Singing Heart (26 page)

Their barn wouldn’t be as large as his Uncle’s. For one thing they didn’t have the same livestock. Only a cow and a few chickens would suffice their needs. He also instructed the men to construct it at a good distance from the house. The fetid smell was overpowering in the summer months. Also it was a place Indians could hide and it was safer at a distance during an attack.

He smiled wryly as he gazed in awe at the work the laborers had done in a few short months. Xzan would be so thrilled when she saw the place once it was completed. His felt a twinge of regret that his mother would never be there to share it with them. She deserved better than she had all those years married to his father. She had come from a well to do family. She’d sacrificed many things to be a Fenierre. Sean still missed her more than anyone else. She had always been there to give him her wisdom or comfort him in times of trouble. He would never admit it but he needed a hug. He was bone tired. Despite how well the house was coming along or the fact that Uncle Jeb and Robert seemed to be better off since Xzan had been cooking and cleaning for them all the situation between her and himself wasn’t going anywhere fast.

She treated him like a little brother. Always friendly, courteous, doing things extra for him yet nonetheless aloof. Keeping him from getting as close as he wanted to be. Clamming up if he got too personal. He was depressed and it was beginning to show. Only last night at dinner his Uncle had demanded in his usual abrasive manner;

“
Whut are ya so down in the mouth about boy?”

Sean hadn’t responded. Just kept eating his meal quietly, put his plate in the sink and went outside to sit and think. He had been too quiet lately. Jeb didn’t know the truth so Sean couldn’t confide to the older man how frustrating it was to sleep only a foot away from the woman he adored without having any hope of ever touching her. Xzan certainly wouldn’t want to hear his feelings for her. She was the one that nagged him the hardest to open up and tell her what was wrong. He stopped making excuses and simply told everyone he was tired.

She tried to coerce him into going to sleep earlier forgoing her nightly ritual of reading her bible and turning out the lantern. The only thing that accomplished was lying in the dark even longer thinking about her. That evening at dinner Jeb looked at his nephew thoughtfully when they had finished eating and followed Sean outside casually loading his pipe and lighting it.

“
Sometimes a man needs ta git away from things fer awhile. Go ta town an hev a coupla drinks ta unwind.”

Sean thought about it deciding momentarily that for once his Uncle might have a sound piece of advice. He went to the barn; swiftly saddling his horse and rode out without telling Xzan he was leaving. She reacted the way Jeb expected she would when she finished drying the dishes and came out to join the men in the cool night air.

“
He went to town…to drink?” She asked incredulously. “Why?”

Jeb shrugged nonchalantly. “Sometimes a man’s gotta do whut a man’s gotta do.” He went back in to the cabin leaving her to fume alone.

She had been worried about Sean for weeks now. He’s been moodier every day. More withdrawn than when he was a teenager. She was scared he would get drunk and break his neck riding back home. Even angrier because he had to escape into alcohol the same way Brett had, to deal with his emotions. She hated whiskey. Hard liquor. The smell of it brought back revolting memories. Worse was the way it made men act in their drunken state. She climbed into the loft rebelliously taking the bed even though it was her turn to sleep on the floor tonight. He could lay in the dirt like the dog he was behaving like for all she cared. She had worked herself sick in the heat today. She deserved a good night’s sleep without having to worry about his foolish behavior.

Chapter Ten

Sean didn’t even try to ride back home that night. Nor did he sleep on a floor. He had shared a very comfortable bed with one the saloon girls Trudy who didn’t think of him as little brother. He had pleasured her and himself for several hours before passing out into a drunken stupor. He had the headache from hell this morning but at least his body felt relieved for the first time in months. By the time he rode into the farm his hangover had subsided. He appeared relaxed, was grinning cheerfully as he waved amicably to his family working in the fields. Unsaddling his horse he brushed it before going into the cabin to greet Xzan.

She looked ill with dark circles under her eyes. Her dark fringed eyelids were pink and puffy as if she had been crying. She hadn’t even brushed her hair. It hung in dark waves to her knees. He’d never seen it down before. He longed to touch the silken threads. Her dress was wrinkled as if she had slept in it. He frowned when she looked up briefly scowling and proceeding to ignore him while she worked.

“
Good morning!”

She didn’t respond continuing to stir the clothes she was boiling in the enormous cauldron over the hearth. Baffled, he tried again.

“
I said good morning.”

She looked up in disgust. “Go to hell!’

“
What’s wrong with you?” he asked dumbfounded.

“
Nothing!” she snapped. She bent over the pot, sweat pouring in her eyes as she tugged on some of the clothes with a paddle trying to keep them from boiling over. He didn’t try to question her any further afraid she might get injured the way she was attacking the boiling pot. Maybe she was having her menses. His mother had been very irritable during that time of the month. Everyone in the house had kept their distance, tried to be sympathetic even though it was something none of them fully understood. It didn’t seem too promising to get that cup of coffee he had hoped for so he left the cabin silently. He didn’t even notice her glare as he departed.

He fell asleep that night with no problems. She tossed and turned restlessly. Angry. Unsure why. He had every right to go into town if he wanted to. He didn’t have to tell her. They weren’t really married. He hadn’t come back home drunk which had been her main worry. He hadn’t been hurt. In fact he seemed to have done genuinely better for his jaunt. Still she felt unaccountably furious. Maybe it was because she had played her part of the married woman faithfully and she wasn’t free to come and go as he was. It didn’t seem fair somehow. Even if he had been her husband it would have been his right to go to town for a few drinks. Men had all the rights in a marriage. That was one reason she was glad she really was single.

To make matters worse he was so insensitive he actually had the audacity to refer to her cycle at dinner as if were the only rational explanation for her anti-social behavior. Men! She woke up still stressed out the next day. The more Sean and the other men patronized her the madder she got. By evening she was so furious she threw the bread dough she had been kneading back in to the bowl and screamed into an empty house.

“
Fix your own damned dinner!”

She stalked out of the house fuming mad. Blinded by her rage she was oblivious to the path she’d taken by the creek until she found herself staring in awe at the most gorgeous frame of a house she’d ever seen. It was immense. Almost as colossal as Brett’s house. The men working on it were oblivious to onlookers. She longed to go closer but she had already broken her word to have seen this much of it no matter how accidental it had been. Contrite and a bit overwhelmed her temper evaporated as she walked slowly back to the cabin. Dinner was especially tasty that night. She’s made pea soup, ham, biscuits, gravy, and an apple pie. She’d even squeezed lemons and used some of her precious supply of sugar to make lemonade. Everyone was in good spirits.

Sean stayed inside laughing and talking with the rest of them for the first time in weeks. She sat darning a pair of Robert’s socks sleepily rocking in Maggie’s chair. It never ceased to amaze her how men of any age seemed to love to boast about how they were bigger, better or stronger than another man. She’s heard so many similar stories she sometimes felt she had been there to witness the brutality in person. She dozed off listening to Jeb snore and the other two men describing who whupped whom in fights from the past.

Sean rose wearily as Robert made his pallet by the grate. Jeb usually fell asleep in his chair. No one ever woke him up to send him to bed. Sometime late into the night he would find his way there on his own. Sean debated whether or not to wake Xzan or carry her to the barn. If he could have climbed the ladder without waking her he would have let her sleep. But there was no way to hold her and climb at the same time. Gently he shook her shoulder.

“
Xzan…wake up sweetheart. It’s time to go to bed.”

She opened her eyes staring up at him slightly disoriented then nodding as she came to awareness. She walked in a daze with him leading her by the arm laughing as she kept veering off the path. She was so sleepy she almost couldn’t climb up the ladder. He half pushed her up warning her too late to watch the hem of her dress. She slipped losing her balance and toppled right on top of him sending them both sprawling below.

“
Umph!”he expelled as she knocked the wind out of him. Fortunately for both of them the hay on the floor cushioned their fall but they were a tangle of legs and arms both trying to get up in the same direction. Xzan’s long gray skirts had somehow managed to twist around Sean’s head and he was struggling to untangle himself ripping the cloth in agitation. Finally he forced her to hold still while he undid the offending yard goods lifting her bodily away from him and setting her to his left. She was wide awake now. Apologetic.

He grinned. “I’m not complaining. It’s not every day a beautiful lady tumbles into your arms.”

She giggled, brushing a piece of straw out of her long mane which had fallen out of its pins with a slender fingertip. He had it in his hair too. She reached up to smooth it away but he waylaid her hand shaking his entire thick brown mane instead sending it flying everywhere. She arose smoothing her skirts.

“
Shall we try again?”

He bowed gallantly.

“
Ladies first.”

She shook her head.

“
That’s how we got into this mess in the first place. Why don’t you lead the way this time?”

He didn’t argue. She was up a moment later. They pulled the blanket that they used as a curtain between them and began disrobing each changing into their nightclothes. She unbuttoned her dress talking companionably to him and he took off his trousers to sleep in his red long johns.

“
When will the house be ready Sean?”

“
Soon,” he replied noncommittally.

“
Before winter?” she prodded.

“
I hope so.”

“
Sean…do you…ever think about Sweetbriar?”

“
I try not to. I still miss my family.”

“
I miss them too….” Her soft voice trailed off wistfully “you know your mother was really the first female friend I ever had outside of my mother and sisters.”

“
You never talk about your family. I don’t even know how many brothers and sisters you have. Or what your parents are like. Are they still alive?”

She didn’t answer immediately. “I don’t know. I haven’t heard from them since I came west. I’m never in one place long enough to get a letter back. In a way I’m scared to. I don’t want to know. I want to remember them the way they were the last time I saw them.”

“
How long has it been?” he asked idly.

“
Over six years. I was going to a new life with a man I had just married and Momma said it was one of the happiest days in my life. I was 14. It turned out to be one of the scariest…saddest days of my life. I blamed them for it…for a long time.”

She had donned a snowy white granny gown. Now she brushed her hair one hundred strokes sitting cross-legged on the bed.

“
Don’t stop now…you’ve aroused my curiosity. Why haven’t we talked like this before?”

She pulled the curtain back peering down at him laying in his bedroll. He no longer looked like a giant baby in his blankets as she had often visualized him on the trail out west. He had grown into a very handsome man. Tall and bronzed from his hard work in the sun. Muscles rippled in his arms and chest. He was getting more barrel-chested like his father as time passed. His thick mop of brown hair turned almost gold in the summer sun yet she noticed it also grew dark in the winter. He had the best of both worlds as a blond and a brunette. His hazel eyes changed with his mood. More blue than green lately. At the oddest moments they could reflect the color of the hills with little red specks and a burst of amber when his pupils were dilated.