Sins of the Mother (5 page)

An hour later we collected our bags from the room and headed off to catch the bus – this time to Anna’s house where we were staying for the next two nights. I must admit, I was a
little sad to leave the lovely Cherry Tree B&B but still excited about seeing my sister and her kids. Mum barely spoke to me all morning – it was like she was lost in her own world. It
didn’t bother me. I was used to the silence between us and, besides, I knew all that would change once we got to Anna’s house.

‘Come here, you little squirt!’ Anna enveloped me in a massive hug the moment she opened the front door. I was never that comfortable with physical affection
– I wasn’t really used to it – but Anna never took any notice of my shyness, in fact she positively revelled in my discomfort. I liked that she was so enthusiastic. Anna was a
brilliant sister and we were the best of friends. She was thin like me with long dark straight hair – she was dressed in her usual uniform of jeans, T-shirt and Converse trainers. To put her
and my mum side by side you’d think they were twins – they had identical faces. It had broken my heart when she’d come over to Dublin with her children, now four, three and a year
old. As well as their aunt, I was their godmother and I felt close to them all. And nobody else made me feel quite so loved as Anna, even if it meant holding me in an awkward embrace for two
minutes longer than strictly necessary.

‘Let go!’ I objected, laughing.

‘No!’ she teased. ‘I’m just going to keep you here like this forever, my favourite little sister!’

‘Your only little sister!’ I corrected her.

‘Right – for that you get another minute!’

‘Oh, get off me!’ I squirmed out of her arms only to be assaulted by my nephews, who literally knocked me off my feet. Sammy, the middle one, was shy like me and hung back, hiding
behind his mother’s legs. It always took a few hours for him to warm up and I gave him a conspiratorial wink before taking Liam down with a vicious tickle.

‘Liam! Are you really four years old?’ I said as he squealed with delight. ‘Look at you! You’re as tall as a house! I can’t believe you’re four. Are you
really four?’

‘Yes!’ he giggled, rolling around on the floor.

‘Are you sure?’

‘YES!!!’ he laughed.

The rest of the day was spent playing with the kids, catching up with Anna and generally enjoying the lively atmosphere of her chaotic family home. At teatime the table was laid out with a whole
loaf of buttered bread and Anna produced a delicious home-made shepherd’s pie. This was what I missed! This was a real family home. Even Mum seemed to visibly relax in Anna’s house.
There was always music on and Anna was as lively as the kids. I loved it here – it was noisy, distracting, messy and fun, everything a home should be. I was in bed by 9 p.m. as usual, sharing
a room with my nephews, and fell asleep happy and contented.

The next morning I got up, showered and came down for breakfast where Anna was discussing the day’s arrangements with her partner Donal. Donal, twenty-five, was the
opposite of Anna: he was short at just under five foot while she towered over him at five foot seven. In contrast to her long flowing locks which almost reached to her bum, he had no hair at all.
He had started going bald very young so he chose to shave it. Today he was dressed casually in tracksuit bottoms and trainers.

Anna had reminded me the night before that we were due to go with Mum for her big meeting today so she had got Donal to mind the children.

I grabbed a piece of bread and poured myself a cup of tea from the big pot in the middle of the table. Mum was still upstairs getting ready.

‘Are you alright?’ Anna asked.

‘Mmmm-hhmmm . . .’ I nodded, with my mouth full.

‘Do you have any idea where we’re going to today?’

I shook my head.

‘It’s called a Redress Board. They’re going to speak to Mum about her experiences in the orphanage. She might get a bit upset but don’t worry, it’s all going to be
fine. We’re there to support her today, okay?’

I nodded. Soon my older brothers Philip and Justin arrived to pick us up in the car – it was lovely to see them both and we all exchanged big hugs. Justin practically lifted me off the
ground! At six foot four and well built, he was enormous and had a slow, heavy way of walking that made him look just like a lumbering giant from a fairy tale. Though Philip was just slightly
shorter than Justin, he was much slighter and more sprightly, with a thin face and straight nose. They both wore their auburn hair in tight crewcuts and had on light blue jeans and trainers. It was
Justin who announced it was time to leave and we all piled into his car.

Justin drove and Philip sat next to him upfront while I squeezed in the back with Anna, with Mum between us. Mum seemed her usual self – she hadn’t made any special effort to dress
up; she wasn’t wearing a suit or any make-up. She just had on her usual jeans and jumper. Nobody said much as we drove – it was another lovely sunny day and I was enjoying soaking up
the sights of Dublin. It had been ages since I’d last been here. It was still early in the morning and I noticed we had joined the throng of early morning commuter traffic. But while most of
the cars were heading into Dublin, it seemed we were heading out. We drove out of the main suburbs until the houses started to fall away, replaced by country roads and large country houses.

After about half an hour we pulled off the road and up a driveway towards a large property set in very big and well-kept grounds. In the centre of the driveway was a lovely water fountain
– the whole place looked like a very grand country house. Beside me I suddenly felt my mother’s shoulders stiffen and I noticed that her face had set hard. I turned to look at Anna. The
gravel crunched under the tyres until we came to a stop outside the building.

Now I could see there were other cars here and people milling around. I hoped this would just be over quickly so we could go back to the house and have fun again. Everyone looked so serious. We
all got out of the car and Mum told us to wait while she spoke to her lawyer. She was off then, chatting to two very smart-looking men in dark suits.

‘Just stick with us, okay, and try to be patient.’ Anna put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. ‘This could be a long day.’

I nodded to show I understood. I was grateful that Anna was trying to keep me informed but in truth I didn’t have a clue what was going on. I wanted to ask her more but I had a feeling
that she wouldn’t tell me even if I asked.

‘Right, they want us to go through here,’ said Mum when she came back. I could tell straight away she had been crying – her eyes were all red and puffy, but she didn’t
give anything away. Instead she waved us into the building. At first we were shown into a large conference room with a big brown table in the middle surrounded by black leather chairs. We waited
there as Mum went off to speak to her lawyer again.

While she was gone a lady in a smart grey trouser suit with a clipboard approached us. ‘The hearing is about to start,’ she said in low, confidential tones. ‘Let me show you
the room for family members.’

This time we were led out through a pair of patio doors into a little courtyard and through a long corridor. The lady with the clipboard led us into a small and stuffy little conference room
with no windows. It was just the four of us so after a while we all relaxed and sat down on the black leather chairs. I hadn’t seen Justin or Philip in ages so we passed the time by catching
up.

An hour later Mum was back in the room – she looked worse than before. Her eyes were really red now and she had a drawn, pinched look on her face. Anna immediately got up and put her arm
round her: ‘Are you alright, Mum?’

‘Yes.’ Mum shook her off. ‘I’m fine. Don’t fuss.’

They sat down and spoke in whispers I couldn’t really hear. I still didn’t have a clue what was happening. Fifteen minutes later the woman in the grey suit popped her head round the
door. ‘Are you ready to go?’ she asked my mum, and that was it, Mum was gone again. That was how it went all day long. In and out, in and out, while we all just sat in that small,
stuffy room with no windows. Every time Mum came back in she looked more upset and exhausted.

It was such a confusing and intense day and because everyone was so solemn and serious I felt I couldn’t ask what was going on. It didn’t feel right – like asking who was in
the coffin at a funeral. That made me angry. How come everyone else knew what was happening but not me? I was fifteen years old, I wasn’t a baby, and yet it felt like I was being kept in the
dark. As usual.

At lunchtime we had sandwiches brought to the room. Mum joined us but she barely touched her cheese sandwich. I saw the others were now looking really concerned and they tried their best to keep
her spirits up but it didn’t help much. Mum looked so sad, like a lost little girl. At one point she sat down next to me and I offered her a weak smile. I didn’t know what else to do or
say.

‘You know, when this is all over I’ll use the compensation to treat all of you,’ she said to me. ‘I’ll get you something nice.’

I didn’t know how to reply – I didn’t know she would be getting money for this.

By the middle of the afternoon I couldn’t bear to look at Mum any more. When she came back in after another round of interviewing, she looked so withdrawn and wrung out she had literally
shrunk in front of us. It was a shocking sight. My sister and brothers rose as one and went towards her but it looked like Mum had had enough. She waved them away and collapsed on the nearest
chair. Her face was ashen and her fingers trembled.

‘I’ll get you a coffee, Mum,’ said Philip.

‘Mum, are you okay?’ Anna went to sit beside her and took her hand.

I felt helpless and a little scared.
What the hell is going on? I thought we were on a nice holiday – now everything is so awful and scary. What on earth happened to Mum in the
orphanage to make her look like this?

‘You doing okay?’ Anna asked me after Mum went back in. I nodded, but inside I felt wretched.

‘Don’t worry,’ she went on. ‘It’ll be over soon. Mum’ll be alright in time. It’s just . . . upsetting for her, that’s all.’

‘What’s going on? What’s this all about?’ Now I
had
to know. It felt like everyone was keeping me in the dark.

But Anna just clamped her lips shut and her eyes fell to the floor. ‘Mum will tell you in her own time,’ she said after a while. ‘It’s really not for me to
say.’

I could have screamed at that point – it was so frustrating but there was nothing I could do so I just whiled away the time sketching.

Thankfully, by 3.30 p.m. it was over and we piled into the car for the drive back to Anna’s. Nobody said much on the way home – Mum needed some peace and quiet, we could see that, so
we didn’t talk. I was in bed early that night, and grateful for the chance to finally close my eyes and forget about the whole day.

The next morning Mum went to visit Philip for a few hours while I stayed at Anna’s, and in the evening Justin gave us a lift to the airport for our late-night flight home. I was sad to
leave my sister and her family. It had been a short, confusing trip, not at all as I’d imagined it. The hotel had been such a lovely surprise, and of course I loved catching up with my
family, but then everything else had been horrible and nothing was clear to me.

Mum was acting like nothing was wrong and, on the flight home, she was her normal self. Quiet but composed. But as we flew over the Irish Channel, something niggled at me and I
couldn’t help myself, I had to know.

‘Mum, you know the hotel?’

‘Mmmm?’

‘Why did we go there?’

‘The Redress Board paid for it – they paid for the flights too.’

‘Oh – did you get things sorted out with them, Mum?’

‘Erm, no,’ she said, gripping the arms of her seat and staring hard out of the window. ‘No, not really.’

It was nearly midnight when we arrived back at Manchester airport and we quickly caught a taxi back to the house. I was shattered and went straight to bed. The next day I got up early as usual
and came downstairs in my slippers and dressing gown to make a cup of tea. Mum was still slumped on the sofa, fast asleep and fully dressed.

4

IRENE

The Bad Luck Girl
DUBLIN
, 1964

‘Monkey Face! Come here, Monkey Face!’ I could hear my sister Frances shouting for me from the front doorway of our tenement block. I didn’t reply.
Ha!
I thought to myself.
She thinks I’m outside but I’m not.
I was sat right at the top of the stairs, looking through the railings at my feet dangling below me.
And I’m not coming down! She can shout all she likes but I’m not coming down and I’m not going to reply either.

I liked it up here – it was quiet and peaceful, one of my favourite hiding places. My other secret hiding place was called the cubbyhole, a bare concrete cupboard just outside our flat
where we put all our coats. I liked to climb inside there and bury myself under the coats. I figured that if I made myself as small and as still as possible then I was practically invisible which
meant that nobody could see me. And if nobody could see me, nobody could hurt me. Particularly not my mother.