely them. So was Desmond Doyle but somehow Deirdre O'Hagan managed to get away with it. I remember at the wedding we were all pretending Desmond's people came from some estate in the West instead of a cabin on the side of a hill.'

'She didn't get away with it entirely,' Maureen's father said.

'You mean Mr O'Hagan wrote to you about that?'

'Yes, a bit. I suppose I was someone he could talk to who wasn't involved, who never would be.'

Maureen told how Frank Quigley had come to Dublin uninvited for her Conferring day. How he had stood at the back of the hall and made whooping sounds and shouted as she went to receive her parchment.

He had called to the house afterwards. It had been terrible.

'Did Sophie order him away?'

'No, you know Mother, well maybe you don't but she wouldn't do that, she killed him with kindness, she was charm itself... "Oh and tell me Frank, would my late husband and I have met your people when we were in Westport"... you know the kind of thing.'

'I do.' He looked sad.

'And Frank somehow behaved worse and worse, everything she did seemed to make him more bolshie and thick and badly behaved. He took out his comb during supper and combed his hair, you know, looking at himself in that bit of mirror in the sideboard. Oh and he stirred his coffee as if he were going to go through the bottom of the cup. I could have killed him, and I could have killed myself for caring.'

'And what did your mother say?'

'Oh, something like "Have you enough sugar, Frank? Or perhaps you would have preferred tea?" You know, terribly polite, not a hint that anything was out of place unless you knew.'

'And afterwards?'

'Afterwards, she just laughed. She said he was very nice and laughed.'

There was a silence.

'But I went along with it,' Maureen said earnestly. 'I can't say she threw him out, she didn't, she never denied him the house, she even inquired about him from time to time with that little laugh, it was as if somehow by mistake we had invited poor Jimmy Hayes who did the garden in for supper. And I went along with it, because I agreed with her, I went along with her way of thinking.'

'And did you regret it?'

'Not at once, he was so foul-mouthed and called me all the snobby bitches under the sky, he almost proved Mother's point, my point. He said he'd show me, that he would be received in the highest houses in the land, and that one day my crabbed old mother and I would regret that we hadn't welcomed him to our poxy house. That's the way he spoke.'

'Out of hurt.' Her father was sympathetic.