Skeletons (32 page)

Jen sat down, overwhelmed and exhausted by the emotions of the day. This could be it, everything she’d been hoping for. The Mastersons, it seemed, were offering to welcome her back with open arms. Slates wiped clean all round. She suddenly
felt as if she was suffocating.

‘Poppy, I’m knackered, actually, it’s been a long day.’

‘Of course. Call me tomorrow. I want to tell you all about Ben. I’m still seeing him, can you believe that?’

‘Great,’ Jen said weakly.

‘We’re even thinking –’

‘Bye,’ Jen cut her off. ‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’

She turned her phone off, wished she could pour herself a large glass of wine. Sat there not moving for the best part of an hour.

She slept only a little that night. Too many conflicting thoughts were fighting for space in her head. Could everything really go back to the way it was? Were the Mastersons prepared to welcome her back into the family, as if nothing had ever
happened? On the one hand, it almost felt too good to be true. On the other, it made her uneasy. The Masterson tidal system gone mad. You were out, then you were in. Just like that. There were no half measures.

You were a member of their little army, or you were the enemy.

She drifted off briefly and dreamed that she was in the Twickenham house. It was lunchtime and everyone was there. Nothing really happened. It was more a dream about atmospheres than events. She woke up feeling as if she was in a cocoon. Safe,
warm, loved. Accepted.

At about six thirty she gave up attempting to go back to sleep, went downstairs and made herself some breakfast which she promptly threw up again, and then lay in the bath staring at a damp patch on the wall until the water went cold.

She knew Elaine would be up and about already. All dressed up with nowhere to go. She had always been an early riser. Jen hadn’t told her the news yet. Had been intending to go down over the weekend and deliver it in
person. But she felt that she needed some non-partisan advice. That she needed, if she was being honest, her mum.

‘You’re up early. Are you on your way to work?’ Elaine said when she answered the phone.

‘No. I’m off today.’ Jen tried to make her voice sound as upbeat and happy as she could. Tried not to blurt out her news without any preamble. ‘How’s things with you?’

‘Good,’ Elaine said. ‘I’m going up to the shops in a bit. Not that I mean you’ve caught me at a bad time …’

Her mother was still a little anxious sometimes when they spoke. Still scared she might not have been completely forgiven. Jen felt waves of guilt every time she caught the nervous tone.

‘Actually, Mum, I just rang because I’ve got some news. Good news.’ She had thought long and hard before she picked up the phone about the best way to phrase it. ‘Jason and me … we’re having a baby.
I’m pregnant.’

There was a pause, an intake of breath. ‘I’m … that’s amazing. Fantastic. I don’t understand.’

‘Me neither,’ Jen said. She explained to her mother how it had happened. Told her how Jason had reacted to the news.

‘I know it’s none of my business, but does this mean you might be getting back together?’ Elaine had always loved Jason.

‘I think so. I don’t know. Honestly, Mum, it’s all a bit weird.’

She told her about Jason’s plans for their future, about Poppy’s phone call, about Charles’s history having seemingly been swept under the carpet. ‘It’s almost as if none of it ever happened.’

‘Well …’ Elaine said, thinking it over, ‘maybe they’ve worked through it, the five of them. They’ve decided what’s really important for them. Stranger things
have happened.’

‘It just feels … I don’t know. I mean, say I lost this baby –’

‘Oh, Jen love, don’t,’ Elaine butted in.

‘It’s not going to happen. Just hypothetically. Would they still want me around?’

‘You’re over-thinking things.’

‘Maybe. Jason’s coming round later, so we can talk some more.’ She sighed. ‘It would make the girls so happy.’

‘You think about yourself,’ Elaine said. ‘Make sure whatever you do, it’s what you really want.’

‘I will. Thanks, Mum.’

‘And congratulations, by the way. A baby! I can hardly believe it.’

Jason arrived on the dot of ten. Big smile on his face, flowers in one hand. Jen checked herself for a telltale stomach flip. Felt nothing.

‘The coffee machine’s on.’

‘I told Mum we’d pop over in a bit,’ he said, thrusting the bouquet in her direction.

‘What? Jason, no –’

‘She’s dying to see you.’

‘Did you tell her?’

‘Of course. If I hadn’t, Poppy would have. Did Poppy call you, by the way? She said she was going to.’

‘Um … yes … Listen, I wish you hadn’t mentioned it to them yet. I feel like we need to get things straight
between ourselves, before we start saying anything to anyone
else.’

‘We’re going to be fine. And how could I not tell Mum? She’s going to be a granny again, she’s got a right to know.’

‘No one else. Not yet. Not the girls.’

‘Give me some credit.’

‘I don’t know … it’s a lot to take on board.’

‘Dad’s not going to be there. He’s off playing golf. I know you might not want to see him yet.’

‘Just Amelia?’

‘Just Mum.’

Jen thought about the house in Twickenham. It was more than three months since she’d set foot inside it, but she could still smell the distinctive aroma, could have led a guided tour, blindfold, of all the family memorabilia that cluttered
every surface. The pull was magnetic.

‘It can’t hurt, I suppose. Since she knows, anyway. I’d like to see her. If you think that’s what she wants.’

‘She’s desperate to see you.’

‘OK. But we still need to talk. Properly.’

‘Of course. There’s plenty of time for that. I told her we’d be there about half ten, though.’

It started to rain as they drove towards Twickenham. Just drizzle, at first, and then big, heavy drops that hit the windscreen and seemed to bounce off still intact. The car didn’t feel like the right place to have a heart to heart, so Jen
let Jason fill her in on more of the family’s news since she had seen them last. Charles, it seemed, had more or less given up doing any work for Masterson Property and was spending more time at home.

‘Do you think Amelia had any idea?’ Jen said, remembering her mother-in-law’s comment on the night it all came out.

‘Of course not,’ he said, his face clouding over. ‘How could they have been so happy, if she had?’

‘How could they have been as happy as we all thought, if Charles was having a secret relationship?’ Jen said.

She felt Jason bristle. ‘Dad made a stupid mistake. He regretted it immediately, but it was already too late because the woman was pregnant, the damage was done. That doesn’t mean he didn’t love Mum, or their marriage
wasn’t genuine.’

Jen knew she should keep quiet, but she couldn’t help herself. ‘He didn’t break it off, though, did he? He was with Cass’s mum for sixteen years –’

Jason cut her off sharply. ‘There’s no point going over and over it,’ he said.

Jen thought, We haven’t really ever gone over it once properly, but she kept her mouth shut.

‘Everything’s back to normal, that’s all that matters.’

Jen said nothing, stared out of the window at the dark grey sky.

She had expected a hint of coldness. Some resistance, at least. Had almost wanted it. A chance to clear the air. But the thing with Amelia was that she would never fight back. It had always been that way. However she might be feeling underneath,
her default setting was to pretend that everything was fine with her world. Like mother, like son.

‘Jen,’ she said, smiling as she opened the door. ‘It’s so wonderful to see you.’

She pulled Jen into a hug, and Jen felt herself respond. It was irresistible.

‘How have you been? Tell me everything you’ve been up to,’ Amelia said cheerfully, as if Jen was a teenager returned from a gap year rather than the family outcast who had suddenly been offered her old job back.

‘Oh … you know …’

She followed Jason and his mother into the kitchen. Nothing had changed; the Masterson museum was still intact.

‘So,’ Amelia said, filling the kettle with water. ‘Did you hear that Poppy has a new boyfriend? Ben. She brought him to lunch last Sunday, and he seems like a lovely man.’

An image popped into Jen’s head. Her running up to a strange man, begging him to save himself before it was too late.

(‘Back away from the front door!’)

‘Yes. I heard.’

‘Clearly dotes on her so, of course, that means I’m predisposed to like him.’

(‘Run, run for the hills, before they suck you in.’)

‘I’m glad.’

Amelia put a mug of coffee down in front of her. ‘Oh, wait, I have a new photo of Violet to show you.’ She rifled through a pile of papers on the kitchen table and found what she was looking for. ‘Look at that face! Isn’t
she a beauty?’

Jen looked at the picture. There was no denying that Violet was cute. She already had Poppy’s eyes. Jessie’s nose. ‘Adorable.’

‘Well, you’ll see them next weekend, they’re coming for Sunday lunch.’

Jen felt her heart sink. Almost heard it crash to the floor with a sickening thud. She looked over at Jason, who was smiling at her encouragingly.

‘I promised my mum I’d go down there, actually.’

She waited for the world to end.

Amelia smiled. ‘Well, maybe the weekend after.’ She turned to Jason. ‘I can’t believe your father is playing golf in this weather. I told him it might rain.’

‘I’ll phone him,’ Jason said. ‘He might want me to go and pick him up.’

‘Jason dropped him off at the club before he picked you up,’ Amelia said. ‘His car’s in the garage.’

Jen couldn’t even think about the idea that Charles might want to come home before she had left.

‘I … um … I promised Judy from work I’d pop over
to hers this afternoon,’ she lied, slightly desperately. ‘I probably shouldn’t stay too
long.’

‘Just let me sort this out,’ Jason said cheerfully.

Jen looked at him pleadingly. Willed him not to leave the room. Alone with Amelia, she had no idea what to say.

‘So,’ Amelia sat down opposite her. ‘How are things at the hotel? Are they still working you into the ground?’

Jen inhaled deeply. Smiled at her mother-in-law. She knew that Amelia was doing her best to make her feel welcome.

‘Amelia, please. Shout at me. Tell me I ruined your life. Anything. Let’s just talk about it.’

‘I don’t think that’s necessary. We’ve all moved on.’

Jen was determined not to give up. ‘There are things I still don’t understand. When I … when it all came out, what did you mean when you said you’d always known?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Please. I’m really trying to comprehend what happened.’

Amelia exhaled, looked towards the door to check Jason wasn’t within earshot. Jen could hear him talking on the phone, presumably to his father.

‘When Charles started seeing … that woman … I found out, I can’t even remember how. She lived near us, went to the same church, if you can believe that. I thought it would just peter out.’

‘You didn’t confront him?’

‘And drive him away? I had three children. And I loved him. Things were different then. And then, of course, I
saw that she was pregnant and I knew he’d be linked to her for ever, one way or
another.’

‘Weren’t you afraid he’d leave?’

‘Of course. But I knew he loved the children. And me, actually. I knew he’d never intended for her to replace us. And his television career started to take off. I thought, if I never made it an issue, there would be no reason for him
to go. He needed to be seen as having a stable marriage. And I knew that if he thought I had been protected from the truth, he would want to keep it that way. Rather than have the whole thing blow up. Rather than see how hurt I was.’

‘But … how could you live with that?’

‘It was my choice. We were very happy, actually. I don’t expect you, or anyone else, to understand.’

‘So, all this time … you knew Jason, Poppy and Jessie had a sister?’

‘Family isn’t just about blood, Jen. It’s about much more than that.’

Jen stirred her spoon round and round in her coffee. ‘It turns out my father didn’t abandon me. He tried to stay involved, sent me presents, tried to see me. My mother wouldn’t let him.’

‘I’m sorry. She must have had her reasons.’

Jen sighed. ‘I wish things had turned out differently.’

‘Well, sadly, things rarely turn out as we would want them to.’

‘I’m sorry, Amelia. I genuinely mean that. I wish I could turn the clock back.’

‘The others don’t know what I just told you, by the way …’ Amelia said.

Jen could hear Jason saying goodbye, heading up the corridor.

‘… and I don’t want them to. Everything’s back to how it should be now. I don’t want any more upsets.’

‘He’s going to wait it out.’ Jason appeared in the doorway. ‘The forecast says that it’s meant to stop, apparently. He sent you his love, by the way.’

‘Great,’ Jen said weakly.

‘Says he’s looking forward to seeing you. Maybe we should tell Elaine we’ll go the weekend after. You’ve probably seen a lot of her lately, right?’

Jen felt the walls closing in, the ceiling bearing down, the floor rising up. She needed to get out of there.

‘I can’t do this,’ she said, once they were in the car and on the way back to Wimbledon.

Jason turned to look at her. ‘This?’

‘Us. I can’t just slip back into our old life, as if nothing’s changed.’

‘You’re kidding me, right? The whole family’s willing to accept you back, and that’s not what you want?’

‘That’s just it. It’s not that you’ve realized you can’t live without me, or you love me so much that you want to give us another try. It’s like the whole family sat down and had a board meeting and passed a
motion that I was to be reinstated.’

‘Don’t be so ridiculous. We’re having a baby. Of course that changes everything. There’s no point holding on to petty grudges – this is much more important.’

‘And if I wasn’t pregnant, do you think any of them would want to have anything to do with me?’

‘You are, so there’s no point even asking the question.’

‘It’s all a lie, this big happy family thing. Can’t you see that? It’s all based on quicksand.’

Jason did a double take. Jen had to stop herself from asking him to keep his eyes on the road. She reminded herself they needed to have this conversation. It didn’t matter how hard it was.

‘How can you say that?’

‘Do you know that your mum knew all along? That it wasn’t just your dad who was deceiving you all, she was too. For the right reasons, don’t get me wrong. To protect you all. To protect herself, really. But that doesn’t
change the fact that none of it was real.’

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘She asked me not to tell you. And I probably shouldn’t have. But don’t you see? That’s half the problem. Everyone’s pretending everything’s fine. No one’s facing anything head on.’

Jason, she noticed, was pulling over. She was glad – a moving car didn’t seem like the most sensible place to have this conversation.

‘How dare you criticize us. After everything that’s happened.’

‘And there,’ Jen said, ‘we have it, in a nutshell. You will always be “us”. You’ll never just be “you”. I’m either married to you all, or none of you. I either buy into the whole myth, or I
stay on the outside.’

‘It always suited you before,’ Jason practically spat. ‘You could hardly wait to ditch you own family and join mine.’

‘I’m getting out, Jason. I can get a bus home. I’d like you still to be a father to the baby. I’d like it to know its
grandparents and aunts, but that’s all. We can’t
get back together. I can’t … I just can’t do it …’

She opened the door before he could protest. As she walked up the road to the bus stop, hood up against the rain, she felt a weight lift off her shoulders.