Sizzle (20 page)

“She needs so much and I don’t know if I can provide even the basics. She’s a baby and she’s stuck with me. My mother will help but I’ll be her main support and do all the things a parent should do.” Small gasps for air escape her as she fights for control.

Providing financially will never be a problem. I will take care of all the expenses. This goes deeper, though. “Does any parent really know what they’re doing?” I say instead.

“You don’t understand,” she whispers and then remains quiet.

“What don’t I understand?”

She shrugs. “I never wanted children. I just wanted my life nice and tidy. I wanted to work a job, come home, have a glass of wine, read a book, and repeat. I’m a selfish person. I planned to swear off men. Well…” she looks up at me. “Relationships. I wanted to be the old cat lady minus the cats. I didn’t even want to care for a damned cat. That was my ambition in life. I’m a social dud. As a parent I’ll be a dud too. What the hell do I do?”

I’m not an idiot and the last thing I would say is that it will work itself out. Raising Kiley won’t be easy. The child comes with more baggage than I do. Carlo said children are resilient, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t psychological damage combined with the very real, more than possible drug addiction when Kiley was born. Carlo mentioned it to me and Moon. He didn’t see signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but that’s only alcohol related. Meth, cocaine, heroin—they’re all possibilities. It would be surprising if Kiley’s mother didn’t use when she was pregnant.

“You won’t be alone, Celina.”

She laughs and more tears spill from her eyes. “I can’t raise her in your world, Alex. She deserves a safe environment away from everything she’s ever known in her life. I know you’ll protect us, but I need to protect her and leave here as soon as it’s safe.” Her voice rises, “I just don’t fucking want to. I still want to be selfish, even though I can’t be. You and I don’t even know each other, but I want the time to understand who you are and why you make me feel this way.” She wipes her face and pushes the knife in further. “I want a chance to fall in love with you.”

She can’t fool me because her heart is in her swollen eyes. She already loves me no matter how ridiculous that seems. Three fucking days and the two of us are a mess. I pull her in because I can’t look at the hurt in her expression. “We do what we must. That’s the life I have, and you’re right, my world is no place for a child.” I pull away so I can see her face. “We take the few days we have. It’s all we can give each other, so we take it.” I slam my mouth down on hers and slip my tongue past her sweet lips.

I’ve just recognized what it is about Celina that makes her so incredibly special and it hits me hard. She replaces the images. Completely clears them from my brain. The violent rage I’ve carried for so long stops. She breathes sanity back into my life of blood and death.

And that’s why I’ll let her go. The last thing I want is for her to ever see my demons.

We check on Kiley after our shower and decide to take her out to the pool. She holds the doll like it’s her lifeline. Celina sits beside her and coaxes her to place her bare feet in the water. It’s as far as Kiley will go. I doubt she’s ever been in a swimming pool. That says a lot because eighty percent of homes in the Phoenix area have pools.

I watch Celina while she tries to interact with Kiley. I know she’s frustrated that Gabriella makes it appear so easy. She talks and cajoles, but none of it does any good. Kiley’s big eyes look at Celina like she’s an alien from another planet. Celina doesn’t let up and my heart breaks for her. I know she’s expecting entirely too much in only a few hours. It’s hard because even I want to see some type of response.

It’s too hot to remain outside for long, so we head back into the house after about forty-five minutes. “How about a snack?” I ask them. “Gabriella always hides goodies around the kitchen; you just need to know where to search.”

Celina gives me a tight smile as I lead them to the kitchen. The sad truth is neither of us knows much about dealing with children. I look inside the refrigerator and see containers of fresh vegetables that Gabriella always has waiting for me and Moon. I’m assuming those might be out as far as snacks go. Do three year olds eat raw vegetables? I know Madison sneaks cookies every now and then, but I don’t touch the things. I spot a bowl of oranges and bring it out of the refrigerator. Celina is no help, she only shrugs.

I begin peeling and divide two oranges onto three napkins. We situate Kiley at the table between us and we eat our portions. Kiley watches us closely and eats when we do.

“These are really good,” Celina says.

“Made them myself and very proud of it,” I reply, which gets a small laugh out of Celina. Fact is fact and I’ve been taken care of for so long by Gabriella that even providing a small snack for a child is almost beyond my capabilities. My apartment kitchen is also stocked with fruits and vegetables by Gabriella. The only thing I add on occasion is a six pack of beer.

Celina is watching Kiley when her phone rings. She’s startled for a second and then pulls it from her pocket. “It’s my mother,” she says in a whisper before she answers the call.

Mothers.

I knew she had one, I even knew where her mother worked and about the condition of her father. I never gave them more than a passing thought after reading her bio.

“Oh, Mom.”

The sound of devastation in those two words tells me something is seriously wrong. Celina turns away from the table and wipes her cheek. She’s crying.

“I’ll be right there, Mom. I love you.” She disconnects the call with trembling fingers and meets my gaze. “My father.” She blinks a few times, looks at Kiley, and then back at me. “He’s gone. I need to be with my mother.”

I stand up and wrap her in my arms. She cries against my chest while I watch Kiley watching us. Celina looks over her shoulder at her niece and whispers, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Leave her here and do what you need to do. Go to your mom now and Gabriella will take over Kiley. She’s good at that.” I kiss her cheek. “I’ll have you driven wherever you need and keep a driver available for you. He’ll double as protection so you and your mother are safe.”

She takes a deep breath and wipes her tears. “Okay, you’re sure about Kiley? My mom will want to meet her soon, but the nursing home is no place to take her and this is not the time to explain everything to my mother.”

“Go grab what you need and I’ll handle Kiley for now.” I’m thankfully keeping the terror from my expression. Who the fuck am I to spend even a few moments alone with a small child?

I receive a gentle kiss on the lips for the offer. Celina also kisses Kiley on the cheek. “I need to go visit my mother, your grandmother. You’ll be meeting her soon and I know you’ll love her. I’ll be back here as quickly as possible, okay?” She turns away and wipes her tears again.

Kiley continues eating her orange as Celina walks from the kitchen. I sit back down and look at Kiley. “It’s you and me, kid.” Maybe not original, but it’s what comes out. “We’ll find Gabriella when you finish the orange,” I add without a drop of the desperation I feel in my voice. As usual, she doesn’t respond.

I take out my phone and alert Rack to prepare a car. I keep my eyes steady on Kiley with her red ringlets, blue eyes, and intense gaze. Talk about being in over my head.

Celina

I ARRIVE AT THE
nursing home an hour later. Having a driver has its benefits, though sitting in the back of the car and thinking about all the overwhelming details is not one of them. On the only positive side I can come up with, having a driver most likely saved me from crashing my car.

I left Kiley with Gabriella and Alex and I can’t think about it right now. My mother is sitting beside my father when I enter the room. Her hand is resting on his lifeless one. She glances over her shoulder and sees me. She leans into my father and begins sobbing on his chest. I walk over and put my hand on her back.

She feels so frail. When did that happen and why didn’t I notice?

The man lying in the bed with his slack, frozen features is not my father. He’s been gone for many months now. That doesn’t make it easier. During my visit last week, I wished his passing had happened months ago. Now I regret those thoughts. My mother has loved him for more than thirty years. The two of them have always been a team, and the sun rose for my dad when Mom entered a room. Even in the nursing home she came every day to share her life. I’m selfish to want that taken from her any earlier than it had to be.

A staff member steps in and gives me a small smile. Through my tears, I smile back sadly. My mother finally controls herself enough to sit up.

“Bring a chair over and tell me your best memory of your father,” she requests after wiping her face with tissues. She hands me the box when she’s done. Over the next hour, we sit and speak of my father. At times we cry, but we also laugh. He took me fishing once and I got a hook caught in my hair; he cut it out with a knife he had in the fishing box. My mother was furious. She took me to the beauty shop and had all my hair cut off so at least it was even. My dad ruffled my head every time he walked past me until my hair grew out. I loved when he did it. I loved spending time with him.

The time finally arrives to say goodbye and that’s the hardest part. I kiss his cold cheek and give his hand one last squeeze. I watch my mom cry against his chest again. Eventually, she stands up, takes my hand, and we walk away with heavy hearts from the man we both love.

I forgot Rack waits in the lobby. He’s as big as Alex and his suit and tie take nothing from his lethal presence. I should have prepared my mother or at least rehearsed what to say. “Mom, this is, um… a friend provided a car and this is the driver.” And bodyguard and I have no doubt, killer. My mother places her hand out automatically even though she looks confused.

“Rack, ma’am. I’ll be available for you as long as you need me.”

“Thank you,” she replies as he leads us out to a waiting Cadillac. Her red eyes cut to mine and I offer a small smile. Rack ushers us into the back as I explain to my mom that he will have someone pick up her car and bring it to her house. He takes her keys and we wait as he goes to the car she points out and locks the keys inside.

“Is he a gentleman friend?” my mom asks.

“Rack?” At her nod I assure her, “No, Mom, he’s a driver.” Answering these questions is not going to be easy.

“I mean the man who gave you a driver, silly.”

“His name is Alex and we’ve only known each other a few days. I was with him when you called and he offered the driver. It was very nice of him and I decided not to fight it.”

She takes my hand. “You are always very stubborn when it comes to people helping you.”

Am I? She has no idea the help I’ve taken during the past few days. I sincerely hope she never finds out. Rack opens the driver’s door and slides behind the wheel. He asks where we need to go and I give him my mother’s address. He begins driving without a GPS. Like most people who live here, you learn the street grids—north, south, east, west, avenue, street. Once you figure out the system, it’s fairly straightforward. Rack needs no directions until we’re in the immediate area.

He drops us at the house. Alex explained that Rack will stay close but as unobtrusive as possible. There’s been no word on Dax, so Rack will stay around to protect my mom and me for as long as needed. Without knowing it, my mother is now involved in a world of violence. Somehow, I need to find a way to explain a few things to her.