Small Changes (44 page)

“Sure I like it. But isn’t that a lot of work?” Jesus, he suspected she really might do it.

“It makes me feel better. Knitting is something I know how to do. Then at the end of the day I can see at least I got some knitting done and at the end of a couple of weeks I have something to show for it.”

He could imagine her in the four-room apartment halfway up the hill knitting away. Alone with her kids, knitting and knitting, covering the whole house in heather tweed. Knitting a big shroud for them. It was creepy. Still he kind of liked her. “Hey, you want to make some more cocoa? Without the marshmallows this time.”

After they picked up Bonnie from nursery school, he hitchhiked home. Jackson was making meat loaf with bacon laid on top and basil and onion inside, baked potatoes, good smells in the kitchen. “Jackson, old buffalo, where did you learn to cook like that, growing up in Sofa, Idaho?”

“I learned to cook from books, as anyone can who is willing—unlike yourself—to follow simple directions. A recipe is the codified knowledge of the experienced.”

“Aw, ever ready to read wisdom in a grain of processed rice.” He gave Jackson a poke in the arm.

“I learned to cook after Sissy cleaned me out. I didn’t have enough of the ready to eat out and I got tired of frozen shit. I thought I was getting ulcers, but after I started cooking for myself the pains disappeared.”

“If I talk enough, I don’t notice what I’m eating—that’s how I can stand the chow at Going-to-the-Sun. Here’s Miriam.”

Going to meet her, he followed her into her room. She was wet and cranky. “Ugh, what a day. That Fred Weathering is going to drive me out of my mind. I disagreed with him in project meeting and he told Jaime I’m a castrating bitch! Last time he had one of his dim ideas, I waited and told him afterward what I thought was wrong. He said, ‘Well, if you thought that, why didn’t you speak up when we were making the decisions?’ Hey! What the hell did you mean routing me out of bed last night? I was yawning all day long. Was that supposed to be fun?”

Aw, she was in a foul mood. He felt a little uneasy, thinking she could read his easy afternoon lying around drinking cocoa. Got to get her into a better mood. “Hey, old lady, you
know what score I finally evened up?”

She plumped down on the side of the bed, yanking off her wet boots and toweling some water from her mane. “What are you keeping score on now?”

“For you, baby. Old Ryan. Or have you forgiven all and turned the other buttock?”

“That miserable twit. I am not in a forgiving strain. Did you see him today?”

“Only by proxy. I ran into Laverne. He’s trying to get her back, he’s promising anything—”

“But he’s living with one of the secretaries—Beth told me.”

“Well, she might be living alone soon. He’s working on Laverne. Anyhow, I picked her up, went back to their cozy domestic flat, and laid her.”

She looked at him blankly. “That’s supposed to be doing me a favor?”

“You’re not jealous, baby. Tit for tat. Old Ryan’ll chew his insides out when he hears it.”

“Laverne never did anything to me. Ryan is my enemy, not her. She’s probably lonely. How could you think using her sexually would make me feel good?”

“She’s Ryan’s wife. I figured that evened the score.”

“She isn’t Ryan. She’s a person too. Oh, you make me sick!” Pushing past him, she stormed out. He followed, peeved and somehow thrust into the wrong. Still drying her hair, she dropped on a kitchen chair.

“You’re late tonight.” Jackson leaned one arm on the back of her chair. “Supper in five minutes.”

“How can you be jealous of Laverne? It was just an afternoon’s game.”

“Jealous! I’m sorry for the woman. I’m sorry for all the women you pick up and use. How am I supposed to get along with other women, how am I supposed to have friends when I never know which of them you’re going to cozy up to, fuck, and discard!”

“We’ve been together five years, and you still think I’m going to discard you?”

“No, I’m
different.
How am I supposed to explain to women who are my friends that I’m different but they’re fair game? Take a bite of the apple and throw it away.” She was really excited, waving her hands around and shouting.

Jackson made a cool face of disgust. “Nothing like a scene with supper to dull the appetite. What’s all this emoting about? O Philip, what new sin have you committed against womankind?”

“Nothing. Just nothing!” He leaned on the refrigerator, folding his arms. “She came home in a foul mood from work and she’s taking it out on us.”

Jackson leaned on the back of her chair. “How would you feel if we took out our daily sufferings on you?”

“You do, and that’s not what’s up.” She shook her head angrily. “Phil uses women and that’s all there is to it! He told me about Laverne and expects me to say, ‘Whoopie.’ ”

“Laverne Ryan?” Jackson went back to the stove, looking over his shoulder. “What about her?”

“What about her yourself. I met her on the street and spent the afternoon with her. She seemed glad for the company.”

“She still separated from Ryan?” Jackson tasted the beans judiciously, added salt. “Not a bad-looking woman. Not bad at all. So where’s the crime? You raped her on the kitchen floor?”

“I did not. I was more ravished than ravishing.”

“I’m sure we all find you ravishing.” Jackson came back to the table. “Have we a jealous female glowering on our hearth?”

“You’re both crazy. That’s not how Phil told it to me! He said he was getting revenge on Ryan by laying her.”

“I was making a joke.” Phil gave a long-suffering pout. “I can’t even joke around here any more.”

“Laverne is an attractive female. Do you feel you did harm to her person or psyche this afternoon of December 23?”

“I did not.” Phil tucked his hand in his leather vest. “I might say that the lady in question appeared pleased with my company and other services. She fed me lunch and gave me cocoa and animal crackers.”

“I would not say, then, that the scene could be interpreted as violent. Animal crackers?”

“Animal crackers and cocoa, your honor, once with marshmallows and once without.”

“I find the defendant innocent of all charges brought against him. I assess court costs on the plaintiff for causing a fuss about nothing. Unless you wish to request that the defendant encounter less attractive females in his daily walks.”

“I’m not jealous! You both twist everything! I’m sick of it!” She started out of the room. “I don’t know if I believe you now and you were lying before, or the other way around.”

Phil pulled himself off the refrigerator. “Jesus, I’m the one should be sore. Lying your ass. You’ve lost your sense of humor. You take yourself too damn seriously lately.”

“And who appointed you my judge?” She rounded on Jackson. “I’m sick of being judged by the two of you. I’m sick of this life. It’s ugly!”

“So if you can’t take it, get out of the way,” Jackson said coldly. He was angry by now, his anger transmuted into an icy rage coming down like a drill bit. “Enough scenes. Stay or go. Accept or get out. I don’t like random scenes with my supper. I don’t like women who carry on when nobody’s hurting them.”

“Accept or get out—that’s just like you. Eat shit or starve. No chance of a human compromise. No chance of you coming halfway and giving in return. Do you think I’m crazy to go on giving and giving myself down a rathole?”

Jackson and his ultimatums: he was going to push her into a corner. All a bunch of noise. “Aw, shut up, the both of you. What’s wrong tonight? Is supper ready or not?”

“There’s the damn phone. Just a minute.” Miriam ran to answer it.

“What’s the big idea giving ultimatums?” Phil said softly to Jackson. “Enough with the melodrama.”

“She’s not going to push me around. This is my house and if she doesn’t like it, she can pack and clear out.”

“Yeah, and leave us fucking our hands? Come off it, you got her really mad now.”

“No. I’m the one who’s mad. No sexual blackmail. I want her to stop throwing her weight around. I’m not going to be abused by a chick every time she feels like complaining. You attach too much importance to her threats. You encourage her. You take all that gassing for real.”

“Then what are you getting so mad about yourself?”

“Supper’s ready. Let’s eat.” Jackson put the food down and Phil joined him. “You’re the one she was digging into, anyhow.”

“I didn’t do a thing.”

“Misunderstood again.” Jackson looked at him with raised brows. “I wouldn’t mind some time in the hay with Laverne.”

“Man, she’s available. She’s the original bored and lonely housewife.”

“Didn’t she used to have some job downtown?”

“She’s got two kids.”

“Then what did you do, lock them in the closet?”

“The daughter was at nursery school and the son was napping. No sweat. She was eager for it.”

“Hmmm. Where did you run into her, exactly?”

Phil laughed. “You wouldn’t mind taking a walk there, right?”

Miriam came to the door, pushing her hair back with one hand. She looked even crankier. “Why didn’t you tell me Beth was trying to get me all day?”

“I forgot. Like you have observed, I had a busy day.”

“But why didn’t you tell her how to reach me at Logical?”

“I forgot. Like I said. Now get off my back. I got more things on my mind than little girls with big mouths.” There she was carrying on about Beth and she didn’t even know he was fired too and in trouble.

“She went back with the detective, with her husband. I know they couldn’t make her do that legally! She was conned into it.”

“Sit down and eat,” Jackson said with leaden calm. “Try chewing your food instead of us.”

“I’m going over there. Now! And I’m moving out.”

“Aw, Miriam, sit down and eat your supper and shut up. What’s all this? Just ‘cause we had a few harsh words—”

“I can’t stand it! Phil, you’re always on something now and it makes you paranoid. I can’t forgive you for hitting me, I don’t believe you won’t do it again. A scene like that last night in the middle of the night, I think you’re going crazy! And you, Jackson, you just take and take and you won’t give. I can’t stand it! Loving somebody who won’t love back, it’s a dead end, it’s a trap, it’s killing me!”

She stormed out of the room and he saw her limping down the hall halfway into her wet boots and trying to hurry. Then the outer door slammed. Jackson was being cool and trying to look bored. He could feel Jackson’s anger coming through the calm like a high-pitched whine, like steel bearing down on steel. “Some more meat loaf?” Jackson asked. “There’s plenty for us both, after all.”

THREE
Both in Turn

18

That Which God Has Joined

Because events happened fast Beth had little time to think. She fell back on passive resistance, which worked poorly with Jim and the detective actively pushing and pulling on her, threatening and causing things to move faster than she could figure out the direction. When Jim showed up at the commune, she panicked. She did not want him in her life. She had a panicked, choking fear that if the detective and Jim marched around on her life, the fragile beginnings of independence and self and relationships that she had made, there would be nothing left. She did not want them to know her life. The more they threatened, the more she wanted to conceal. In her confusion and fear she agreed to go with them—anything to get them out.

Then the detective flew to Syracuse, leaving her to drive back with Jim in his car. During that seven-hour drive she repeatedly imagined, every time she used a toilet in a service plaza, running away. Always when she emerged he was grimly standing in wait. Every time she tried to start a conversation with him he grew angry and began to drive so erratically she got scared and shut up. Turning the radio loud, he drove staring straight ahead. Dreading Syracuse, nevertheless after a few hours she could not imagine a tighter hell than being cooped up with him clenching his jaws and driving, driving while the radio sang about love and sweet dreams and easy sex. The Stones sang of women who were under their thumb, while other groups beseeched girls to give their favors, be true, stop hanging on or go away. They all sounded like bad jokes to her. She remembered in the early days of her marriage rock music had seemed to promise her life and space and energy. Now it felt like her enemy, reinforcing in Jim images of how men and women were supposed to be.

The Massachusetts Pike turned into the New York Thruway
and it was all the same nightmare of white road advancing before them and blurring to the sides. Two days before Christmas: the trarrle was heavy. That morning it had snowed, but the expressways were clear until outside Albany. After dark the wind rose and snow came blowing at them. He did not slow and she was attacked by fearful images of collision. Out of rage he would smash them both into a viaduct.

They ate in a service plaza. He had a hot turkey platter and she had vegetable soup and a cheese sandwich. Chewing the tasteless cheese, she remembered the pill fight. Cold fingers closed on her throat. To have sex with him would be ugly but she was not sure what would happen. When she went to the women’s room, she removed the pills from the container in her purse and worked them into the lining of her coat. Then she threw the container away.

Standing at the washbasin and scooping her hand for water, she took a pill and glared into the mirror. How pathetic she looked! She made a fist, grimacing. How had they found her? After a year and two months, she had felt safe. She hated herself for feeling safe. But maybe now he would give up when he faced her new self, her intransigence. The detective had hinted that perhaps if she co-operated a divorce might be worked out.

When they finally arrived she said, “You’re in the same apartment? But please, I want to stay in a motel.”

“We had a three-year lease. Where did you think I’d be?”

“I didn’t think you’d want to stay out here.”

“Did you think a lot about what I wanted?”

“Anyhow, I don’t want to stay here. I came back to Syracuse to talk, but that doesn’t mean staying here.”