Six Flavours of Sin (20 page)

Chapter 35

SNAP

I haven't been allowed to consume alcohol either since Gary made his new rules. Drunk women are cheap. Wow. So the man who regularly plied me with enough liquor for a frat party now has a new view on me drinking or smoking.

Naturally, he's allowed to do both. He's allowed out. He has freedom, and I have dawdled to the brink of mental ruin by living inside his four walls without any normal anything.

I get up just before dawn
and sneak to the kitchen and have a long drink from the kitchen tap. Hoping that's enough water to sustain me for the day. Quietly I slip out of the door and start walking.

I walk until I'm totally lost, in the middle of a field, far away from them. I sit down on the dusty dry earth with the ants and beetles and start reading my book, but can't focus. My eyes are blurring with pain. I hate this place.

The sand is almost red, like iron oxide. It's hard and dry, unlike the fertile black soil at home. There's no moisture in the air despite the knowledge that there is a river close by.

It's fairly flat, the eye can see a panorama
for miles. And all I'm staring at is long dry grass and a smattering of trees on the land. The only nice things here are the few frangipani trees that line the drive in front of the hovel I paid a fortune to stay in, against my will.

It's hell being stuck in a bedroom with Gary. I haven't let him see me naked for months and now he wants me to pretend to be a loving partner, sleeping in the same bed? Knowing him he'll take advantage of the moment with a house full of people, all on his side. I have no idea where we are.

It's so isolated that there's no way I can even hitch home, if I even knew which direction to take. I cry for as long as I dare. Then I continue reading, praying for time to accelerate so that I can get the hell away from them, and him.

I can't go on like this. I have no idea where I'm going, but I have to get out. I feel so stifled and persecuted, my anguish has become unbearable. I cannot endure any more.

Only once, in the distance, I saw Gary, Alan and Neville, wandering along a path chattering noisily and laughing sporadically. The sound of him laughing fills me with more bitterness. I lay back in the long grass to hide until I could no longer hear them.

I would love to brush my teeth. Maybe get something to drink. But to be honest, I'm wondering if Gary ever cared for me. Is he even vaguely worried that something has happened to me? Out here, in the middle of nowhere? If I'd been bitten by a poisonous snake I'd be long dead before anyone found me. His complete lack of interest exhumes heartache I believed I was beyond.
             

Skittishly, I survey sun blackened rocks. Lizards roam in paradise here. Shocking yellow and electric blue lizards. If there are lizards there must be snakes. I mean come on, this is me we're talking about.

Hiking up Table Mountain I was confronted with a yellow king cobra. Hiking the Drakensberg my best friend stood on a berg adder. I am not known for my luck out in the bush. Do I need a better reason to prefer the ocean and flat white beach?

A part of me wanted him to come looking for me. For once, I'd like to see him smile at me. Possibly say a kind word. My heart aches with constricting pain when I think about how Gary makes me feel now.

He ruined my life. He clipped my wings just as I was about to fly. He wasted my time just long enough to burn every bridge, and then switched. He became the monster I now know: the one who has reduced me to nothing. I am not even worthy of his time.

I stayed there all day, and continued to sit there until darkness had slipped cold tendrils around me for at least two hours. I sigh heavily, wipe my eyes, and trudge slowly and quietly toward the only light in the darkness. That must be the house we're staying in. The cicadas are so loud they are almost deafening. Good thing I'm not scared of bugs or bats.

As I get closer I can see and hear them, but because of the absolute dark they can't see me out here watching them. I'm loathe to return. I'd rather wait until they go to bed.

Kristy comes out onto the steps and calls Gary from the fire, where the men are barbecuing together, smoking a joint in jovial camaraderie.

"Gary, I think it's time you went to look for Stefanie."

I can't hear his reply because of his deep baritone.

"Gary, she's been missing all day!"

This response I definitely hear.

"I don't give a fuck."

And just like that, by accident, I got the answer to the question that's plagued me all day. Does Gary love me? Did he ever love me? Obviously not. I stagger backwards, a wounded yelp sneaking past my lips.

I stumble through trees, trying to put as much distance between myself and him as I can. I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry and thirsty. And I'm so alone.

My hold on composure, and possibly even my sanity, is fragile. It hurts. It really bloody hurts. How many years did I give to
him alone? I never cheated once, yet he did. Was it just to own me? Why?

Broken I cry, curled up on the hard earth at the base of a tree. There's nothing left on
earth for me. No friends, no job, no home, no love, nothing. I am wracked, broken, and I despise life.

I hate living. All it's given me is endless pain. Right now I want to die more
than anything else in the world. In fact, that's exactly what I'm going to do. The minute I get back home, I'm going to go down to the park and end it. Anything to stop this pain.

I fall asleep curled up against the cold. Shattered, inside a body still whole, despite massive neglect.

… Pause ...

… Play …

I am jubilant when I return and they're all packing the cars. YAY! We're leaving. Neville rushes to me, putting a warm hand on my aching arm, "Stef. Jesus I've been worried sick about you."

I dredge out a smile, "Thanks."

Gary is glaring at me with undisguised hatred now. He doesn't care who sees him loathing me.

What? I didn't speak to anyone. Wasn't that one of the rules for the weekend?

He stalks past me and hisses, "When we get home ..."

Another threat. I almost want to smile back. When we get home I'm going to kill myself. And I'll finally be free of you.

I get into the back seat with my book and start reading it all over again. I don't care what anyone says I am ignoring them all. I just have to hold on to my ragged edges for a few more hours. Just a few more hours of hell, and
I can run.

Except the devil is watching. And he's looking after his spawn. My heart sinks when I hear Gary and Charl talking, on the drive.

"Let's stop and say hi to Adam."

God no! I hate Adam. And I can't keep hanging on.

Gary is so excited that for a nanosecond he forgets he hates me, "Hey woman? Wouldn't that be rad?"

I shake my head and whisper, "No."

I can't. I just can't keep a hold on my agony for as long as they decide to put me through even worse hell with Adam, Gary's druggie, lunatic friend. He's the kind of guy that would bump you off the planet as a favour to an old friend.

Gary's eyes narrow, "What did you say?"

Trish is relishing this stand-off and turns in her seat to watch the spectacle with obvious glee.

"I want to go home. I don't want to go to Adam."

"You have to fuck up everything, don't you? What the fuck is your problem?"

SNAP.

I slap his arm, hard.

"You're my fucking problem!"

And just like that I lose it, like a ricocheting bungee cord I start raining bitch slaps all over Gary. He's looking so angry, embarrassed and shocked, he seems alarmed.

I have never snapped. Never. I've let him degrade me, shame me, cheat on me, lie to me, molest me, torture me, punish me and, not once through it all, have I ever retaliated. But I can't take anymore. I just am so hurt that I
need
to hurt him. He hits me back and I feel pain lance though my cheek as the burning spreads.

Wild, crazed, I start clawing and screaming, “I hate you. I
hate you
!
I hate you!”

Charl hits the brakes hard, causing me to brace myself and stop hitting Gary. Charl turns in his seat and points a finger at my nose, yelling at me like I'm his bastard three-year-old son, "Hey - hey - hey!" In a disciplinary tone he shouts at me, "You stop this shit right now!"

I slap his finger away, "I fucking hate you too."

Trish is outraged and reaches over to slap me again, "Don't you talk to him like that." She makes contact too.

I am crazed with anger and am ready to kill her. I thrust my door open and stalk around the car, yanking at her locked door. "Get out. Come on you coward! You've been bitching about me all weekend without ever having met me. I've heard you. If you have so much to say then get out here and face me fair and square."

Gary dives out of the car and locks his arms around me. Lifting me off my feet,
"Woman, stop it. Please, stop it."

The cars with the groupies have stopped behind us. Everyone is gawping at me and Gary. Trish yells out of the top of her window, "Crazy bitch!"

I scream back, "Get out here. I'll fucking kill you!"

"Jesus woman, what the hell is wrong with you?" Gary, naturally has
to defend the potato bitch.

He carries me in a human straitjacket off to a safe distance before putting me on the ground, gripping my shoulders so hard it hurts. Forcing me to face him.

Whispering, in a shaking voice, he demands, "What the hell? Stefanie, I've never seen you like this."

I can't take any more. I disintegrate. My shoulders fold forward as I start sobbing hysterically, "Gary why? Why did you do this to me?"

"What? I haven't done anything to you. You're the one doing this to
me
."

I shake my head as sobs and wretched howls escape from the solitary confinement Gary has made my wounded life. "Why? Why did
you date me? Why did you choose me? I can't do this any more, Gary. It hurts too much."

"Because I could.  You were a challenge."

And just like that the water stops flowing. The anger courses strength back into my bones. I slap him with all of my might before turning on my heel and starting to walk home.

I have no idea where the fuck I am. But I'm not getting back into that car with that woman because I want to kill her. I am not going to Adam's house for more hours of misery. I'll take my chances.

I don't care if it takes me three weeks to walk home. I'm not spending another moment with that bunch of hypocritical, back stabbing, assholes.

He runs after me, "Woman, what are you doing?"

"Leaving."

"You can't leave."

"Watch me."

"Stefanie, come on. Be reasonable. You're miles from anywhere."

I pause, my voice screeching out of me, "
I. Don’t. Care
."

He grips my arm, forcing me to stop, "Woman! Stop this shit right
now
."

With my free hand, I shoot my arm up to slap him again. He catches my wrist. His strength biting into my bones, I'm so painfully thin.

"Stop it!"

Through clenched teeth, I hiss back, "Fuck you. Thank you very much for fucking up my life, you fucking liar!"

"Me? What the hell did
I
do?"

I wrench my hands free and start battering him again, "What did you do?
What did you do?
"

Sobs start falling out of me. The agony seeping out like puss. Rancid, putrid, oozing wounds, kept locked up quietly in silence for so long.

"You promised.
You fucking promised!
"

Gary starts crying. "Woman, stop it. I love you."

"
No you don't
." I shriek, wounded, howling. "I heard you tell Kristy, you don't give a fuck!"

"I didn't mean it. What was I going to say? You made me look bad."

I punch his arm with all my feeble might, "You don't love me. You never did. All you wanted to do was make me a prisoner and fuck up my life. You took away
everything
that made me happy.
I
hate you
."

He's shaken. I can see him trembling. He looks quite frightful.

I sob, shoving my hand over my mouth, and continue storming down the road. Anything rather than go back there. No more.

…
Pause ...

… Play …

The friends had a meeting as I stormed down the road toward the sign that announced the direction to White River.