Slim Chance (19 page)

“Where were you staying?”

“The Taj Mahal.”

“Okay. Go on.”

“So, yeah, the flowers. They were everywhere. Tons of them. I didn’t really think anything of it, I guess, because he does that sort of thing all the time. Then he drew me a bath. There was a bucket of champagne waiting on ice…”

“God, are you serious?” It sounded pretty cheesy to me.

“Uh-huh. I got into the tub. He joined me. I thought we were just going to fool around, but then he pulled a little plastic box out from under the bubbles.”

Despite my misery, I couldn’t help but laugh. “Plastic? He thought of everything.”

“He must have hidden it between his cheeks because I totally didn’t notice it. Anyway, there it was. He said something like, ‘I adore you, blah blah blah, you mean the world to me, blah blah blah,’ I don’t really remember exactly what, and then I opened the box and said yes! Simple as that—it didn’t hurt at all!”

“Wow.”

“He’s a true romantic,” she sighed.

“Okay, now you’re freaking me out.”

“I am?”

“Come on, Morgan! Don’t pretend this isn’t weird. I feel like I’m in an episode of
The Twilight Zone.
I don’t mean to be blunt, but…what the hell happened? I mean, last month you barely wanted to commit to
breakfast
with the guy, let alone the rest of your life.”

“That’s a very valid point,” she laughed. “But a lot can change in a month.”

“Tell me about it,” I mumbled.

She looked at me with the saddest eyes. “Well, I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I have you to thank, actually. Talking to you about the possibility of you sleeping with Jade got me thinking that marriage might not be a bad thing, provided you go into it with the right attitude. I’ve been thinking about it a lot…. Look at Peter, for example. He’s got a great wife he loves and this whole family life thing going on, and then he’s got me on the side for a little excitement and good sex. It works great for him. And with you…well, not anymore, maybe, but before it was like, Bruce and you were perfect for each other, but you could also have this little fling just for yourself, and otherwise share your life with a wonderful person who adores you and cares about you.”

It was a bit much to hear, and I gulped back some more tears.

“Sorry,” she said. “But that’s where I’m at right now. I was giving you all this advice that I should really have been taking
myself. So I did. You think I want to go from one noncommittal relationship to the next for the rest of my life? I want to be more than just the Other Woman.
I
want to be the one who has it all.
I
want to be the one with somebody on the side.”

I was starting to get annoyed. “But you do have somebody on the side,” I reminded her.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t really count unless you’re the one who’s married. That’s when you make a real commitment, so breaking it becomes all the more exciting. Before this, I was just Billy’s sometimes girlfriend and your average homewrecker…well, above-average, actually. But I want more. I want more than just a life as a tramp or a boring old housewife. So I’m creating another option for myself.”

“That’s pretty dark, Morgan. Getting married because it makes the cheating better probably isn’t the best idea. In fact, you’re making me sick just saying something like that.” Here I was, my heart and my life ripped in two because I had done exactly that, and she was actually going to seek it out. Morgan thought it was just about getting a thrill here and there, to keep things interesting, but she didn’t realize how serious it was. I don’t even think I did until that very moment. How could I have expected anything good to come out of something that would hurt Bruce?

“Don’t judge me just yet, Evie. That’s not the only reason. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was running out of excuses not to fall in love with Billy. And then as soon as I allowed myself to feel something for him, it happened really fast. He’s sexy, smart. And he makes a shitload of money.”

“And he worships you.”

“We had a talk about that. He agreed to take it down a notch. He knows I find it unattractive.”

“What about kids?”

“Oh, we’d make beautiful kids.”

“I know, but have you told him you don’t want any?”

“Yup, and he agreed.”

“And how did he find out about your little change of heart?”

“I told him. I guess he bought the ring the next day.”

“Before you could change your mind, probably.”

“Exactly,” she laughed.

There was no point in trying to get her to see things differently. I think it was Oprah or Ghandi or someone like that who said that it’s the way we deal with our mistakes, not our successes, which define us as human beings. Like me, Morgan had a long road ahead of her.

“Okay, then, I approve,” I told her. “It sounds like you’ve thought of everything.”

“If not, there’s always divorce,” she grinned. “And I think Billy would make a fabulous first husband.”

I laughed and hugged her. “You go on toying with people’s lives, sweetie. It’s what you do best,” I said, getting up. “I think I’m going to crash. I’m completely exhausted. Tell Billy I said good-night, okay?”

“Okay,” she said. “I’m so sorry, Evie. About what happened.”

“I know. Thanks.”

I stayed in bed for precisely four days, venturing out only at lunch and dinner to answer the door for the delivery guys. Bruce must have known where I was, but he didn’t call once. And I was far too afraid to call him. Same thing went for Mom. I checked our messages at home every morning, but nothing—although you’d think she would have called me once over the course of a week, just to say hi, but she didn’t. Unless Bruce had answered, and told her I was out or something. But I was almost sure he wouldn’t be answering the phone at all. He was probably too depressed to speak to anyone.

On the fifth day, Morgan threatened to kick me out if I didn’t do something productive with my time. Since I couldn’t bear the thought of looking for a job yet, I decided to just sit in Central Park for a few days and think about my miserable life. I must have eaten at fifteen different hot-dog carts. I didn’t care if I got fat. What did it matter? There was no dress to fit into, no trainer
to impress. Once, I thought I saw Bruce, which wouldn’t have been so weird because his school was only a few blocks away, so I followed him all the way to the zoo. But it turned out to be someone else.

I’d been living out of the same bag for two weeks because I was afraid to go home in case Bruce was there. Seeing him was out of the question. Not until I was ready. Or until he asked. In any case, it was pretty clear there would be no quick reconciliation, so I was forced to give up on that fantasy. I assumed people were starting to notice that they hadn’t received our invitations yet, although I didn’t get a single call from anyone asking why. Not Kimby, not Annie, not even Nicole, who’d probably be delighted to hear that she wouldn’t have to be a fat, ugly bridesmaid after all.

When I finally got a message, it was from Jade. Hearing his voice practically gave me a heart attack.

“Uh, hi. This is Jade. Evie’s…trainer. I, uh, wanted to know if you’re going to come back to the club. Your membership fees are, uh, due, because that last post-dated check was returned NSF. So call me…or whoever. ’Bye.”

I erased it immediately, thankful that Bruce hadn’t heard it yet.

So Jade actually caved in and called me first. That felt pretty good. I wasn’t sure if he would, although he must have been wondering what the hell had happened to me. But with everything else going on, I hadn’t bothered dealing with him. I just couldn’t. Now that he was obviously interested in what was up with me—assuming that whole check thing was a cover-up to make sure Bruce didn’t get suspicious—I figured I’d better call him and get it over with.

I phoned the gym and they paged him. After what felt like an hour, he finally picked up.

“Hello.”

“Jade?” The pastrami sandwich and fries I had for lunch rumbled disagreeably. “It’s Evie.”

“Evie,”
he whispered. “What’s going on? Where have you been?”

He cared. He really did. I don’t know what I expected. I guess in all the craziness I forgot that we really shared something special, no matter how wrong it was or how much I regretted it now. Still, his concern made me a little uneasy. And so did the fact that I liked that he still cared. I didn’t think I would, since the mere thought of Jade had made me sick to my stomach three times in the last two weeks.

“There’s been so much going on, I just didn’t know…”

“What are you talking about?”

Although I’d decided not to tell him what had happened, and just give him some line about how it would be better if we didn’t see each other anymore, I decided to fill him in.

“Bruce knows.”

“About what?”

“About you and me.”

“Oh. Shit. How?”

“It’s not important. Suffice it to say that he’s very clever and has a way of finding things out.”

“Well, does he want to kick my ass or something? ’Cause I don’t want to have anything to do with—”

“No, no. He doesn’t even know your name.”

“Good.”

“But he called off the wedding.”

“Yikes. You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, being brave and tough. “It’s for the best.” My mental state was definitely none of his business anymore.

“So what are you going to do?” he asked.

“I’m not sure. Maybe travel for a while.” I don’t know where I got this stuff.

“What about your job?”

“Oh. I quit.”

“Nice! That’s good news, at least.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” I said. Why was I bothering to lie to him? I should have just hung up. To hell with him.

“So where are you going to go?” he asked

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you head out to California? Visit your dad. Hey! You know what? Maybe I could come with you. We could both use a vacation.”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” The image of us frolicking naked in a suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel then sharing a romantic dinner at some trendy beachside bistro in Malibu forced its way into my head. Maybe I wasn’t as over him as I thought I was. Or maybe I was just afraid that it really was over with Bruce. And even if it was, did I actually want Jade in my life anymore?

“I miss you, you know,” he said, lowering his voice. “That night was pretty hot. I’d like it if maybe we could do it again. Imagine what an entire week in L.A. would be like…”

It was a bit much. At the very least, I knew I couldn’t trust myself to make any important decisions right now. “I’ll let you know,” I said.

“Sure,” he said. “You’ve got a lot going on right now. I understand. Take some time. But promise me you’ll give it some serious thought. You’ve got my number, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So call me.”

“All right,” I said.

“Oh…and your check really did bounce. Can you bring in another?”

“W
hy haven’t you called me, Mom? It’s been over two weeks since I spoke to you. I could be dead in the gutter for all you know.”

“Why should I be worried about you?” she asked.

That hurt. “Just because you have a boyfriend now doesn’t mean you can put everything else in your life on hold and ignore your family,” I informed her.

“I don’t care for your tone, Evelyn. If you’re accusing me of having a good time with Albert, then fine—I admit it. We’ve been enjoying each other’s company quite a bit lately, which you’d know if
you
ever called
me.
”

“Whatever.”

“And if you must know, I did call you. Last week. I spoke to Bruce. He didn’t give you the message?”

“No.” It wouldn’t have killed him to call me and tell me, although it sounded like at least he was being discreet. But at least he knew better than to broadcast our private business to anyone who called.

“Really?” she said. “I doubt that. But I accept your apology, Evelyn. You can see that I haven’t been neglecting you.”

“I didn’t apologize,” I pointed out, but she ignored me.

“Claire told me she hasn’t spoken to you in over a month. Why haven’t you called her? Forget about me, but are you so busy you can’t even make time to call your own grandmother? Really. Your selfishness amazes me, Evelyn. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe you’re my own flesh and blood.”

“But—”

“Why am I bickering with you about this? I have better things to do,” she said, and hung up.

I called her back immediately.

“Aren’t you wondering why you didn’t get your invitation yet?”

“I hadn’t noticed. But I didn’t think I needed an invitation to attend my own daughter’s wedding. Are you trying to tell me something? Is this your way of saying you don’t want Albert to come? I’m not stupid, you know. I can tell you don’t like him. You’ve made that pretty clear. What has he ever done to you? He’s been nothing but kind to you and Bruce….”

“That’s
not
why!” I yelled. “The wedding’s off!”

“What? What are you talking about? What is it now? Oh, I knew this was too good to be true.”

“He dumped me.”

“Now why would he go and do a thing like that? Evelyn, I have no time for this. We’ve all had just about enough of your dramatics, I can tell you. But this really takes the cake. There are far better ways to get attention, you know, if that’s what you’re looking for, although you certainly get enough of it already, if you ask me….”

As she droned on and on, the only way I could think of to show her I was serious was the truth. To spare her the horror of what I’d done—and since I was already bearing the burden of enough shame over this for the both of us—I’d planned to lie to her about the whole thing and say that Bruce and I just
couldn’t make it work, and that we wanted to postpone the wedding for a year, but I could see now that she’d never let it go at that.

“Mom…Mom! Listen to me for a second. I’m going to tell you why. But I don’t want you to freak out,” I said. This admission would have to be carefully framed so as not to elicit a nervous breakdown. On either of our parts.

“I’m listening Evelyn, but hurry up, because I have to pack. Albert’s taking me to the Catskills and he’s picking me up in one hour.”

“I had an affair.”

“What? What kind of affair? A party? And you didn’t invite me?”

“No, Mom. Not
that
kind of affair! The grown-up kind. I had sex with my personal trainer! Wild, passionate sex! And Bruce found out about it and he kicked me out!
That’s
why we’re not getting married.”

“AGGGGHHHHHH!”

“Listen Mom…Mom?” She was moaning. “I’m staying with Morgan now. If you need to reach me, she’s in the book. Have a good time with Albert,” I said, and hung up. That’d show her.

Telling Mom made it feel official, so I thought I’d better go home and pack a bag or two. I didn’t even have any makeup with me, for God’s sake, and only three pairs of underwear.

The Fourth of July would be a perfect time to sneak in and out with a few things, since I assumed Bruce would be at his mother’s for her annual barbecue, an event nauseating enough on its own without the creamy coleslaw and potato salad sitting out in the sun. But when I walked though the door, there he was, sitting on the couch with a book.

“Hi,” he said, without looking up.

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t think you’d be here. I, uh, just came to get a few things. If you want, I can come back another day.” I had every right to be there, since more often than not I did pay
half the rent, but I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. And it’s not like
I
could have kicked him out. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

“It’s fine. I’ll be in the kitchen. Take your time.”

I grabbed a big suitcase from the storage room and filled it up quickly. Being there made my heart ache, and seeing Bruce again made me want to cry. His face was so familiar, yet I had the sinking feeling that I hardly knew him anymore. It suddenly occurred to me that I hated not knowing what was going on with him, how he was feeling or what he was thinking. And it had been that way for more than just the past two weeks. I hadn’t been there for him in months, maybe even years.

As I stuffed lipsticks into my makeup bag, I thought about what it was like when we first started dating, before he became just Bruce. I was so intrigued by him, this completely straight, WASPy guy from Connecticut who’d gone to all the best schools and hung out with all the right people. As I got to know him, I realized how quirky he was beneath the surface. But I loved how different he was from me, how he seemed to be living in his own world, and how much I wanted to be a part of it. Everything he said amazed me.
When had I stopped listening?

“I’m leaving,” I called out.

“Wait,” he said, coming to the door. “Here’s your mail.” He handed me a stack of envelopes.

I looked through them quickly. Except for one with a return address from Kendra White (hopefully my last paycheck), they were all from credit card companies and collection agencies.

“They’ve been calling, too,” Bruce said. “What should I tell them?”

“Tell them the truth—that I’ve moved out, and you don’t know where I am.”

“I know where you are, Evie,” he said. “You’re at Morgan’s.”

“How do you know?”

“Where else would you go?” he asked, then clearly regret
ted it. The look on his face told me he’d never considered the other possibility.

“I’m not with him, you know,” I said quietly, heat rising to my cheeks.

“It’s fine. You can do whatever you want now.”

“No I can’t,” I said, because I didn’t want that to be true. Not because I was afraid to be alone, but because I wanted to be with Bruce. At that moment, I knew I wanted him back more than anything,
anything,
I’d ever wanted before. And I knew that I had messed it all up.
Me.

“Yes, you can.”

“But I don’t want things to change,” I said, dropping the bag and sliding down the wall onto the floor. Maybe he was feeling it, too, that this was all just a big mistake that we could somehow work through like everything else. But would he ever be able to forgive me? I had to find out. “I want to come back home,” I told him.

“Well you can’t.”

His words cut through me like a blade, and I covered my face with my hands. “But why?” I whispered, not wanting to hear the answer.

“Because…because I don’t know who you are,” he said, fiddling with the lock on the door.

“Oh. Okay.” I was numb.

“Yeah, well…”

“I guess I’ll go.”

“Maybe you’d better.”

I picked myself up off the floor and stepped outside. “Are you okay?” I asked. It was sweltering-hot, and it didn’t feel right just leaving him there all alone.

“Yes,” he said, and shut the door behind me.

Morgan came home late that night to find me in bed with a pint of cherry-vanilla Häagen-Dazs and an empty pizza box.

“He’s never going to take me back,” I wept.

“I didn’t know you wanted him back,” she said. “Pass me that spoon.”

“Of course I did. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. Maybe you’re the best thing that ever happened to him. Did you ever think of that? If Bruce can’t see that, then maybe you’re better off without him.”

She was only trying to make me feel better, but what I really needed was for someone to tell it to me straight. I’d been deluding myself for long enough, and I wanted to hear the truth for a change. “I don’t think so, Morgan. I’m the one who fucked this up.”

She shrugged and took a bite of ice cream.

“Maybe I should start getting my life back on track,” I continued, although I had no idea where to start. Just because I knew the right thing didn’t mean I could do it.

“Amen to that,” she said, slapping my thigh. It jiggled ominously.

Even if her advice wasn’t always the most constructive, Morgan had been a truly good friend, providing unconditional support at all hours of the day and night. Billy also loaned a sympathetic ear from time to time, and he always invited me to join them for dinner. Mostly, though, I just ate by myself, although I did appreciate the offers. I thought about what a shame it was that Bruce and I never really hung out with them. After getting to know Billy a little better, I’m sure that Bruce would actually have liked him quite a bit. But the idea of the four of us hanging out made me feel lonelier than ever.

“Where should I start?” I asked her. “How can I put my life back together?”

“You could try going out on a date,” she suggested.

“I was thinking something more along the lines of a pottery class,” I informed her. “I’m definitely not ready to date someone new. Unless…”

“Oh no. Don’t even think it.”

“Maybe You-Know-Who would be the best thing for me right now,” I said, although I knew better. “I could use the distraction. And he makes me completely hate myself, which I deserve, so it would be a great way to make myself even more miserable for a while.”

Morgan shook her head. “Oh, no you don’t. You
cannot
have a relationship with that man. Punishing yourself is not the answer. He is
not
relationship material. Trust me.”

“How would you know?” I was just curious.

“Evie, he’s just not. I could see it in his eyes. And you can’t turn a fling into a real thing. From the looks of you these days, I’d say you’re barely even ready for a rebound guy. So just forget it.”

“I guess. But the sex…”

“Don’t make me laugh. That was definitely a one-shot deal. Nothing good can come out of it anymore, considering the baggage attached to that guy now. And do you really think dragging things out with Jade will make losing Bruce worth it? Believe me. It won’t.”

“I know that, Morgan. I’m not really considering it. I was just thinking out loud. But we did have real chemistry, you know. You of all people should be able to understand at least—”

“Chemistry is what happens in a lab,” she quipped. “In the real world, you make your own sparks.”

“But it was so thrilling. Different than being with Bruce.”

“You know, you say that all the time, but I think you might be overlooking what was in your own backyard,” she said sternly. “I can tell you right now that Bruce is fantastic in bed. And I usually have a pretty good instinct for these things.”

A surge of jealousy swelled up into my throat. I sensed that Bruce was always sort of afraid of Morgan. He called her the Maneater, but he probably just wanted her to take a bite out of him. It had never occurred to me until now that it might have gone both ways.

“Bruce
is
good in bed,” I said defensively. “And so am I. But maybe we’re just not that great
together,
” I explained.

She shook her head. “Of course the sex is going to suffer if you have all these crazy issues hanging over your head. That’s probably what happened with Bruce—you let it slide. You have to work on it, you know. And what you had with Jade, by the way, was just circumstance. Like me and Peter. You think we’d still be hot for each other if it wasn’t so completely wrong for both of us? No way.” Maybe she was right. If there was one thing the girl knew about, it was sex.

“Are you saying that me and You-Know-Who could just have casual sex as long as there was no relationship to get in the way, and it would still be good?”

“No. Look at you—you can’t even say his name! You’re way too involved. Besides, you’ve never done that sort of thing before, and while I condone the practice wholeheartedly, you’re just not ready for the forced emotional distance it requires.”

“I have so done it before. Remember Pierre?”

She rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t count if he’s a foreign exchange student who was only here for three months. And he was your first, for God’s sake. Evie, you’re twenty-seven years old and you’ve only been with three guys, including Jade, and you were with Bruce for like seven years. You’re definitely lacking in experience.”

“Some people would say three guys is a lot, you know.”

“Who? Your mother? Just please trust me. You don’t want to be starting anything with this guy.”

I knew there was no potential for anything serious between me and Jade. Even if there had been, I certainly wouldn’t have wanted any part of it. Not now, anyway. The more I thought about it, the less I believed our little tryst was about the sex or the circumstances or the excitement, and the more I saw it for what it was—a way for me to completely ruin my life while taking as little responsibility for it as possible. Kind of like a self-imposed nervous breakdown. Things had been out of control for too long, at work, with Bruce, with Mom. Sleeping with Jade made that all go away. And getting caught just sealed the
deal. There was nothing to go back to after that. And miserable though it might be, at least my life was my own again.

But I still felt like I had to come clean with Jade for some reason, just to get some closure on that part of my life. Maybe I wanted him to know that I’d been the one using him, and not the other way around, the way Morgan obviously saw it. But Jade had been nothing but a perfect gentleman with me from day one, and as my friend he deserved the truth. No more lies. No more dishonesty. I was turning over a new leaf and putting it all behind me.