Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (2 page)

But, as life would have it, that’s exactly what happened. What I discovered in that class was that sexuality is not just a fringe activity, an exceptionally fun hobby. Instead I saw it for what it really is: a source of power, a well from which I could draw the energy I needed to discover who I was and how I wanted to live my life. And how I wanted to live my life was to enjoy it, for heaven’s sake. To feel full and energized so I could live every moment of it to its absolute fullest potential. Sex turned out to be the entry point to the deep, nourishing joy that every part of me was crying out for, as well as the fuel that would get me there. Once I tasted this heirloom variety of sexuality, there was nothing else I wanted to cultivate in my life.

Everything you were hoping was possible in sex is possible. Sex can be so much more than we have come to believe. It can be a gateway to more connection, more
vitality, and more sensation in all areas of our lives. All we have to do is explore it with the mind of a beginner. To leave behind the menu that’s been handed down to us, with all of its rules and expectations, and feel our way. Offering you the sexuality practices in this book is my version of handing you the tomato. I will show you how to take that first bite, how to really taste it. The rest will take care of itself.

Why You Picked Up This Book

I always start my Slow Sex workshops by asking the students what brings them to be sitting in front of me, here in a sex class. Once they get past the embarrassment of being reminded that they are in fact sitting in front of me, in a sex class, their responses fall into one of four categories.

1. They’ve heard about Slow Sex, and they’re just plain curious. Can any woman really have an orgasm, every time? Could all the hype be true?
   

2. As a man, they want a foolproof technique for pleasing any woman, anytime.
   

3. As a woman, they want to actually experience the pleasure they know they’re supposed to be getting from sex, but can’t seem to access.
   

4. They just want more from their sex lives than they are currently getting, and they have an intuition that Slow Sex may help.
   

The first group never leaves the workshop disappointed. Sex is maybe the most interesting subject on the planet,
and we’re about to talk about it—a lot. We’re going to roll up our sleeves and really get into it ourselves, in a way few workshops dare.

Yes, I mean that pants will be coming off.

And that every woman in class is going to be revealed as mind-blowingly orgasmic.

In other words, the curious are going to get what they came for.

Now, don’t get me wrong: the others are curious, too, but they tend to be on a more specific mission. The men desperately (more desperately than their partners can possibly imagine) want to be better at pleasing their women. On the surface level, they know that the more she’s getting out of sex, the more often they’ll have it. The deeper desire they have—which many of them aren’t even aware of—is the desire to have sex with a woman who is truly turned on. They know that the more turned on their partner is, the better their own experience will be.

For their part, the women I see want to know how to receive the pleasure their men so desperately want to give them. They, too, want to be turned on beyond their wildest imagination—but they haven’t been able to figure out how. Often the harder he tries, the less into it she is. Some women think it’s that their partner is not sexy or talented enough; some fear that they, themselves, are blocked or frozen in some way. Regardless of the reason, these women are here because they’re hoping Slow Sex will show them how to be the fully orgasmic beings they know—or at least hope—they really are.

And the last group—everybody who didn’t fit into the first three—can be summarized in one sentence: they just want
more
. More sex, more sensation, more pleasure, more
connection—more, pure and simple. It takes courage to admit you want more from your sex life. It can be taboo and embarrassing to say that we’re not 100 percent satisfied with what we already have. If you don’t believe me, try being a sex teacher for a day. It turns out to be a great conversation stopper at dinner parties. People who individually might voice their curiosity clam up pretty quick when they’re in a group. Everyone at the table will nod politely as if saying, “That’s nice for you, but me? I don’t need it. Perrrrfectly happy over here, yep.”

Afterward, of course, half the table will try to catch me on my way to the bathroom to talk my ear off about their sex lives. How they’ve never had an orgasm, how they want sex more or less frequently than their partner does, how they have no idea how a woman’s apparatus is put together, or how they have no interest in sex at all anymore and want to know if I have any hope to offer.

These are all variations on the same themes I hear from my students, many of whom are on the verge of giving up on finding satisfying sex and deep intimacy by the time they find me. They’ve gone looking for answers before. Big promises, free giveaways, infomercials—nothing has hit the chord they’re looking for. When I hear how hard they’ve been working—how much effort they’ve put into the battle to win over their own sexuality—it’s hard to believe they didn’t raise the white flag a long time ago.

And yet, they still come. They come for the same reason I walked into my first sexuality class. They have an intuition that there’s something they need to address, something vital, something that has to do with life and happiness and satisfaction, something that can be found only if they are willing to slow down and really feel their
sexuality. If they’re willing to learn something new, take a new approach to sex. The men are not satisfied with the cultural myth that women will never enjoy sex as much as they do. The women are not willing to give in to the idea that sexual desire inevitably wanes with age and familiarity, and that they should just get used to the idea that sex with their partner will become less satisfying over time. If that’s the case, they tell me, they want off this bus. They’re not going to settle for less than deep connection and saturation, and they’ll keep looking until they find the answer.

The answer that gives men a foolproof way to pleasure their woman every time. That translates “womanspeak” so they can understand it. That releases them from performance anxiety. That gives them permission to relax and enjoy sex, knowing they are getting it right.

The answer that shows women how to sink down and truly
feel
during sex, to bring the locus of their sexuality back into their own bodies where they can use it to get more turned on than they ever thought possible. That shows them how to use turn-on as an energy source rather than a drain. The answer that shows them how to let go of the expectation that their orgasm should look and sound like this or that. That truly gives them permission to enjoy the journey, rather than pushing them ever sooner to the finale.

The answer everyone is looking for is Slow Sex. Like the Slow Food movement, which turned the emphasis from fast-food convenience and cost-efficiency toward sustainable practices and eating for enjoyment, Slow Sex is a way to approach sex that emphasizes sustainability, connection, and nourishment. It deepens your relationship to your partner and your own body, so you can experience
orgasm from the inside out. Like Slow Food, Slow Sex is a philosophy—a philosophy of stripping sex down to its most basic state, learning to feel it deeply in the body, and communicating our desires. But in the same way that you can’t really understand Slow Food until you take the first bite, Slow Sex cannot be understood unless it is experienced. We primarily experience Slow Sex through the practice of Orgasmic Meditation—OM or OMing (pronounced “om-ing”) for short. OMing itself is not sex—it’s a simple, meditative practice where the man strokes the woman’s genitals for fifteen minutes. But the skills we develop while OMing are nothing short of revolutionary when applied to traditional sex. So while the primary focus of this book, and Slow Sex in general, is the practice of OM, that’s only the first step. The real experience of Slow Sex happens when you extend the philosophy—stripping down, feeling your sensations, and asking for what you want—into the realm of “regular” sex. So, later in the book, I will offer practices in how to apply these three principles of Slow Sex to intercourse, oral sex, and more.

In Orgasmic Meditation we learn to shift our focus from thinking to feeling, from a goal orientation to an experience orientation. This shift turns all our expectations about sex on their head, exchanging “faster” and “harder” for “slower” and “more connected.” There is no longer any planned outcome to sex, no goal—not even climax—that is expected. Instead, Slow Sex teaches us how to feel and enjoy the orgasm we are having right now: to savor every stroke and every sensation along the way. As many students and Slow Sex coaching clients have already discovered, the results of this practice are much greater than the sum of their parts. Here’s some of what you can expect:

“I feel so much more confident knowing that I am giving my wife pleasure every time. OM is like the secret ingredient. The kind of sex we’re having is the kind I had always been looking for.”

—Craig, 43

“I don’t think I ever really felt sex before I started OMing. Now I can feel my sexual energy all the time, even after the OM is over.”

—Jen, 31

“Whereas before I only really felt aroused in my genitals, now my entire body is an erogenous zone.”

—Kurt, 52

“I have learned how to really let my sexuality come out and play. It’s like I was holding back all this time and didn’t even know it. Now I have permission to let it out and enjoy sex in a whole new way.”

—Liz, 28

“Since we’ve been practicing Orgasmic Meditation, my girlfriend is so much more turned on. I can’t believe how different it is to have sex with a woman who is truly turned on.”

—Jon, 40

“I thought I wasn’t attracted to my husband anymore, but OMing has changed everything. The more we OM, the more I want to have sex.”

—Suzanne, 41

What OM teaches is actually transferable into
all
of our relationships—even into life in general. All we have to do is open our lens beyond the conventional understanding of sex and orgasm—especially when it comes to
her
experience. Though traditionally the centerpiece of sex has been
the male orgasm, Slow Sex turns our attention toward the female orgasm. And once you enter her world, nothing will ever be the same again.

Every Woman Is Orgasmic… No, Seriously

They say we all have our blind spots, but when it comes to sex, we all have the same one. Ask a hundred people what it takes for a man to have an orgasm, and hands will shoot up all over the room. Men and women both know the male equipment like the back of their hands, and for the most part, one size fits all. But ask that same group of people for the formula that will make a
woman
orgasmic, and the show of hands will be sparse at best. Everybody knows how to get him off, but she’s more… complicated. Women themselves often see their own sexuality as, if you will, a black box. Thanks to cultural conditioning that says a woman’s parts are best kept in the dark, many women have a hard time feeling connected to their genitals—and thus, their own orgasm.

Which, as it turns out, is very different from a man’s.

So when we compare her orgasm to his (which we do) and hold his orgasm as the model she should be striving for (which we do), then her orgasm can look like a problem child who sometimes refuses to come to the party. Fingers get pointed at both men and women. If he “can’t get his woman off,” then he’s not sexy enough, not “giving” enough, or worse—he’s (insert stage whisper)
not especially talented
. For the untalented man, there are bookshelves overflowing with guides promising to unlock the mysteries of her pleasure. For her part, if she can’t come every time, then she’s “frigid,” stressed out, doesn’t like sex,
and/or doesn’t know how to relax. Again, there are books, toys, sensitizing lubricants, and sexy lingerie that promise to fix this major problem that has befallen her. (Or more accurately, that she has brought onto herself by not being sexual/relaxed/comfortable enough to just come, already!) It’s because of this cultural conundrum that I headline the practice of Slow Sex with this radical statement:

I have never met a woman who is not, right now, at this moment, orgasmic.

Yes, I mean
you
.

Yes, I mean
your
wife/girlfriend/lover.

Every woman, like every person, is orgasmic at every moment. Once you understand this, you’re well on your way to understanding Slow Sex.

That said, it usually takes a little while for my students to adjust to this new world order. The puzzlement they experience stems from a misunderstanding of the word “orgasmic.” We have been defining the term “orgasm” as the traditional definition of
male
orgasm: climax. Contrary to what we learned in sex education (and as teenagers rolling around on the living room floor desperately hoping our parents didn’t walk in) climax is not synonymous with orgasm.
Orgasm is the body’s ability to receive and respond to pleasure.
Pure and simple. Climax is often a
part
of orgasm, but it is not the sum total. Make this distinction, and you change the whole game.

You discover that women are just as orgasmic as men—maybe even more so.

You discover that women want sex as much as men do—just not the sex that’s usually on the menu.

You start to realize that climax is like reading just the
last line of a book—you can do it, sure, but you’ll miss out on the whole story.