Skeleton Women (26 page)
Her statement took me by such surprise that I couldn’t think of a proper response. Not only was she using this “accident” and my relationship with Lung to befriend him, she was also going to spite me by contacting Lung herself instead of asking me to do so. What nerve!
Slicing her finger had not only failed to make her disappear, it would now be a pretext for her to get closer to Lung. I was in a state of disbelief. But one thing was certain: I could not let this happen!
Although I kept my smile sweet and innocent, my heart was plunging down to the floor. I ignored her question and instead asked, “Shadow, are you angry at me?”
She answered with a sincere expression. “Yes and no. I was angry that you injured me, but then I was not angry because I know you didn’t do it on purpose.”
Was she dissembling or telling the truth?
“Thank you so much for understanding, Shadow. So ... are we friends again?”
“Of course. That’s why I’m here. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, because you once saved my life, remember?”
She was referring to the night I’d “rescued” her from being robbed. Judging from her expression, I was pretty sure she didn’t suspect anything fishy, that I had staged the robbery by having Gao disguise himself as a hooligan. Because, after all, I had “risked my life” to save hers and had even gotten a cut on my forearm.
Unless, like me, she was also an excellent actress worthy of the most prestigious award for deceiving.
“Shadow, I apologize again for my mistake, and I’m so glad that your finger is okay.”
“I’m glad that you’re okay, too. The police wanted to take you to the hospital for a checkup, but you resisted so vehemently, they gave up.”
I was alarmed that I didn’t even remember this.
I said, “Then let’s not talk about unpleasant things but have some food and something to drink.”
“Good.” Shadow raised her glass. “To our future cooperation!” she toasted, then downed her whiskey in one big gulp.
Finally, after she’d left, to calm my nerves I opened the bottle of wine she had brought and quickly downed a full glass. I choked, surprised by its cheap, acid taste.
This dog-fucked Shadow, couldn’t she get my message that it was time to leave Shanghai? Wasn’t she afraid of me, of anyone? Maybe she thought I had no courage to harm her again?
PART FIVE
24
A Ghost Baby Boy
B
y telephone Big Brother Wang and I agreed that I would not contact him until the public frenzy around the show of the century calmed down. I couldn’t let people find out that I was well and sane. But perhaps I wasn’t. I stopped reading all the gossip about me, including Rainbow Chang’s, afraid that I might discover that someone other than I knew the “truth,” whatever it was.
y telephone Big Brother Wang and I agreed that I would not contact him until the public frenzy around the show of the century calmed down. I couldn’t let people find out that I was well and sane. But perhaps I wasn’t. I stopped reading all the gossip about me, including Rainbow Chang’s, afraid that I might discover that someone other than I knew the “truth,” whatever it was.
For my “convalescence,” I mainly stayed in my apartment and read to pass the time. I refrained from going to the Bund to practice so as not to risk being seen and to avoid Jinying, who might look for me there. When he called, I told Ah Fong to say either that I was out or that I was asleep. If he came to the apartment, Ah Fong would say that I was not home and send him away.
Finally, a few weeks after the accident, I did agree to talk to Jinying once over the phone.
His voice held love, sadness, and fear, all rolled into one. “Camilla, please, why don’t you let me see you?”
“Jinying, I appreciate your concern. But I’m still not back to normal, and you don’t want to see me looking sick.”
Now his voice jolted up like an elevator. “That’s pure nonsense! I love you, Camilla, and I don’t care how you look!”
“All men care, Jinying. Don’t pretend you are any different.”
He was silent again, then pleaded, “Let me see you and take care of you, please, Camilla.”
I didn’t answer but asked instead, “How’s your father? Did he hear about the accident?”
“Yes, I told him, and he sends his good wishes for your recovery. He said he’ll be back soon.”
I had not forgotten that Jinying had not come to my performance by himself. So I asked casually, “How did your friend like my show?”
“Who do you mean?”
Did he think I would not have noticed the pretty girl who’d leaned on him the whole time?
So I had to be more direct. “Who is she?”
“Oh, her. She’s Mr. Zhu’s daughter. Zhu insisted I take her to your show, since he couldn’t be there.”
“Anyone could tell she’s very fond of you.”
“I don’t care about her. No other woman matters to me except you!”
“Jinying, I’m tired now and need to rest. I’ll see you soon, I promise.” After that, I hung up.
Jinying was not the only one who cared about me. There was also Gao. Of course he couldn’t visit me and bring flowers or fruit because he was away with Lung at a meeting somewhere. But he had sent a letter.
Dear Miss Camilla,
I am extremely sorry to hear that you fainted and your partner was injured during your show. If only I had been there, I could have dashed onstage to help you.
I am worried about you. Are you not feeling well? I think you are under too much strain. I hope you consider me a friend.
I also hope you will allow me to visit you when I return to Shanghai. If you need anything or any help, just let me know. I’ll do anything for you.
Take very good care of yourself, and be well and happy.
Your loyal servant,
Gao
Gao
I didn’t know why, but despite the concern of these two attractive men, I felt sad. I feared I was having more feelings toward both than I could afford. Jinying and Gao, one a boss’s son, whom so many competed to please, the other the underling whose job was to fend these people off. Whom should I choose? With either there was extreme danger!
Gao’s
I am worried about you. Are you not feeling well? I think you are under too much strain,
worried me. Gao had noticed that something was amiss with me. He had good reason to wonder if I was pregnant, of course.
I am worried about you. Are you not feeling well? I think you are under too much strain,
worried me. Gao had noticed that something was amiss with me. He had good reason to wonder if I was pregnant, of course.
I decided to visit Madame Lewinsky to see if I could fish some advice from her on women’s matters. Although I tried to brace myself to be strong, all that had happened—and would happen—began to weigh on me so much that I felt relieved to see her, though I had been trained not to depend on anyone.
Lewinsky’s face, familiar and affectionate, soothed me like a cool breeze on a sultry summer day. After she led me to sit on the sofa, she went inside the kitchen to make tea. I listened to the pleasant metallic banging of pots and pans and had a rare feeling of something close to happiness. Soon Lewinsky came out from the kitchen carrying a tray. She laid it on the table and poured tea. We began to sip the sugar-and-milk-sweetened Russian black tea and nibbled on the sponge cakes she’d baked.
My teacher took a deep sip of the scalding liquid. “All right, tell me everything that has happened to you lately.”
I was not surprised that she didn’t seem to know about the accident, because she couldn’t read the Chinese gossip papers.
I said, “I’m taking a short leave from the Bright Moon. That’s why I can come to see you.”
“Are you not feeling well?” She placed her hand on my forehead.
I shook my head. “Oh, no, I just think I need to rest more, even my voice.”
I hoped she hadn’t noticed that my hand involuntarily moved to cover my stomach. I wore a somewhat loose dress, for I was now over almost four months pregnant and already had to put aside my body-hugging
cheongsams
.
cheongsams
.
“Good thought.” She smiled, and her eyes studied me lovingly. A long moment passed before she spoke again, now looking serious. “I miss you, Camilla, so I want to ask you something. Since I don’t have any children, and you are like a daughter to me, I would like you to come live here in my home. It’s not good to live alone.”
This was completely unexpected. At this point in my life I did not want to be her daughter or anyone else’s!
I could not think how to answer her question right away. Then I thought of the Chinese strategy
yitui weijin,
retreat in order to advance. “Madame Lewinsky, I’m just a nightclub performer, so I don’t think I am worthy to be your daughter.”
yitui weijin,
retreat in order to advance. “Madame Lewinsky, I’m just a nightclub performer, so I don’t think I am worthy to be your daughter.”
She looked a little upset but seemed to recover quickly. “Camilla, you’re not just a nightclub performer but a great singer, the Heavenly Songbird. Let me tell you, everyone knows that it’s hard for a student to find a good teacher, but few realize it’s even harder for a teacher to find good students. I’m very grateful to God for sending you to me.” She took a meditative sip of her tea, then said, “I understand my request may be too sudden for you. But I hope you will go home and seriously consider it.”
So as not to crush her hope, I said, smiling demurely, “I’ll definitely do so.”
“Please. Since we’re extremely compatible, we’ll take very good care of each other.”
I studied her aging face and felt a tinge of pity. She must have been a gorgeous woman in her youth, sought after by men for her beauty and talent, just as I was now. But time had transformed her from a beautiful young woman to an old, lonely one. All she had now was her past glory and her students. I would end up like her unless I could escape to a life better than being a gangster’s mistress and a spy.
Lewinsky’s voice awakened me from my reverie. She looked at me, her face filled with concern, “Are you okay, Camilla? Don’t be afraid to tell me what’s on your mind.”
“I’m fine, just a little tired, maybe bored.” I had lost my nerve to tell her I was pregnant.
“All right, then, why don’t we sing?”
We went to the piano. I just listened as her strong, round-tipped fingers began hitting the keyboard, flooding the room with music. Lewinsky began to sing in her powerful, nuanced voice. But ominously, the music was Schubert’s
Death and the Maiden
.
Death and the Maiden
.
The Maiden:
Let me be! Let me be!
Go away, man of bones!
I am but young! Go away,
And lay not your hand upon me.
And lay not your hand upon me
Let me be! Let me be!
Go away, man of bones!
I am but young! Go away,
And lay not your hand upon me.
And lay not your hand upon me
Death:
Let me take your hand, beautiful maiden!
I come as a friend, not to punish.
Be of good cheer! I am not unkind,
Slumber softly in my arms!
Let me take your hand, beautiful maiden!
I come as a friend, not to punish.
Be of good cheer! I am not unkind,
Slumber softly in my arms!
Hearing the words, I felt a jolt of despair, similar to what I’d experienced when I’d tried to kill myself in the Seine. I didn’t know why she’d picked such a depressing song. Did Lewinsky see through me and think she might exorcise my inner demons by helping me to face my fears?
Was this a premonition or just a random choice of a familiar song?
I listened to two more songs, then politely took my leave.
By the door, Lewinsky touched my cheek tenderly. “Camilla, you need someone. You really can’t go on like this. If you have problems, please come to me. I’ll try my best to help. If you don’t want me to be your mother, at least you can trust me as a friend. I’ve lived what you’re living now. You will learn that it’s no fun getting old and see younger women steal the glory that once belonged to you.”
I smiled back. “I’m fine, really, Madame Lewinsky. I just need some time to rest and think things over.”
“Good, then I hope you consider my offer and come to stay with me soon.”
After I left her place and headed home, I wondered if I had done the right thing by visiting my teacher. Little seemed to escape her sharp eyes. But her home was the only oasis in the perilous desert of my life.
Back at my apartment, I resolved that I would continue to carry out my plan, whatever the outcome.
My biggest concern for the moment was my soon-to-be-protruding stomach. I feared the explosion of gossip that would begin as soon as I showed. At times I still thought of trying to abort the baby. As I was soon to be a mother with no husband, others would know of my bad, lustful karma for the rest of my life. So on one dark night I took an herb I had bought from an old woman in a street market.
That night I had a dream.
A baby boy crawled to my doorstep, reached out his sticky little hands, and begged for milk from my breast.
When I tried to shoo him away, he burst out in his sharp, babyish voice, “You’re my mother; you can’t just get rid of me like this!”
“Little beggar!” I pushed his naked, tiny body with my foot. “I don’t have a son! So get lost, right now!”
He burst out crying. “Mama, Mama! Please don’t abandon me! Even though you tried to get rid of me, I managed to make my way out to this world. Aren’t you now happy to see me alive and well? You wouldn’t kick me away if you knew how much I suffered just to get a chance to see you!”
I spat on his face and cursed. “I don’t have a beggar son like you! If you don’t leave, I’ll use a broom to sweep you out of my door!”
Suddenly he stood up, opened his tiny mouth, and began to sing “Looking for You” with a could-not-be-comforted, heartbreaking expression. Listening, I realized not only was he singing
my
song, but his voice was Jinying’s, albeit a babyish version!
my
song, but his voice was Jinying’s, albeit a babyish version!
As I finally realized he was really my baby boy, tears streamed down my cheeks as I asked tenderly, “Oh, how in heaven did you find me, son?”
He spoke again in his baby voice. “You were going to abort me, so I went down to bargain with the King of Hell. Seeing that it was not my fault that I was conceived, he took pity on me. That was why he decided not to keep me in hell and sent me back up here to live.”
He pointed to his right foot, which had only four toes instead of five. “Mama, this is what the abortion medicine you took did to my foot.”
I felt tears burning down my cheeks. I pulled him to me and kissed him tenderly all over his face. “Son, I’m so sorry, so sorry... .”
With his chubby, tiny hand, he wiped the tears from my face. “Mama, you remember Auntie Shadow?”
I nodded, my whole body trembling. “Yes, what about her?”
“When I met with the King of Hell, he told me that because something you did to her and yourself, I was born with this deformed pinky.” He lifted his right hand and showed me his pinky, which was too short. “Now I will never grow up to be a pianist like my father.”
I didn’t reply, couldn’t. I just held him tightly so his warmth would keep my chilled body from trembling and my soul from plunging to freezing hell.
Finally, he detached himself from my grasp. “Mama, the King of Hell also told me that this is called karma.” He stared at me curiously with his large, innocent, beautiful, long-lashed eyes. “Do you understand what that means?”
Tears kept cascading down my cheeks. “Son, I’m sorry ... so sorry... .”
My baby said, kissing my cheek, “Mama, don’t be sad.”
This time it was I who could not be comforted.
“Mama, it’s time for me to go.”
“No, please stay with your mama. I beg you, son.”
“No, I have to go now. But I will be back soon.”
“Son, where are you going?”
“Back to your womb so I can be born into this world, this time with my all my fingers and toes so I can play the piano like my father and walk on tightrope like Auntie Shadow.”
“Who’s your father?”
“You know who. It’s the one whose heart was broken by your callous one, remember?”
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